what can I say.. I have a tendency to almost not write when I can't handle what life throws at me.. over the past 5 months I have thought time and time again that I need to write I need to document this new journey in my life.. embrace it, own it... and yet I keep bypassing it.. avoiding it.. tting en to paper about things.. well I have found diifficult over the past 5 months... it has been a roller coaster ride and everything is finally come to head... and here I am back.
I hope that i have the diligence to continue writing in this blog, because I find solace in looking back.. in having something tangible that documents my life...
being able to see how much one person's life can change over the course of a few short months.. and of all people, myself... is something that I know I need to do for myself.. in order to be able to adequately show myself... prove to myself that things have changed.. that things are changing.. and that life doesn't come easy... but if you fight, if you listen,, if you believe.... you can figure things out.
I have essentially been numb over the ast 5 months... J got a new job in May and left for 8 weeks. for 8 weeks I had to ut my love, my longing for him aside... and just do.
I worked at this awesome restaurant all summer where I felt wanted, and appreciated and all the people that I served were so kind and happy...
I got into nursing school... I spent the summer working, preparing myself for nursing school and trying to figure out how to be the girlfriend of a wonderful man who is off on his own adventures in life.
I was numb to how much I miss him.. and i was numb to this.
Nursing school.
What can I say.
What has brought me back to this page is simple.
I am terrified.
I have just set sail into something that totally terrifies me.
I play life small, my drama has always been about boys, money, family, about the things on the outside.. but part of the changes I decided to make this time last year have catapulted me into this new dimension where I am finally walking into something for the first time in a long time that scares the shit out of me.
I know in my heart that I can do this..but I am so conflicted.
I have never done anything that I thought I could fail at.
I have never stretched myself to the ends of myself.. to see how far I can be stretched..I have never fully taken on my life and told myself to just deal.
and here I am, about to learn how to do the job that scares me shitless.
I know I belong.
I feel it in my bones.
I feel like I am already part of something.. a sisterhood, a part of something way bigger than myself. My personal problems are nothing... school, and only school matters, and my past behaviours of drama, and partying, doing what i want... has to be put aside in order for me to get through this program.
The truth is I want this soooooooo badly, and it is sooooo scary to admit that to myself. That I want something... and the only way to get it is to give up all my bad habits and get down to business.
I miss J. I miss him being here to hold me, and yet I know that him being gone will give me the space I need to do this properly. He is my knight in shining armour because I get from him exactly what I need.. even if it isn't what I want.
The shit you have to know in order to pass your tests.. the shit you have to know in order to be an effective nurse is fucking scary and intimidating.. and I consistantly have moments where I feel inadequate..
but deep down inside me I know that because of that fear.. that deep rooted fear I will succeed... because the feaer is a longing, a longing for a life I have never had.. and I am soo scared of failing.... of not succeeding.
I hope that me writing in this blog will suffice as documentation for this adventure...the adventure of my life.
I thought of starting a new blog. Because, well, I really didn't want people to be able to find out my past... but I have decided to keep it the way it is. because the one thing that I know I have on my side is the fact that every one who meets me learns about my past.. my not so pretty past.. and that it is my past and how I have continued to deal with things that has made me who I am. I know that iit is my past that will make me a great nurse, because I get it. I get what its like to smoke and want to quit, to have a mother with cancer, to have emergency surgery with no one around. I know what its like to be asked in a doctor's office if you are sexually active and say yes.. only to be asked if you have a steady partner and answer no.
I know what its like to get the news you have an STI.
I know what its like to watch the life you thought you had dissapear.. and everything that comes from that.
I know that my life will serve me well because Ihave a vast amount of compassion.
and I feel that when people understand that you too fuck up, you too don't know what to do or where to go or how to even get out of bed in the morning....when people realize that you are ok admitting your mistakes... they feel like maybe its ok for them to be ok with their mistakes.. to share things with you that they would never otherwise share... and to believe that they too can change their life... because you did... and well, I hope that one day one person reads this blog and sees that the life they are living isn't what they want.. and they have the choice to change.
So I am keeping it.. with all the skeletons that I am terrified of sharing.. worried that one day someone I work with will read this blog and judge me... that writing this will somehow get me into trouble.... and yet I stick by my convictions. we all fuck up... but we only do the best we know how to do at the time.
I am madly in love with J. every time he comes home something shifts with us.. and now that we have moved here... we have a home together.. out in the country and I feel HOME. I finally feel home... like I have never felt before.
We have started to learn how to communicate better and how to stay on eachothers side.... although sometimes I still feel like we are separate.. we are learning... and I know that he loves me. That he appreciates who I am... and that we are both growing and learning from eachother. My only hope is that we get through this next 2 years.
I am in nursing school. It is the scariest thing I have ever done... and I am soooooooo excited to do this.. to be really proud of myself for believing in myself enough to giver 'er hell.
This is my new life. Living in the country with a dog and a cat... head over heels.... and starting nursing school.
Wish me luck.
