why we can't trust anyone

We can't trust anyone because we have this feeling deep inside us that they are going to betray us. Its what we would probably identify as intuition if we were to actually listen to our intuition. When we meet anyone, there is a small sense of impending doom.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.. but someday... you will leave me.

It is true.

If there is one thing I have come to see about life is that people leave. Whether they are the person at the drive through or the love of your life... there will be a point in your life where you will be on your own, without that person... and even if it is your argument that if you die first, then you won't be alone... well the dying process is one of complete alonenes... aloneness with who you authentically are... no more distractions... there you are.. having to be with the energy that exists inside you... who you authentically are.

Death is what we fear the most.

so when you meet someone this intution pipes up and says... hey.. just so you know this person is going to leave you.... and if they become close to you you tell youself.. somewhere.. that its ok if its only for a short time.. that you will embrace every moment.... but then something happens.. you feel incomplete without them... so if.. when they leave.. you are left feeling incomplete... you forgot that you already bargained with yourself.. you already told yourself that you would be willing to accept the end.. and here you are.. hating on the world for leaving you alone and broken.. AGAIN...

but its all in perspective... you can hate the end... or what do they say? bid it a fond and reverent farewell.. and be thankful for the beautiful moments.. and for the lessons the experience has taught you.

We don't trust anyone because we feel they are going to leave us.

We don't trust anyone because we don't trust ourselves.

Day after day we talk to ourselves like we are all retarded... like we have no clue about ANYTHING... as a society we are soo triggered by that word... retard... because it makes us think of no thought, of no clue... we have banned it from our vocabulary because we recognize that people with disabilities were once considered to have no clue, to have no "proper" thoughts.... HOW REDICULOUS! so then why do we do that to ourselves... if you put a tape receorder on inside your head I would bet a thousand times a day... maybe even hundreds of thousands of times a day you tell yourself about all the things you are not doing well... all the things you wish you could change about yourself... all the things you regret... all the things you wish you could have, or be, or do... we criticize ourselves for our past, we criticize and mentally beat the crap out of ourselves.. we act like complete retards.. like we cann't and don't know any better than to treat ourselves like crap.

Ultimately we are always paranoid that we are going to somehow fail ourselves... that our lives didn't turn out the way we planned.. that we failed ourselves along the way.. and so we can't trust ourselves..... we haven't come to see why yet... so we think we screwed up.... and I think... we are ultimately scared of death... the not knowing.. the aloneness... it is our fear of death  that feeds our concerns that we are going to mess up... and its why we can't even trust life... because LIFE is even impermanent... WTF!!!

the one thing we are holding on to like crazy ppl is the one thing that is the most transient of all things.

We can't trust ourselves because we don't see that we have survived so far... we play smaller and smaller and smaller in life... hoping to avoid the pain of the past.. so we convince ourselves that life is dangerous.. when in reality its living the crazy life that fulfills our souls... its risking your life every moment... for being on the edge of life... allowing life to be created in front of ourselves that will have the ultimate answer but thats for another time....

we have forgotten that being born was beating all the odds.. that it was hard! and arduous and painful.. and we survived... growing up was painful... and difficult and all our little dreams got stomped on... and we survived.. our heart was broken.. we've dodged death.. we've felt loss, despair, lonliness, poverty, hunger, trauma, guilt, pain.. we've all experienced pain.... and there you are..reading this page.. so I'm going to bet my life you've survived! you might be all broken and crying your eyes out right now... but I will promise you.. you are still alive.. and one day.. you will see that it was all there to help you understand.

We don't trust ourselves and we don't trust others.. because we can't see the bigger picture.... because we forget its all just a game anyways... and we make up the rules. Only way to change the rules is if EVERYONE agrees.. and the ONLY way for EVERYONE TO AGREE.. is if the answer is DIVINE TRUTH...

the goal is to see that you have always chosen the best path FOR YOU... that it may have lead you astray.. and you may feel like your intuition was fucking with you.. but ultimately.. it shone its light on the path of your own life... it made you see everything you DON'T want to be.. and NOW you get to see EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BE! you had to see how much you hated being where you were to see how much you want to be everything you WERE BORN TO BE.

You were born to be you. You were born to follow your life... and suffer... to see what you REALLY wanted.. and be able to tell the universe to cordially go fuck itself... that's the joke.. all the universe wants from you is for you to tell it to go fuck itself.. that you won't let anyone get in the way of who you authentically are... and that no money.. no one... NOTHING will stop you from being who you really are...so while telling the universe off... you can bow deeply to it.. and thank it for giving you your life and for giving you all the beautiful lessons...

We can't see that every moment is a lesson.. every moment brings us closer to ourselves... but we are distracted by the big things... we get caught up in feeling so ripped off by life.. we can't see the lessons....

I believe that if we are to trully live in an equal and just world.. in a peaceful world.. we must embrace our authenticism and only then will we  be able to care enough for ourselves that we care enough for others.

We don't trust ourselves because we think we constantly fuck up... and we can't trust other people because we think that they are going to fuck us... funny thing is.. we all are just trying to survive and we are all doing it the best way we know how.. and HONESTLY? what the other person does had nothing to do with you in the first place.

If you could make a chart about someone's life... a web of all the people in the world and the random moments they come into each other's lives... and out... we would see its all a crap shoot anyways... we get what we get... we get the life perfectly designed to bring out the best in ourselves.. if only we could see.

I hope through these chapters I am able to help you to see what I have seen.. to help you gain insight into your own mind and the nagging feeling inside you that this can't be it. I hope you can come on this journey with me while I share my insights... and hope that it can help you free yourself...

my #1 goal in life is to help people love themselves... it is my solemn vow.. and it has taken me feeling what you feel to be able to analyze it... Ive been where you are... and I will be there again... it is the journey.... it is being able to ride the waves of life with hope and joy and love and appreciation... it is ultimately not about being safe... but about being real. Who we really are.

