It's been needless to say an interesting journey.. this life of mine.
This blog has evolved from my young self exploring sex, relationships, life ... to the revealing of my inner self, the evolution of my soul.
I am finally getting to a point in my life where I see the tapestry it was all weaving, and by FINALLY being able to accept myself, and find peace inside myself I am feeling the joy in my heart for having lived this rediculous life so far.
I have HUGE dreams... and perhaps that's what the biggest struggle has been .. to have hope in a life I can't even describe.
It's happening..... revealing itself in little moments like the Crow full moon on St Patrick's day. My first night shift since quitting nursing school.... it's brilliance shining forth, with the illusion of it rushing across the sky as the light covering of clouds sweeped by.... it's brilliance... it's love.
I'm feeling nature in a way I have never experienced it before. I am feeling the amazingness that is this universe and the clarity of allowing life to happen.. being receptive to all that life wants to give you and not being stuck in feeling unworthy so I can't see it.
Something is changing. My friend J.R. thinks of me as some kind of guru and this girl knows me.. knows details I dare even put here... and she adores me... and wants to take care of me.. and for the first time in my life I really feel safe and at home. I feel like I can finally relax and let the fruits of my laborous 31 year reap their benefits.
I am moving out west... I don't know when but Haida Gwaii is pulling me.... the mountains, the water, the trees are calling me....
this journey has been one of coming out of the city into the heart of nature and recognizing that what us inner city kids are missing is our connection to the divine through nature.
I'm calm in a way I have never been calm before. I feel assured for the first time in my life.. knowing that the secret I hold is my authenticism and my ability to see myself in all things... my compassion... my forgiveness... my love.
Of course there have been times in my life I have played with judgment and criticism... and sometimes it's even been funny! But who I am is someone who understands and appreciates that people come from their environments.... and that we have chosen our path deliberately. That our journey shows us all the ways we avoid ourselves... because all that the universe wants is for us to love ourselves.. to let the beauty of the universe shine forth FROM us.... so we can feel it's brilliance respond.
Yesterday I finally made peace with quitting nursing school.
It's been a long 7 months... everyday I think about my unfinished business.... friends that I haven't made amends with yet... and nursing school.. but yesterday and the party for my best friend.. for passing her CRNE - the girl who I met the first day.. who subsequently moved in with me at the farm house - I realized how proud I was of her... and how proud I was of myself... and that My partner J.A. and my friend J.R. are worth it all... that I got to have them both in my life by having a leap of faith and listening to my heart.. no matter where it took me....
ultimately to the very intimate places of my soul.
to my heart... to trusting myself and life.... to love.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world... my heart bursts forth with gratitude... and I finally have someone who completely understands me....
I finally have someone who is MY cheerleader and it's the most amazing feeling in the whole world.
I also got a St. Patrick's day card from my father Patrick.... I can't wait for this year to reveal itself to me.... I'm going to meet my dad :) just wanted to share.
