Again its been a while...
I do not know what makes me write or not write.... but most of the time I am just not feeling like putting aside time to share whats going on with myself, or anyone else... but then sometimes, what moves in me is so profound I am possessed to write... and nothing can stop me.
Today I have a sense of that and so have come back to the keyboard.
I was sitting at my dining room table last night, starting to share how my day was and I just had this enormous sadness pulse through me.... for the first time in a LONG time I let go and cried in front of my boyfriend and his best friend.... feeling totally vulnerable, silly, embarrassed, sad.... I sat there with my hands in my hands and cried... this pressure building up in my chest.... asking myself what the hell I was experiencing.....
When I calmed myself to look up the boys were trying to distract me... encouraging me to go hit something.... play a sport... shoot a bow and arrow.... get out the energy... but the voice in my soul told me I needed to cry. I needed to let THIS OUT and not change its form.
So I told them I needed to cry and walked outside. Stood in my driveway and just let myself cry..... the grief cry.
This week was a powerful week for me. I worked 50 hours last week... my feet felt like they were going to fall off my body.... I was physically, emotionally exhausted and so asked one of my co workers if they would take my Monday shift. Monday James and I ended up going to the Warsaw caves.
Just like everytime before.. it changed me again. 25/08/14 - I wrote a note to put in the tree that I found the last one in.
As soon as we made these plans my phone rang from someone looking for my boyfriend. Odd? He has been having this conversation with this man in Havelock aout trading a guitar he has for a compound bow and arrow.
As soon as we decided to go, he wrote the guy an email telling him we were going to be at the Warsaw caves. He called and we made tentative plans to meet at 2:00. We got there with 10 minutes to spare... they showed up right on time. Turns out the bow was a gift from the man's brother who sadly died in January.... you could see the sadness in him.... not wanting to give up the bow, but knowing that it was the right thing to do for himself..... I told him it was our honour.
He asked James what kind of music he plays... James told him rockabilly surfing style, "perfect, can you play a little?" The man wanted to learn what James already knows... so he played a little kneeling on the grass outside of the park entrance.
The exchange was made. The man had grown up close by but never had come down....the only story he had was of him and his brother together when they were young.... . healing.
We set off down the path... I wanted to Show James where the story I had told him had taken place. I lead the way, until the fork... and didn't know which way.. I had never taken the path up... only down... that time with the boys we ended up going off on our own.
When I don't know where I am going... I always worry that I am going to choose wrong.... I get stalled... I asked James where we should go.. "I don't know." But he could see my frustration with picking the wrong way and asked if I would like him to lead.. "Yes" I exclaimed with a sigh. Thank god... we ended up crossing these huge boulders... and then through the forest and then off to the left was this crevice... we walked through and sat down to have a smoke. As we sat there and admired our surrounding I looked over to see the water... I wondered if it was where I had crossed over last year... whether, it could.... be the same spot... after sitting for about 15 minutes I suggested we brave the poison Ivy and walk over to the water... almost the exact same point... we ended up walking across.... the sun shining down on us, it was certainly an existential moment.... I didn't hold James' hand.. I was barefoot. he had crocks.. fearless without worry he crossed, in his wake my carefully watched footing was covered with the silt he moved around while he eclipsed my path.... there I was, not 7 feet from the shore, up to my knees in beautiful water... andmy head was starting to get the best of me.. crawfish, serpants... pointy things.. I DO NOT LIKE discomfort..... as my head started getting the best of me I had to calm down.. I was surely going to fall. James was already on the big rock on the other side.... doing a little dance.. he suggested me throwing my shoes and cup to him.... again I was scared of throwing them into the water... "I don't have a good throw".. "Come on.. just do it, you are fine." So I did... everytime getting it straight to him... weird how we have these silly little fears of looking stupid... and how I have some ingrained thought about how I can't throw.... even though I can.
When all things were safe on the shore I got my balance.. stood there for a minute and took in the space... the irony of the first time doing this alone... and the second time with James... both times not holding anyone's hand.
He reminded me that I was wearing a bathing suit and that the worst thing to happen was for me to fall in. I balanced myself on the top of this rock, scared to step to the big rock that stood between me and the shore.. I asked him how slippery it was. would I be able to catch myself..... in his answer I told myself to just do it.. see for myself. I stepped.. the rock held, my foot held. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.. stepping up, we stood there for a few minutes.. me reminded of the note.."crossing over always leads to something" -
I tried to remember where I saw the "hole in the ground" ... we climbed up to the top of the rock face..... that lead back to the path.... James lead when we got to the top.. I was all disoriented and told him the last time I let him lead he got me to where I wanted to go... so I trusted him this time.... he stopped to show me the different kinds of mushrooms he found.... and finally we came across the "Hole' James got in WITH me.... and when we thumped our feet on the floor it sounded hollow.... like a drum... he suggested that it would make a good sweat space.... I casually suggested it would be a good place to get married.... As we played out our ideas in our heads.. I saw the space as sacred once again.... He got out and I stayed, did a little Yoga in the hole and then bent down and made a little lean to with twigs.. remembering my kindergarten year at the waldorff school where we were taught about wood knomes and spent so much of our time making little houses for them to stay in.
James was off investigating... I finally went with and we found the main kettle... it was certain not that the 'hole' was a filled in version of this kettle' ... an EARTH DRUM.
We left and ended up going up to the look out, passing what I like to call the "love tree" a tree that starts off as one then branches apart about a foot above the ground into two separate trees that grow parallel.
We got up to the lookout then turned back.
The whole rest of the walk I contemplated how I much I am in my head and how much I pay attention.. and how I walk.
