It's interesting how we bounce back and forth as we grow and move forward, how we slip up from time to time... how we beat ourselves up for not being the person we want or think we should be....
every time I come to this blog now I feel like I am in a completely different place than the last time.. and yet I know that it's just a different day, and there still are days where I feel like those other posts...
lately I've been incredibly introspective, trying to look at my ways of being that haven't been working, and how I can change them... one thing that I have been starting to do is really being aware of how much time I spend being negative, especially towards myself... and making small changes to try and rectify that...
I'm starting to get some of the anecdotes that people have been saying for years... but I just wasn't in a place where I could really get them... like take care of yourself first.... now that's one that I just never got... and now I am realizing.... albeit, slowly, that if you respect yourself, you take care of yourself, and have the ability to respect and take care of others...
One thing I am very aware of is how hard I am on myself... and yet I am a very happy person, so I can't help but feel sad for those people who are negative, and how mean they must be to themselves....
In light of this new awareness, I am trying to be more dedicated to appreciating myself and being more kind to myself... so as a result, every time that I catch myself saying mean things or negative things, I immediately say the opposite.. in my head of course.. and even though I may not believe it, I'm trying to train myself to think differently.... hoping that it will cause a shift inside me, where I really, trully, love myself.
A perfect example of this in action was last week I wanted to go to the gym, and wanted to rride my bike... after thinking that I immediately said, it's too far, it's too difficult, its too hot, you can't do it.... there's a very large hill between here and the gym and I am incredibly intimidated by this hill... but more, I'm concerned with what I would look like panting up this hill, or if I got off my bike and walked.... it's rediculous, really... I spend so much time thinking about what's in other people's heads, despite the fact that I have no idea.. and probably don't give me on my bike a second thought...
anyways, as soon as I realized I was being negative I said, its not far, its not hard, its not too hot and you can do it... and I got on my bike and did.
Its the little things and I am making huge steps forward...
With regards to men, I have been having revelations lately... not only with regards to myself, but as a result with regards to men... and I have decided that I know what I want in a relationship. I want it to be easy.. I want to just be gotten, and I REFUSE to listen to those people that say it will never happen.... because I have come to the conclusion, that I would really be ok not being in a relationship than being in a relationship that isn't working.
I have accepted that I know myself better than anyone else, and that I respect myself enough to not try and convince myself to be any different than I am...
What's funny about that statement, is that by accepting myself as I am, and respecting what I want... I am in fact changing who I am and how I am.... but I am gaining so much confidence and strength.. I feel way more grounded... and hopeful for the future.
