allowing life - finding love - feeling my worth

It's been needless to say an interesting journey.. this life of mine.

This blog has evolved from my young self exploring sex, relationships, life ... to the revealing of my inner self, the evolution of my soul.

I am finally getting to a point in my life where I see the tapestry it was all weaving, and by FINALLY being able to accept myself, and find peace inside myself I am feeling the joy in my heart for having lived this rediculous life so far.

I have HUGE dreams... and perhaps that's what the biggest struggle has been .. to have hope in a life I can't even describe.

It's happening..... revealing itself in little moments like the Crow full moon on St Patrick's day. My first night shift since quitting nursing school.... it's brilliance shining forth, with the illusion of it rushing across the sky as the light covering of clouds sweeped by.... it's brilliance... it's love.

I'm feeling nature in a way I have never experienced it before. I am feeling the amazingness that is this universe and the clarity of allowing life to happen.. being receptive to all that life wants to give you and not being stuck in feeling unworthy so I can't see it.

Something is changing. My friend J.R. thinks of me as some kind of guru and this girl knows me.. knows details I dare even put here... and she adores me... and wants to take care of me.. and for the first time in my life I really feel safe and at home. I feel like I can finally relax and let the fruits of my laborous 31 year reap their benefits.

I am moving out west... I don't know when but Haida Gwaii is pulling me.... the mountains, the water, the trees are calling me....

this journey has been one of coming out of the city into the heart of nature and recognizing that what us inner city kids are missing is our connection to the divine through nature.

I'm calm in a way I have never been calm before. I feel assured for the first time in my life.. knowing that the secret I hold is my authenticism and my ability to see myself in all things... my compassion... my forgiveness... my love.

Of course there have been times in my life I have played with judgment and criticism... and sometimes it's even been funny! But who I am is someone who understands and appreciates that people come from their environments.... and that we have chosen our path deliberately. That our journey shows us all the ways we avoid ourselves... because all that the universe wants is for us to love ourselves.. to let the beauty of the universe shine forth FROM us.... so we can feel it's brilliance respond.

Yesterday I finally made peace with quitting nursing school.

It's been a long 7 months... everyday I think about my unfinished business.... friends that I haven't made amends with yet... and nursing school.. but yesterday and the party for my best friend.. for passing her CRNE - the girl who I met the first day.. who subsequently moved in with me at the farm house - I realized how proud I was of her... and how proud I was of myself... and that My partner J.A. and my friend J.R. are worth it all... that I got to have them both in my life by having a leap of faith and listening to my heart.. no matter where it took me....
ultimately to the very intimate places of my soul.

to my heart... to trusting myself and life.... to love.

I am the luckiest girl in the whole world... my heart bursts forth with gratitude... and I finally have someone who completely understands me....

I finally have someone who is MY cheerleader and it's the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

I also got a St. Patrick's day card from my father Patrick.... I can't wait for this year to reveal itself to me.... I'm going to meet my dad :) just wanted to share.

you are in others, others are in you. FB convo

I posted this picture on my facebook today, this is the conversation that ensued. I felt I articulated myself well so felt that it was an appropriate post. 

• S:  I don't believe that. I resent child abusers and rapists. I resent acts of violence against defenseless people and animals. I resent greed. Bigotry. Racism and homophobia. All of these things I strongly react to...and they are not a part of who I am.

  
  
• J: Touché, 
  But this thought totally joins with my theory on the causes of homophobia.

  
  
• 

  Me:  it;s recognizing that you have that in you.. that you have the ability to be ignorant and thus cause pain to others..... that your pain and your reactions to it are the same as others..... that for the most part you choose to conduct yourself in a way that is in alignment with love... but regardless you still have the crappy parts buried inside you.... we are no different than anyone else... our life experience just brings different human responses to the surface... but being human doesn't change from person to person.
• J: -  "We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." - Anais Nin.

