Full circle moments... why it all happened to me

i first want to appologize for spelling mistakes and lack of proper editing. i am writing using my phone as my computer wont turn on and i do not have enough money to acquire alternative methods of technology.

I am writing today because soon my phone will be cut off and i will not have the means to share my experience.Lately I have had so many experiences that are contributing and supporting my beliefs that their accumulation is daunting in being able to sufficiently share enough to expose my truth in a way that leaves others with sufficient tangible evidence to my reasoning... but i look at authors throughout history and somehow they were able to have the courage to sit and write their truth...and so i pull on their courage and share my own.

This blog is an interesting place for me to share this knowledge as it was started as almost a parody on my life.... a 24 year old having sexcapades and random experiences that i felt were both funny as well as educational... it has become the diary of my soul's journey and because of its history in my life it demonstrates we are never separate from our experiences. My sex life, my relatability with men, as well as drugs, drinking, partying coupled with my experiences in the other areas of my life including travelling.... demonstrate that the individual is not separate from their experience... no matter how much one tries to deny their true nature.

 i speak from lived experience...one i have had to teach myself to be proud of... in the face of judgement. It is an interesting experience being me... the evolution of my desire to expose myself and my life experience to a world that is more apt to judge than find relatability in my words i hope that ultimately my journey is an echo of all those before and after me and my ability to be courageous in the face of criticism, in a world that would rather you delete your facebook page to not expose yourself to the awareness of yourown personal journey than embrace it. I suppose it is the proverbial cross i bare...and a promise i have ultimately made with myself to be willing to stand naked in all my vulnerability in order to inspire others to do the same.

We are not perfect. That is the truth.... but we are perfect in our experience... we are perfect in that we do what we can for ourselves...for our soul's journey and like Oprah always reiterates...when we know better we do better.

This blog shows a story... one that i have struggled to own... but it has kept me honest... in fact i would have to say that my courage in sharing my experience on line... even if no one reads it has kept me honest to myself and therefor has allowed me to go deeper in my spiritual journey.

 There have been times where the fear of someone finding out this blog was written by me has scared me enough to come to it and delete sections i fear being judged over.... ultimately it has never been the judgement i fear... but rather the fear of not acquiring a job...  something I can see plagues almost everyone...and what I alluded to in my last post. I suppose with all the things happening in my life recently i have come to make peace with myself, my life and ultimately the universe... and that I have told myself that if i die tomorrow I am proud of the life i have lead... my behaviour and ultimately the legacy i will leave...however in that peace i recognize that the 30 years i have been afforded to experience life as a human being offers me a unique point of view that would be lost if i die tomorrow... and so it is now my promise to myself that I expose and document my own truth....from my perspective... in the hopes that offers a unique perspective that contributes to the dialogue and ultimately the shift in humanity that must occur if we are to save ourselves from inevitable self destruction. Brene Brown, god love her, has exposed the scientific evidence of strength and its correlation to courage. I thank her for her contribution in validating the exposure i put myself in by sharing my life experience... raw.

  I have come to see it is my ENTIRE experience that has afforded my insight and not portions of it...and so proudly share the evolution of my sould via this medium....and i hope to one day have the courage to share my name, face and the countless videos i have made about my journey and my insights... but for now... this will have to suffice my soul.

 I believe that it is our fear of sharing ourselves that leaves us sick and uncomfortably depressed. it is our fear of weakness, of empathy and of spirituality that perpetuates this behaviour and i hope that by shining a little light on my own raw experience that others can find their humanity. I digress. 


 This year has been the year of full circle moments for me.... and has most recently ended in my making peace with mother nature. A far stretch from everything I have yet written... but its easier for me to start at my most recent experiences to pave the way back in time to put all the pieces together.   A strange day 2 weeks ago...that started with finding a quote in a tree on a nature hike by seamus heaney who wrote a poem on Beowulf that i shared on this blog in thr audio'poetry of self compassion'. it is an image that i have recited in my head over and over again throughout the year...that it seemed fitting for the universe to remind me of it.  Although sharing the entire experience of the past two weeks seems rather daunting when everyday seems to expose new growth in my soul...i will attempt to share the most important aspects. i knew the poem by seamus heaney...before i knew what the original was about...but in summarizing both they explore an idea that is being illuminated throughout the world right now. In the original, from what i understand...Grendle the siren is killing all the men of the village and it is beowulf that is sent to kill the siren.... that he is successful and is given riches and the crown...seamus heaney's version and subsequently its presentation in the audio file i came to listen to exposes grendle as the parts of ourselves we fear. That if we ultimately face our fears and make peace with those not-so-nice parts of ourselves that we can become our own hero. Stretching it a little further i saw that the juxtaposition of bothbpieces of work expose a deep struggle faced all over the world... that grendle is in fact the feminine traits of a man who feels vulnerability and emotional exposure is weakness.. that by killing off the feminine power and riches will be his...but in makingbpeace with her...he becomes whole and his own hero. Written by men it makes sense that the allusion to the feminine is apparent but exchanging the two characters in their sexes could also be true of our inner desire as women to stave off our masculine traits.

It has been difficult for me to sort through all my feelings and thoughts tgrough this journey to be able to properly articulate it.... but this is my attempt.    it is this body of knowledge that i have explored my inner being coupled with all the experiences and acquired knowledge in other areas.... it is difficult to expose it all as their are so many facets and tangents that i fear i will lose you, the reader.... but if i am successful than i hope to share what has broughy me peace in the hopes that my journey can be replicated...and if my ultimate desire to reach enlightenment is ascertained there is some evidence that i am no different than any other human being and my journey is a tangible experience.     Thebpoetry on self compassion exposed that it was a HUMAN experience to hide the parts of us we dont like from ourselves...and that if we are to ultimately become whole we have to be willing to let go of the judgement... not only stop caring about what others think of us... but to let go of the judgements of ourselves. That the only way to do that is to make peace with them.... which ultimately requires stripping ourselves ..myself from duality...ironically one of the teachibgs to enlightenment is the letting go of the dualistic mind and functioning from a singular heart. hmm.  so throughout the past year much of my intrrnal reflection has been on what parts of others and ultimately myself i judge. Money, health and my ty Money and health are still waiting to be addressed in my world...but i can attest that all three are intertwined... i believe the body has an inate ability to function at an optimal level and if its been supported and the individually is mentally sound the body will be able to keep disease and illness at bay. And so my practice in both of those areas is to avoid beating myself up for lack in both areas committed in figuring myself out...and believing that once the others are sorted health and financial abundance will be the ultimate result of that...i digress.

It has been an interesting journey growing up as a girl and turning into a woman...learning about the plight of women around the ......watching my own mothers journey and finally being old enough to look at my own. I think what affords me the ability to have this opinion is my experience as an only child to a single mother who was spiritually free and 50 years ahead of her time. She taught me that god is love...and that my journey was mine to take...wherever that took me....that i must stay true to my heart... something i have seen is verbally, physically and emotionally beaten out of children and so very few are even aware of their hearts desire.


