So what I am beginning to realize is that you have to actually force yourself to feel the emotions you don't want to... I have been telling myself for months now that being angry isn't going to help.. isn't going to do anything... but then this week school slowed down.... for the first time in 3 months I don't have anything due... and tomorrow I have a day off.... and so all the emotions I haven't had time for started bubbling to the service... all night I found myself trying to watch TV, thinking about who I could call.... smoking... doing ANYTHING i could to distract myself.. meanwhile.. in my head there's a little voice that's reminding me that it feels really good to write in my journal.. that when I force myself to put pen to paper something changes inside me.. there's a release.... and man was there EVER...
I have been realizing that I have alot of anger... and I haven't had a place to release it.... and now I do... just writing out how angry I am at what J did was helpful.... and its validating.. writing it down and looking at it makes it real.. he did these things... he is this person..
I also realized that I have been terrified.. like I mean terrified.... I noticed that I know that he's been writing things on his facebook just to piss me off... just to make me think he's not hurting... purposefully trying to hurt me... and it does..to be honest when someone tries to hurt me on purpose they do.... and I really don't want them in my life anymore... so here I am, hurt and not wanting J. in my life anymore.. but I can't delete him from facebook... are you fucking idding me? I mean what the fuck is my problem.... so I asked... part of it was because I want to have him ACTUALLY see how I prosper and grow... but REALLY.. it is because I am terrified of him.
He has hurt me as many ways another person can hurt someone... and I'm scared that he's going to take that little bit that he hasn't taken yet... and YET.... I am in the process of realizing... o looking around me and realizing.. that somehow I got him out of my house...without any money in the bank and no car... being in nursing school and having to work... he left the house... he paid for the rent for the summer... I got a car and I can stay in this house, I am totally going to pass this semester with a 90 average, and all without him.... I can do this on my own.. i am fully capable... and all the things in the house I am worried about him taking, or breaking.... I told myself tonight that "you're worth more than these things, your feelings matter more than any of this, and if you don't want him in your life anymore.. then don't and don't be scared he's going to ruin your life... he already tried... and you won that battle... there's nothing more he can do. YOU ARE FREE.
I have no idea how this is going to play out... I don't know if he's goiing to lose his shit and start seeking revenge because he cannot handle me deleting him, or if he's going to act like an adult and appologize and respect my boundaries. THESE ARE MY BOUNDARIES... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE..... you hateful, selfish, manipulative, insensitive, abusive, vampire. You sucked the happiness out of me.. and I am going to fight to get it back....and I wish you all the luck in the world... you have NO FREAKING idea the kind of love you just through away..... it takes so much to turn me... and congratulations you have....you are toxic.
Thank you for all the beauty you showed me, for making me realize what love really is.. and what love is not. and you my friend.. have NO IDEA what love is....
I'll tell you what love is... and I'll tell you what love is not.
love is feeling like you are understood - not feeling like your boyfriend is embarrassed by your bubbly personality
love is feeling like you can be yourself 100% and never have to appologize for being you - not being told to quiet down when you are excited... and you rarely get excited because people have always told you to mellow out and quiet down... life can be pretty dreary, and boring.. so when I get excited.. LET ME FUCKING GET EXCITED.. and maybe jump in... and be excited with me... you could do well to encorporate this.
love is laughing - not telling racist jokes or make sarcastic remarks and then when I don't laugh telling me that i don't have a sense of humour and there is something wrong with me.. and when I get hurt telling me I'm overly sensitive.... people tell jokes to make people laugh.. not hurt them or insult them... its not ME that doesn't have the sense of humour its YOU dumbass.
love is hope... hope for a beautiful future, one that I can be proud of being part of... so when I am hopefully and smiling and talking about how we all need to be good to eachother... its not you telling me that its not practical and that you are a realist.... you condescending ass hole. Just because I am hopeful doesn't mean I am stupid.. it meeans that I wake up each day hoping for a brighter tomorrow... and making today the best day I've had so far.
love is compassion - its helping the little old lady at the baggage claim - its not telling me that you are worried that you are going to cheat on me if I don't lose weight.... you son of a bitch that hurt me deep
love is kindness - its not telling me that you are worried about me because I miss my mother so much.... like I have a problem.. you try being someone like me and then the only person in the whole world that truly loved you and understood you dies. GO FUCK YOURSELF.... I get to miss her forever.. and honour her in leaving you..... she would be so proud because leaving you and your type of manipulative kind... was something my mother never could do... I MADE HER PROUD BY LEAVING YOU... HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
Love is sexy - its not telling me that you've had better sex with someone else, and there's something wrong with me.. when you are so self conscious.. and think all sex should be part of a porn.
love is feeling like the other person adores you ... its not being told that women should have stayed in the home....