  
  
• ME :  I held the same belief you did for years...the exercise is more the day to day things.... the more I look at the things that I react to, the more I let go of what I react to, allowing myself the space to be happy...i actually watch whenever something bothers me... and ask myself if it;s something I do too...but can't admit to... and usually - it is..even if it's something i did a a child who didn't know better... . like getting upset about the dishes not being done...they are not done because I haven't done them... anything I am upset about brings awareness to parts of myself that I don't particularly like... hate for an abuser is no different than the abusers hate for themselves.. it perpetuates the pain.. and eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.... is a very REAL statement... .. if you had grown up being tortured with no love.... you too may have grown up to be an asshole. babies are not born to hate.... they learn that.... compassion is the only way to peace. the only way. and the only way that happens is to become fully integrated into yourself and realize that being human is the human experience... that you reside in everyone and everyone resides in you.... the moment you know how to defeat your enemy is the moment you love them. true... and horribly difficult to accept. BUT it's all a balance.... and you know your own truth.... whatever works for you is the best way.... this is just what I have come to accept over the past year.... and I am happier than I have ever been... but that's all the evidence I have... my own experience. love you. xoxoxoxox

  
  
•  I have been trying to cultivate this kind of compassion within myself lately as well. It is so healing to be able to hold your temper when something upsets you and instead try to see the truth behind the other person's actions. 
  You are such a nurturing little sage, Amanda 

  
  
• S: she really is. 

  
  
• Me: thanks for letting me share, I know what I think is quite weird and abstract... but I have learned so much about being human over the past few years.. and its an evolution...I appreciate being able to attempt to articulate all the thoughts in my head in a way that is palatable and still respects the idea that those kind of negative actions are wrong... I suppose I chew little pieces.... I'll share two realizations that I have had recently - they are raw thoughts and I haven't figured out how to completely accept them yet.. or even if they are fully the truth... BUT. 1. I fight with myself and others when I can;t let go of people that hurt me. 2. I get so angry when someone hurts me that I know loves/adores me. Both of these realizations have been looong drawn out conversations with myself and the conclusions I have come to hypothesize about myself... and consequently others is: 1. I love unconditionally and I have been hating myself and the universe for making me the kind of person that would love someone when they have done attrociously mean things to me. 2. I have always trusted people off the bat and it breaks my heart when someone makes a mistake big enough to get me to stop trusting them.... I hate not being able to trust people I love and thus have hated myself for wanting to stop trusting them. and so have spent years trying to find that trust again within myself... battling over keeping people in my life that are so disconnected from their heart and so unconscious that they behave in a way that directly hurts me. The truth is, they don't trust themselves and because of their own fears its a space in their behaviour that they are directly unconscious of... and perhaps? I can finally reach a point where I value my own ability to assess situations in a reasonable way that allows me the freedom to love others, even those that cause hurt -

  
  
• Me:  well that was an intense moment inside my head, trying to articulate that... the second was a thought I had last night... so it's the first time I've written it down.

  
  

update - February - SOOOO IN LOVE

It's amazing how the roller coaster has gone down over the past couple of months.... I am sooo in love and I've been soo low and sooo high in the past 2 months.... getting fired from a receptionsit job left me feeling reasonably suicidal.. but what I have come to see that my lows don't last for more than an afternoon now.. I finally, have the capacity to find the lesson, the positive the space to be thankful for uncomfortable experiences quicker than ever before, which is leading me more and more in to the arms of happiness.. and for that I am always greatful.

My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...

I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.

*****
Mr. Smith, 

I have a faint recollection that your birthday is in February and if I remember correctly.... you may in fact be turning 40 this year.... you popped into my head today and so I thought I would send you a early/belated birthday message :)

I hope things are working themselves out for you and that life is finally starting to look up. 

I am rediculously in love ... fantasizing about Saturday market days, growing flowers in the garden and eventually finishing nursing school. 

My friend Jules and I have gotten considerably closer in the past month and she is moving up here just got a puppy and is going to take some repose at our house and help with decorating and making the space more homey. She was offered a job on Haida Gwaii - the queen charlotte islands... and told me that she would love if I came with her when I am done school.... so that seems how the trip out west will unfold..... all in its right timing. 

I finally just got a job as a PSW at the local retirement home which basically means I play games with old people during my shifts.. which is so much fun.. and I have an interview this Friday with an organization that supports young adults with learning difficulties which I am suuuper stoked about because it seems like it's an organization that may actually support who I am, so that's cool. 

My best friend is having a baby shower this weekend  so J.A. and I are heading there... I am soooo excited. I have known this woman since we were born. Our mother's were best friends....(this is the girl who got married last new years) so it's letting the love in even more 

This whole relationship and now with Jules around has been incredibly educational, observing where I push love away, where I get triggered, what I get upset about and cause disagreement when I don't need to... I have some how gained the capacity to see things happen before they happen and recognize how I create the very situation I am scared of in the first place.. which has allowed me to allow this entire thing to simply unfold as it should. 