In going through this journey my sexuality has been thr most trying of all my behaviours that has tried my own judgements of myself...and this blog has played a significant role in that realization. My role as a woman and my desire to be in a healthy relationship....and ultimately be a mom...
 When my mother got cancer she refused to do any sort of traditional treatment...she had heard of 'the new medicine' out of germany where adoctor and his wife had gotten cancer shortly after their son had died...which lead to the hypothesis that physical wellbeing was tied to mental wellbeing. The doctors had subsequently studied 40,000cases world wide and it was gheir conclusion that indeed each cancer was tied to trauma that hadnt been healed....my mother didnt want anyone to interfere with her desire to follow her alternative beliefs...and so i was asked to keep her cancer and impending death to myself.....which in hindsight i can understand but it took an enormous emotional tole on me..alone through the experience.

I remember her saying to me at one point 'i am putting my life on the line for what i believe in'.... now i can see that her life, her beliefs, and her death were in fact the gifts she gave me....and have steared the course of my life to here.. that it was through her sacrifice that i know what i know now. Each layer of my experience exposes itself gradually and the pieces are finally all coming together....but 30 years is difficult to summarize.

5 months after i found out my mother had a lump in her breast...she died in front of me while we sang kumbaya and waited til she breathed her last breath. I sang two other songs for her that day....always self conscious about my voice i knew it made her happy. Leaving on a jet plane and i will remember you. both songs of which i have avoided listening to since that day....it has only been in the past month that i can listen to them again....making peace with my life.

My mother believed her cancer was manifested becase she never dealt with her sister dying when she was a teenager nor had she dealt with the anger around my father not being around.... she believed the spread of bone cancer was the feeling of lack of support and the lung cancer was the breath of life...the fear of death.... and then she died. This year i had to ask myself if i believed what i saw to be true despite the fact that she died....and if her beliefs were true or not. 10 years of inquiry has lead me to believe that what i saw happened and yes, what she believed was atleast mostly true...although there still are questions....i feel i have accumulated enough knowledge....evidence that i can state my support. My mother died at home with no pajn killers.... she meditated herself through her pain. She believed that she had to deal with her shit in order to survive....and to her that required a deep relationship with her internal self. We didnt talk much abou it...but i remember the nurse being confused when she couldnt find any crackling in my mothers lungs and full air entry the week before she died......mum claimed she no longer had pain in her legs of which she had had for almost a year fro  the bone cancer and the lump in hrr breast had moved to the surface.....of which the new medicine suggested is what happens when thr body is ridding itself of the disease and toxins it has accumulated....i saw all this....but she still died and so i was put on a course...unconscious to me of whether i trully believed her. A question that if i look back on my wholenlife i was in constant question of because of the criticism i constantly saw, heard and experienced as her daughter.


Abraham Hicks says we need to live in a contrasting environment to know what we want...to know who we are and that it is our choice. To recognize that my journey has been whether i want to embrace the life i was exposed to as a child..i had always had a critical eye ensuring i would be able to defend my stance...
 To be exposed to a truth so radical at 20 i have sought knowledge on all fronts.....a journey of self discovery...of letting the fear of judgement go and exposing the very root of myself to myself in order to figure out the truth... and ultimately with the desire to live a long properous life.... and chnge the world. i forget who said itm... i think perhaps Gandi...but that if you want to change the world you have to start with yourself..... which leads me back to finding the poem in the tree.


 i didnt look at the poem for the rest of the day...we left it in the tree but had taken a picture of it and my phone was in my friends backpack...looking back on the day i had inadvertantly lived the poem in my own adventures which brought a sort of ceremony to the whole experience. it was a poem inevitably about rebirth and that day i felt reborn.....except of course the money and health but that is the next part of the journey. Running water never dissapointed...crossing water always furthered something ...stepping stones are stations of the soul.

The day was an interesting journey for my feminine self...i came to see that i equate adventure into nature with having the need of a man to feel  safe....subtleties in my behaviour slowly exposed myself to this inner fear. I drank from a running brook out of an underground river... the brook flowed into a larger river of which i decided to explore but the boys i was with didnt want to. I felt myself frustrated and scared to do it on my own...but in the self awareness illistened to the desire of my heart to face my fear..  and recognize i could never be whole if i was always following a man. i dont know the word...where the journey is an allusion to the greater plights in life.

i ended up finding a clearing a little firther down the river bank where it opened up nd the sun lit up thebother side as though the flat rock were beckoning me to cross again. this time there were no stepping stones.bthe water was cold nd clear and up to my waist.... i had never crossed water wi  thout a man before...or anyone for that matter. i always have had a deep fear of falling... something i think my mother didnt help by being overly concerned when i fell as a kid. I
I debated walking back along the river bank and coming at it from the other side... but i knew it was in crossing it... in doing it despite the fear that would lead to something more... and so i took off my shoes and my socks, rolled up my pants and carefully crossed... recitingbover andbover in my head... i will not fall... i will be fine.I got my friend to take a picture of me standing in the middle... the sun gleaming on me as though it were congratulating me... my facial expression says it all... the humour the universe has in making sure my friend took his sweet ass time...so that i was standing there in the middle...forced to breathe in the moment.

 when i arrived at the other side i was barefoot and so i went on my own adventure through the forest.... following my heart. After about an hour and exploring...i finally started to get scared that i was lost. the second i felt concern one of the boys showed up and told me the path was only a short distance a way.... clearly the universe was taking care.

Throughout the day T. was constantly in my psyche. In fact he had been there headily since the night before when i came out of an after party to realize i was 4 houses down from where he lived. Drunk, stoned and alone..having been left by the girl whose house i was going to crash at but who had picked up.... i was vulnerable and my longing was bubbling up.For the past two months when ever he comes up in my head space i constantly tell myself to be my own longing...something i had heard through all my reading... the need for belonging...is the need for yourself... be-your-own-longing.

 I had never called anyone to come get me after the bar... i had never really had anyone 
 to call... but i had made this friend last winter... our relationship had started on our relatability with the opposite sex and he is the only person who knows almost the whole story of T. i texted him to ask if he was awake.... he responded and i called. crying about T. I asked him to please come get me. On his way over i had walked to T's house.... the sidewalk running outside his house... i couldnt even pass the threshold of property... as though even being there was a violation of his space. i stood outside looking at the house... feeling as though he was so close yet he could have been on the opposite side of the world.... for all my heart could feel. That a year of sharing my feelings had pushed him as far away from me as possible.... i had written a letter to him the week before sharing a similar realization... that pushing him further away brought me closer to myself.... i stood therelooking at his house in the light of the street light and said goodbye.I wrote a message to him that night that i chose not to spend... and the next morning i cried at my friend's house about how difficult it os to let someone go and love them anyways.... so in the forest that day he was there... with me... me looking at why i still felt this way after sooo long. I stood under the trees and promised myself that if i ran into him again i would thank him. That it had been his ability to let me share myself with him...without reacting...by creating the space for me to converse with myself and explore myself had brought me tobthis deep point of being able to see my engrained desire to find a man to feel safe. I also vowed to share that my insight had lead me to believe that a story he had told me about getting stuck in the woods at dusk with no food or water and of strangers showing up was not a lesson in being prepared as he had stated but rather a lesson in that thebuniverse provides when you follow your heart.
 The end of the day anything that came up that triggered me i let go of... i just allowed the day to happen... and at one point found myself in an apartment looking directly over to the bar i had been at the night before.... i felt my heart telling me to go again.... something i thought was odd considering the night before. as i went to leave my phone hadnt been charged.. so instead of getting upset i stayed longer... finally, 3 hours later everyone parted and i found myself walking to the bar.... only to run into a girl i had met the previous week who had ironically been invited that day but had not been able to go. I told her i had a crazy day and i would like to share it.... she was curious... so i did. i got about half way through the story when she got tired and left... my friend had joined... and so we finally made it over to the bar i had been at thr night before.... as i walked up... two men were leaving and i knew before he even turned around.

