Being terrified to take responsibility

Here is the letter I just wrote T. While I was writing it I was sorting out feelings I have been having.. and then just at the end of the letter I felt like I couldn't send it... and the voice in my heart came through and I wrote at the end of the letter what it said.

*****

You are the man I fear most. How interesting. Every time I go anywhere downtown I am always terrified to see you. I have tried to figure out how I am going to act.. whether I am going to pretend I don't know you, or pretend that I am mad, or pretend that I am happy...introduce myself, or ignore you, and sometimes I think if I see you I will just leave.... but that's retarded... that these thoughts about the uncomfortability that awaits our meeting up circle through my head constantly.. and have all year.

I have sat with crazy sexist diplomats from Iraq and told them that they were rediculous for not valuing their daughters.. and you scare me more than that.

To realize how open and honest I have been with you over the past 8 months. To have essentially had a conversation with myself for 8 months... hoping I was assuming right about what you needed to hear, what I needed to say, what you were feeling.. trying to sort out my own feelings... with no feedback, no validation that I have been right... no recognition about whether my letters have helped you in any way...

I have days where I tell myself that I am and have been an idiot and I have asked myself why I have tortured myself over this whole thing when it could have ended 8 months ago.. but then I remind myself that every letter to you was a breakthrough in being vulnerable... every time I felt scared and uncomfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with you and did it anyways I conquered a part of me that thought I was unlovable because I think the way I do, or I behave the way I do.

This last letter was the worst... and now the anxiety around seeing you is the worst its ever been.

I don't know what posessed me to write that last letter... except my heart told me that being honest about those feelings I have been avoiding... and that it was important that I figure out what I was feeling... it truly has been in writing these letters that has given me the clarity I have needed to move forward...

I know being vulnerable with you has shown me that I want to be completely authentic with a partner.. but man it scares the fucking shit out of me.

Now you are a stranger who knows the deepest parts of me... as though I gave you my diary to read...

I know we are going to run into eachother at one point... if I act weird its just cause I have said so much in 8 months... I feel rejected and vulnerable and still love you.... which is a confusing place for strangers.

I hope that we can both find the maturity to accept what we both have done... that I have been relentless in not letting go.. and being vulnerable.. and subsequently have made you feel incredibly uncomfortable and confused... and you have kept me completely in the dark on how any of this has landed and what has been going on for you... which makes me feel uncomfortable and confused..... but the truth is we have met. we DO know eachother intimately.

It would be really nice if we could just be like old friends meeting.... friends with love and history... I guess ultimately just because it never worked out between us. I don't want there to be any resentment... which I suppose its me that's struggling with.

I guess maybe I know this had to happen this way.. but I resent the fact that you won't talk to me. and I resent the fact that you have never made me feel better about the choices I made.

A. - you cannot control this situation. T. is going to feel however he is going to feel... and you are going to feel how you are going to feel and you can't orchestrate it. You just said that you wished he would make you feel better about your choices..it is NOT his responsibility to make you feel better. You made the choice.. you accepted the consequences. You cannot put that on him.

When you see him.. behave the way you behave with everyone.. smile and say hi. It'll be ok.

******

good letter. Just reread it. Don'tknow if I should send it. Feel torn. I think maybe just let it go... and allow anything to happen and not try to plan it. or figure it out. stop managing yourself. its ok to be nervous.. its ok to be hurt.. its ok to be thankful and uncomfortable and confused. LOVE. its every emotion all wrapped up into one. accepting every emotion is full self acceptance. let it happen.
--

Do not follow the path that others lead, but rather go where there is no path, and leave a trail.

Two roads diverged in a wood... and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

Deep gratitude

I have this deep sense of calm right now. A deep formidable gratitude for all that is...
This winter... this past 8 months... this past year has been by far the most difficult I have ever faced. Yes, I have faced many obstacles in my life, but never the pressure cooker that I have found myself in over the past year.

This year has been trully a dive into myself, into the deepest parts of me, with only my determination to come out on the otherside a better person.

I have come to see that life is a process... one of countless cause and effect. I have, like all people I know been self critical throughout the years... basing my interpretation of myself on the opinions of others. I can see that most of the people that I have needed to seek approval from are those I have most sought after for guidance and for support.

This past year has shown me the depth of independence I contain, and that I am a different person than I once thought.

I believe now that we do not have the capabilities of really understanding ourselves, or the world we live in until we can be present with ourselves and spend time investigating who we are and what we want in life.

It has been, and continues to be, an interesting process of self evaluation and unlearning. I can see that the freedom I have obtained has been through believing in myself above all others. In recognizing the inner voice whose sole role is to guide me to who I am supposed to be.

I can see that much of my behaviour over the years, although judged by me and judged by others was infact exactly what my path was supposed to be and has afforded me the opportunity to understand myself in ways that had I not behaved in such a way.. I would still be confused about who I really am and what I want.

This entire experience with T. has been incredibly challenging, but I am in deep gratitude for what I have learned about myself in the process, and my experience with him has exposed the importance of the process. Of believing in my heart enough to stretch myown capacities, way beyond my comfort zone, thus leading to a deep understanding of myself.

I honestly do not believe I will ever feel the same way about another man, because he has been on the other side of this journey... that he knows the very depths of me now... more than any other man... and I have to let go of being able to explain this journey to anyone else.

I have no idea how he feels... but inside I feel that he feels it too. I have made a pact with myself to allow the process in letting go, allowing myself to live the life I have before me and accept that the time has yet to come where we can share our physical space.

I have no idea if we will eventually become lovers... or friends... but I know that we have shared something deeply profound and at one point in our lives we will be at a point where we can talk about it.

To be witness to my own development, to my healing... I can see that I cannot rush him.. that he must come to the same place of forgiveness and gratitude, and only then will we trully be able to be authentic with eachother.

Life is a process. We cannot rush our growth, and although we judge our lives and the events of our lives, it is through these experiences that we get to know ourselves.

I have come to a place where I know that my life is divinely executed.

I would have never written my story the way it has happened, but I am so very grateful for not having had the opportunity.

I could never have even imagined that I would ever feel this free, this relaxed about my life, the events of my life and myself.

I was trying to remember this evening what it used to feel  like inside me and what I feel like now. Although its difficult to return to that place I feel it was a sense of desperation, of not understanding... of wanting to believe it all happened as it should, but feeling as though I was unloved and unappreciated.

It has only been through surviving, getting to know myself and isolating myself to learn what I really want and believe in, that I have come to see that it was always my interpretation, my misunderstanding of love, that I couldn't grasp.

Love permeates everything. It lays dormant under the snow... and it is spring, the melting of the cold exterior that we are able to see the beauty.

I can see now that I have always been acutely aware that love exists.... and as a result the actions of the ones I love, when it is not in allignment with love, have not only confused me, but challenged my own interpretation of love...as though perhaps I am wrong.

What I see now is that my love trully is unconditional and unjudgmental... that I have been right all along, and persevering through other people's crap has finally afforded me the opportunity to be present to a shift in how others relate to me.

It has been my perseverance and my determination to walk in the space of love that has afforded me this chance... and how grateful I am for the opportunity.

For the first time in my life I am not seeking a partner to complete me. I enjoy the company of men, but their attention, their desire to be part of my life no longer dictates how I feel about myself.