We've been together for 4 months now and not a mean word between us.... I never knew someone could love me the way he does.... and all because I learned to love and honour myself :) 

With Jules around I have been finally talking about what happened over the past 2 years. She was so upst with me sending you letters when you were obviously not interested in me at all... she was so worried about me and pittied me so much.. all last year that she refused to let me even talk about it... and so now she finally understands that I had to do it to figure my self out and my issues... to get me here so she's more open to me sharing.. which has been very interesting because I am very honest with J.A. too about what happened and how I felt about you.. and what it was like to be so in love with someone that didn't want anything to do with me back... and how that makes me fearless and cautious in this relationship.. all at the same time. 

I am so happy and I am so thankful for you and the space you created for me... that this jouney has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to... guiding me to my own heart I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall :

*****

Is completely overwhelmed at the result of my choices in life... can't even begin to express the joy, calm and love I am experiencing.. I have battled for 6 months with quitting nursing school. The day I made the decision felt like a suffocating weight was lifted from me. I have wondered if I did the right thing for myself for 6 months.... with everyone around me feeling like I just went and train wrecked my life.... I am FINALLY coming to see the beautiful results of my choice to say 'ENOUGH'. I will always... from NOW ON... ALWAYS choose myself, my comfort, my happiness over EVERYTHING else.

With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.

and it's 2 degrees outside  SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting  it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.

Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.

Soon. Soon.

I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.

I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell... 

Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox

love from ONTARIO

******

and that sort of summarizes everything. 

I had a vision a couple days ago of you and your girls and I finally meeting and you being able to come out to the farm with them.. and hang out with me, J.A. and our friends..... that perhaps somewhere in the space between us there is a space for friendship... but I did tell you in November that I would not pressure you and I will honour that promise. 

Well my dear, I hope you are happy ... maybe even in love? and that your birthday was/is as beautiful as you are.... you are sooo good. inherently beautiful... you created the blueprint for me.. you raised the bar..... and I am happy because of it. 

xoxo

angels on your pillow. 

The world was made a better place... and my life all the better for having met you... I completely celebrate the difference you have already made on this planet..... Happy. Birth. Day. 

love 

hear me roar

My life has been an interesting journey so far - to watch as the world changes. To see how the world is opening to the truths my mom realized all those years ago. To spend my life putting my heart above everything else.... to see how different a life that grants me - and to see the possibilities open up in front of me - that my truth is everyone's truth - but the only way one can come to that truth is through their own experience and reflection - belief cannot be taught - tools can be given - but the truth of your soul lies inside you.

It is the quiet whispers of your heart you must learn to listen to - you must learn to embrace - you must learn to love.

It is a difficult path to break old beliefs - to watch yourself come out of the dark place you put yourself in and embrace full self expression in a world that dubs disconnection to the rest of your own life as 'professionalism'.

Throughout life survival is the most important thing - as a child survival meant following rules that would keep you safe - following beliefs that would make those with power over you happy.... but you forgot that those weren't your beliefs - you questioned them as a child - survival as an adult means to find the truth of the child in your heart - the love that emenated from you simply for being alive. Survival means risking all for your own truth.

I don't know where my heart will take me - I don't know what layers my heart still has to unfold - what space inside I will find myself in.

All I know is that my truth has always been to be proud of the love I offered and the person I became. To be able to reflect on a life I am most proud of and to learn how to be my own cheerleader - to accept that people may not like me - and I may be different - but it is my own unique experience that offers me the opportunity to share what I have learned so far.

It's a weird thing being on this journey.

To learn how to be thankful for all the lessons - no matter how hard - and to recognize that I am at the center of my own world.

To become present and learn how to quiet the voices in my head - quiet the criticism, the constant looking for what is wrong, challenging the internal beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with me - that my overly emotional expression is nothing less than a gift. My authenticity, without attachment is the gift I offer the world - and even though it may not be understood - it is the greatest gift I can give - my vulnerable open self. To brave the criticism, to brave the misunderstandings and never make anyone else wrong for their own path.

To be true to my path, no matter how unconventional.... to look for the beauty in all the little things and to be thankful to be alive on this beautiful planet.

When we realize that the pain we feel in our hearts is the lack of love we have for ourselves and being brave enough to stand in the light and declare:

I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE YOU. I AM ME. HEAR ME ROAR.

Letter to a friend - letting go of association with anything. JUST LOVE.

The following is a letter I just wrote to a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me since August. I will post her letter to me once I have permission, when I have some reason to share. 

Hi

First off, Merry Christmas. I hope it was lovely. Mine was weird, but when is it not? lol. Second. Thank you for being vulnerable and being willing to allow yourself the chance to look at and reflect on what is going on inside. It takes a lot of courage to want more for yourself when you can see patterns that are so ingrained they are almost impossible to see. Third. Thank you for your apology. It means a lot to me and validates me continually believing in you. 