 I breathed... smiled and as our eyes caught eachothers... i said'of course im seeing you today'. he responded with 'what does that mean'

' i just had the most incredible day in the forest and it would be fitting that i would run into you at the end of it' i laughed.

I looked over to my friend and said 'this is T... T. T.' just to make sure he made the connection.... that he could vouch for the serendipity of it all. They shook hands... this was the first time any of my friends was meeting him... that he was real. I proceeded to tell T about the day...the shortest version... and in the end concluded that i had become accutely aware that I feared nature...that i always had felt like i needed a man to protect me... he was surprised. 'why would you fear nature? its MOTHER nature Amanda.'

 "i dont know"
  
n" so
 that you have realized that are you now going to make peace with her?''
yes' i responded. Our conversation was calm...and i finally got the courage to tell him what i had been thinking all day. to thank him. To share my deep gratitude with him. He responded by asking me what else he could have done... and i said'you could have been mean' he said'im not a mean person and i said'i know.. thats why im greatful'. My friend had dissapeared during the conversation and had watched from afar only appearing to show him the picture of me in the middle of the river. perfect. I also told him of what i thought the lesson was about the story he had told me the second night we had met... patience he had interjected and when i told him what his original answer was he was surprised.  He finally told me he had to go and i asked if i could hug him good bye. he agreed and while we were finally sharing a real hug i thanked him again. I wanted to say i love you....but the fear was too strong. He hugged my friend and as he walked away i yelled after him. 'T.''yes''you know i love you right?'' yes i do.' he left and we went inside. at the table we sat at my friend found his card. thankful that that wasnt all i got of him that night...satisfied to know that i would have found it regardless...    Two days later i fohnd myself driving hone for a night with my family for thnksgiving...i had been non stop thinking about T. the auspicion of it all and the questiom he had posed. almost home i texted the number on the card i found and shared that i think how we are going to change the world is by being able to become whole.... a few moments later i had my answer... i am scared of nature because i grew up in the city... my mother had been my relationship to the city and my step dad had represented nature... that coupled with the loss of trust of my mother as i became a teenager...along with barely being mentioned in the will...i had lost my trust in mothers... and as i drove down our road my heart told me to go to the rock i had spent my childhood going to as a kid when things were difficult at home. a place i hadnt been since probably the age of 16... which prompted an entirely new journey...one to be left for another time.
 I made peace with nature that night... reminding myself that the cosmos that had created the day in the woods and of T. of always making surr everything worked out...was also the cosmos of nature...of the animals and the fear i felt was a mirror to the fear that nature feels.

 Like everything the emotion needs strengthening and over the past week my ability to trust the universe has dissapated as i get closer and loserto the end of the month.... the lack of sufficient income instills a deep fearthat trumps my trust.... sonething i am working on... but the experience still lives in me.... along with three other nights i have since spent in the moon light. That my mothers death happened for me to learn how to heal myself of the pain in order to become whole.... the journey continues.


As for T. i texted him a few times as strange things were happening to me... and asked him to join me on a couple occasions with no response. I was surprised that his sense of adventure and  peace making hadnt prompted his curiosity.... but alas. i guess we are still on different journeys and i cant suppose to know when we will find ourselves in eachothers space again. I still miss him....and there are moments that i long to touch him and hold him and share space with him... but if he is my perfect match... I still have a ways to go until i am completely whole...and so must trust the journey....and if he isn't... well the journey is still the same... knowing that i am fine on my own...and that the universe is constantly supporting me... that my mother died for me to becone accutely aware of how any issues you have about yourself or your life can manifest thrmselves and the only way to avoid the calamity of physical illness is to deal with your shit. T. by being who he is.... has allowed me to explore the attachment i have to being in a relationship... and the parts of my being i still have to work on. By allowing life and learning to not judge it but accept the ebb and flow, the rise and fall...i am allowing life to flow through me... giving it the space to create a masterpiece with my life. i know the destination cannot be guaranteed... but the journey of letting go of what i think'should be' is allowimg far greater happiness and peace... and maybe i had to remain poor so i could prove that happiness always comes from within.My dream now is to have a pink jeep and on one side write'just breathe, just believe, just be'... on the other side say 'keep dreaming' and drive across the country sharing my story of how i had a dream to meet my dad.... and a dream to know myself....and both were coming true.... so here's to hoping. sweet dreams. xoxo


Also to be noted is that the day of the photo and of T was 10•10•13. the day spent making peace in the dark was 10•13•13.... how fitting.

the loss of fear- the truth of our nursing school and medical system

it has been a bumpy road for me... I would like to say its only been over the past few  months... but in fact it has been a consistent struggle my whole life... to be me in the face of the ignorance that exists throughout society.
 i  am 30 years old, have a university education, speak 3 languages, have lived in 5 countries and have travelled to 11. i have a deep sense and understanding of sciences and spirituality and i am again back to serving... which at this point isnt even covering rent.

 Like everything in life there are various reasons... one of the ones i am blatantly aware of right now is a crippling fear that i cant quite articulate... but i have noticed that when someone isnt happy with their job i can come up with so many different ideas for them... but when it comes to me im paralyzed... as though my circumstances are an obligation i must fulfill... or some other version of that.

 Going nursing school i came to realize the brokeness of the system and the intense fear of being different, of thinking outside the box.... of challenging a system run by women who have functioned in a world where everything is black and white.... hypocrites to their own theory.

 I quit nursing school in August.... its been 2 months since that day and i am only now starting to be able to speak about it.
 With the lack of rational support i have been left saddened by my experience and angered on a deep and profound level that has left me silent to the truth.... as though i am scared of the repercussions to my actions.

 Even now I find myself hesitating with the fear of how writing my truth will impact my future.... and yet, i suppose... the experiences i have come to live over the past few years... along with the space i have given myself have allowed me the time to analyze the course of my life and question my experience in order to develop realizations, hypotheses and conclusions of both life and medicine.

 My computer is broken and i havent had enough money to fix it, most people in my life believe that my decision to quit nursing school has been a waste and sympathy has been less than obvious...and yet in my heart i know it was a necessary step to being able to be an observer and write my truth from a place free from an obligation to be loyal to the profession.


I am an amazing nurse. i have letters from patients and verbal statements from staff to preceptors that who i am is special..and i have an uncanny ability to nurture and support individuals in their experience...so why did i feel pressured to not continue my studies and remain small?

 I do not regret my education, nor do i regret quitting although the fear of not being able to pay novembers rent and pay back all my loans scares the shit out of me.
 I suppose it has been this journey that has afforded me the insight to share.

the system is broken. More than i would like to admit. the pressure to be perfect when the imperfections of individuals is what allows for change is at the root of the issue... never having been a paid nurse nor acquire the title leaves me spellbound in how the system has ever evolved.

One of the most critical reasons i applied for nursing school was that i believed that WHO I AM is a nurse. My life experience and my ability to be self aware has afforded me the ability to recognize what people need, when they, themselves do not know.My experiences have built a deep sense of relatability and compassion that i rarely see and it is for this reason that i feel my story needs to be shared.