We don't trust others because we got hurt a thousand times and we are scared of getting hurt because we haven't seen all the lessons all the pain has taught us.. we haven't learned from our life... we have reacted to it... we pretend that we don't have the capacity to reflect on our lives.. we pretend things didn't happen.. we pretend we are not who we are and we are scared of who we actually are.. we are terrified of being ourselves... because we are scared of losing the people we love.. because we haven't embraced that people come and go.. and ultimately.. they were the reasons we can see how awesome we really are...that's why we love them.. thats why we should love ourselves.. because we chose the perfect person for us.. to teach us the lesson we needed to learn. to ultimately teach us that we are perfect...

As soon as you can see you have survived life.. that you are WAAAY stronger than you think you are.. and stealthy.. that you are masterful at survival.. then life will start to not appear so scary... you have survived the worst of your life so far.. you will survive the worst of your life in the future... you are a survivor.... you can trust that you always will make the right decision for yourself... and the more you listen to your intuition.. the more prepared for the downs you can be.... so you embrace them as they happen and get excited for the rainbow at the end.

one of my favorite sayings is its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain.

You can trust yourself.. and you can trust others... if they fuck up they didn't know any better.. if you fuck up.. you didn't know any better either... too bad. try again.

the summer solstice/ the full moon closest to the earth this year

So much has happened in the past month. Incredibly difficult... and incredibly terrifying. I faced my biggest fears.... I have survived the worst of my fears... and something has opened up inside me.. I see what I want... I see I can obtain it... and I trust that I may not understand how that is going to happen.. but by trully trusting myself... trusting the universe... trusting this crazy thing we call life... my ultiate dreams will come true... not because I pursue the money.. but because I pursue the feeling of freedom.... freedom from any oppression, free from any judgements... free from any fear.

I have been rejected by my twin. I have been rejected by my true love.... I have fought for myself and had to face that I was more important than any of my plans... my authenticism is what matters most.. and I will not sell out on myself for any reason.

bottom line is that I have never and will never sell out on myself... even in the face of losing the man of my dreams.. and even in the face of being faced with having to quit school.... give up on how I thought this was going to go... and I am incredibly empowered... and I realize... I have a book. I have sooo much to teach.. so much to share.. and this blog was the beginning, but my ability to synopsize my lessons is my next step...

I have a book inside me... and I am going to write the names of tentative chapters here.

what fires together wires together
how trauma triggers the first pain you have never dealt with
the biggest lesson of relationships
the biggest lesson of losing what you thought you wanted
our biggest fear of being with yourself
why you hate yourself - confusion between love and hate
why we get sick
the ultimate goal - self love, self acceptance
why we can't trust ANYONE
what is anxiety?
why we use drugs - hypothesis into the resulting mental disorders
why you hate your best friend/closest  family.
watching yourself
why we are sooo scared of ourselves and why we are so scared of everyone else.
what real meditation looks like... meditating through life.
men need to embrace their feminity and women need to embrace their masculinity
WHOLENESS
finding the child you still are
cleaning your house, finances, health, being on time, organization is a key component
the ultimate acceptance

the big hypothesis
the books I've read

I think ultimately this will become a website... where people from all over the world can contribute papers, and evidence to support the ideas they agree with. EVIDENCE is the only way to prove that my ideas can work FOR EVERYONE>... they have to be true. people think differently... I only attempt to explain it from my perspective. I do not claim to know the truth... I only claim to have hypotheses. This is my truth.. and if it is everyone else's then great. If not... then oh well.

So there.. that's what I have so far.

The new moon.

I think I may have finally found the space. The space that allows me to still believe that those moments we shared will never be surpassed by another human being... or experience ... and not being resentful...and not trying to convince myself that I'm crazy to feel the way I do... and not longing either... not being hopeful... but not being scared.... not being hurt and not blaming you... not being cynical about men...or love...and not staying attached where the thought of losing you forever is literally painful....

The only way I can describe it is being completely present. Not thinking about the days we spent together or the pain of being rejected and ignored...and not thinking about being a failure...not thinking about the future and having anxiety about running into you...or of having hope about one day you figuring your shit out.

Its honestly not thinking at all... just being in the moment.

I spent an hour and a half tonight watching the sunset. I spent 12 hours at the hospital talking primarily with a Greek woman who didn't say anything in English to me until the end when I said... 'you like me? :)' and she replied ' yes, I like you' in a thick Greek accent. I spent the past few days being completely random... spontaneously going back to Guelph for a night... and working 6 days last week.... I suppose I am finally coming to a point where the shit from the past 8 months has totally put everytging into perspective.... and the only way to be truly happy is to lose all judgement of every moment.. and just flow... without comparison.

A deeply different place than I have ever been before.

A deep calmness with no brain chatter... just the sound of this voice.... and the birds and frogs in the background.

You know this journey has been an incredible lesson in watching how I can tell myself to feel a certain way all I want... but until I find the space in my being.... I feel the way I do... that I spent so much time hating on you for ignoring me and hating on myself for going back for more... when all we both were doing was following our hearts.

  Meeting you was very auspicious...and since meeting you I have learned things about myself I would have never known had it not been for all these random things. Its been so difficult because I have been being stretched beyond my wildest capabilities.

  I asked the universe to make me whole.

The day I met you... when I told you.. 'if I think you are who I think you are...This is going to be the most painful experience we will ever go through... because everything I don't like about you is everything I don't like about me... and everything you don't like about me is going to be something you don't like about yourself.' I prepared myself somehow psychologically to take on as big a storm as I could...to make me whole .

I think what I have come to realize about wholeness its letting go of all the excuses you have to not feeling loved. To letting love come in and over flow... regardless of the situation... and accepting life to exist. Coming to realize that even if I never find a life partner, or am able to raise children...even if every person I have ever and will ever love, abandons me... I will somehow survive.... that I trust myself to figure it out... no matter what.

That me on my own works much better than some whole families... that I dance to a different beat.... and I can always rely on myself....independence I guess. Recognizing that I am the most independent woman I know.... I have come to really know myself over the past year.

The universe constantly challenging me to observe myself in the most uncomfortable situations... like Cody getting his friend to call me to tell me he was really sick. .. even though I hadn't seen him in 4 years and we were never even super close....to talking to him about death and honouring myself...to accepting there was nothing I could do to save him....and that he plays a piece in the vastness of life. to taking care of L. the weekend her daughter died.