The space in my heart that felt as though no one would ever love me no longer exists... because I finally love myself.

There are still areas of my life that I need to work on, but it is the love I have of myself, finally, that has me inspired to fulfill the dreams I have around my body, my mind and my spirit.

For the first time in my life I can see my outer person, reflecting the vibrant, confident woman I have become.

I do hope that one day I will have a man that wants to share my experience of llife with me... but I am ok if that doesn't happen... spreading my love throughout my circle of friends sounds just as wonderful, and my acceptance of my sexuality allows me the confidence to know, I will always find a man to love.. even if only for a night.

*****
I am so thank ful for the spring. I can feel the excitement in my heart about what this next season will offer me. The growth and the love.

Winters like the one we just had really allow for the little things to be gifts. The sound of frogs chirping, the feeling of a wind that doesn't chill me to my bones, the sounds of birds and the length of the days. It is the simplest things found in nature that I am most greateful for.. and I feel that it is trully to her that I am responsible to. She is the only being that can handle me... I was created from her... and thus must be loved by her as well. In deep gratitude for life. and for learning how to enjoy patience.. how to enjoy process.. how to enjoy life.

Namaste.

ALLOW...be sexual. be loving. be you.

It's so weird....

I feel this clarity right now around men... around the ones I love... I don't know if I am right but it seems like it fits.

women are taught to be sensitive and subordinate... Men are taught to look strong no matter how they feel... So you have strong women who haven't figured out their emotions yet and so show them and men who never deal with their emotions and appear like they do.

I realized this week that in order for men to become whole they have to allow their emotions... and women need to embrace their sexuality.

I realized that I love one night stands because the sex isn't caught up in any emotion.. its just raw, free and fun... that the second their are feelings around losing the person self consciouness settles in which is totally equated in the bedroom.

I remember times where I was scared that a guy would think less of me if I slpt with him in the first date. In fact the two men that I waited for were the two men I ended up dating.

If only guys didn't judge women for wanting sex as much as they do.

Its like guys go for the "housewife" who is innocent and "perfect" when what they really want is the girl who would fuck them in a bathroom for fun... imagine that was your wife!

Its just weird its like we have it all fucked up in our heads... we set ourselves up for failure....

I can see that I was a different person in the bedroom in both of my relationships... and I can see as soon as I didn't care what C. thought and we started sleeping together for the next 4 years its was SOOOOOO much fun. We would watch movies, have sex a bunch of times and then say good bye and go on with our lives. But after we would both feel guilty.. I know I convinced myself that I was a slut or some version of hating myself for not allowing him to use me... and he, I'm sure, convinced himself that he was just using me and hurting me.... and then we'd do it again.... without ACTUALLY realizing that it conforted us, it made us happy .. and yes when we said god bye it sucked.. but we wouldn't change what happened.

Its like we convince ourselves of weird excuses in order to justify the behaviour that we naturally do with what we think is "right". It's stupid.

I have also realized that the people who hurt you the most REALLY are the ones that LOVE you the most. they have n conceivable idea of what real love ACTUALLY looks like... their templateis all fucked.... so you are the only thing that can right the template.

I saw it last week with my family. As though nothing had ever happened.... they were so loving and kind, and generous... they gave me eggs and a couple chickens they raised. It was so kind.. and I could tell it was making up for the past... in what ever small way they could.

That I have been showing them what real love is.

I have realized that I have played this game of life rather stealthily without even realizing it. When I am hurt I appologize or avoid... I never retaliate and I never hurt back in any way... I want to fix the problem. Fixing it is better than hurting the other person.

So with my family everytime they hurt me I just stop calling... thinking well if they want me in their life... they will call... I take it personally and think that they don't love me.. and then convince myself that they do and try again. Unbenonced to me I really was right. They do love me...... they are just scared of themselves... they are just scared of LIFE!

I am a complete juxtaposition for everyone... I have lived a beautiful life inside very little means... I have stayed true to my heart and I am sexual... I have been poor and travelled the world... I have made life work for me.... and I am still happy.... I am everything people want to be.... but to be that they would have to face their fears... so its WAAAAY better to just keep me away and keep the posibilities at a distance.

Everyone convinces themselves that they have to grow up... in fact adults even make you feel bad for not being more responsible.. when you are having the time of your life..

The world convinced me that who I was was somehow irresponsible... and yet my life is the result of being completely responsible to my heart...and look how I turned out!

Not a soul in the world is my enemy. In fact I would hazzard that no one could say a bad thing about me. ... yes I talk too much, and I talk about men too much, I get sad a lot and can be annoying.... but i doubt that there is a person who could say I was ever mean to them.

So then maybe being sexual is the best thing that ever happened to me?

Maybe wanting to embody the sexuality of men is what kept me sane?

I realized that in my weakest moments I sought out the one thing in the universe designed SPECIFICALLY for pleasure... that all these years I thought that there was something wrong with me that I did that... and now I am seeing that it kept me sane. It allowed me to stay open to people.. it allowed me to realize that humans are all great... it allowed me the opportunity to see men, alot of men, from the other side.... I got to see their insecurities right away.

Most of the men I have slept with have told me secrets they never have told anyone.... it was a privelede to share their bed. And yes, sometimes I was sad to see them go... and sometimes, when I was really hating on myself I would resent them or reduce them to no big deal.....

but right now, looking back... wach one of them changed me in some way. Each one of them showed me how broken and scared they were... and how much they just wanted to be loved.

Its amazing how we all keep love at bay.... criticizing ourselves for just being ourselves... using a template we were taught as kids to measure our worth, our morality, our desires.... supressing ourselves and blaming others.... when all we have to do is be free. Allow ourselves to be ok with who we are...

look back on our lives and really believe we did the best things for ourselves with what we know... recognize that we were WRONG. .. and I believe changing behaviour.. to be honest is becoming more like me.

ALLOW life. Be sexual. Be loving. Be you.

Allowing

I have been feeling in the very depths of me for quite sometime that what I am not good at is allowing. I would have, a week ago, said receptivity... but I came across this youtube video that explained it all to me in a way that I could finally digest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKtSVSedii0&list=WLC7B27B4B9B8210DB

It's good to feel good.

listen to it.

Through the various things in my life over the past month I have come to peace with so many things. And I can finally see that if you take away all the faces of the people I have known... there are 6 billion people and THESE are the ones I got... so they were/ are there to teach me the lessons I needed to get to get to here.... so really they are just living their own lives... and here I am bumping into them.. wishing that they would change... wishing that they would be different... but they can't help where they are at on their own journey.. and that I have to stop being mad at people for not being the people I wish they were... and stop being myself for being mad at myself for loving them regardless of their behaviour.

and that ladies and gentlemen is the key to existance.... taking back your power....

I realized that I use men to fulfill a space in me.. and it doesn't matter if they enjoy it.. I use them to feel good.. and its ok, there is nothing wrong with it....so long as I can recognize that I do that... and therefore be responsible for when it is an even exchange of goodness.

I gave my happiness to T., to allthe men in my life and said "if y ou don't change I will be sad for my whole life." How daunting a declaration like that is... to see that's what I have done my whole life... declaring that I will only be happy if people treat me the way I deserve.. instead of saying "i'm going to treat myself with love.... and be happy.. no matter what you do!"