I haven't written in a long time because the emotional toil all this has had on me has brought me to a place where internal reflection has been my sanctuary and i do not condemn my experience as it has taught me an unprecedented amount about who I am and the life i want to lead.

accepting my own decision was the most difficult aspect of all this. To acknowledge the deep suffering in my heart every day i went to a clinical placement and to accept that my heart could no longer justify the bullying that i experienced for an inevitable pay check and financial security. I saw how misunderstood i was and saw a future that would never let up i gave in to the inevitable and decided to drop out in the face of failing with only 4 days left in my clinical in my second last semester.
 Anxiety riddled me and working in mental health, i was hyper aware of what too much stress and the attempt to fit into a world that didnt understand me could eventually have on my mental health

.Acute mental health is a farce in our medical system. it is being managed by individuals who refuse to look at their own shit... in fact the entire medical profession is run by hypocrites, disconnected from their own Experience.... and how can we expect any less when the entire medical model is based on the body as a machine..
 I fell in love with nursing while reading theory on wholistic care and on how the wellbeing of the ENTIRE individual is paramount to wellbeing...and yet with a patient to staff ratio that is appaling and the lack of support for the nurse...wholistic care is an intangible dream. Not to mention when individuals like myself with knowledge and experience that can contribute are left criticized and misunderstood.
 The truth is... mental health is of paramount importance to physical health. .. and what i have found is that without a drastic shift in our way of thinking and care we will continue to see illnesses rise and care decline.

From my perspective we have been tackling health care from the wrong end... from a reactionary perspective when it...in most cases is too late.

Mental health is directly tied to spiritual and physical wellbeing and through the course of my life i have come to see as well as accumulate a vast scientific as well as experiential evidence that i am..... and ultimately my mother was right.

I am at a full circle moment in life....where i can see the journey my life has taken has brought me to this point where i have something deep and profound to share...the answer to my life's question.... how do i not die at 56 like my mother.?..who am I? and was my mother correct in her beliefs?.

 these answers came from a deep belief that my mother died for a reason...that my life in all its chaos has had a divine purpose and if i am true to myself that reason will expose itself eventually.

That reason and the subsequent knowledge i have ascertained is where i am now...and i suppose i am greatful for everything that has happened to me because it has brought me here. I quit nursing school finally because the most recent complaint made againat me was that i ask too many questions... ifbyou were to ask any of my peers they would share that i am one of very few students that would ask questions and that this behaviour is one of the traits that sets me apart. The irony is that when i attended university the first time i was scared to ask questions....but when returning to school i made a pact with myself that i would never be too afraid to admit i do not know...understand...or in some cases feel sure enough in my conclusions....and would be courageous enough to ask...

When i was a kid i would ask questions that i knew the answers to because i knew if i was scared, having known the answer the students who didnt know would never have the courage. I accepted that about myself and went off to nursing school believing that quality would ensure my success.... the irony that it was ultimately my downfall. It was stated to me that it demonstrated a lack of confidence and took up too much of my preceptors time... an appaling accusation for a student.... at the time i agreed but could not sway the fear it had instilled in me...to ask too many questions and fail or to NOT ask the right one and make a mistake and fail....a catch 22 in failure i accepted defeat.

I believe it is my courage to question everything and my desire to be as knowledgeable as possible that will ultimately change the world....that it is these traits that make me unique and ultimately an enormous asset to an organization that needs to implement change....and yet i failed because of them. How can we raise individuals to be inovative and creative if we do not encourage their learning? How do we change a system when we are unwillinh to challenge its flaws?

 One of the most tangible ironies of my experience can be seen in the teaching of individualized care....that current nursing theory exposes that care must be provided on an individual basis...that each person is unique in their experince... and yet.... each nursing student is not treated as such. How can one treat patients as unique indivuals when they themselves have never experienced it?

It demonstrates the lack of awareness of the profession and exposes a lack of self awareness on the individual overseeing the education.

 I have come to see that no change can happen in a system unless the individuals in that system are willing and supported in looking at themselves... without internal self awareness there is no foundation for professional self awareness..... and ultimately, in my opinion ....professionalism is a farce and is a quintessential problem that imposes itself on the health and wellbeing of each individual taking part in the profession.

 Who i am is because of my experience. it appears to me that the evolution of our humanity lies in our ability to recognize, allow and accept our individuality and recognize that we are contained in one form....that our experiences cannot be compartmentalized. But the older i get the more i see how this legacy of a facade...pretending to be two people....for the sake of a pay check reaps havoc on the individual, the family and ultimately the society as a whole.
 I cannot imagine i am at the front of the pack on this awareness and yet when i speak to individuals the idea that one must be two different people one in professionalism and the other in private is rarely questioned. it is simply expected and followed....and i can see how it is killing us.

 I dont know why i can see it....i dont know why i have the ability to refuse to break my psyche into two parts...but my hearts desire to stay whole, true and authentic is greater than my need to please and....perhaps that will ensure my financial poverty, but i suppose i would rather die authentic and poor than rich and fake.
 It is all pieces of the same issue.... and i dont suppose i will be able to change a social construct that has been passed down from generation to generation....but i dream of a day when the individual is celebrated....and the trials and tribulations of life are not trivialized. which is why i write.

September 11, 2013

It's amazing how big an impact this day had on my psyche... that you don't know when everything can change...even when you think you are safe....so live the life you want and enjoy every moment to the best of your ability...

feeling this day and the sorrow in my heart and all the things i have seen about how fearful people became as a result sadens me. with great loss we are able to get a glimpse of what we will regret...when our own end comes.

on this day, in 2001 we stopped as a collective across the glbe and regardless of history, religion, sexual orienrientaion, monetary status, marital status, culture, sex, citizen of any country...

we stood as a global collective and shared our love....and as a collective we were saddened... as a COLLECTIVE we felt our humanity.

we sent our love to the people in the towers. we sent love to their families..we sent love to the emergency workers...we sent love to all of new york...we sent love to the rest of humanity... if only we could harness that... the world would know peace.

love your life... do the things you've always wanted to do... find a way to do your little kid dreams....open your heart to that anything is possible if you want.

where i am at... introduction to the story that was the summer.

its been 2 months since i last wrote... its like i needed to give myself space to process and just live in order to reflect.... the week of august 12 everything came to a head.... something had to give and i ended up dropping nursing school.

im feeling now like letting nursing go is as though i let go of the final lock blockonv me from full self expression....

now the only thing getting in the way of sharing my experiences is myself.
lately i have been in deep reflection and self awareness... attempting to shed light on aspects of my life that i have not understood or been waiting for an answer to .... in the end i am finally seeing the divinity in my life and it is gradually settling in as peace in my heart.
there's a line in eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert where she quotes  Virginia Wolfe and says " across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. on one side of the sword ..she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword , if you're crazy enough  to cross it and and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion' nothing follows a regular . Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existance to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous.'