My best friend not talking to me for 7 months... and experience meeting one guy after another that just vanishes. I have been able to witness myself in cycle after cycle after cycle of the same trigger and the same behaviour... I'm not fully there yet... but I notice myself being aware of things that trigger me and delving into why....to be able to define what scares me and abate my fears... I guess? T. I have never felt so light. So accepting of life.... just letting go of all expectations and just having a deep knowing that my life will be born out of the all mighty creativity that feeds it.... and that I never wanted a boring life.... so I haven to take every risk I can...and be OK with it...however it works out.

I do not claim to be strong enough yet for this feeling to stick through everything...because of course I still have triggers.... but its gotten far easier to observe and let go than ever before in my life. I'm sitting under the stars right now... listening to the frogs chirping.... thinking I'm the luckiest girl in the world :)

I can't wait til the fireflies come out. Miraculously I got through 8 months of being unemployed in nursing school... that I somehow figured out how to keep my apartment in the country and I'm brave enough to live here on my own come june.... that I can survive anything....and I have no regrets so I'm willing to die at any time too.... And ultimately to accept the pace of my own beat...the pace of everyone else's beat...and the depth of love I have...of gratitude.

  I have tentative plans for the future... but ultimately I think its being prepared for anything... and knowing that ill survive....and flourish no matter what I have to leave behind. That I believe in myself...in my life and that I know the truth. Its a profound new moon for me. Presence. A.

the debilitating fear of being vulnerable

So.. I have felt anxious all day... progressively it got worse.. until tonight... I feel empty.. like my gas tank is on empty around men... I feel like I have just loved these men who have been so mean to me... I love them so much and they ignore me. All of them. They just ignore me... they don't give a shit how I am doing. They don't give a shit about me... and yet I know they care about me... its totally fucked up.

I am in a very deep feeling-sorry-for-myself place right now.... I am definately starting to feel really lonely again.

I just wrote this letter to T. and told myself I can't send it.
*******

t.,

Today my friends wanted to go to the park, they suggested the one in front of your house and I refused to go... I told them that I am terrified to run into you that I am embarrassed and still in love with you.. that I feel crazy and that I just can't. Then the voice in my heart said "A.... you can't be scared of a park... seriously? you didn't do anything wrong... it'll be ok.. this is silly... you can't be scaredof T..."

I told my friends that I realized I was being rediculous so I went to the park... I had anxiety all day... in fact I have been realizing that my anxiety is been increasing more and more lately... especially when I am out.

I am terrified to run into you...

but I tell myself constantly that its rediculous... it goes away.. but then keeps coming back and I can't seem to shake it.

these past 8 months have been insane for me... I have had the worst year of my life.. and then to have had this weird thing happen with you.. I'm just so confused... I know everything happens for a reason.. I know that I am going through this for a reason... I know that its all happening exactly as it should and yet Im fucking terrified.

and the worst part is I have no idea what I am so terrified about.

I hate that I shared so much of myself..thinking that if I just kept sharing my feelings that you would realize that none of us are perfect.. and that you are lovable anyways... that there is nothing about you that can't be loved... I guess I was also sharing it all because I was forcing myself to do what scared me the most so I wouldn't be so scared of life anymore...

I keep telling myself that my decisions to stay in contact was because I had to see.... I had to try.... I remind myself that there was a 0.000000000001% chance that by me exposing who I really was to you.. that you would actually remember that feeling you felt on the porch... and there was a 99.999999999% chance I would chase you as far away as humanly possible away from me... I weighed it... even if for a split second... and that I can't be mad or embarrassed for myself for trying. .. and yet I am.

I keep thinking back to when you actually wrote me... and we talked for those couple of days... it felt so good to know that you were ok... and then when you started to get weird about me wanting to see you... I was so hurt.... that I felt I had earned atleast your communication... I wanted to desperately to see you... that I ruined any chance to .. and yet I didn't want to just be ok with you not recognizing how hard all this was for me... as I am writing this I am feeling really selfish.. and stupid.

I told you that I could handle however you were.. and that we didn't have to see eachother and then I got mad when you couldn't handle it.

I guess I want to be this super strong person who gets it... but I am just trying to figure it out as I go along... and clearly I lied.. I couldn't handle it.  

I feel like I did something wrong.. that I fucked this up right royally.. that I totally misunderstood that feeling I felt.. and have felt.

I can't explain how much you confuse me... I can't explain how difficult this has been on me... and how confused I am that I still care for you and don't hate you.. its like I can't.. everytime I want to hate you... cut you out of my heart and my memory like I do with the men in my life that have hurt me... I can't.... I feel like a prisoner to constantly making a fool out of myself.

The worst part is I have NO IDEA about how Any of anything i have said has landed.

I just had to assume that after all the letters in the fall when you wrote me again.. it meant something.. it meant that you still cared... you wanted to.. but you just couldn't articulate anything.

I don't know what I was thinking... I just need you to tell me something. please. I will always wonder if you just think I am a crazy person.. or if any of anything I ever wrote you made any positive impact in your life. Please just tell me that.

I just want something real with someone. I am craving ONE PERSON that I can be 100% honest with... just one person. everyone else is so fucking fake and judgemental and negative... I just want one person who understands me. I think you do and that's why I can't let go.... because I think you are the first and only person I have ever met that just understands me...

I'm so hurt... its painful to think about you.. I have to actively force myself to tell myself that I must have been wrong.... I have to actively tell myself that I was wrong about you and its painful... its painful to be wrong about you.

I get that you might be at a difficult time in your life.. but your ignoring every single thing I have sent you and written.. I didn't expect you to get back in contact.. but I thought.. trully I thought that you would... you would just see.... that there is no one who will ever be as vulnerable, honest and like you as me... I guess I had hoped that underneath all the bullshit you were really like me and it would be nice to know that you weren't strange.. that you were designed perfectly.