I will always love T. and I will always love every man I have ever shared a bed with... just because they shared my space and I am in gratitude for that.... that I can love... but that my life's happiness, and my dreams are no longer tied up in anyone else' life.

In the past few weeks I have also started to really come to terms with my sexuality.

To be honest its the scariest things for me to look at... to be honest about... I don't really talk about what goes on in the bedroom with anyone.... I used to type it here to keep me honest... but I, as I got older stopped, deleted posts.. and got scared of the world finding out who I really am...

but over the past three weeks I have been talking to this guy I know and we have been sharing all our sexual fantasies.. and I can't even tell you what has been coming up for me. 

I orgasm every time just talking to this guy....

****

I met a woman at the farmers market a few weeks ago that asked me if I was a taurus.I said "no, another strong sign" and she said.. well there are alot, "scorpio..."

ya that's me.

"oh you know that scorpio is the most sexual sign?"

"yes, I know."

"and she is ruled by her orgasm"

"ya, I get that... and yet that's where I have to most trouble... letting myself orgasm."

"well when you learn to harness your orgasm.. you will truly have come into yourself."
******

an interesting conversation with a stranger...she told me I should bring my chart to her the following week so she could read it... I'm waiting on the results.

Since that conversation I have been thinking about it... how difficult it is for me to orgasm... how difficult it is for me to be honest with anyone about my seex life... even myself... as though I hide myself from myself and how much I enjoy what I have done....

and how having multiple partners has taught me how to be an amazing lover...

I think that one of our biggest problems as a society is our uncomfortability around sex. People are miserable in their relationships and don't leave because they feel like they are bad people... yet they are miserable... again saying that their happiness is completely reliant on that one person as opposed to saying... I'm going to go find someone who makes me happier.

This weekend I finally realized what I want. I want it all.

I want a man who loves and adores me, but wants to have crazy passionate sex.... who would pretend with me at a bar that we don't know eachother so that I can pick him up...who wants me so badly cant wait til we get home so wants to fuck me in the bathroom.

I want to have a threesome and not feel uncomfortable... I want to be fucked and not feel used. I want to be dominated and then cuddled after and told that I'm loved.... I want us to fulfill all our fantasies without any judgment... and know that we love eachother to always make the other person feel safe and secure and cared about while fulfilling those fantasies.

The nice thing about one night stands is you lose all inhibition.. most of the time I was drunk... and it was exciting.... its fun to rip someone's clothes off, just cause you can.... and explore someone new's body.... and not give a shit about what they think.. what they are going to think...

and I want that in a relationship.... the catch? I want a best friend who wants to have crazy passionate sex with me... while not having any of our life decisions revolve around eachother....

and that is probably the hardest thing in the world to do... completely detached love.

I honestly don't even know if I could handle it... because I am so used to thinking that my partner would only sleep with me... and we would live close... but if there is one thing I know its that my life takes me to so many places.. and if I am to live the life I was born to live... I can't just stop following my heart because its inconvenient for a relationship.. but then I don't think I should be without partnership just because I may leave.... I just want a relationship that is completely free and authentic and both me and him know that we are safe with eachother.... and recognize that we love eachother... even if that doesn't mean spending our entire llives together.

this realization about how I want a dirty sex life along with love has me being so clear about what I want.... and I am feeling deeply available to the universe to give me what ever it thinks I need to get there.

Right now I am feeling no need to chase or get a man... because if he fits those parameters he's going to want me the second he meets me... and hes going to be enlightened enough to want the same thing as me.. and anything less is just bullshit.

And I can orgasm when I want now. :) the trick... let yourself make sound!!!!!!!!!!

to my friends and family, to the people

I have come to know myself on a very deep level this year.

My capacity for forgiveness, love and appreciation has been tested in so many ways. I believe that without my capacities, I would surely hve become bitter and resented the world this year had I not been through everything else in my life that have taught me how to think and analyze things in order to make sense of them.. instead of just being upset with the circumstances.

My love has been tested... who I am has been tested.. and as a result I have come to accept who I am... and understand that there are things that I am working on.. and there are parts of me that I still feel need work on...but that they can wait... baby steps. too much.. too soon will make anyone feel inadequate... and I am only human.

The most amazing realization this year.. this moment.. is my capacity to love. Love really is never ending. When it comes from truth... when it comes from compassion it NEVER ends. I thought for sure by now someone would have done something to me that was unforgiveable... but really? trully? I know you don't see what I see.. I know you are hurting and your behaviour only results from your trying to protect your heart from the hurt...that your behavious has nothing to do with me... or my ability to love.

I simply am love. I love unconditionally.... I will never stop loving you.

I my dissapear out of your life... you may convince yourself that I am not there... but know.. I will always be here.. if ever you just need someone to say I love you.

Just remember. I do. I am the whispers in the night that tell you you are perfect. I am the person who has seen your life.... your inner nightmares. I know that you hate yourself... because life didn't live up to your expectations... the people didn't turn out the way you expected... money, your job, your house, you family don't meet your expectations... I know that you are hiding in there afraid of the world....

But I will tell you.. that you are all loved. I do not need anything in return... just that you let me love you.... believe in me.. believe that I actually have the capacity to forgive everything. I am simply love.

Love is not based on whether you have comitted an atrocious act or whether you have always done what you were told...

sometimes they are the sae thing.... you are always thinking about what you "should" do... based on all the things you have been told your whole lives. the way you think you "should" behave.... you function from should... how  should I talk to this person to protect myself? how "should" I treat this person if I were to behave? I "should" I act if I want to get the promotion? how "should" I act if I want to get the money? How "should" I act if I want to get the girl/boy man/woman? How "should" I act if I want to live a long life? How "should" I behave if I want to protect my family? How "should" I act if I feel guilty? How "should" I act if I am angry? How "should" I act if I am sad? How "should" I act if I am scared?

How do I make this pain go away? How do I stop feeling?

Wanting to stop feeling an emotion.. is stopping life from existing... the more you push away your emotions.. the more you hurt the people around you because you have distanced yourself from them.. you have made it so no one can hurt you... so you cut yourself off from them... you cannot see the good, you cannot see the bad... all you see is that you won't let them in... because they could... maybe/someday.. one day hurt you... better to not love them then to get hurt!

But what if you did love them.. even though you got hurt?

What if you could see that they are hurting too.. they have pushed themselves away from people too.. and so they are hurting others.

The degree to which you hurt people is the degree to which you have pushed your feelings away... denied that you were hurt... denied that you were scared... denied that you felt unloved... denied that you felt lost... denied that you were devestated... denied that you felt unappreciated.. denied that you felt cared for... denied that you felt abandoned.... denied that you felt dissapointed... denied that you felt betrayed... denied that you felt unseen.. denied that you were physically abused... denied that you were emotionally abused.... denied that you felt spiritually abused....

you have pushed away feeling these aweful feelings.. and by doing that you hurt other people.. and you pretend you don't care.

the ironic capacity of the universe is... as you allow yourself to feel those emotions.. recognizing they DID happen to you.. you CAN feel... and you DO care.... you care about yourself.... enough to let yourself feel your entire experience of life.... and look at what that made you do..... you can FINALLY see the humanity in it all.