I read that quote 6 years ago and it resonated with me... and the deeper i go into myself...into who i am.. the more i am forced to accept that who i am... what i want is only what's offered at thr very edge of life... where all my fears and insecurities also lue .. which forces me to a place of accepting that convention, and safety comes at a price of adventure and possibility.

that my life terrifies me... but as i reflect more and more on my life i am finally seeing there is nothing to be acared of... the the unknown is very divine... if i can trust the feeling inside... soething i cant see... and accept the craziness that has forced me to a place where i am letting go of all expectation and convention forthr chance to have a life out of my wildest dreams.

my channeler told me years ago that thisblife was for me to have fun.... quitting school with 4 days left of my preconsolidation was me tellingthe universe i want more.... security isnt worth losing my heart and voice.

people ask me why i quit... there are so many reasons.. and like everything its all in the story. the story of thr summer....

loss of distractions... the fear of being ALONE.... inside

I am in a state of limbo today.

I felt it all day...

This morning I felt deep grief for the loss of T. .... its the connection I miss... the tangible feeling of being gotten when no one on the planet seems to really understand me..

The feeling I felt when I met him was a glimpse into something I had only imagined.... and since... every time I try and get over him... I struggle with the loss of that feeling.

Throughout this journey I have continually asked myself "if he's your mirror... if they are all your mirror than what are you missing?"

Time and time i come back to me. That I must somehow not be available... if that's what I am getting back from the universe.

Its weird, in the past two weeks I have met 4 men who just think I'm amazing.

one told me that I was incredibly special  and that I could never just be with anyone... that I had to find a man who was as special as me.. and to never change

one told me that I was a love sprinkler and saw the depths of my love and appreciated it

one danced with me and told me he just felt like he wanted to shower love down on me

and the last told me that he had never had someone cut into his soul so clearly and so quick and that I ws dangerous because of how attracted he was to me.... and thanked me for our conversation.

three of them are in long term comitted reltionships, 2 of those are married. and the fourth dissapeared without getting my number.

So then I ask myself why?

why do these men that seem to get me.. that seem to think I deserve the world and all it has to offer not be available to me?

When I woke up today I was so sad about T and I wrote him a quick messge asking him if he would be willing to hang out and have fun... so I could prove being around me doesn't always have to be intense and dramatic.

As I wrote it I didn't know if I believed it myself.

I don't know how to REALLY have fun.... and be light hearted... my life has seemed like a struggle my whole life... and I feel like I have been constantly on the look out for being misunderstood.... always trying to make sure that I don't appear TOO different than anyone else.

But slowly over the past two years I have become more and more myself outwardly, I share more and more about what I believe and what I know... and every time I expose more of myself the more committed I become to myself... and to staying myself.

It's weird... its partially that... but partially that I have just become more and more aware of myself and I have learned to like myself more and more and so I am standing up for myself and what I believe and what I want.... I becoming more of what I want to be...

What I learned from the last relationship is that I want my partner to understand me... and to not have to worry about him being insecure or have to explain things about what I know is sooo abstract.. I need to find someone who just gets me.. so we are on the same playing field.

and yet... I meet these men and they are unavailable. so I ask myself.. if they are all mirrors to me.. what am I projecting...

being in limbo today was weird.. I had things I had to do for school and I dauttled. I got it all done but I noticed myself trying to find anything to do but the thing that was MOST important. I knew it was.. but I didn't want to... so like me to not do what I don't want to.. and yet... if I want what I want.. I have to do it... I finally told myself that I wasn't allowed to do anything until I did that... and yet I still sat in the drive way for an hour once I got home from shopping...

its something I do all the time... its my hangup... its my self sabotage.. its my procrastination.

I got my assignment done and then I wanted to go out..I texted a few people and no one was around and I thought about going out by myself.. maybe meet a few interesting people like usual... but instead I convinced myself that I should probably just stay in.. that it had been a while since I had a day off where I was just alone with myself... and that I probably needed it.

I was antsy all night and then my friend J. called and I ran through all the things on my mind .. what I had been dealing with lately and she just said "sounds like you are in limbo" and ir resonated with me.

Since the conversation I have been watching so you think you can dance... everytime which inspires me to dance... inspires me to be me... and lately, reminds me that I love to swim, dance and ride my bike... eat healthy and sing.... it reminds me of my spirit... and every time I watch it it reminds me how much my day to day life doesn't include the things I love.

I neglect myself... I neglect what I need.. especially when there are assignments to be done.. and work to go to... and teachers to placate... I get so stressed that I forget about me.. occasionally I get back on track... go dancing or swimming... but it doesn't last very long....

I was laying here just now.. watching myself think about men... feeling sorry for myself that I still haven't found a man that adores me... watching myself be upset about school... worrying about things...

I watched as I thought about how I don't put my all into things.. and that I find it really hard to stretch myself... that I have been working really hard with extending my time... but that I don't like doing any extra work.. and when I have any down time I am usually watching TV... while I am avoiding... there's this feeling in my body... pressure in my chest and my stomach... fear...

and I just held my stomach and heart and brought the energy from my thoughts to that space...and felt that what I am missing.. what all my troubles seem to have in common is me... my love for me... my dedication to me... to doing the best I can at everything... for some reason it scares me... I feel like I just want to sit on the sidelines.. and never work too hard outwardly... it terrifies me for some reason...

I can sit here and imagine.. if I stopped distracting myself all I would have is me.... and there is still that last little piece of me that is scared to excel.. scared to stand out... scared to do everything I want... be everything I want...

right now I am wondering if its the fear of not being liked.. that when I was a kid anything that I was good at I would get criticized by someone.. and maybe that's what the fear is.. to be so great that I stand out.... and get criticized.. so I keep my passions and my interests locked up inside so that I can never hear the criticism...

maybe ultimately its a fear of criticism along with I just want to be lazy sometimes... I forget that its not work when you love it.. and I forget there are things that I love.... and should love doing... should make time for.... and that if I refocused my energy from thinking ourward.. to thinking inward... instead of navigating people and trying to sort out the men in my life... my feelings about my family... my life... if I were just to be right here.. with me... could I actually accomplish the things I really want?

I can't believe how scared I am... I know this feeling all to well.. its the anxiety I feel whenever I should do something... and don't want to... I distract myself from me.... with men, and drama, and drinking and tv and going out and work... I distract myself by making excuses about time... and experience... I know that it would take 15 minutes a day to start being able to play the guitar...but I don't do it.

I know that going swimming, or stretching, or dancing in my kitchen, yoga or going for a bike ride makes me feel good and yet I tell myself I am too tired... I know doing my homework three days early would make me feel less stressed.....I know doing some of the things I have wanted to do in other areas will make me feel more relieved.. and yet I don't... I stay away... scared to even go there..scared to explore those parts of me... its like I have blocked myself off from my love for me...

and so I ask myself.. what would it take for me to dedicate myself to doing the things I need to do for me... EVEN when I am stressed? even WHEN I have worked a 12 hour day? what would it take for me to stretch myself even further than I have.... back into myself.. where I put myself first, ahead of everything else.. EVEN SLEEP?

What would it take for me to stop wanting a man entirely... for anything? and completely embrace my aloneness?

I'm scared of my aloneness.. I am scared of having no distractions for me... I'm scared and I don't know why.

So that's where I am at tonight... just thought it would be helpful to write.

the last letter to T. where calmness took over.

I finally got the courage to share my blog today. It scares the shit out of me. I have had to use all the tactics I have accumulated over the years to curb the anxiety I had the secnd I posted it...

but I know its what I am meant to do in order to finally accept all of me.. to realize that I am me.. and this journey has been about learning how to be me at all costs.