Now I just feel flawed... and I am struggling with my heart right now.. with trusting it.. considering it thought that you were the one.. and that I was obviously completely wrong. I have felt a lot of feelings in my life.. and I had never felt the way I did with you those two nights... nothing had ever felt so comfortable. and now... 8 months out be at a point where I have to convince myself that it was bullshit is totally surreal. I try and convince myself that its not that that wasn't real.. its that you changed your mind... but I feel like I am lying to myself.... its painful to give up. Its the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

I feel hopeless. I feel like if that wasn't real.. if that feeling was bullshit then I will never find the kind of love I am looking for. and that scares me.

I have never had a man make me feel as safe. Its completely ironic that now you scare me the most.

I can only feel like a failure. I'm completely lost.

A.

Being terrified to take responsibility

Here is the letter I just wrote T. While I was writing it I was sorting out feelings I have been having.. and then just at the end of the letter I felt like I couldn't send it... and the voice in my heart came through and I wrote at the end of the letter what it said.

*****

You are the man I fear most. How interesting. Every time I go anywhere downtown I am always terrified to see you. I have tried to figure out how I am going to act.. whether I am going to pretend I don't know you, or pretend that I am mad, or pretend that I am happy...introduce myself, or ignore you, and sometimes I think if I see you I will just leave.... but that's retarded... that these thoughts about the uncomfortability that awaits our meeting up circle through my head constantly.. and have all year.

I have sat with crazy sexist diplomats from Iraq and told them that they were rediculous for not valuing their daughters.. and you scare me more than that.

To realize how open and honest I have been with you over the past 8 months. To have essentially had a conversation with myself for 8 months... hoping I was assuming right about what you needed to hear, what I needed to say, what you were feeling.. trying to sort out my own feelings... with no feedback, no validation that I have been right... no recognition about whether my letters have helped you in any way...

I have days where I tell myself that I am and have been an idiot and I have asked myself why I have tortured myself over this whole thing when it could have ended 8 months ago.. but then I remind myself that every letter to you was a breakthrough in being vulnerable... every time I felt scared and uncomfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with you and did it anyways I conquered a part of me that thought I was unlovable because I think the way I do, or I behave the way I do.

This last letter was the worst... and now the anxiety around seeing you is the worst its ever been.

I don't know what posessed me to write that last letter... except my heart told me that being honest about those feelings I have been avoiding... and that it was important that I figure out what I was feeling... it truly has been in writing these letters that has given me the clarity I have needed to move forward...

I know being vulnerable with you has shown me that I want to be completely authentic with a partner.. but man it scares the fucking shit out of me.

Now you are a stranger who knows the deepest parts of me... as though I gave you my diary to read...

I know we are going to run into eachother at one point... if I act weird its just cause I have said so much in 8 months... I feel rejected and vulnerable and still love you.... which is a confusing place for strangers.

I hope that we can both find the maturity to accept what we both have done... that I have been relentless in not letting go.. and being vulnerable.. and subsequently have made you feel incredibly uncomfortable and confused... and you have kept me completely in the dark on how any of this has landed and what has been going on for you... which makes me feel uncomfortable and confused..... but the truth is we have met. we DO know eachother intimately.

It would be really nice if we could just be like old friends meeting.... friends with love and history... I guess ultimately just because it never worked out between us. I don't want there to be any resentment... which I suppose its me that's struggling with.

I guess maybe I know this had to happen this way.. but I resent the fact that you won't talk to me. and I resent the fact that you have never made me feel better about the choices I made.

A. - you cannot control this situation. T. is going to feel however he is going to feel... and you are going to feel how you are going to feel and you can't orchestrate it. You just said that you wished he would make you feel better about your choices..it is NOT his responsibility to make you feel better. You made the choice.. you accepted the consequences. You cannot put that on him.

When you see him.. behave the way you behave with everyone.. smile and say hi. It'll be ok.

******

good letter. Just reread it. Don'tknow if I should send it. Feel torn. I think maybe just let it go... and allow anything to happen and not try to plan it. or figure it out. stop managing yourself. its ok to be nervous.. its ok to be hurt.. its ok to be thankful and uncomfortable and confused. LOVE. its every emotion all wrapped up into one. accepting every emotion is full self acceptance. let it happen.
--

Do not follow the path that others lead, but rather go where there is no path, and leave a trail.

Two roads diverged in a wood... and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

Deep gratitude

I have this deep sense of calm right now. A deep formidable gratitude for all that is...
This winter... this past 8 months... this past year has been by far the most difficult I have ever faced. Yes, I have faced many obstacles in my life, but never the pressure cooker that I have found myself in over the past year.

This year has been trully a dive into myself, into the deepest parts of me, with only my determination to come out on the otherside a better person.

I have come to see that life is a process... one of countless cause and effect. I have, like all people I know been self critical throughout the years... basing my interpretation of myself on the opinions of others. I can see that most of the people that I have needed to seek approval from are those I have most sought after for guidance and for support.

This past year has shown me the depth of independence I contain, and that I am a different person than I once thought.

I believe now that we do not have the capabilities of really understanding ourselves, or the world we live in until we can be present with ourselves and spend time investigating who we are and what we want in life.

It has been, and continues to be, an interesting process of self evaluation and unlearning. I can see that the freedom I have obtained has been through believing in myself above all others. In recognizing the inner voice whose sole role is to guide me to who I am supposed to be.

I can see that much of my behaviour over the years, although judged by me and judged by others was infact exactly what my path was supposed to be and has afforded me the opportunity to understand myself in ways that had I not behaved in such a way.. I would still be confused about who I really am and what I want.

This entire experience with T. has been incredibly challenging, but I am in deep gratitude for what I have learned about myself in the process, and my experience with him has exposed the importance of the process. Of believing in my heart enough to stretch myown capacities, way beyond my comfort zone, thus leading to a deep understanding of myself.

I honestly do not believe I will ever feel the same way about another man, because he has been on the other side of this journey... that he knows the very depths of me now... more than any other man... and I have to let go of being able to explain this journey to anyone else.

I have no idea how he feels... but inside I feel that he feels it too. I have made a pact with myself to allow the process in letting go, allowing myself to live the life I have before me and accept that the time has yet to come where we can share our physical space.

I have no idea if we will eventually become lovers... or friends... but I know that we have shared something deeply profound and at one point in our lives we will be at a point where we can talk about it.