We are all the same thing.. we all feel the same way... FEELINGS are the ONE thing we have in common.. because feelings are energy... we cannot get rid of feelings.... just pretend we don't have them....

I know your life looks shitty now... but the reason you have stuffed your feelings down... the reason why you have denied yourself... is so you could come to this day... and finally see how much you are hurting YOURSELF by pushing your feelings away.... you are embarrassed that you have caused so much pain... but allowing yourself to feel the embarrassment.. you realize you don't have to be this way anymore...

By feeling regret.. and knowing that you didn't mean to do it.. you really just DIDN"T KNOW ANY BETTER... you didn't know that you were even capable of hurting someone that much... you denied yourself your own feelings.. and then forgot that other people actually don't push their emotions away.. they let them in.. and it hurts.... you can realize that you don't want to cause any more suffering in the world... you don't want to cause any more suffering in you...

causing yourself to suffer is inflicting suffering on the world....

love yourself and you can love the world... because I promise you think you are way worse than you are...

I see that.. I know that... I know that if you are lieing on a hospital bed.... if I don't know your past.... all I see is a beautiful human being in pain... and all I want to do is make you feel better... all I can do is love you.. and do whatever I can for you... I love you just because you exist and I get to share space with you...

you are not as bad as you imagine..... simply because you are worried that you are that bad... means that you have a moral compass...

when you are not alligned with your moral compass.. you behave in ways that hurt others... you hate that you hurt others... don't want to look at it... push the feeling away.. so you keep doing it... if you let yourself feel the dissapointment you have in yourself... then you will see that you don't want to feel that way again.... and so you change.

When you let your feelings in... you are forced to see the parts of you that aren't very nice.... you see.. and you want to change... and so you do.

The more you feel.. the more you forgive yourself.. the more you forgive the people around you.. the more you realize that you love.....the more you realize how deep love can go.

You will make it... you will figure it out... and its not because you are coniving.. its because you love.

People will help you and take care of you if you are a loving human being... people are drawn to nice people... people will want to help you out when you are falling... because you are good....

some people can see the good...

you will never be alone.... so stop trying to protect yourself from the pain of emotions. They are there to simply teach you... that you feel, that you want to love.... and that you need to love to no longer be scared of the pain.

All the events in your life that have caused you the emotions you don't want to feel was because you LOVED. you CARED... which means you are GOOD. don't punish yourself for someone hurting YOU.... love yourself enough to tell yourself you gave it your best shot...

you did what you could to show the other person love.. and they couldn't see it.. and its NOT YOUR FAULT....

we are all lost in a stage of not loving ourselves... not wanting to get hurt again makes us not feel... how can we know you love us when we will never let you in to try?

I have already decided that you are going to one day hurt me... so I am never going to know if you won't.... I won't stick around to find out. I don't know how you feel about me not wanting you around.. because I can't let myself feel how aweful that would make me feel... so I pretend that you are crazy.. because that would make it easier than to acknowledge that you actually love me... and what I have convinced myself is WRONG..

I have convinced myself my whole life that you don't love me.. that people who say they love me... don't actually love me.. because they leave.. they do horrible things.. and they hurt me... I don't believe you love me... because if you did.... how could you ever be so mean... what I didn't see was that youcan't let me show you because before I even existed you thought I would hurt you... you tried to let me in... but the second I threaten you in any way you want me to get as far away from you as humanly possible... you will say venemous things to me to keep me away too.

You will hurt me as much as you can to make sure that I never come back.. that I can never break your heart.... but I am still here.. I haven't left.. and you are still breaking my heart because you won't let me love you.. you won't trust me.

Please... let me be me. love me for me. I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. I will love you forever more... no matter what you do to me... just please don't make me have to prove it. It hurts to be tested... I will pass all your tests... but it hurts to be tested.

i hurt.. because you don't trust me... because you test my love.... because you don't think i ACTUALLY love you... you don't think I will ACTUALLY stick around... you don't think I will ACTUALLY not hurt you.. but I won't. I can't. It's not in my make up.

If I hurt you its from good intentions.. THAT I can promise.. I know how I think and I know how I act.. and if I am being mean.. its because I am calling you out on the way you make me feel.. I am telling you that you can hurt me... I know you don't want to believe it.. because you can't see that you have pushed away your emotions so much that you push me away and I feel like you don't care.. that you don't love me... but despite how aweful that feeling is... I know that I love you.. that's all I know... and I will never let go of that.

I love you for all your good parts... I just wish you would stop feeding the bad ones.

A

if you have nothing else to give... you still have LOVE

The most incredible feeling just came upon me.. the sheer elatedness of having a friend tell you the one thing you have been waiting years to maybe... just maybe hear....

I had no idea if my love had the ability to transform a person.... I have been loving my whole life.. and rarely have I had anyone love me as much as I do them...

I have a friend. Her name is J.... and honestly she was my biggest critic... but she was so much like me.. that for some reason deep down inside I thought that if she learned to love me.. she would leaern to love herself... so I just loved her... loved her through everything.. and how could I not? I could see myself in her.. I could see how much we hurt ourselves when we don't love ourselves....

I loves her through 2 divorces.. I call them divorces because she left me life on 2 occasions.... the first time for a year.... she just hated me that much... but in the end she came to realize that what I was doing and saying really was me just telling her what was going on... and trying to show her that i still love her.

She has opened up so much its incredible. She's not so scared any more to be herself.. and just embrace who she is... its so exciting to watch.. and as she learns to love herself.. I am learning that my love really can transform a person. transform the world.

Our relationship has been so difficult because she is so critical of me... of so much of what she is.... but she just couldn't see it... but I would tell her the kinds of things she would do.. and she hated me for it... but everytime she came to terms with something... she realized that EVEN though she was like that... I STILL LOVED HER... so it wasn't about changing so much.. but learning to love herself... and be softer with herself.... and figure out.. what she loved and what she didn't.

I love that girl with everything I have.. and this is our conversation today.

March 8, 2013 12:01 pm
J - People are fucked. Maybebeing enlightened is going to cause more problems than not.

J- You want to talk retarded people taking you the wrong way? People are complaining to char that I'm too involved in the drum circles and who do I think I am posting on Facebook about the jams

Me - lol

12:05

Me - lol. oh just laugh. Don't even fight it.

12:09pm

Me- they are retarded. Call me when you are home. And welcome to my life! Lol.... you'll get criticisms the rest of it. You are just confronting them on their shallowness.

J - It's fine

3:38 pm

Me - picture of Ghandi with the quote: First they ignore you, then they redicule you, then they fight you, then you win.

J- Awe thanks

Me- :) you home? Want to talk?

J - I'm leaving soon

Me- for what?

J- from work

Me - Lol. Its still early! Lol. I'm not used to these 6am mornings lol.

4:11pm

J - lol

4:37

Thanks for being supportive I'm over it

4:51

Me - :) I love you !!!!!!

J - thanks babe. I'm grateful for you

4:55

J - How odd that only through the pain I've inflicted on you I can see how hard it is for me to be loved. And the love I show others is not always what I think it is. I am sorry for that.


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????????

I picked up the phone right away and told her that was the greatest gift she could ever tell me.

I told her that that's what I was hoping this whole time.. that she would learn to let love in.. to love herself.. and let me love her... that its way easier to love someone that lets you :)

I told her that the feeling I was feeling was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt in my life... the gift of giving her herself.. is the most incredible thing.