I'll be honest. What I can see is that you are at this place where in order to move forward you are going to have to give up some of your beliefs for something intangible. I am in the process and I have been here my whole life, and it's pretty excruciating. It is so easy to falter. It is so easy to convince yourself that your past way of being is the right way, because its what you have been taught, its what you have gotten to know. It's who you identify with. I know. I am going through it too. Ultimately it requires recognizing what behaviour is in alignment with love and what isn't and functioning from that place. even if it feels like the world is going to fall apart.... all the better, at least that's what OSHO advocates for. To allow the falseties of life, of worth.... to dissolve and to ultimately find your worth, your innate wisdom and let go of what you"think" it should be. 

The arrogance and judgment simply come from a lack of really understanding the macro view of the whole of existence. If you look at all the shitty things in your life, you have to come to see that they had to happen for you to be where you are. If you allow yourself to be happy in this immediate moment then there is a place where you can be thankful and appreciate all the "shitty" things. In that space it is possible to make peace with your past and recognize that you, along with everyone is on the EXACT path they are supposed to be on... to be thankful in the present is to be thankful for ALL THE MOMENTS leading up to this one. It in an assbackwards kind of way is an immediate making peace with the past. Remember... suffering is only important until it is not. 

Your judgement and arrogance, I believe come from a  place of recognizing that your path is actually propelling you more to a place you have always longed to go.. but this time not financially, not physically, but cosmically, esoterically, recognizing that is important for you to find the truth that exists in your heart. You are coming to see how easy it is for us to convince ourselves of falseties, untruths. Your judgement of others is a reflection of your judgment of yourself.

Compassion is the only answer. 

Expecting something from generosity is the most difficult thing I am finding to let go. Especially in a relationship. To watch how I expect men to behave, that I want certain things... that don't necessitate love, but that i have equated to love or lack of love for some weird reason. To recognize and discipline myself that I am not allowed to get frustrated or angry with JA for anything he doesn't do, and whenever I feel triggered, to look at what that is. When the house is a shambles, getting frustrated is stupid, because I too haven't done it all, and if it bothers me enough, I should clean it. That JA is allowed to be exactly who he is when he is single and its my choice whether I want to stay or not, that I can't want him to change, and I am certainly not allowed to make him feel bad or ashamed in anyway for not measuring some bullshit, in-the-moment random expectation I have, that really is just a reflection of my own frustrations with myself. 

I guess in a way I have given myself permission to only criticize if he does something that hurts me, never for something he hasn't done. To encourage him and allow him to move forward at his own pace, to treat him the way I want to be treated and to look to see if my intentional reaction is something that if done to me I will be hurt. To always reflect on what I am ACTUALLY FEELING. Oddly enough... in 2 months... there hasn't been ONE thing he has done that has hurt my feelings. No rolling his eyes, no weird comments to the detriment of my feelings. He respects me... and loves me enough to never want to hurt my feelings..... so if they do get hurt, recognizing that it is not his intention... 

After reading your email the other day and sharing it with JA I was thinking that it is sad that you have missed out on a lot of fun with R. . JA used to drink a lot... his whole family has been at one point to AA and he too has been, but has come to the realization he is allowed to drink, just to be aware of the frequency and the amount. To be honest he drinks almost every night.. and we drink together. We have tonnes of fun dancing in the kitchen and being silly. My only rule is don't get so drunk you are falling over or can't have a conversation. I am not a babysitter, other than that.. it is your own life. 

I think when R. came into your life you were realizing that you drink to excess when you drink.. and he became an outlet for those feelings. With you it is always all or nothing.... it's incredible how self disciplined you can be.. but the truth of life is to have fun, take the path of least resistance and love. Don't put all experiences together... if he gets trashed and gets retarded, let him know how it makes you feel, but allow him the space to be himself. Always consider how nice it is when you have a friend who doesn't judge you and allows you the space to be yourself with all your faults, never criticizing and only supporting what you dreams and hopes are.... reinforcing positive behaviour and maybe even ignoring bad??? You love to get drunk. You love to party.... and now you have someone who parties like a rockstar and you cut yourself completely off from that part of you, blaming him. HAVE FUN JULES. Go get drunk and do a bunch of drugs with your boyfriend and don't apologize for it. James and I decided if either of us gets cancer the first thing we are going to do is heroin. The second is dealing with it. It is Really important to stop measuring your life on some rediculous idea of the way life "should" be. You know what you love, embrace it.. and stop feeling ashamed for the life you have lead, for the people you love... for the mistakes you have made. HAVE FUN!