To be witness to my own development, to my healing... I can see that I cannot rush him.. that he must come to the same place of forgiveness and gratitude, and only then will we trully be able to be authentic with eachother.

Life is a process. We cannot rush our growth, and although we judge our lives and the events of our lives, it is through these experiences that we get to know ourselves.

I have come to a place where I know that my life is divinely executed.

I would have never written my story the way it has happened, but I am so very grateful for not having had the opportunity.

I could never have even imagined that I would ever feel this free, this relaxed about my life, the events of my life and myself.

I was trying to remember this evening what it used to feel  like inside me and what I feel like now. Although its difficult to return to that place I feel it was a sense of desperation, of not understanding... of wanting to believe it all happened as it should, but feeling as though I was unloved and unappreciated.

It has only been through surviving, getting to know myself and isolating myself to learn what I really want and believe in, that I have come to see that it was always my interpretation, my misunderstanding of love, that I couldn't grasp.

Love permeates everything. It lays dormant under the snow... and it is spring, the melting of the cold exterior that we are able to see the beauty.

I can see now that I have always been acutely aware that love exists.... and as a result the actions of the ones I love, when it is not in allignment with love, have not only confused me, but challenged my own interpretation of love...as though perhaps I am wrong.

What I see now is that my love trully is unconditional and unjudgmental... that I have been right all along, and persevering through other people's crap has finally afforded me the opportunity to be present to a shift in how others relate to me.

It has been my perseverance and my determination to walk in the space of love that has afforded me this chance... and how grateful I am for the opportunity.

For the first time in my life I am not seeking a partner to complete me. I enjoy the company of men, but their attention, their desire to be part of my life no longer dictates how I feel about myself.

The space in my heart that felt as though no one would ever love me no longer exists... because I finally love myself.

There are still areas of my life that I need to work on, but it is the love I have of myself, finally, that has me inspired to fulfill the dreams I have around my body, my mind and my spirit.

For the first time in my life I can see my outer person, reflecting the vibrant, confident woman I have become.

I do hope that one day I will have a man that wants to share my experience of llife with me... but I am ok if that doesn't happen... spreading my love throughout my circle of friends sounds just as wonderful, and my acceptance of my sexuality allows me the confidence to know, I will always find a man to love.. even if only for a night.

*****
I am so thank ful for the spring. I can feel the excitement in my heart about what this next season will offer me. The growth and the love.

Winters like the one we just had really allow for the little things to be gifts. The sound of frogs chirping, the feeling of a wind that doesn't chill me to my bones, the sounds of birds and the length of the days. It is the simplest things found in nature that I am most greateful for.. and I feel that it is trully to her that I am responsible to. She is the only being that can handle me... I was created from her... and thus must be loved by her as well. In deep gratitude for life. and for learning how to enjoy patience.. how to enjoy process.. how to enjoy life.

Namaste.

ALLOW...be sexual. be loving. be you.

It's so weird....

I feel this clarity right now around men... around the ones I love... I don't know if I am right but it seems like it fits.

women are taught to be sensitive and subordinate... Men are taught to look strong no matter how they feel... So you have strong women who haven't figured out their emotions yet and so show them and men who never deal with their emotions and appear like they do.

I realized this week that in order for men to become whole they have to allow their emotions... and women need to embrace their sexuality.

I realized that I love one night stands because the sex isn't caught up in any emotion.. its just raw, free and fun... that the second their are feelings around losing the person self consciouness settles in which is totally equated in the bedroom.

I remember times where I was scared that a guy would think less of me if I slpt with him in the first date. In fact the two men that I waited for were the two men I ended up dating.

If only guys didn't judge women for wanting sex as much as they do.

Its like guys go for the "housewife" who is innocent and "perfect" when what they really want is the girl who would fuck them in a bathroom for fun... imagine that was your wife!

Its just weird its like we have it all fucked up in our heads... we set ourselves up for failure....

I can see that I was a different person in the bedroom in both of my relationships... and I can see as soon as I didn't care what C. thought and we started sleeping together for the next 4 years its was SOOOOOO much fun. We would watch movies, have sex a bunch of times and then say good bye and go on with our lives. But after we would both feel guilty.. I know I convinced myself that I was a slut or some version of hating myself for not allowing him to use me... and he, I'm sure, convinced himself that he was just using me and hurting me.... and then we'd do it again.... without ACTUALLY realizing that it conforted us, it made us happy .. and yes when we said god bye it sucked.. but we wouldn't change what happened.

Its like we convince ourselves of weird excuses in order to justify the behaviour that we naturally do with what we think is "right". It's stupid.

I have also realized that the people who hurt you the most REALLY are the ones that LOVE you the most. they have n conceivable idea of what real love ACTUALLY looks like... their templateis all fucked.... so you are the only thing that can right the template.

I saw it last week with my family. As though nothing had ever happened.... they were so loving and kind, and generous... they gave me eggs and a couple chickens they raised. It was so kind.. and I could tell it was making up for the past... in what ever small way they could.

That I have been showing them what real love is.

I have realized that I have played this game of life rather stealthily without even realizing it. When I am hurt I appologize or avoid... I never retaliate and I never hurt back in any way... I want to fix the problem. Fixing it is better than hurting the other person.

So with my family everytime they hurt me I just stop calling... thinking well if they want me in their life... they will call... I take it personally and think that they don't love me.. and then convince myself that they do and try again. Unbenonced to me I really was right. They do love me...... they are just scared of themselves... they are just scared of LIFE!

I am a complete juxtaposition for everyone... I have lived a beautiful life inside very little means... I have stayed true to my heart and I am sexual... I have been poor and travelled the world... I have made life work for me.... and I am still happy.... I am everything people want to be.... but to be that they would have to face their fears... so its WAAAAY better to just keep me away and keep the posibilities at a distance.

Everyone convinces themselves that they have to grow up... in fact adults even make you feel bad for not being more responsible.. when you are having the time of your life..

The world convinced me that who I was was somehow irresponsible... and yet my life is the result of being completely responsible to my heart...and look how I turned out!

Not a soul in the world is my enemy. In fact I would hazzard that no one could say a bad thing about me. ... yes I talk too much, and I talk about men too much, I get sad a lot and can be annoying.... but i doubt that there is a person who could say I was ever mean to them.