I realize that my love is so deep.. so ever lasting.. and in the end.. if I am stripped from everything.. if I have nothing left to give I will always have my love to give.. to say thank you.

Love is the greatest offering of gratitude.

That I have just loved through everything. -- and through it I can make someone see what love is supposed to look like.

------

So the most interesting thing that came out of this experience was thinking about T.. I realize that I am right. He is the one... but if I can see it for what it really is.. I can see that unless he loves me as much as I love him.. he'll leave.. he will run... and so I have to get him to prove himself to me...

he has to know how much he really loves me..

I thought about a strategy.. and then I realized.. what worked was fallowing my heart... that when I am following my heart I will always stand up for myself and be willing to let go of something that isn't perfect.

That I will find my perfect match.. because I really won't accept any less... its just who I am..

So this is the best, most amazing feeling ever... I'm going out.. I just wanted to share :)

In the end... so long as I have my integrity and my love still in tact... I have something to gift.. in fact I have the best gift in the world.. what everyone craves but doesn't know how to accept.... LOVE.


A.

Why sickness happens.

So, today was another good day...

I am realizing that my mom did a great job at teaching me to not avoid my emotions.. but I suppose she didn't have the knowledge to teach me what to do with those emotions.. why they were happening.. how to use them as tools...

it is only now, through all that I have gone through that I am starting to really understand how emotions are simply tools to teach us and help us along our journey.. and that it is not in avoiding them... but it is also not in getting stuck in them that fixes the situation.

I met a wonderful woman today that for some reason... her energy allowed me to make succinct my thoughts on how illness is manifested... and because it is so readily in my head, before I go to sleep I feel like I should share.


So here is what I think happens to us all.

When we are little we go through trauma... no one knows how to deal with trauma that no one walks us through it... gives us support and comfort... everyone is so scared to do the wrong thing.. or bring up painful conversation that the trauma is avoided...

worse it comes from your parents who tell you basically that your feelings are not valid, that you must obey their rules... it could be as simple as not being able to cry as a kid, to as severe as sexual or physical assault.. no matter what the trauma our poor little selves can't handle it... so we go numb.

It is a defense that our bodies go into a state of shock... its a coping mechanism... and so the pattern continues.. it continues your whole life until something shifts inside.

Eventually the outcome is to come to terms with yourself, your life, your pain and recognize that you have the tools to deal with past trauma... but its way more difficult to get there.... figuring out that your brain actually lies to you... is a whole experience in itself that I won't get into here...

so we shut off.. shut down... and cut ourselves off from our emotions.

emotions are physical... they do not reside in the brain, although reactions happen there... emotions happen in the physical environment, it is how our bodies respond to the outside world...

so we will look at stress... stress, in its most primitive form is the body's signal that something is wrong... and on its very basic level its the fight or flight.. its the innate reaction that a cheetah is chasing us and we must save our lives....

in this day and age stress can come from so many different areas.. but really its the fear of dying. Heart rate goes up, digestion goes down, breathing gets rapid and shallow.... blood pressure goes up... etc.... imagine your body being in a state of "running for your life" for years... imagine what that would do?

So why are we in a state of stress?

when we detach ourselves from the physical experience of emotion we put all the energy in our heads... we try and think away everything... the more this disconnection is supported the more disconnected we get from our bodies...

the problem is that because we haven't learned how to cope with previous trauma... everytime something new comes up... it triggers the old trauma... it triggers the emotions that are trapped in our body.

this may sound rediculous.... but just think of the pressure that exists in your chest.... in your throat... how something so small can trigger an intense reaction... why? because our muscles, our organs.. our body stores the emotions.... why are your shoulders tight? or your stomach bloated?

anxiety.. I believe is then the fear of dealing with those emotions.. and still we are not taught how to deal with it..

Sadly in this day and age we are so scared of our emotions we medicate ourselves.. we push ourselves even further away from our body.. as though we are not our own bodies... as though they belong to someone else.

In my life I have used smoking, drugs, sex, talking, alcohol, the internet... I have used everything I could try to distract myself from my body... to distract myself from what was really going on...

I have realized that smoking has been used.. (not always cause sometimes itsjust habit) to distract myself from the physical experience.... cause lets be honest, grief, sorrow, anger, frustration, unworthiness.. these are not just in our head... these are painful experiences... PHYSICALLY painful experiences...

if we push them away.. the sad thing is that they eventually have to be dealt with.. and to be honest.. I believe that death is more painful for those that are the most disconnected with their bodies...

the more we embrace the experience of our bodies.. of our selves.. of our life.. the more in tune we become to the wisdom that exists inside.. and the less we fear death... because ultimately.. when you become so intune.. you can feel your own spirit.. and ultimately realize that you are something way more than your body... you are spirit having a human experience...

it is through our pain that we are made great.... it is through our suffering that we are able to come to the center of our bodies, our beings, our souls... and find love, peace and compassion.

So what to do?

well for me its been a long and arduous process... one that has been physically, mentally, emotionally painful and exhausting.. it has been correlated with a lot of delving psychologically into myself.. and identifying areas that I still need to work on.. which essentially is this blog...

but if we are to stay on this subject... ultimately allowing yourself to feel the experience of the emotion, counter intuitively actually allows the emotion to disspate. It is in our refusal of feeling that depression and illness settle in... it is our bodies DEMANDING that we look inside... begging us to pay attention.. and the more we push away.. the more the pain is exacerbated.

I have had an anxiety disorder for a very long time... I would say I worry a lot... I have been aware of the severity of my worry for probably 5 years now... but I didn't realize I had an anxiety disoorder until this past summer.

I was reading a text book for nursing school... and when I read the part on anxiety I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that it wasn't normal... I thought everyone worried as much as I did. apparently not so.

but it made sense.. I have essentially been on high alert since I was born. Born to a single mother on welfare.. money has always been an issue.. and thus security. After my mother died... security became the most important aspect of my life.. and I have worried about it 24 hours/ 7 days a week. It is paralyzing... and I have obviously sought other ways to distract me.

The sex? I believe that sex for me has been used as a distraction.. but also, when you are as numb as I have been to the pain of losing my mother and not feeling supported.. or "normal".. sex has been my comfort.. it is the time in my life where I feel close to another human being...

I think this is the craving for rough sex. I believe that the times in my life where I allowed my ex boyfriend to treat me poorly... i.e. rough sex.. it was because it was a manifestation of how I felt on the inside... its wanting to feel ANYTHING... even pain.

we cut ourselves off so much from our physical experience of life.. we don't know we are doing it.. and then we want to feel something.. anything.. so we resort to physical pain....

its the emotions that hurt... and its only in allowing the emotions in... allowing ourselves to accept our lives.. and who we have become that give us the freedom to move forward.

So what happens?

for me what is happening is the more I allow myself to get intouch with myself.. feel.. the more I open up.. the less stressed I am.. the more I can take on.. the more objective I become.

Last week I even caught myself smoking, talking, watching tv, eating... and I noticed and asked myself "you are distracting yourself.. from what?" I sat with the emotion.. and it was fear..fear of what?

there are 4 things in my life that plague me

my weight
my smoking
men
money

4 things that I have such a difficult time looking at and dealing with. They all seem so daunting.