I had taken my shoes off, and like the first time my feet felt renewed. It was exactly what I needed.
I had decided on the walk that I was going to write on the little note my name... so that I could maybe know who found the note.. but as we were nearing the tree, we came across this family trying to get through the narrow space. we waited.. I heard the old man in the back yell to the younger men... insome other language... I laughed and said outloud "I wish I knew what he just said"... the younger man said " he said , is the water close?" it wasn't far... but definitely not the easiest walk for an elderly person.
when I turned back James was gone, and a space had been cleared, so I thanked the young man and took off up the trail.. giggling ot myself how fitting it was what the man had yelled.... how his tone had said the same thing.
As I neared the tree I came face to face with this woman of about 40 or so. The tree disappeared, I wanted to know her. I said hello and asked where she was from....Isreal.... 'Nazareth' she said... she was visiting.
'Of course I thought...I'm meeting someone from Nazereth at the Warsaw Caves.... The universe has an interesting sense of humour....
Immediately I got this overwhelming feeling of sadness.... my eyes started to well up..
"I am so sorry what is going on in your country" fell from my mouth.
We stared at eachother... "it's ok... I am on vacation, not a time to think of these things, we are here to enjoy."
I smiled, of course.. but I am still sorry.... "welcome, I am so glad I met you.. this is a special place... I won't keep you any longer... have a lovely day...I'm Amanda, nice to meet you. We shook hands and she responded with her name."
I turned around and james was there waiting for me. I took his hand as I passed the rest of the family.. smiling and saying hello.
We arrived at the parking lot. How ironic it was that we hadn't seen anyone since the start of our walk.. and now we saw 3 familes. We went to the car... and then decided to go down to the beach for a swim.
The only time I had been down to the beach was the second time I had gone with the boys last fall... in the dark I had made my way down to the water... the mist coming up off... I stepped in to my knees, but didn't know the water and started to get scared so came back out. I had heard dogs/cayotes/wolves howling that night... and without knowing the terrain I was happy with not venturing any further.. this time was in the day.. kids making a water slide out of sand.. it meandering down the hill into the water.. a young boy with down syndrome stood on the bank of the river with dolls in his hand, looking at us... I spoke to his mom for a minute "what a handful! She smiled. "ya.." "Are they all yours?" "Three are mine, 2 are friends." Well that's nice"..
I walked into the water and then said "Hi" to the little boy.. before I could even finish the word "Hi" came out of his mouth.. "how are y-" "good." he brightened me.
James said "come look at these rocks."
I went in... the water never got past my waistline... but the ground was all rock.... as we stood there, James mentioned how the rocks felt weird... "like they are there and you are pushing down on them"... Its a difficult feeling to explain.. but basically, with the gentle current, you feel like the rocks are floating and you are the heavy one.
we walked up the river... and I floated back.
We ended up leaving shortly after... met another family, a lovely man who has visited here at least a dozen times and camped at least a half dozen times.... his favorite place.
My favorite place.
we ended up stopping in on friends of mine... but they weren't home... so I took James to Youngs point... there we sat out on a patio overlooking the very first place I remember as a kid at our family reunions.. the inlet that is my great uncles leagacy.
We ended up having the lovliest dinner... and when I finally got the chance to talk to the waitress, it turned out she was the owner.. her and her husband.
She was lovely and their story was touching.
As we were leaving I went into the washroom to find a poster ... an old poster for my great uncle's realstate...
crazy.
...
The next day I worked in Peterborough with the woman I work with with special needs. I want her privacy to always be respected... so I won't talk much about her here.... if ever... but because of the privacy issues I have ahard time processing the things I see and feel at work.... yesterday was a particularly difficult day.... and the pain she was in.... ugh.
I got home and after about an hour started to talk about how I was feeling so overwhelmed.. and broke down...
I found myself walking out to the field.... crying and pounding my chest, my diaphragm, my stomach, my throat.... feeling different spaces of heaviness come up.... tapping my body and letting myself let the energy go... making deep sighing sounds.... crying.... tapping my whole body I saw that I was letting out feelings that had blocked spaces of my body for so long I was being possessed to awaken these places in my body.. feel the thump thump of my hands on it... helping the tension lessen... I thought this must be why EFT and bowen work.... because when you let your body take over it wants you to release the tension....
watching how my voice changed with the rhythm of my thumping.. I spent an hour out there in the field... stretching.... breathing.... feeling....
In my despair I felt that this pain has always lived in my heart... its the only time I have ever had temper tantrums... when the sadness in my heart is so overwhelming.... when I feel the pain of the earth.. the pain of the world.. and can't do anything to change it.
In that moment I remembered when Ivan left last summer, sitting in my car.. heaving with sadness I had to laugh... to be thankful for the pain.... to recognize that I wouldn't change any moment, for everyone teaches me more and more about myself.
The deepest sadness is accompanied with the lightest happiness.. you can't get the light without the dark... I felt how scared I am to be happy when I have such compassion for the world and for all the suffering..
the only answer in my soul is that I have been through lives of suffering... and that it is only through living through love and showing others that it is possible will I ever have a chance of making a difference...
So I take humble happiness... that I will enjoy my life and live it the way I want.. BECAUSE I CAN... and so many people can't... that I will love myself enough to honour that I am allowed to enjoy my freedom.. enjoy my life and send love to all those in the world so they too can one day find peace.... and let go of their anger.... let go of their sadness.... and be themselves... at their deepest level.
We are going to the petroglyphs... and then I have to work.
Gotta run.
xo
love and light.
angels on your pillow.