YOu mention time frames. That is another of your hangups... and please don't feel bad, this is just human nature. We have been s taught to meet time frame expectations. But in the end , the time frame is whatever is the most comfortable for you. If it takes a day or 10 years... so long as the intention is there....

You have felt ashamed of not being married and having children yet. YOu have imposed on yourself some version of prison, of hell, where nothing you will do will remove your shame. You impose expectations on yourself blaming the rest of existence. It is you that you have to make peace with. Recognizing YOU made the choices you have. YOu are where your life has lead.... shame is like an addiction for you... and all of humanity. 

I think this experience you are going through has the opportunity to deepen your level of compassion to see that after every layer there is another layer and that your experience can show you the path that it takes.. that its easy to fall back into old patterns and how easy it is to not even be aware of certain aspects of your own psyche.... in this you can have compassion for others. Recognize that you can only know what you know and that most of what you have learned, has been through experience. You can't RUSH EXPERIENCE. YOu can't rush life. 

Your misinterpretation of other's behaviour comes from a lack of understanding/acceptance that people are where they are and they only treat you as well as they treat themselves... so instead of getting upset, to love them despite their inability to fulfill their 'promise/plan/role" I am going through this right now too, and it is quite confronting to balance keeping people, letting people go and having compassion for everyone. To not take things personally and to not be resentful for all the people in my life that have not met my expectations. To not have their worth, or their deserving of love be based on anything other than their existence. Because ultimately that's where we are trying to get right? to a place where we can recognize we are all one. We are not separate. And we ARE LOVE. 

That's what I am trying to embrace, resonate with..... to recognize once and for all that my worth does not come from outside. It does not come from what people do/give/think about me. It is not based on my education or my salary. It is not based on my job, my friends, my living situation. It is not based on where I am from, the colour of my skin or my sexuality.  That when I feel love, it is from within. Its gratitude. 

at this point I am getting so good at the practice that I am trying to be grateful for EVERYTHING in the moment. I have concluded that everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson in everything.... I have had a cough consistently for a month and I have been thanking the universe for giving my lungs a fine work out so that I can be more effective. I thank my lungs for allowing me the space to continue to smoke, recognizing that quitting will come on it's own time and that they have the power to keep me safe and healthy if I appreciate all they do for me. 

The other day I woke up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed and this 5lb amethyst that was iitting on the window sill fell on my foot. It cut it pretty bad and still hurts... but while I was crying I was telling myself it happened to remind me I had a foot, to send blood and love to it, and thank the universe for not having it be worse. To constantly be in a mantra of gratitude and to recognize the areas of my life that I find myself complaining about, or feeling ripped off. 

I had a thought last night. We are sad when we feel ripped off from life. When we feel like things should be different than they are, we cut ourselves off from the experience and thus from life. It is only through gratitude that we are able to accept the flow of life, thus embracing its beauty, and being connected to it. We can only feel connected to life when we feel we are the painters. When we feel that there is purpose to the experience. When we love every moment. When we become YES men. (I read in a book I am reading currently on ancient wisdom that the word man has an etymology in the word mana in sanskrit - or mind.. that what makes humans different from our animal counterparts is our mind, our ability to think.. to become aware of ourselves... and thus man is actually gender neutral... and thus we can all become a yes man... in other words.. a yes thinker)  Through love we reconnect with the divinity of all things, and all lessons, recognizing they each shift our frequency to a higher and higher existence... and accepting that through this others may not understand us. People may not support.... but love them for being scared.... and loving yourself for taking the road less travelled... that is in being brave to stand up for the child in ourselves... and being the change we wish to see in the world (as Gandhi said). That by living a life, less conventional we pave the way for others and make it easier on them to fall into their own greatness. It is only in recognizing our own greatness that we allow others to see their own. 

The only thing to trust is life, your inner voice. But it is intangible. YOu can't see it, and most of what we learn in life with regards to relationships with others as well as ourselves are things that actually have to be UNLEARNED> which poses the problem, we attach our beliefs, our accomplishments/ our failures to our worth. We connect our personality with who we are.. and I think we have this default where we actually feel like we will disintegrate if we let go of all those things we hold so dear to our existence. And yet when we are born... that is all we have. 