I have realized that I equate my own self worth to these things.. and that because I associate who I am to these things I am left powerless... the more I allow myself the time to sit with how they make me feel.. the more I talk myself into believing that my worth is not caught up in these things.. the more objective I become.

and ultimately I think my quitting smoking will just come.
....

As nurses we ask all the time.. "why can't this person quit smoking?" "why can't this person excercise?" "why can't this person eat properly?"

it is because there is so much underneath these ways of being.. they are covering up the depression.. they are covering up how people really feel underneath their illness.

people are in pain.. emotional pain.. and we pretend like their physical bodies just happened to get sick.. for no reason.

Now I know there are some genetic diseases.. I know that you can catch illness.. bacteria, virus, fungi...

but the majority of illness is preventable.. so why does it happen?

I believe it happens because we are detached from ourselves.

In the medical profession fibromyalgia is a psychological disease. It typically present in a certain "kind" of person.... they are typically described as dramatic, as needy.... and I have heard many times in my life.. if its psychological why can't they just get over it.

Its psychological.. manifested in the body.. just like everything else.

and wouldn't it make sense that if these people are so desperately wanting love... if they have cut themselves completely off from their body.... feelings of no one loving them... then their bodies are screaming for them to pay attention.

I believe that we are ultimately looking for ourselves.

the emptiness we feel... is that we aren't honouring our own hearts.

Depression, anxiety, stress, sadness... these emotions are there to tell us that SOMETHING IS WRONG. We are unhappy... they are tools to say something has to change in my life... but we have so many rules around our lives.. so many expectations for ourselves.. that we don't allow ourselves, our partners, our family members to go off and explore life... find out what makes them happy.

Honestly.. I know.. its difficult to change the circumstances in which you live... but at the very least, start drawing, start singing, start playing an instrument, or painting... find 1 thing that helps you be creative.. and start FEELING...

Ultimately what I believe happens.. is the more we feel, the more we accept our lives, our experiences.. the more courageous we realize we are.... the more accepting we become of ourselves.

Honestly? we all fuck up.... its just realizing that its ok to fuck up... its just whether you can not do it again... so you can't just say you won't do it again.. you have to figure out what caused the reaction in the first place. I bet.. a million dollars.. any poor decision that went against your moral judgment.. that you.. to this day.. regret... comes from a disconnected place.. a place where you heard the part of you that said "don't do it", and then you did it anyways....

I believe people can do this because they are so detached from their bodies.. so detached from their inner experience.... so numb.. that they actually can't feel that they are hurting themselves by going against themselves. Its physical....

When I have allowed myself to become calmer.. allowed myself to feel what I am feeling... the calmer I become.. the more loving I become to myself... the more intouch I become with my own love... with the love that I get just from being alive...

I think we have to peel the layers off ourselves in order to find the love that exists.. the experience that exists underneath...

we have put layers upon layers of sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, lonliness ontop of our inner love... and it is only in allowing yourself to feel those that allows them to dissapate.. revealing the truth.

I think the universe gives you everything to teach you to love yourself... I think it puts every obstacle in your way.. to strip you down and text your unconditional love for yourself.. it makes you feel as Small and as insignificant as possible.. so ultimately you have to laugh in the face of it all.. and say... I FORGIVE MYSELF.. and I will honour myself because I never want to get thatfar away from myself again.

This just popped in my head

Psychopathy.

I believe psychopathy.. atleast that that comes from trauma.. is in fact the result of severe trauma. The child completely cute himself off from his experience of life.. that once older has no compassion... cannot see the pain they are causing themselves... because they are numb... they have not felt an emotion since before they had to protect themselves by shutting off.

The truth is everyone can look for happiness.. but happiness is found in love... and true love comes from within. no one can love you the way you love you. Imagine.. you loving you? you would be unstoppable.. a force to be reckoned with.. and then its just about learning... learning everything your heart searches for.

Looking back I can see the pattern to mylife. abandonment. I have been scared to lose people my whole life.. it has been a driving force.... and when my mom died. I went numb... now luckily my mother had taught me that feeling was important... but what I can see is that I usually have talked about my emotions instead of feeling them... I have smoked them away, drank them away, sexed them away.. lol....

now here's an interesting fact... I have a problem with orgasming. I think its because I don't trust men. I can't really let go with men... I am always on guard.. as though I know they are going to leave... especially the ones I love.

I can't orgasm even alone.. because that would be a total let go of emotions... and they are buried so deep.... I don't trust my body yet.

I have to honour my body in order to trust myself....

the more you allow yourself to feel, the more you feel your pain.. the more you realize it is YOU that is killing yourself.

some people drop dead from a heart attack even though they are healthy. Why? I think its because of emotions.

Emotions get blocked in your body so your body then takes all the shit in the environment and can't process it properly.. I think that if a person is emotionally well, their body works at a higher efficiency.

Now... I'll be honest.. this is all hypothesis.. this is my OWN experience. I know there are people who must not fall under this paradigm.. like the monk who gets sick... but I believe that illness is there to teach us something... that the way we are living our life isn't working for us anymore. we must change.. or suffer.. or die.

We may die anyways... but I believe in reincarnation... so you got to figure it out at some point....

past the pain.. I promise.. is love.

lonliness is a craving for you to honour yourself.. it is US we are looking for. All we want is for us to listen to ourselves.. and become our greatest self.

our home is in ourselves.... its the safest place in the world if you are your own best friend.

honestly.. there are so many facets to this... I could go on forever at how one thing is connected to another thing...

********
ok I'll share this too.. just because its what I am thinking now.

our ego - as eckart Tolle would explain- is our heads...

as the ego dissapates, so too does our conversation in our heads.

ok I'll speak from personal experience.

as I started to train my brain to not speak so poorly of myself.. the more time I had to listen to my heart.. ask myself what I wasn feeling, what I wanted.. what was going on.. the calmer I became... the more my body reacted to that.

I have lost weight.. not because I went on a diet.. but because I wasn't snacking all the time trying to get away from my body.

I think the ego pulls us away from our body.. convinces ourselves that our body is somehow foreign... and that its not to be trusted. We don't trust our bodies.. and therefore are disconnected.. and then we disconnect from our emotions.. we become heads on top of bodies.

I think intuition is the connection to the body.. its recognizing that the body is trillions of cells.. of thinking machines.. always figuring out what to do next.. how to manage the environment.. and in order to be in full communication with our bodies we must learn how to feel. How to express ourselves fully.. how to fight against fear, judgement, failure... recognize that our inherent worth is not found from the outside but from the inside.

So if you are fat? well you are probably really sad.. you feel like no one understands you.. no one loves you.. that there must be something wrong with you if people treat you the way they do... so you cover up how you are feeling with eating.. problem is you are not hurting yourself... you are treating yourself exactly the same way as the people you don't understand.. so guess what? now you understand! people do that because they are hurting too. It has nothing to do with you....

people jusge others based on their judgement of themselves.

Marriage is probably the best example and the scariest.

Marriage is a "sacred" bond.. and for those that get married to someone that ultimately pisses them off... they feel obligated to stay. Their hearts are begging them to go... recognizing they made a mistake.. but their moral judgements are saying no. They can leave.. but they are not letting themselves. their happiness is not worth changing their beliefs. They are not honouring themselves. and many people still stay to fulfill obligations that are making them miserable.. when things could bevery different.