I'm scared about what I have written and exposing the rawest parts of me... but then it is my legacy of being brave enough so others may find their humanity that drives me...

it was ultimately in running into a man that I have met a few times, and him sharing his own blog that had hints of my own that I finally got the courage to share... and I am so thankful I have met him.

I am scared that I have written things that will upset people.. I am scared that I have written about people that will not appreciate being part of the exposure of my life... but I hope that I have been able to hide the identity of those that would be hurt.

Rereading parts of my blog I see that I never completed what happened with T and I... there is only one letter about me learning how to embrace my sexuality that I removed for fear of exposing a couple men I love.... and so I will share our last interaction.

We did run into eachother... and when I got home from the bar.. this is the email I had received:

*****
I'm sorry the stars cannot align to make us work on any level. I have no idea why or how. My apologies please look within and find peace as I am constantly doing too.

******

it took me 2 days to respond... and this is my response.

*****

June 7, 2013

I'm really thankful you wrote.
I'm sorry too for everything. Its really been a crazy ride and seeing you...and not running away from you... being brave enough to come back and talk to you ...and accepting that I could share all I have with you... put my heart on the line and accept that the stars have a different plan.... changed me.
I feel like I had a conversation with myself with you as the sounding board over the past 8 months... but for some reason it was exactly what I needed... its weird and slightly uncomfortable to accept that you witnessed me practically lose my mind...I was telling myself that I was trying to get you to see your own humanity...that you could never be worse than me... by accepting me for who I really am..I wanted you to accept yourself....when I think what I was actually doing was learning to see and accept myself...and to be honest with myself about who I am...to truly love myself and believe in me.
Its so crazy to think that if only I had been able to sit back and be calm and patient... listened to you and what you needed...things would have been different.
I have been on this power surge since my mom died... almost like I'm frantically looking for the key to life... this past year everything sped up.. I couldn't wait for anything... so many things happened since last may.. and you just happened to show up when things really started to get overwhelming. When I met you I saw so much hope and felt grounded around you...I wanted that desperately back... but through not getting it... and having to survive the past year on my own I have built a tremendous capacity to trust the universe.
Seeing you changed me.
Ironically the first day you texted me and sent me those pictures saying 'dont forget my outside is just the shell to what's inside' was the first day of school...and Wednesday was the last. As of yesterday I'm in my final year...my 9th year of post secondary education...its like Im finally getting to the home stretch and I can finally breathe.
I was so scared to see you...mortified that I have really been the insane girl... embarrassed that I sent you all those letters and texts... I was scared you would hate me....but when I saw you... I believed that you weren't going to embarrass me.. and you weren't going to use anything against me... and hurt me with the knowledge you know about me. I knew that I had been right about you.... that you are one of the great ones... who can't be mean.
I couldn't help myself falling in love with you... and I remember telling myself that I had to try or I'd regret it...and try I did... slightly backwards and retarded.... lol... but I guess I'm just like that.
I've learned so much from the past year... I only wish I was this calm, accepting and clear when I met you..but then I had to meet you for that to happen...
Ah the irony of life.
If there is any way you can forgive me for putting you in such an awkward position... and find a place in your heart to allow us to laugh at the ridiculousness that has been me... it would be really nice to just hang out.
I know that's a huge request considering I just contributed 8 months of insanity to your life :(
God you know... I'm really really sorry for making your life any harder... I've been selfish. Incredibly selfish. I couldn't see past my own desires... my own loneliness... I couldn't see what you were begging me for... space.... I took it so personally ... its totally fucked.
I just couldn't see then what I see now...and I'm sorry for that...
I couldn't see that space is the most important thing. Acceptance and listening... being receptive to anything life throws at me and not resisting is the only way life works out....
I would like to get to know you. I don't know what that means.... but I liked your stories and I liked feeling like myself around you... and everything else aside... that's all I want.
Ill be honest ... if I were in your shoes... I would probably never want to talk to me again...so I know its a tall request...
Thanks for not making me feel bad.
Amanda

****

it's ironic. today being scared of sharing it was T that gave me the ultimate courage.... because there was nothing that would ultimately scare me the most than to have him reject me... and so I had to remind myself... that I have survived that... and that's what has made me free.

It was the moment I shared with him... where I owned my behaviour... that was the ultimate step in self acceptance.

His allowance of my craziness is what helped make me whole.. and that he came into my life to allow me to love deeply and instantly enough that I exposed myself fully, faced my fears and become who I am supposed to be .. and I will always be thankful for that.

I need to close that chapter so I can open my heart to another that can celebrate me.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.... the lessons are always there if we can embrace them.

Off to night shift.
A.

double lives - why I write this blog.

I just watched this TED talk
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

and it inspired me to write

To be honest the truth of our insecurities to show our real selves to society is why I started writing this blog in the first place.

It was because I could see that I was starting to sanitize what I said about myself...I was starting to worry about people knowing who I really was.... and so I vowed that I would remain authentic to myself by keeping a log of my life.. my struggles and my journey... so that I could never be 30/40/50 and say that I was stupid... it was so I could document that it was a JOURNEY.. and I knew what I knew at the time...

ironically it has allowed me to see my humanity... and allowed my level of compassion to grow...

what I have noticed is that most people play with their secret lives the way I have my own... but then they hide it from themselves. they force themselves to pretend they are what society expects them to be inside always feeling like something is missing. they are ashamed of the person they were... they can't own their choices.. it becomes a person outside of themselves.... we detach ourselves for fear of linking the parts of us society tells us are shameful.

My sexuality is perfect case in point. It is the worst thing, I as a woman can admit to.. its what men shame me for.. its what women shame me for.. and its what I have shamed myself for... but through this blog and my experiences I have come to accept it as part of me... and to have no judgement for something that comes naturally.

I have been told so many times that I am too open, I am too trusting, I am too vulnerable.. I share too much.. as though my free spirit must be reigned in...

the irony is that being me scares the shit out of me.. but it has beckoned me my whole life.. to never sell out.. to never pretend and to give the freedom to the people around me to either accept me for who I really am or not... the tough thing is that I get rejected a lot.

I am super intense... I do not waste time with people.. I do not waste time in my life...

I have been analyzing life for a very long time... and have felt like a foreigner trying to figure out how to behave in a country that doesn't suit me.. in a world that doesn't want me to be me.. and what I see is that everyone feels the same way.

we have lost our humanity... the comfort of reallizing that we are all the same... and that life is organic.

But I still exist in this world and it is why I'll sign this blog with my real name.. and then when I start feeling like what I post might soon resonate on a deeper level I go through and remove my name... because it scares the shit out of me for people to know who I really am...

the funny thing is.. all my friends know these stories.. in fact most people I meet know these stories... its the institutions I am scared of. Its the school I attend and the fear of being caught and not getting a job.. not having any money...

But I know the time will come when this blog will be the voice of so many on their own journey.. and I will have to stand up and own my life to people who will outwardly criticize. Ultimately I am beginning to understand that those that judge, judge themselves... and they are simply projecting their inability to accept all of who they are... that who I am and what I represent in this world is true authenticism... broken down and beat up... light and dark... imperfect authentic me.

I do not hide that I haven't figured it all out yet... that's what makes me human.. its the journey and trusting that the journey is leading you somewhere.