I feel this is where I am right now. To completely give up on celebrating my birthday, or Christmas this year... to accept their quietness... to accept the lack of pomp and circumstance. To recognize them both only from inside. Only from a personal space.... it is incredible how difficult it was for me to accept that nothing about yesterday was Christmas. No exchange of gifts. No turkey. No tradition of any sort. To see how I felt lost, how I felt uncomfortable... it was a great opportunity to see how attached I am to the guilt. 

Recongizing that every year I feel guilty at Christmas. Usually for not having enough money to buy people things. Spending money on gas, when I don't have it... guilty for not going.. or even worse I feel resentful to the world for not giving me anything I need or want. I am in a space right now of recognizing that I live in the light of Christmas every day of my life... and that I do love the Christmas lights and am incredibly thankful for presents. But to allow myself the experience of a presentless birthday and Christmas. Not even going out for dinner. has created a space for me where I am more thankful for the basics. Thankful that I have a roof.Thankful that I have food. Thankful that I have love. and EVERYTHING else is just extra. and to be even more thankful in the future because I know what it is like to NOT have things. 

Spending the past 2 months with JA, we have only gone out once. So the love I feel really comes from sharing space with him. To feel like I have everything I need right now and to not be attached to needing or wanting anything more... and allow the universe to create lessons i can't even see I need to learn.... so that I get to live the most beautiful life...unimaginable to my limited mind.

The truth is I have a truth in my heart that has such a hold on me that I will never again tell it 'no' because I know better, that my heart knows best, even if I don't see where it is going to lead me... but to continue breaking my rules, continue challenging my behaviour. and continue looking for love inside.

*****

Life has a weird way of doing the things to you that scare you the most. I think this is one of the most important lessons. I think many teachers refer to it as the law of attraction. That the universe does not account for the negative, so being scared of something and repeating the thought in our heads of fear like "I will never survive if ----- happens to me" OR.... a complaint.. actually creates the very thing we fear.. actually perpetuates the circumstances we are trying to avoid... its like life's little way of proving that our rules are actually pointless.. and that we will survive all those things we believe we won't. What you RESIST PERSISTS... sooooo it is only in shifting our perspective that allows for the dissolution of our fears to manifest themselves in our lives. 

Two examples come to mind for me. The fear of a man leaving me for my weight I met J.(my ex)... who threatened to leave for my weight. If that wasn't a fear... then I probably wouldn't have been dating someone who would threaten that. But because it was, the universe needed me to confront that fear and say "I no longer believe this to be true, and if I am with a man who threatens this... then he is not the man for me. 

What I am looking at now is my complaint that JA doesn't talk much. I saw myself starting to recite this thought in my head.... but being as aware as I am I could see that I was actually LYING to myself. That in fact he talks A LOT.. and YES, he is not  very expressive about his emotions... but neither am I at times... that if I get upset with him about not sharing more... I will make him feel insecure which will actually encourage the lack of sharing.... AND if I am upset about that then I will constantly look for evidence to support that in my head. That if I just allow him the space to be himself.... and listen for when he does talk, that will be a more loving space to come from..... even being aware of this, I still find myself mentioning it here and there... and then I see that it may actually be my way of convincing myself that i am not loved. It's SOOO weird - like in my head I say 'if you don't know what he's feeling because he hasn;t said it then maybe he doesn't love you." 

What's also weird is he is the most physically affectionate man I have ever been with. He holds me, he blows me kisses across the room, he dances with me. He winks at me... he caresses me and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin...... and yet his lack of vocalization about how he feels I resent..... So I am practicing FEELING loved. That love does not come from the intellectualization or experience... but the feeling you actually feel around them. And if there is a lack of love it is on my own part. That my worthiness of love does not reside in his behaviour, or even deeper, in his love.

On a deeper level I am playing with recognizing that when I feel a lack of love it is that I am actually holding back love from myself. That I have the ability to pull away from love... looking for attention that will make me feel loved..... but in a weird way it is some form of manipulation.... and really that puts the power of my worthiness of love outside myself... it's difficult to break, the need for attention. Its difficult to break the feeling of inadequacy. It's really weird to come to know myself so well that I have to stop hating myself... cause I really like myself. It's been so conditioned in me to not be happy. 