Not everything can be changed... but the little things can at first.. and the bigger things next.

honestly? I started with brushing my teeth every day, having a shower every day. changing the roll of TP and putting the new one back on the ACTUAL roll, closing cupboard doors... its the small things.. its recognizing that you actually feel better when you do things for yourself. The more you face your fears of looking at what you want... how you feel.. the more you allow yourself to get past the pain of your life.. and reallize that tomorrow hasn't arrives.. then less scary it gets.

I had always focused on the bad.. because I hadn't let it go yet... it was still there in my space.... the emotions still buried.. and to be honest.. there are still somethings that I am not ready to let go of.. but what I have found is that the universe gives me things to deal with each layer of myself... as I tackle each layer.. it just comes..it doesn't have to beforced.

its  a slow and arduous journey.. but in the end... you are waiting for yourself.... so excited that you found eachother again.

I have to go to sleep..I have clinical tomorrow.
A

love - its a good day :)

So.. today was a good day.... FINALLY!!!

I feel like I may have just come through the fire....

the biggest difference... last night I felt like I have to really come to terms with the fact that I love T. And I still believe in something between us... and I have to accept thats just how I feel... he holds the highest place in my heart... and there is nothing I can do or say anymore.. I just have to let life happen... and in the mean time... focus on me.

The more I go through this.. the more I realize that I wasn't ready to date him yet.. and I still am not... there are still things I have to ort out in my life.. and when the time is right.. honestly in my heart I believe its the real thing... I know that sounds stupid.. but its just how I feel... and I have to believe in my heart. I have to trust myself.....

I dreamt about him last night... the very first time... it was interesting... I don't remember the details..I just remember it was so nice to see his face. ... I don't have any pictures of him... so he exists only in my memory...

It was interesting because in my dream we never touched... never kissed... just were around eachother and stared at eachother. When I woke up I just wanted to go back to sleep... I wanted to spend more time with him... but he was gone...

I had a meeting with one of my faculty advisors today about a meeting I had had last week and she told me that I conducted myself quite well.. that its ok that I was emotional at times... that it showed that I am human and the situation bothered me.

It was lovely...

then I went for a walk down by the river with a friend.... and then for a sandwich at a local pub....

and then my step dad called!!!!

I can't even believe it!

best part of that? at the end of the conversation with a big smile I said "it's really nice to hear from you." and I could hear the smile in his voice and he said "you too." :)

then I went to yoga for the first time in a month.. since I busted up my ankle.

I feel like I'm even closer to being whole. Its incredible :)

Good day.

A

distractions

So It's sunday afternoon... I am finding myself lazy again today... and so I suppose I am confronted on some level and not really wanting to deal with it... cause sleep is my usual default if things are feeling too overwhelming.

I'm putting off doing a couple of things... none that are too big... well actually... there is one thing that I have been putting off FOREVER.. my taxes...

Money... so I have realized I have a really fucked up relationship to money.... just like everyother component in my life that I avoid.... money is one of those things... its like I get anxiety over it.... fear.... and I have this internal dialogue like.. there's never enough. Honestly I am terrifyingly embarrassed and feel guilty for not having a budget and managing my money properly.

But now I am at a point where I HAVE TO... I have to look at this with open eyes and just learn... practice.... It's like I always hope there's going to be money there... I hate not having money.. but when I have it I'll buy coffee's and things that I don't really need and the money could go to something else more important... but I do it anyways.... I do it cause maybe "its the thing to do"... I don't know.. but I know I'm irresponsible about my money... not that I have ever had a lot of it... but I mean, I don't EVER need to use it for anything but the essentials... anything else is just not neccessary.. and although its nice to do those things... its a lot nicer to have enough money for the bare essentials.

it's weird.. its like this area I am completely blind in.... this is the first time in my life I a actually being honest about my relationship... even honest with myself.... it feels like my weight. Like it feels so overwhelming that I don't want to look at it... like its too daunting.... oooooorrrrr maybe its the emotion that's too scary???????

one minute

I'm going to try and feel the fear of having so little money that I can't do anything other than the bare minimums of life.


****
So it's now hours later and I have quite the afternoon... feeling the feelings was intense.. I realized that I totally equate my self worth to money... and while I was feeling the emotions I had to repeat to myself " your worth is not based on money." it was sooo hard.. I felt like I was battling with myself.. and I just kept repeating myself and repeating myself... telling myself that my worth is inherant... it is not dependent on outside forces....

then I started making myself look at all the parts of my life that I avoid.. that I try and distract myself from feeling. Realizing that I'm scared to look at those parts.. cause I'm scared that I am going to find out that I really am not worthy... and there really is something wrong with me... Its like I don't believe that I truly am worthy of all the beautiful things... because I have these things wrong with me... instead of letting myself feel the fear... look at the problem.. and focus on the solutions.

Through feeling the emotions I ended up talking to one of my best friends J... and our relationship has completely shifted... she's the one who divorced me a little while ago.. and today she completely opened up to me and told me all the details about this man she really really likes.. and I was able to help coach her to see where she is trying to protect her heart and not jump into the game of life....

I was able to send a letter to my friend who is lending me money and get straight with myself that I have to find a job in the next two weeks... that this is really important.... and that I need to stop feeling inadequate. and just give myself a deadline.. and make it happen.. even if it is just Tim Hortons.. atleast it is money coming in.

Fuck its so weird to need money... but I really really don't want to work at Tim Hortons.. I really feel like I deserve a bigger challenge. and I deserve a job that pays more... but maybe I just need to accept that it is what it is.. and that I have to be able to support myself.. and that's all that matters... to feel like I can take care of myself.
Its weird to force myself to feel the feelingsof shame, inadequacy, guilt.... and then force myself to tell myself that money does not equate to who I am.. and the fact that I haven't been able to find a job doesn't mean I won't be able to find a job. to be honest that I really really want to be able to take care of myself...

ultimately thats what all of this is... looking at how and where I don't take care of myself... being honest with myself that I don't... and figuring out how to change that.

It's only through acceptance that we can change...but man accepting that I am still overweight, that I don't know how to manage my money, and that I equate men liking me to my worth is fucking crazy difficult... it's excruciatingly uncomfortable.. and I know its the only way that I can ultimately become who I want to be... and the time has come..

I honestly feel like i have finally handled so much oftheother layers that I was too scared to look at ... like mom, and my family... that as I become ore honest with myself... the more I face my fears.. and the more I become who I want to be...

it is inignoring the parts of me I don't like.. that I stay the same....

By the end of March I want to...

have known where all my money has gone.

Find a job that can bring in 2000$ each month while I am in school.
Figure out how to go toYoga every other day.
start running, by the end of March I want to be able to run 1 straight km.
limit eating gluten and sugar. '

By the end of this year I want to be 145 lbs. Happy, healthy and completely independent from all financial burdens.. that I am completely financially aware. I want to be whole.

well that was a good session :)

so... distractions - they show me where it is that I am avoiding.. so I can look at that specific part of my life. weird.... so whenever you find that you are distracted... maybe you should look at what you are distracted from.. and decide that today is the day you are going to accept that you have to look at it... accept what ever it is that you are scared of.... embrace it... and move forward... head held high... being thankful for having the courage to no longer live the way you always have.