So then maybe being sexual is the best thing that ever happened to me?

Maybe wanting to embody the sexuality of men is what kept me sane?

I realized that in my weakest moments I sought out the one thing in the universe designed SPECIFICALLY for pleasure... that all these years I thought that there was something wrong with me that I did that... and now I am seeing that it kept me sane. It allowed me to stay open to people.. it allowed me to realize that humans are all great... it allowed me the opportunity to see men, alot of men, from the other side.... I got to see their insecurities right away.

Most of the men I have slept with have told me secrets they never have told anyone.... it was a privelede to share their bed. And yes, sometimes I was sad to see them go... and sometimes, when I was really hating on myself I would resent them or reduce them to no big deal.....

but right now, looking back... wach one of them changed me in some way. Each one of them showed me how broken and scared they were... and how much they just wanted to be loved.

Its amazing how we all keep love at bay.... criticizing ourselves for just being ourselves... using a template we were taught as kids to measure our worth, our morality, our desires.... supressing ourselves and blaming others.... when all we have to do is be free. Allow ourselves to be ok with who we are...

look back on our lives and really believe we did the best things for ourselves with what we know... recognize that we were WRONG. .. and I believe changing behaviour.. to be honest is becoming more like me.

ALLOW life. Be sexual. Be loving. Be you.

Allowing

I have been feeling in the very depths of me for quite sometime that what I am not good at is allowing. I would have, a week ago, said receptivity... but I came across this youtube video that explained it all to me in a way that I could finally digest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKtSVSedii0&list=WLC7B27B4B9B8210DB

It's good to feel good.

listen to it.

Through the various things in my life over the past month I have come to peace with so many things. And I can finally see that if you take away all the faces of the people I have known... there are 6 billion people and THESE are the ones I got... so they were/ are there to teach me the lessons I needed to get to get to here.... so really they are just living their own lives... and here I am bumping into them.. wishing that they would change... wishing that they would be different... but they can't help where they are at on their own journey.. and that I have to stop being mad at people for not being the people I wish they were... and stop being myself for being mad at myself for loving them regardless of their behaviour.

and that ladies and gentlemen is the key to existance.... taking back your power....

I realized that I use men to fulfill a space in me.. and it doesn't matter if they enjoy it.. I use them to feel good.. and its ok, there is nothing wrong with it....so long as I can recognize that I do that... and therefore be responsible for when it is an even exchange of goodness.

I gave my happiness to T., to allthe men in my life and said "if y ou don't change I will be sad for my whole life." How daunting a declaration like that is... to see that's what I have done my whole life... declaring that I will only be happy if people treat me the way I deserve.. instead of saying "i'm going to treat myself with love.... and be happy.. no matter what you do!"

I will always love T. and I will always love every man I have ever shared a bed with... just because they shared my space and I am in gratitude for that.... that I can love... but that my life's happiness, and my dreams are no longer tied up in anyone else' life.

In the past few weeks I have also started to really come to terms with my sexuality.

To be honest its the scariest things for me to look at... to be honest about... I don't really talk about what goes on in the bedroom with anyone.... I used to type it here to keep me honest... but I, as I got older stopped, deleted posts.. and got scared of the world finding out who I really am...

but over the past three weeks I have been talking to this guy I know and we have been sharing all our sexual fantasies.. and I can't even tell you what has been coming up for me. 

I orgasm every time just talking to this guy....

****

I met a woman at the farmers market a few weeks ago that asked me if I was a taurus.I said "no, another strong sign" and she said.. well there are alot, "scorpio..."

ya that's me.

"oh you know that scorpio is the most sexual sign?"

"yes, I know."

"and she is ruled by her orgasm"

"ya, I get that... and yet that's where I have to most trouble... letting myself orgasm."

"well when you learn to harness your orgasm.. you will truly have come into yourself."
******

an interesting conversation with a stranger...she told me I should bring my chart to her the following week so she could read it... I'm waiting on the results.

Since that conversation I have been thinking about it... how difficult it is for me to orgasm... how difficult it is for me to be honest with anyone about my seex life... even myself... as though I hide myself from myself and how much I enjoy what I have done....

and how having multiple partners has taught me how to be an amazing lover...

I think that one of our biggest problems as a society is our uncomfortability around sex. People are miserable in their relationships and don't leave because they feel like they are bad people... yet they are miserable... again saying that their happiness is completely reliant on that one person as opposed to saying... I'm going to go find someone who makes me happier.

This weekend I finally realized what I want. I want it all.

I want a man who loves and adores me, but wants to have crazy passionate sex.... who would pretend with me at a bar that we don't know eachother so that I can pick him up...who wants me so badly cant wait til we get home so wants to fuck me in the bathroom.

I want to have a threesome and not feel uncomfortable... I want to be fucked and not feel used. I want to be dominated and then cuddled after and told that I'm loved.... I want us to fulfill all our fantasies without any judgment... and know that we love eachother to always make the other person feel safe and secure and cared about while fulfilling those fantasies.

The nice thing about one night stands is you lose all inhibition.. most of the time I was drunk... and it was exciting.... its fun to rip someone's clothes off, just cause you can.... and explore someone new's body.... and not give a shit about what they think.. what they are going to think...

and I want that in a relationship.... the catch? I want a best friend who wants to have crazy passionate sex with me... while not having any of our life decisions revolve around eachother....

and that is probably the hardest thing in the world to do... completely detached love.

I honestly don't even know if I could handle it... because I am so used to thinking that my partner would only sleep with me... and we would live close... but if there is one thing I know its that my life takes me to so many places.. and if I am to live the life I was born to live... I can't just stop following my heart because its inconvenient for a relationship.. but then I don't think I should be without partnership just because I may leave.... I just want a relationship that is completely free and authentic and both me and him know that we are safe with eachother.... and recognize that we love eachother... even if that doesn't mean spending our entire llives together.

this realization about how I want a dirty sex life along with love has me being so clear about what I want.... and I am feeling deeply available to the universe to give me what ever it thinks I need to get there.