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About your judgments of me. You provide me with something I need. To be able to love you enough to forgive you for the constant judgment and rejection you have imposed on me throughout the past 4/5 years has freed me somewhat from the need to get the approval from ANYONE. You somehow cushion the blow, because deep down I know you will eventually believe in me, see me and support me. I suppose unconsciously it is something aligned with if you can make your biggest judge your ally, you have arrived..... You say what most people think. My lesson has been to not make choices regarding my own life based on what others think of me... and you have created the situation for me to confront those fears on a VERY personal level. I can only believe that we have been sisters in a past life because I somehow believe that no matter what you do you still love me. I just believe that..... I always tried to fix things in the past. Now I am trying to allow them to develop at their own pace..... instead of trying to fix relationships with people who have hurt me... I recognize I have an open door policy. That where the balance may be for me, is that my friends know that when they want back in my life, I will never hold a grudge, or push them away or not believe in their ability to evolve... that I will always be a cheerleader for the growth and love of all the people I have met in life... and everyone deserves the space to grow. 

I think this is what they call being detached. Not pushing people away, but recognizing that everyone is where they are supposed to be, and in the end I needed everyone to push me away so that I could hear my own voice and not be embarrassed about who I am.... I needed to have to see myself, alone... to recognize I am simply LOVE. I have always lived like I want to be jesus. ONLY LOVE. no matter what your crime, no matter what your treatment of me, others or yourself. That even if no one else behaves from the same place I do... that I will persevere and never sell out on that part of me that loves forever and always. 

Our biggest failure as a society is that we punish the people who suffer the most. We don't offer compassion for the children that grow up to be adults that are so disconnected from love that they have the ability to hurt their fellow man. We must continue to foster love for all humans, and be patient enough to teach the adults who never learned. AGE has nothing to do with awareness.... and everyone just got what they got.... everyone is having to unlearn things they have believed their whole lives... and that makes life very uncertain. Apparently that's where life becomes adventurous.. in the not knowing.... but man is it ever confronting. 

I love you because I love myself. I love you because I see your spirit, your dreams/your hopes/ your promise. I love you because you allow me the opportunity to share what I know to be true. You let me share my wisdom. And that can only be heard by someone worthy of such wisdom. Most people are so scared to even look at themselves, my wisdom is lost on them. 

If it is any consolation... I knew you would eventually have to look at what was going on inside you... and I believed you would have the strength and courage to shift your perspective. I believed in your capacity to grow.. and saw that you had to go through this... I couldn't force you to see what you were unwilling to see... and that it would happen in its perfect time... to not be sad about you leaving and to not be hurt... but to allow the relationship to evolve however it is meant to... and that I can't control your side. I can only control my own.... that standing up for myself was worth the loss of the relationship... but that I had hope that you loved yourself enough, that you loved me enough to eventually accept me for me and be thankful for the originality of my thoughts. For the kindness I offer, for the forgiveness I provide. For the blueprint of love I create. SO thank you for evolving enough to start seeing that... and for loving yourself enough to be willing to share yourself with me when I am sure it has been quite scary to not know if I will shun and resent you like so many people do after they are hurt. 

The truth is, you did hurt me. You judged me during the scariest choice of my life. You left me to question my choice whether it was selfish or self loving. I have come to see and believe it is only out of self love that I have behaved and for that I will not apologize... I tried to help you to see how you were sabotaging the relationships you had with T. and M... and instead of hearing the observation, you attacked me... it was a quick and sure way of getting me to shut up, preventing you from getting off the train wreck that you were creating. Your ego gets rid of me at the exact time you NEED me. But somehow, through getting rid of me, by what ever means necessary, you are forced to see something that I am trying to show you. You thus become acutely aware of the behaviour I am trying to show you... and so whether it is through listening to my observations.. or pushing me away so you can see them for yourself... you will see them.. you will grow.... and that is my promise to you. That I will always love you enough to support your growth. 

OK... that's what I have for right now. I think this may suffice in terms of bringing awareness to the behaviour you are trying to shift.... but if you need further insight into specifics about your life, if you want me to share further my observations of you and your habits... just ask. I will be happy to share what it has been like for me on this side of the friendship. 

much love. 

I believe in you. 

Merry Christmas. 

evolution of love - letting go of SHOULD - being thankful.

It's interesting to be falling in love with awareness. To recognize my triggers.... to ask myself what the triggers are trying to show/teach me. To not react but grow from each experience, bringing me closer and closer to love. To presence. To freedom.

The expression "have no expectations"... is an interesting saying. I have always felt that there is something missing by saying to not have expectations.. it is important to expect the best in people. It's important to expect love and kindness. It's important to expect respect. To allow everyone you meet to walk into the space I can provide of love and understanding... maybe...sometimes for the first time in their lives... sometimes for the only time in their lives.