These past few years going through all that I have I have had to get deep inside myself to ask myself who I am and what I am willing to protect about me at all costs... and my connection, my relatability and love are things I will not compromise on.. and if I find myself in a position where I am forced to compromise then I must choose a different path.

Its scary leading the way of your own life.. in a society that separated humanism from business.... how can we possibly thrive if we are not to be compassionate to our fellow humans? and it is only through, recognizing and accepting our authentic lives.. and refusing to judge ourselves for playing by our own rules... not those dictated to us by societal 'norms'... because what I see is that societal 'norms' are the lives we hide from one another... and those that follow those rules are usually the ones suffering blindly on the inside.. so cut off from who they really are... because that's how you get by and become successful in business, you learn to manipulate others to get what you want...

I on the other hand remain optomistically myself.. with the hopes that it will all pan out for me one day and my authenticism will be what creates financial freedom in my life..... that it will be what beckons people to be themselves.

its lonely out here sometimes...

"if only we saw eachother's secrets what comfort we would find there." John Churton Collins

the voice inside your head

I am doing my first rotation of nights at the hosital and I am 2 hours into my day sleep and I woke up to this aweful dream where men/boys were being torured because I spoke up to this crazy man... the feeling of devestation inside me was palpable... just begging with him to stop... appologizing profusely... that whatever I believed in wasn't as important as their wellbeing...

These ast few weeks have taught me that... well its not that I didn't know... but its been more implanted in me now... that there are some people who have power and they see the world differently... and if there is no room for your interpretation in their world.. its best not to fight.. but to placate to them... because at the end of the day the truth will always remain the truth whether you believe it or not.

When I went into practice last night I had a letter waiting for me from one of the patients. She left last week and I had had the opportunity to be able to sit with her on a  few days and share my insight, allow her to question her own.. and subsequently help her to shift inside herself in whatever way she needed to.

and yet I wrote a short paper this weekend on how unprofessional I am. It is discusting that we live in a world where everyone is so scared about getting into trouble.. being sued... being misunderstood.. that life is resigned to a science.. where all interactions are deemed equal... in nursing its as though we are robots who are expected to treat everyone the same.. and yet all the literature points to the uniqueness of each individual...

sorry but if you are an ass hole to me.. if you have no room for me.. then I will not waste my breath on you... its just the way it is... and some people I meet will be ready to hear what I have to say.. and some will not... any form of real extra care and love can be misunderstood as sexual and because of that we are destined to fail eachother.

LOVE is essential. to EVERYTHING. and love comes from a unique connection to the inner self... to the earth. its organic and forces us to expand ourselves. In order to walk through any door of fear.. we must love ourselves enough to believe it will make us a better person.. we will survive...

the choice is always LOVE or FEAR.

I just came across this video and it has inspired a new thought

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

A

**** I feel I should finish with my thought about the voice inside my head.

I remember the fear of acknowledging my awarness of a voice inside my head. To acknowledge that I could witness a voice, or two, or three had me thinking I was pschizophrenic. It was an arduous process for me to come to terms with myself as the observer of my mind and not my mind itself.

Its been through this process and reading books on the ego and the spirit that has allowed me the courage to be aware of the voices... and recognize that they are the voices of love and of fear.

One is the voice that wants to protect myself and the other is the voice that is trying to figure out what I need to be whole...

through the process of self awareness I have come to see there is a place for both... and it is in using your brain.. not being the subject of your brain that has allowed me the opportunity to push myself past my comfort zone time and times again. the ego is a safety mechanism...to critically apraise a situation... but most of us are unaware of its use and so buy into the fears that it feeds us... all the concerns and worries about what could possibly go wrong...

It has been through conscious awareness of my own brain structure that I have come to see that when I am making a choice I ask myself.. is your decision based on love for yourself? or are you scared of doing it because you don't think you will be good/survive? If the choice is that I am scared... I choose to walk through that fear... and prove to myself that I am waaay bigger than I thought.. and waaay more capable.

I use the voice in my head to analyze the situation and figure out the scariest path is usually the one I am supposed to take...I use it as the tool its meant to be but at the same time I am easy on myself and I don't push myself too much, recognizing that if it gives me anxiety I am not ready for it.. and its time will come.

life is not as scary as it once was... and the more we open up to lifes experiences.. the more we will come to see what I have come to see that we are all the same. And life is beautiful.

It took me a long time to become self aware enough to not buy into the negativity that was my brain chatter... sometimes I still find it difficult because most of the time its so rationally safe... it takes a great deal of hyper vigilance to analyze a situation and make the right choice for me.. regardless of what society will think... regardless if I expose myself to being different... to following my spirit, my heart.. my destiny.

But I promised myself I would never sell out.
and that gives me the courage to continue to share.. until the day I have to stand up in front of people and share this blog and own that this is me. this is my life. and I am proud.

A

DREAM HUGE!!!! ....my bucket list

get the nobel peace prize
step foot in every country in the world
learn how to dance again - dance on stage
learn the guitar
have a strong body from doing the things I love - NOT from the gym
have and love a garden
sing with me playing the guitar
be deeply madly in love
have a baby. have two. have three.
have a camp - where kids have a place to go and learn and celebrate themselves. - maybe a school that encourages children to be themselves!
own a trampoline
kayak with killer whales
sail around the world
ride a horse at full speed in open land.
see the sun rise at the stone henge
touch every country in the world.
climb a mountain
dempster highway
swim with dolphins
see the wildabeast migration
see the caribou migration
see the pyramids
angel falls
buy all my clothes in the fair trade market
public speak about what I know.
change the system - contribute to changing the system
feel soul connected with a man
have sex in a waterfall
amazon rainforrest
own a potters wheel - make my own dishes
have my oown wood shop - make my own furniture
get a pHD - Dr. Jones
make beeswax candles every year
own a jeep - pink and rainbow
own a kayak
own a canoe
own a cabin in the rockies
own an eco tourism resort
become a master of yoga
learn a martial art that is only for self defense
write a book - have it published
have my own website
climb kilamanjaro
learn how to DJ
make lights - learn how to be an electrician
learn how to surf
go sky diving
space. - but I won't regret not doing this - jst would love to
learn tantra - practice it with my twin flame.
go camping by myself
do spoken word
own a restaurant - with all my favorite food in it / bar with all my favorite music
have a dance studio in my house with all the light in the world
get married
die with dignity
travel by car ground around the world.
visit a vineyard - learn abot wines
bartend in Ireland
learn a different message method in every country that it comes from
learn chinese medicine/acpuncture
learn naturopathic medicine
make inspiration pictures
learn osteopathy
learn aromatherapy
see a volcano
go storm chasing - seee a tornado
trvel through italy
own an old yellow bug convertable beetle with a chiquita sticker painted on it
go zip lining
learn to make money on the stock exchange
learn spanish
learn italian
learn from a medicine man
get that tattoo
raise a child the way I WANT
have a log house
have my blog inspire people to be themselves
have sex while fireworks are going off
have sex on a lighthouse
go to dharamsala
learn yoga in India
go volunteer in nepal
visit Dharamsala - see the Dalai Lama there
Do Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Thailand PROPERLY
the gibbon experience
scuba dive the great barrier reef/all the best places to scuba dive
ride a bike across Africa
own a tree house
own a trampoline
have a daughter and a son
design and build my own home
see the fireworks at the opera house in Australia
walk the great wall of china
watch the New years come in at the closest place to the date line
make mobiles for fun.. maybe light mobiles?
Tibet - see Tibet free
see a humpback whale - commune with?
giants causeway
guiness distillery
Vimy ridge
THE RED WOOD FOREST - the tallest tree in north America

night.

why we can't trust anyone

We can't trust anyone because we have this feeling deep inside us that they are going to betray us. Its what we would probably identify as intuition if we were to actually listen to our intuition. When we meet anyone, there is a small sense of impending doom.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.. but someday... you will leave me.