I have three friends right now that I think have met their permanent partners. All three are very new... but all three are very real...and I think I like all three men... and all three of the women told me all about them in the past 24 hours.... so its feeling really cool that they all trust me with the details. I think they are all finally seeing that I always follow my heart.. and they need someone to cheer them on even though their heart is so scared... and I can be that person.

****
Monday, March 5, 2013
So apparently I didn't post this...

and I came to write how I was feeling right now....

This whole awakening thing is totally fucked... its like every person I talk to I think is stupid... its brutal.

The most confronting thing? looking at my two best friends who are iding from me right now... both of them were the ones that when I sent that crazy letter from J out to everyone... they were the ones that said I should give him another chance. And so I think they said that because they can't look at their own lives... because they aren't happy... as though something is wrong with them to admit that the life they thought they wanted really isn't it at all.

But... god... its terrifying to see that... to not be willing to be sold into a life that will make me miserable... I REFUSE to condition myself to not have any feelings or be upset when things are getting to be too much.

The problem with people is that they are miserable... everyone is miserable in their lives.. and instead of making that compel themselves to change their life.. they take drugs to have them cope with the upset and anger that comes from a life that sucks....

its weird... today my prof told me that I should consider going on meds... it appauled me.. and she suggested it a few times.... I couldn't believe it.. I told her I didn't want to 5 or 6 times.. and she still tried to tell me that it wasn't the easy way out.. and sometimes we just need a break... as though I couldn't handle it.. it was like that was the first option??? totally weird...

So ya.... I'm learning how to not be so scared of authority... how to own myself.... and how to confront my fears... believing that i have the wear with all to handle them... I mean really that's the scary part... what do you do with emotions unless you know how to process them... experience the emotion and look for love... accept what you have gone through by integrating them into your psyche.... recognize that you are much stronger and alive than you thought... so you can ultimately have the strength to tackle the deeper emotions...

You know the more and more I go down this road.. the more I realize that I was not even close to being ready to be the kind of person I wanted to be for T's girls... it was a nice idea... but I was not even close... that if it had happened... it wouldn't have worked... and that I needed this time to learn these lessons... get my life in order.... feel in complete control of my existance.... so that I know myself fully... and deeply... and rely solely on myself.

I deleted my profile of POF today.... I went on it for a week.... I had convinced myself that because I met T on there that maybe there would be another... but really in the end I realize that someone is going to have to do a phenomenol job at beating the first words T ever corresponded with me"

Reading your profile brought tears to my eyes, and excitement in my heart. We might be similar spirits, though I think you may have an older soul than I. The world still bewilders me on a regular basis. I have been on and off a spiritual journey all my life and have yet to fully understand or actualize the things I have learned. known truths, and the driving force I feel in my heart and soul. Is this too much for you? It is rare to meet someone with depth of chracter and an understanding of self and not hide behind a veil, or consider oneself complete. I am far from any of these things. I do have a passin for life, people, music, creating and physical exertion. I don't need a lover or necessarily want one butI feel that you mght be someone who could be an excellent friend. I think we could talk about anything and maybe even learn something from eachother. Regardless of what my profile reads I have come to a place where I just want something real without pressure for anything more than a meaningful connection with another human being on a deeper personal level. I have been a teacher, a business owner and am now in sales and my soul is not satisfied, but it is a journey and I am on a step towards something else - something I feel is much bigger and more meaningful. I am afraid to fail, although I know that is when the greatest growth takes plave and I have and will fail again. I have moved around a great deal in my life but have called this area home for the last twelve years. My recent life change has lead me to re-discover a person I had lost. He is really cool, interesting and inerested in the world around him. So no pressure at all in any way. Your words were oving and in many ways speak way beyond your years. If you would like to chat...maybe a friendship could develop. I think you are open minded enough to atleast explore something. I am open as well.


like really? who the fuck on the planet is going to beat that.... lol.

He really fucked me for ever being satisfied again... I'm so stuck... ah well.. guess this is the game of life :)

night.

Awakening

So these past few weeks have been pretty fucked up to say the least... I pretty much felt as suicidal as I have felt in years... the culmination of everything.

Honestly it was all my emotions coming barelling at me.. and being completely confronted on every level.

I have analyzed the shit out of it all and this is what I see.

I got to the point where I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life

My family treats me like I don't belong or exist... so I'm clearly a failure in that department
I am still overweight and smoke so I fail in the health department
I have been borrowing money to get by so I fail in the money department
My friend breaking up with me signaled I failed in the friendship department
and then my trusty man attention seeking to console my heart failed when Q deleted me
and then I sprained my ankle - so my body was failing
and then I failed my midterm - for the two things I was most proud of... so I felt like I failed in the person department too...

It was like this wave of self hatred swarmed over me... and I honestly wanted to die

then this week I read 2 books, spirit junkie and radical acceptance.... they have helped emensely

and this is what I have realized...

abandonment is my default pain.

it is what makes me the person I am... how deeply I love and hold on is because I made a rule that I hated being abandoned and I would never abandon anyone... its what caused me to hold on to C. for so many years... its what fueled what happened with T, its what had started to happen with Q.... that I can't let go cause I am scared I am abandoning them.. so I need to actually hear... fuck off for me to leave....

so then out of that I realized that T was there to teach me that at one point its ok to abandon... to break the rule in the name of sanity.

I realized that at the base of that abandonment was the feeling that if I could have loved them enough, if I could give them the best thing.. if I could teach them to love themselves... then they would love me back... funny as I am sitting here writing this I am thinking... it was always a direct course to me learning how to love myself... interesting :)

So I learned that I thought if only I could love them enough.. if only I could teach them they were lovable... then they would love me...

that there was a fundamental flaw with me.. and for years I have been in search of fixing this fundamental flaw... but really there is no flaw... that its not me... that some people are good for me and some are bad for me and if they are bad for me.. its ok to let go.

I can't even begin to imagine giving myself permission to leave a guy the second I see anything I really don't like about him.. to see him for who he is.

wait.. I can.. I can imagine and its liberating... I can imagine what it would be like to find a relationship that is just easy and not a struggle.... that it just happens and I don't have to convince myself of anything... I just like him and he just likes me... and there is nothing else to analyze.

:)

I can imagine not having to look back and analyze any more... to just be here now, talking about what's going on and celebrating instead of peeling away years and years of fucked up ness.

I honestly think this has all been leading here... to a point in my life where I am able to stop analyzing the past to get me to get free from it...

to be able to separate from my longing... to accept myself as my own best friend.

So... in the end I texted T and said that through him I let go of my fear, my insecurities, all the walls that I have built between me and the rest of the world... and that he helped me to see that I thought I had this fundamental flaw which I do not... that through him I realized there really is nothing I could do to change the circumstances... that if he wants to grab coffee when he figures out his shit cool, if not thanks for playing the game of life with me.

and then I deleted him today.

and with Q... a couple weird things happened... its not really important.. except I nw realize that it got complicated fast.. and its not what I want at all. That I turn into this weird person who is trying to cater to a man that she feels is somehow better than her.... so I deleted him from my phone too!

So ya... here is to being able to do this right from moment one. Are you available emotionally. yes? no? no= out.

wish me luck


we'll see