But not having expectations is deeper than the expressions leads our childhood selves to understand. To not have expectations is to accept everything that life decides to give you, with out judgement of whether it is good or bad. To allow the grace of the universe to expose itself at its own rate, with its own care.... allowing me, the individual, the opportunity to revel in the delight of the unraveling of the beauty of life.

Without having expectations frees us from the confines of our own construction of the way things "should be".

SHOULD - I believe one of the most detrimental words in the English language. The infamous "should" gives us the opportunity to compare something against something that does not exactly exist. An idea.... it does not allow for the fierce, chaotic beauty that life can drum up. It denies us of our very nature.... "should".

It is a word that had had me feeling inadequate my whole life. I "should" be smarter. I "should" be making more money. I "should" have a better job. I "should" be different than the way I am.

Growing towards the light I have had to teach myself to let go of all the times where I consider the word should.

The expression of that evolution is apparent to me in my relationship with JA. To watch my own thought process of feeling like he "should" talk more.... I realized that I had convinced myself he didn't talk much.... but I knew that when he did talk he had a lot to say. I watched how I was teaching myself to only watch for when he WASN'T talking... as opposed to watching and listening for when he WAS. To allow him the space to share when he wanted to and to choose to not share when he didn't want to. And to be completely present for when he shared so he felt heard, and more encouraged to talk in the future. Correcting my own thought process, being available for him to be who he is and not making him or the situation wrong for not being the way I THINK IT SHOULD BE.

this has ocurred in a variety of areas already in our relationship. And everytime I see how I would never want him to feel bad about anything, so I can talk to him about things that may concern me, but to never be upset because he isn't behaving the way I think he "SHOULD".

Something shifted in the past couple of days for us.

I told him last night that I feel how I felt the first week we spent together. But different.

It was new, it was wonderful and I had no attachment. It could have not turned into anything and I would have been ok. It was shiny and wonderful.

Then life progressed and losing my job, moving out and not getting the other job started negatively plaguing my heart. Thinking about friends I had from high school and throughout my twenties that have refused to be in contact with me recently started making me feel miserable. Inadequate.

I asked myself why I was thinking about all these things... especially the girls who are evidently ignoring me... and I saw that my definition of love was still wanting someone who didn't want me back. That I would go towards abandonment and rejection.... it;s what I know... without even knowing it.

But this was different. JA is different. I am different. That the lesson was one of letting go relationships where I am not loved and appreciated. To become all the things I wish my partner was. To embrace my love for him, to be inspired to be romantic and caring and loving.

I can see that with my last relationship within the first month there had been countless times where he had rolled his eyes at me, that he had not listened, that he had made me feel foolish or incompetent. I would correct him and see how his behaviour was a reflection of how I felt about myself.

JA has never once made me feel dumb, inadequate, foolish, crazy.... or anything negative. He may not be good with words, but his silence brings me a sense of comfort and peace I have ever felt before. His energy is what I crave. Everything else is pointless. That if I want to be loved for who I am, then I have to love for who he is.

Always checking and guaging myself whether my behaviour comes from love or fear. whether my reactions are based on an idea of the way things "should" be... or whether the way things are are in fact more wonderful in a different way than I could have planned. Whether my heart really needs things to be different or whether its my own need to be in control to search for something that is wrong.

I have accepted this journey. Living on the edge of life. Being thankful for all that life has provided and continues to provide.

When I have nothing to give I have love. And when he has nothing to give he has love.

We spent the day yesterday, a Tuesday, in bed.... all day... .making love, laughing, sleeping.... and trying to melt into each other. It was the most beautiful day I have ever shared with a man.

He had told me he loved me before... but I could feel that he was still hesitant.. and so was I to be honest..... but yesterday he said it... and I felt like he really believed it. That he looks at me and sees the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. That he loves me back... and accepts me for all I am and all I am not. Encouraging me to be me... and allowing me to express that however I am supposed to.

Its an amazing thing to let go of should. I feel lighter.. I feel safer and I feel more in love with JA than I have yet. That the love for him grows deeper and deeper and sharing love with him is redefining love for me. To recognize that patience, kindness and understanding is love. That relationships that are not full of these things are not examples of love and compassion... and that never again will I allow myself to be treated any less than this.

the freedom that arises when inadequacy for not being "somewhere else" or "someone else" is let go. To accept life changes gracefully and with love and appreciation for the journey, the lessons and love. To be stripped of all the outside things I have typically defined myself with allows me to simply be thankful for presence. Thankful for never having to "figure it out". Thankful for living the adventure of life. Thankful for happiness. Thankful for love. Thankful.