This week stripped me down... who am I kidding this semester stripped me down. I was justlaying in bed, with a pure sense of calmness, unlike anything i have ever felt before and I got this feeling that i needed to record how I a feeling.. I was going to write in my journal, but thought this was faster.. and in the end, mabe one person might read this and get something out of it. This is the first day in forver that I got to just be with myself.
So much has happened over the past year... the past 10 years... the past 29.... its like i havenever had room to breathe... always worrying about something. Rent, school, pans, men, sex, everything I am not yet and everything I want to be... and I think that I am finally coming into my own... I think at the root of it is this sense of trusting myself... and with trusting myself I have to believe that te universe is breathing through me.. so by default I am trusting the universe... the energy that feeds the plants, the trees, the animals.... it took care of me... somehow I got through everything.. and I am emerging on the other side... better for having been through all the experiences.. so how can I be angry anymore at the universe?
This week.... last Friday a friend of mine died.. we were never realy close, but I worked with him years ago... and he got a friend of his to tell me he had gone into the hospital... I was really touched that he thoguht of me... and went through the spectrum of emotions.. on how to help him with alternative medicine, to trying to get down there, but couldn't because of money, school and also being partially in denial... he died last week and I was forced to look at it... to find the lesson.. because something I have learned from mom dying is that eventually, if you stay true to your heart.. you realize that the worst thing that happened, made you the person you are... and if you are proud of the person you are.. then you have to be thankful for the experience... there was a lot I learned from Cody.. both in life and death.... first and foremost to laugh. Cody laughed all the time.. was rediculous and let eveeryone be rediculous with him... people felt gotten by Cody.. and its something I want to do... he was rememebred for his positive outlook... and I think that I tend to look at my life like its a sob story... as opposed to being positive about it all... so I am forcing myself to be positive...
I wrote my exams on Tuesday and Wednesday... te irony that they both had things on cancer in them... went to the wake on Wednesday night... partied... went to the funeral on Saturday... hung out with old friends... worked on Friday for 8 hours... partied... Saturday.. partied.. Sunday...got a bottle of wine... took the tarp out with a banket went into the field... dictated a letter I wanted to write J... and just sat under the stars and watched the meteor shower.... just to enjoy the beauty that is the earth, the stars.. the universe.... its special when you get in sync with the beauty that exists just outside my door. I slept pretty much all day... and then got up... and did some of the things I had to do before I leave on Wednesday.
Dictating the letter.. and then watching the stars brought me a huge sense of peace around J.. I realize that I had forgiven him when he hit me... I forgave him for everything.. until I couldn't forgive anymore.. and I needed out... I have been incredibly angry that he left and didn't fight.. and yet I have been incredibly thankful that everything happened, because I had forgotten how independent I am... or I had never been so aware... I realized through all this that I am a beautiful person.. that I am kind.. and thoughtful... and people like being around me.. that I have friends that love me.. even if they don't agree with me all the time.. or they don't understand me completely. I learned that when I trust the universe.... it takes care of me... I realized that I love living in the country and I don't want to live in the city. I have learned that I worry so much about what everyone else will think.. so I have been sorting out what I want from when I think others want from me... and I have found that I truly just love people. I understand people... and I forgive them for what they don't know.... I forgive J.
I started thinking that I had focused on al the bad things because it was easier to palate that we were breaking up when I hated him... but trusting my heart tells me that he trully is a good guy in his heart... that we had something really special... and that what happened between us wasn't fake... but that it was the depth of my love and the depth of his love that forced us to break when we were confronted with what we didn't want.... our relatinship taught me what I really want and what I am not going to settle for....
With regards to sex... I have also had sex with two men this week... two very different men... and alot of feelings came up around them... first I needed it.. but second.. its not what I really want for my life anymore... that I really enjoy the closeness that can't be forced in a one night stand.... I like slow... loving touch... and that comes only from being completely in the moment... so alcohol forces the not caring.. and the being in the moment, but misses the best part.. the intimacy that comes from sharing that experience with someone that you admire and respect... so... we'll see how that goes... but I think I no longer want to sleep with men. I realize that I really just enjoy being on my own... doing things just for the sake of doing them.. like laundry, writing, reading... I want to start learning the guitar.. and taking all the time I have to focus entirely on myself... and what I love...
I called J this morning to ask if he wanted to come down for the day and we could pack together... everyone I know has told me they think its a bad idea to be here when he is here.. they are worried for my safety.. especially considering I told them about him hitting me... but in my heart I know that he wouldn't do it again.... and that he would only get to that point if he had no other options and now that we are no longer together... he doesn't feel so trapped. I was thinking that with mom I was in complete denial about the experience... and with J. I have had the past couple of months be angry, be in denial.. and now I am thankful for the love.. thankful for the breakup... and know that I love him.. and that I want to honour breaking up. That thank god we don't have kids.. but if we did.. we would have to see eachother.. we would have to deal.. so why not force myself to deal with it...
I had this fantasy of just being positive and pack... and just be present with eachother... entirely to the other person... with no personal attachment to what he said.. just spend a day daying good bye... without the pain inside.
I called him this morning to suggest it. He was out on a fishing trip... I was really nervous.. and cried a little.. but suggested it.. and asked him what he thought and he said thankyou... that he really appreciated it. He said he was really good.. and I felt myself be happy for him.. which made me know that I really do love him... and that its difficult to love someone and let them go... but we still have a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes I feel like he is my soul mate still, just because I love him for him.. for all the things he wants... and thats important... but then I think that maybe he was just my soul mate for right now....and if thats the case... well then that's ok too.
Basically I am up for anything.. I want the universe to just give me exactly what I need.. and accept it all for what it is.
He told me he would figure out what he was going to do and get back to me... either way... he didn't.. and the weirdest thing happened.. I wasn't angry.. I just figured it was whatever it was for him.. and maybe it was just that I needed to extend the hand... and still not see him. ... who knows.
Through all this I got an email this week from C that really closed the door for me... we had been talking.. and were going to get together... he was showing me a completely different side to him and it was awesome.. I was so excited to see him again.. and then he fell off the planet again.. I went through frustration to anger.. to love... and he finally wrote me back and told me that he realized that he just wanted to use me... fuck me.. and that it wasn't fair.... I couldn't believe it. I thanked him for his honesty and for protecting me from himself and told him when he was ready to be friends to let me know.
I think I am finally learning how to let people go without struggle... with just love....
Watching the meteor shower last night was incredible... just me.. under the stars... I felt the earth... felt that it was conspiring for me... tried to imagine the vastness that is the universe... I felt my love for it.. and it for me... that i was part of it all... no matter how small I am.... that I am part of it all... I felt my love inside.. and I really just love people.. and that's ok.
I notice these moments are coming alot faster now... it used to be only once or twice a year that I would feel truly calm and happy.. now its happening atleast once a month.. and this one is the most significant. I feel like I am finally forgiving the people i love.. and forgiving the universe for giving me all the struggles I have experienced.... forgiveness... true forgiveness..... who knew?
I am learning to really love myself... deeply enough to figure out my deepest desires... and honouring them... without judgement. I can't imagine no longer judging myself :)
i have to go to sleep.
Angels on your pillow.
A.
