This voice comes into my head - you need to type.. if you don't it will leave you, never to be seen in quite the same way again.
It' a thought I hear quite often.. and I.. like you can see, have not typed very frequently. Perhaps it's that I believe that I am not a good enough writer.. that I have some kind of issue around admitting how much I love typing.. or maybe... its that I don't think myself worthy of enjoying something that I love.
If there is one thing I have noticed about myself.. I do very little to fill my heart.. I think... that's what I do... in all my spare time I am thinking.. analyzing, talking, listening...
I've been told my whole life I think too much... I talk to much..... I'm too sensitive....
I have come to see that my dedication to analyzing my life.. and forcing myself to learn and grow from the inside out... brings me to these very deep and noble questions... these thoughts that come swirling into the forground of my ability to translate.. and then dispurse like the mist disspears once the sun hits it.
So... I was thinking... If I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to give anymore to anyone... and I don't want to get anything from anyone.. what does that mean???
\I just hit this point in the past day. I am more exhausted than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can barely crack a smile.. I feel weighted... like a deep decision has to be made.... I watch how people react to each other and how it stings....
And then I think of James. When I am around him I never feel he needs anything from me. He never takes from me.... but then he never really asks me for anything either.... He doesn't need anything from me. AND he then becomes this space for me.... the safest space I have ever felt.
Where pure love resides.
and then I notice how uncomfortable that space truly is for me....
All the dithering thoughts of not getting my hopes up... not putting all my eggs... not assuming I know what the future is....
and realizing it is very VERY difficult for me to let myself be happy.
It's like I have convinced myself I am not allowed to be happy.
Maybe it's just recognizing that I feel a sense of shame being happy in the face of all the travesty going on around the world.
Maybe it's me feeling like "how do I have any right to be happy when so many people are suffering?"
and then I ask myself... well, how can you experience Joy right now? and I answered. Think about James.
and then I heard the voice to type.
*******
It is the one year anniversary since the note in the tree. It's the one year anniversary since seeing T. on the street and making peace with the Earth. It's thanksgiving. And if there is one thing I am thankful for its James.
I have never been loved the way he loves me. Not even by my mother.
When I lay in his arms the other day I finally understood what the whole confusion over the Oedipus complex. You want to marry the tenderness, the sweet, the kind, the thoughtful part of a good mom. You want to marry the comforting, the strong, the open, the loving, the courageous part of a good dad. And you want the other to complete you in a way you have never felt before where everything seems as though it is complete.
That;s how I feel.
We've been together for 11 months. We've lived together for 11 months... and the space he provides for me .. the space I provide for him... is the most kind, loving, gentle space for each other.
Last night we got home and I was feeling like my head was going to explode.... I was hugging him in the kitchen... and we were staring into each others eyes (which by the way took SOOOOO long, at first we couldn't even look at each other. Looking into each other's eyes was the scariest thing for both of us.)
So I was looking into his eyes.. and he started to move to the music.. its so easy to follow someone that is moving to the music and you are connected to.. you just follow their body... your body becomes theirs... and we were dancing. It's my favorite thing about James.. when we are together and able to just dance in the kitchen.
He said "you may have even gotten me to like dancing."
My heart swelled in a way I can't even describe... I got tears in my eyes and I felt moved to my very core. "Oh Jamie.. that is probably the biggest gift you could ever have given me. "
He looked at me.... hugged me tight and said "and maybe for me too. "
Such simple moments.
I think I want to stop there for now.
Amanda.