Right now I am feeling no need to chase or get a man... because if he fits those parameters he's going to want me the second he meets me... and hes going to be enlightened enough to want the same thing as me.. and anything less is just bullshit.

And I can orgasm when I want now. :) the trick... let yourself make sound!!!!!!!!!!

to my friends and family, to the people

I have come to know myself on a very deep level this year.

My capacity for forgiveness, love and appreciation has been tested in so many ways. I believe that without my capacities, I would surely hve become bitter and resented the world this year had I not been through everything else in my life that have taught me how to think and analyze things in order to make sense of them.. instead of just being upset with the circumstances.

My love has been tested... who I am has been tested.. and as a result I have come to accept who I am... and understand that there are things that I am working on.. and there are parts of me that I still feel need work on...but that they can wait... baby steps. too much.. too soon will make anyone feel inadequate... and I am only human.

The most amazing realization this year.. this moment.. is my capacity to love. Love really is never ending. When it comes from truth... when it comes from compassion it NEVER ends. I thought for sure by now someone would have done something to me that was unforgiveable... but really? trully? I know you don't see what I see.. I know you are hurting and your behaviour only results from your trying to protect your heart from the hurt...that your behavious has nothing to do with me... or my ability to love.

I simply am love. I love unconditionally.... I will never stop loving you.

I my dissapear out of your life... you may convince yourself that I am not there... but know.. I will always be here.. if ever you just need someone to say I love you.

Just remember. I do. I am the whispers in the night that tell you you are perfect. I am the person who has seen your life.... your inner nightmares. I know that you hate yourself... because life didn't live up to your expectations... the people didn't turn out the way you expected... money, your job, your house, you family don't meet your expectations... I know that you are hiding in there afraid of the world....

But I will tell you.. that you are all loved. I do not need anything in return... just that you let me love you.... believe in me.. believe that I actually have the capacity to forgive everything. I am simply love.

Love is not based on whether you have comitted an atrocious act or whether you have always done what you were told...

sometimes they are the sae thing.... you are always thinking about what you "should" do... based on all the things you have been told your whole lives. the way you think you "should" behave.... you function from should... how  should I talk to this person to protect myself? how "should" I treat this person if I were to behave? I "should" I act if I want to get the promotion? how "should" I act if I want to get the money? How "should" I act if I want to get the girl/boy man/woman? How "should" I act if I want to live a long life? How "should" I behave if I want to protect my family? How "should" I act if I feel guilty? How "should" I act if I am angry? How "should" I act if I am sad? How "should" I act if I am scared?

How do I make this pain go away? How do I stop feeling?

Wanting to stop feeling an emotion.. is stopping life from existing... the more you push away your emotions.. the more you hurt the people around you because you have distanced yourself from them.. you have made it so no one can hurt you... so you cut yourself off from them... you cannot see the good, you cannot see the bad... all you see is that you won't let them in... because they could... maybe/someday.. one day hurt you... better to not love them then to get hurt!

But what if you did love them.. even though you got hurt?

What if you could see that they are hurting too.. they have pushed themselves away from people too.. and so they are hurting others.

The degree to which you hurt people is the degree to which you have pushed your feelings away... denied that you were hurt... denied that you were scared... denied that you felt unloved... denied that you felt lost... denied that you were devestated... denied that you felt unappreciated.. denied that you felt cared for... denied that you felt abandoned.... denied that you felt dissapointed... denied that you felt betrayed... denied that you felt unseen.. denied that you were physically abused... denied that you were emotionally abused.... denied that you felt spiritually abused....

you have pushed away feeling these aweful feelings.. and by doing that you hurt other people.. and you pretend you don't care.

the ironic capacity of the universe is... as you allow yourself to feel those emotions.. recognizing they DID happen to you.. you CAN feel... and you DO care.... you care about yourself.... enough to let yourself feel your entire experience of life.... and look at what that made you do..... you can FINALLY see the humanity in it all.

We are all the same thing.. we all feel the same way... FEELINGS are the ONE thing we have in common.. because feelings are energy... we cannot get rid of feelings.... just pretend we don't have them....

I know your life looks shitty now... but the reason you have stuffed your feelings down... the reason why you have denied yourself... is so you could come to this day... and finally see how much you are hurting YOURSELF by pushing your feelings away.... you are embarrassed that you have caused so much pain... but allowing yourself to feel the embarrassment.. you realize you don't have to be this way anymore...

By feeling regret.. and knowing that you didn't mean to do it.. you really just DIDN"T KNOW ANY BETTER... you didn't know that you were even capable of hurting someone that much... you denied yourself your own feelings.. and then forgot that other people actually don't push their emotions away.. they let them in.. and it hurts.... you can realize that you don't want to cause any more suffering in the world... you don't want to cause any more suffering in you...

causing yourself to suffer is inflicting suffering on the world....

love yourself and you can love the world... because I promise you think you are way worse than you are...

I see that.. I know that... I know that if you are lieing on a hospital bed.... if I don't know your past.... all I see is a beautiful human being in pain... and all I want to do is make you feel better... all I can do is love you.. and do whatever I can for you... I love you just because you exist and I get to share space with you...

you are not as bad as you imagine..... simply because you are worried that you are that bad... means that you have a moral compass...

when you are not alligned with your moral compass.. you behave in ways that hurt others... you hate that you hurt others... don't want to look at it... push the feeling away.. so you keep doing it... if you let yourself feel the dissapointment you have in yourself... then you will see that you don't want to feel that way again.... and so you change.

When you let your feelings in... you are forced to see the parts of you that aren't very nice.... you see.. and you want to change... and so you do.

The more you feel.. the more you forgive yourself.. the more you forgive the people around you.. the more you realize that you love.....the more you realize how deep love can go.

You will make it... you will figure it out... and its not because you are coniving.. its because you love.

People will help you and take care of you if you are a loving human being... people are drawn to nice people... people will want to help you out when you are falling... because you are good....

some people can see the good...

you will never be alone.... so stop trying to protect yourself from the pain of emotions. They are there to simply teach you... that you feel, that you want to love.... and that you need to love to no longer be scared of the pain.