It is true.

If there is one thing I have come to see about life is that people leave. Whether they are the person at the drive through or the love of your life... there will be a point in your life where you will be on your own, without that person... and even if it is your argument that if you die first, then you won't be alone... well the dying process is one of complete alonenes... aloneness with who you authentically are... no more distractions... there you are.. having to be with the energy that exists inside you... who you authentically are.

Death is what we fear the most.

so when you meet someone this intution pipes up and says... hey.. just so you know this person is going to leave you.... and if they become close to you you tell youself.. somewhere.. that its ok if its only for a short time.. that you will embrace every moment.... but then something happens.. you feel incomplete without them... so if.. when they leave.. you are left feeling incomplete... you forgot that you already bargained with yourself.. you already told yourself that you would be willing to accept the end.. and here you are.. hating on the world for leaving you alone and broken.. AGAIN...

but its all in perspective... you can hate the end... or what do they say? bid it a fond and reverent farewell.. and be thankful for the beautiful moments.. and for the lessons the experience has taught you.

We don't trust anyone because we feel they are going to leave us.

We don't trust anyone because we don't trust ourselves.

Day after day we talk to ourselves like we are all retarded... like we have no clue about ANYTHING... as a society we are soo triggered by that word... retard... because it makes us think of no thought, of no clue... we have banned it from our vocabulary because we recognize that people with disabilities were once considered to have no clue, to have no "proper" thoughts.... HOW REDICULOUS! so then why do we do that to ourselves... if you put a tape receorder on inside your head I would bet a thousand times a day... maybe even hundreds of thousands of times a day you tell yourself about all the things you are not doing well... all the things you wish you could change about yourself... all the things you regret... all the things you wish you could have, or be, or do... we criticize ourselves for our past, we criticize and mentally beat the crap out of ourselves.. we act like complete retards.. like we cann't and don't know any better than to treat ourselves like crap.

Ultimately we are always paranoid that we are going to somehow fail ourselves... that our lives didn't turn out the way we planned.. that we failed ourselves along the way.. and so we can't trust ourselves..... we haven't come to see why yet... so we think we screwed up.... and I think... we are ultimately scared of death... the not knowing.. the aloneness... it is our fear of death  that feeds our concerns that we are going to mess up... and its why we can't even trust life... because LIFE is even impermanent... WTF!!!

the one thing we are holding on to like crazy ppl is the one thing that is the most transient of all things.

We can't trust ourselves because we don't see that we have survived so far... we play smaller and smaller and smaller in life... hoping to avoid the pain of the past.. so we convince ourselves that life is dangerous.. when in reality its living the crazy life that fulfills our souls... its risking your life every moment... for being on the edge of life... allowing life to be created in front of ourselves that will have the ultimate answer but thats for another time....

we have forgotten that being born was beating all the odds.. that it was hard! and arduous and painful.. and we survived... growing up was painful... and difficult and all our little dreams got stomped on... and we survived.. our heart was broken.. we've dodged death.. we've felt loss, despair, lonliness, poverty, hunger, trauma, guilt, pain.. we've all experienced pain.... and there you are..reading this page.. so I'm going to bet my life you've survived! you might be all broken and crying your eyes out right now... but I will promise you.. you are still alive.. and one day.. you will see that it was all there to help you understand.

We don't trust ourselves and we don't trust others.. because we can't see the bigger picture.... because we forget its all just a game anyways... and we make up the rules. Only way to change the rules is if EVERYONE agrees.. and the ONLY way for EVERYONE TO AGREE.. is if the answer is DIVINE TRUTH...

the goal is to see that you have always chosen the best path FOR YOU... that it may have lead you astray.. and you may feel like your intuition was fucking with you.. but ultimately.. it shone its light on the path of your own life... it made you see everything you DON'T want to be.. and NOW you get to see EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BE! you had to see how much you hated being where you were to see how much you want to be everything you WERE BORN TO BE.

You were born to be you. You were born to follow your life... and suffer... to see what you REALLY wanted.. and be able to tell the universe to cordially go fuck itself... that's the joke.. all the universe wants from you is for you to tell it to go fuck itself.. that you won't let anyone get in the way of who you authentically are... and that no money.. no one... NOTHING will stop you from being who you really are...so while telling the universe off... you can bow deeply to it.. and thank it for giving you your life and for giving you all the beautiful lessons...

We can't see that every moment is a lesson.. every moment brings us closer to ourselves... but we are distracted by the big things... we get caught up in feeling so ripped off by life.. we can't see the lessons....

I believe that if we are to trully live in an equal and just world.. in a peaceful world.. we must embrace our authenticism and only then will we  be able to care enough for ourselves that we care enough for others.

We don't trust ourselves because we think we constantly fuck up... and we can't trust other people because we think that they are going to fuck us... funny thing is.. we all are just trying to survive and we are all doing it the best way we know how.. and HONESTLY? what the other person does had nothing to do with you in the first place.

If you could make a chart about someone's life... a web of all the people in the world and the random moments they come into each other's lives... and out... we would see its all a crap shoot anyways... we get what we get... we get the life perfectly designed to bring out the best in ourselves.. if only we could see.

I hope through these chapters I am able to help you to see what I have seen.. to help you gain insight into your own mind and the nagging feeling inside you that this can't be it. I hope you can come on this journey with me while I share my insights... and hope that it can help you free yourself...

my #1 goal in life is to help people love themselves... it is my solemn vow.. and it has taken me feeling what you feel to be able to analyze it... Ive been where you are... and I will be there again... it is the journey.... it is being able to ride the waves of life with hope and joy and love and appreciation... it is ultimately not about being safe... but about being real. Who we really are.

We don't trust others because we got hurt a thousand times and we are scared of getting hurt because we haven't seen all the lessons all the pain has taught us.. we haven't learned from our life... we have reacted to it... we pretend that we don't have the capacity to reflect on our lives.. we pretend things didn't happen.. we pretend we are not who we are and we are scared of who we actually are.. we are terrified of being ourselves... because we are scared of losing the people we love.. because we haven't embraced that people come and go.. and ultimately.. they were the reasons we can see how awesome we really are...that's why we love them.. thats why we should love ourselves.. because we chose the perfect person for us.. to teach us the lesson we needed to learn. to ultimately teach us that we are perfect...

As soon as you can see you have survived life.. that you are WAAAY stronger than you think you are.. and stealthy.. that you are masterful at survival.. then life will start to not appear so scary... you have survived the worst of your life so far.. you will survive the worst of your life in the future... you are a survivor.... you can trust that you always will make the right decision for yourself... and the more you listen to your intuition.. the more prepared for the downs you can be.... so you embrace them as they happen and get excited for the rainbow at the end.

one of my favorite sayings is its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain.

You can trust yourself.. and you can trust others... if they fuck up they didn't know any better.. if you fuck up.. you didn't know any better either... too bad. try again.