love is feeling safe - not worrying everytime I was hurt that you were going to leave me high and dry with no car and no money in this house.... NOT telling you about my past... being so vulnerable and have you write a HUGE letter telling me how big a slut I am, how much you feel betrayed.... how dirty I am and how embarrassed for yourself you are.... well NEWSFLASH.. I am embarrassed that I still thought you might be a good guy after this.. I am embarrassed that I didn't cut and run that day.... you jerk. and its certainly NOT being head butted because I was so upset that youpush me away....
love is tenderness... not pain
love is breathing together, not getting mad when I want to go to bed early just to hang out.
love is connection - deep energetic connection - not being told that energy is bullshit... MORON.. what the hell do you think atoms are.
love is loyal - not leaving me on the side of the road after telling me you would love your ex 10 times more than you would ever love me... and that I was fat..... and then expecting me to appologize.. and when I didn't telling me you really didn't love me and you had to leave me... because it was my fault....
love is freeing - like really freeing where someone is there to remind you of who you really are - even when you forget - its not telling me that there must be something wrong with me if someone doesn't like me.... that I am too dramatic... I am not too dramatic.. I AM TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH - teling me "what are you going to do about it, I own the car, and I pay for the rent.. I have all the control." OH YA? I'm sorry WHAT? YOU DO NOT CONTROL ME.. I am fiercly independent.I LOVED YOU - that is not possessive... I wasn't there because I had to be.. I was tehre because I loved you... because I wanted to be there.... the second you wanted to control me was the second I no longer wanted to be there.
love is sweet, like picnics and kisses just because... wild flowers and poems... love is lighter than air... and feels like coming home.
love is adventurous but comforting - not being told that you would rather be with someone who already knows how to camp.... knows how to do everything.. that you hate having to teach me... what's wrong with you? The best thing in the world is having something you can share with someone.
love is not being able to keep your hands off eachother... NOT telling me that you aren't very attracted to me... and that you don't want to have sex with me.
love is intoxicating.. not suffocating
love is understanding.. not telling me that what I believe in is bullshit, when you would never listen... and tell me that I am crazy..... newsflash, I am WAY more knowledgeable. I KNOW SHIT.. I have been through SO MUCH IN MY LIFE.. you can't even begin to shake a stick at the things that I KNOW... and if only you were willing to trust me.. and believe in me.. I could have taught you... but NO.. you know EVERYTHING.... well good for you... you keep trying to cookie cutter yourself and think you are so freaking wonderful..... and I'll stay my pretty damn fine coarse to happiness.
love is cooking a meal together.. not getting mad when I ask you if you would help me make cookies.... or offering to cook dinner with the ONLY ingredient I HATE>..... and then getting mad at me for "ruining your plans." WHAT THE FUCK KINDS OF TACTIC IS THAT?
love is noticing - noticing when I was having a rough day... and loving me anyways... its not pulling all this shit when I was in exams..... I'm in NURSING SCHOOL! do you know how hard this is????? fuck you for jeaopardizing this for me... I WANT THIS.. I FUCKING NEED THIS... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE SO I CAN LIVE THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS>>> BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN THEM.
love is real...
and in the end I know.. you can't find love until you tell what's not love to take a hike. ALL I WANT IS LOVE. that's it
I'm getting stronger.... slowly but surely I am starting to realize how great of a person I am.. and how I trully deserve eauty and love.. I have never let anything in my life corrupt my heart... my hope.. and my love... they can try.... but I am learning pretty quickly that everything I get through makes me stronger... SO BRING ON THE PAIN... because then I will be unstoppable.
What I have learned from this relationship about myself.
I am incredibly smart.. I know things I didn't even know I knew.. I can talk about so many topics.. I love learning, and I really appreciate when someone takes the time out of their lives to teach me somehting I didn't know before.
I am STRONG - like REALLY strong. I cannot believe that I am here... at the end of my first year.. dealing with all of this shit.. and not only am I here.. but I live in a beautiful house.. and have a good job and am doing exceedingly well in school
I AM BEAUTIFUL - inside and out.. I have lost 35 lbs... and I will lose 30 more.. and I wil be smoking hot.... the way I have always wanted to feel
I AM UNDERSTANDING - I really forgave him for so many things... I understand that we only know what we know.... and that sometimes our interpretation of what is right and wrong was calibrated on a misaligned frequency.. ie. when your dad is abusive to your mom.. you have no clue that you picked up the same habits... and I don't blame you.. its just your responsibility to own that you have... and change it.
I AM LOYAL - through all of this I have never even thought of cheating.. I still thought maybe we would be able to work it out at the very end... I had so much hope.. and I had given my heart completely... and I wasn't going to give up... but I told him in the beginning.. I would leave the second I feel like he doesn't care anymore.
I AM LOVING - I loved deeper than I have ever loved before.
I have learned that I LOVE being outdoors, that I love having a dog, that I love living in the country, I have learned that I can do anthing that I put my mind to.. and FINALLY I have LEARNED.. that the voice inside me.. is both everything and ME... its the universe guiding me... and when I listen.. when I trust myself... everything always works out... to my benefit.. even though its painful.. it makes me stronger.. more alive and more resiliant.
i need sleep.
A.