All the events in your life that have caused you the emotions you don't want to feel was because you LOVED. you CARED... which means you are GOOD. don't punish yourself for someone hurting YOU.... love yourself enough to tell yourself you gave it your best shot...

you did what you could to show the other person love.. and they couldn't see it.. and its NOT YOUR FAULT....

we are all lost in a stage of not loving ourselves... not wanting to get hurt again makes us not feel... how can we know you love us when we will never let you in to try?

I have already decided that you are going to one day hurt me... so I am never going to know if you won't.... I won't stick around to find out. I don't know how you feel about me not wanting you around.. because I can't let myself feel how aweful that would make me feel... so I pretend that you are crazy.. because that would make it easier than to acknowledge that you actually love me... and what I have convinced myself is WRONG..

I have convinced myself my whole life that you don't love me.. that people who say they love me... don't actually love me.. because they leave.. they do horrible things.. and they hurt me... I don't believe you love me... because if you did.... how could you ever be so mean... what I didn't see was that youcan't let me show you because before I even existed you thought I would hurt you... you tried to let me in... but the second I threaten you in any way you want me to get as far away from you as humanly possible... you will say venemous things to me to keep me away too.

You will hurt me as much as you can to make sure that I never come back.. that I can never break your heart.... but I am still here.. I haven't left.. and you are still breaking my heart because you won't let me love you.. you won't trust me.

Please... let me be me. love me for me. I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. I will love you forever more... no matter what you do to me... just please don't make me have to prove it. It hurts to be tested... I will pass all your tests... but it hurts to be tested.

i hurt.. because you don't trust me... because you test my love.... because you don't think i ACTUALLY love you... you don't think I will ACTUALLY stick around... you don't think I will ACTUALLY not hurt you.. but I won't. I can't. It's not in my make up.

If I hurt you its from good intentions.. THAT I can promise.. I know how I think and I know how I act.. and if I am being mean.. its because I am calling you out on the way you make me feel.. I am telling you that you can hurt me... I know you don't want to believe it.. because you can't see that you have pushed away your emotions so much that you push me away and I feel like you don't care.. that you don't love me... but despite how aweful that feeling is... I know that I love you.. that's all I know... and I will never let go of that.

I love you for all your good parts... I just wish you would stop feeding the bad ones.

A

if you have nothing else to give... you still have LOVE

The most incredible feeling just came upon me.. the sheer elatedness of having a friend tell you the one thing you have been waiting years to maybe... just maybe hear....

I had no idea if my love had the ability to transform a person.... I have been loving my whole life.. and rarely have I had anyone love me as much as I do them...

I have a friend. Her name is J.... and honestly she was my biggest critic... but she was so much like me.. that for some reason deep down inside I thought that if she learned to love me.. she would leaern to love herself... so I just loved her... loved her through everything.. and how could I not? I could see myself in her.. I could see how much we hurt ourselves when we don't love ourselves....

I loves her through 2 divorces.. I call them divorces because she left me life on 2 occasions.... the first time for a year.... she just hated me that much... but in the end she came to realize that what I was doing and saying really was me just telling her what was going on... and trying to show her that i still love her.

She has opened up so much its incredible. She's not so scared any more to be herself.. and just embrace who she is... its so exciting to watch.. and as she learns to love herself.. I am learning that my love really can transform a person. transform the world.

Our relationship has been so difficult because she is so critical of me... of so much of what she is.... but she just couldn't see it... but I would tell her the kinds of things she would do.. and she hated me for it... but everytime she came to terms with something... she realized that EVEN though she was like that... I STILL LOVED HER... so it wasn't about changing so much.. but learning to love herself... and be softer with herself.... and figure out.. what she loved and what she didn't.

I love that girl with everything I have.. and this is our conversation today.

March 8, 2013 12:01 pm
J - People are fucked. Maybebeing enlightened is going to cause more problems than not.

J- You want to talk retarded people taking you the wrong way? People are complaining to char that I'm too involved in the drum circles and who do I think I am posting on Facebook about the jams

Me - lol

12:05

Me - lol. oh just laugh. Don't even fight it.

12:09pm

Me- they are retarded. Call me when you are home. And welcome to my life! Lol.... you'll get criticisms the rest of it. You are just confronting them on their shallowness.

J - It's fine

3:38 pm

Me - picture of Ghandi with the quote: First they ignore you, then they redicule you, then they fight you, then you win.

J- Awe thanks

Me- :) you home? Want to talk?

J - I'm leaving soon

Me- for what?

J- from work

Me - Lol. Its still early! Lol. I'm not used to these 6am mornings lol.

4:11pm

J - lol

4:37

Thanks for being supportive I'm over it

4:51

Me - :) I love you !!!!!!

J - thanks babe. I'm grateful for you

4:55

J - How odd that only through the pain I've inflicted on you I can see how hard it is for me to be loved. And the love I show others is not always what I think it is. I am sorry for that.


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????????

I picked up the phone right away and told her that was the greatest gift she could ever tell me.

I told her that that's what I was hoping this whole time.. that she would learn to let love in.. to love herself.. and let me love her... that its way easier to love someone that lets you :)

I told her that the feeling I was feeling was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt in my life... the gift of giving her herself.. is the most incredible thing.

I realize that my love is so deep.. so ever lasting.. and in the end.. if I am stripped from everything.. if I have nothing left to give I will always have my love to give.. to say thank you.

Love is the greatest offering of gratitude.

That I have just loved through everything. -- and through it I can make someone see what love is supposed to look like.

------

So the most interesting thing that came out of this experience was thinking about T.. I realize that I am right. He is the one... but if I can see it for what it really is.. I can see that unless he loves me as much as I love him.. he'll leave.. he will run... and so I have to get him to prove himself to me...

he has to know how much he really loves me..

I thought about a strategy.. and then I realized.. what worked was fallowing my heart... that when I am following my heart I will always stand up for myself and be willing to let go of something that isn't perfect.

That I will find my perfect match.. because I really won't accept any less... its just who I am..

So this is the best, most amazing feeling ever... I'm going out.. I just wanted to share :)

In the end... so long as I have my integrity and my love still in tact... I have something to gift.. in fact I have the best gift in the world.. what everyone craves but doesn't know how to accept.... LOVE.


A.