7 months today

My baby turns 7 months today. Maybe it's the time has given me space. Perhaps it's that I'm starting to feel hope. Perhaps it's that I'm gaining perspective. I don't know but I cut off all my hair today and am compelled to write.

When I think of this blog I think about how I started with the lessons I had learned by 24. I'm 34 now and maybe I need to write my new list. Especially the list I have acquired in the past 7 months... Or maybe the past 17 months... Or maybe it started at camp last fall right before I got pregnant. But things have changed and this is the greatest adventure of my life and lessons speckle every day of my life.

Breastfeeding is a bitch.

No one explains... Or even if they do...you will never truly understand the self sacrifice breast feeding can be.

Breast feeding is forced attachment. I completely understand the warnings that it is ok if you don't feel that unbreakable bond from the beginning. I was scared. I'm still scared. Breast feeding has slowly allowed us to be as close as two people can be... And let's us grow more into each other's space.

When I get down it's like a spiral, within a couple hours I've gone from being upset the house is dirty to thinking we should break up. It takes real effort for me to see my mental dysfunction and shift it to something positive. How do people keep their houses clean all the time?

There's a pattern to my feelings and the moon... Crisis is usually around the new moon, breakthrough is usually around full moon and the rest of the month seems to be manifesting the new creative energy.

I want to be creative and rich but the amount of energy, focus and time scare me.

I scare easily although I've survived my biggest fears... I still requires a tremendous amount of self coaching for me to pursue anything and feel capable.

They say New born babies eat about every 3 hours... They don't say they may have been eating for 2hours and 45 minutes up until that point.

You can't spoil a baby. Learn them. Be patient.

My boobs have been nicknamed battle tits because our baby scratches and pinches them for at least a couple days every month. When it's happening I feel I'm going insane and feel overwhelmed in trying to Get her to stop.

Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.

Being a parent is a constant juxtaposition.
Oh i can't wait til she sleeps through the night... Except I'd stay awake the whole time listening for cries and worrying she's going to suffocate.
Oh I can't wait to have my boobs back I hate this .... But I'm going to miss this closeness.. Everyone says you miss this phase.

I have a completely radical perception of life, love, health and well-being that's why. I can't explain or choose a side. My side is a tapestry...

It is very difficult to crystallize all areas of your life into your present existence.

Even shitty behaviours or circumstances have their silver lining.

Fake it before you make it.

Having a baby exposes parts of your personality, beliefs and triggers constantly. Be patient with your heart.

People are amazing.

Learn to make peace with the weather. Being outside is essential to happiness.

Enthusiasm, encouragement and love feed me and can change my mood in a heartbeat.

I have so many areas to still grow in.

I'm scared to fail.

I'm scared to never have the money to do the things I want to do or have for the baby.

Thank God for technology and it finally catching up with my brain.

I'm falling asleep and need to go. I'll think of more over night.

Xo

330 am reminder its ok to feel.

Oh my god. I just wrote for an hour and it's gone...ugh... I wrote all about how I woke up in so much pain at 330am, couldn't move, baby started crying... Had to feed baby in dark while can't look down, turn my head from side to side or hold her up in my arms.... Wrote how the last time I felt this kind of stiffness was the day after I said good but to my biological father... And it gradually getting worse from the time we said goodbye.

I wrote about how he had given me the lantern for James, and signed the book he gave me... My first gift from him, Anam Cara, of which I have lost since getting pregnant.

I wrote about how I've lost three things dear to my heart in the past year, the book, my rainbow cupcake hat and my cross stitch. Gone. Ugh.

I wrote about how the ferry he gave us tickets for and we were in a rush to get to ended up being out of commission for a few weeks and how the quick goodbye was good for us.

I wrote how we drove up the malahat to Nanaimo through the rain.... And how the weather reflected my mood... then west past goats on a roof, through the old growth forest, to port albeirni where a rainbow came out .  where again the weather reflected my mood...Through the mountains and into rain soaked, but clear skies, tofino

I wrote about our campsite and meeting these 2 men who were camping across from us by means of a solar powered rainbow light in a bottle....it's a really cool story.

And then james' alarm went off for work. I gave him D to cuddle with for a minute.. hugged them both and took her back to feed her... And went back to finish my post, to find it gone. Disparue. Every word gone. And I don't have the time to write it again. Ugh.

I woke up at 330 am in so much pain and remembered the last time I felt this stiff. It was when I said goodbye to my father.

That night I woke up in equally the same amount of pain as tonight at probably about 330am. In a wet tent on the earth and whimpered to myself as I lay in agony. The next morning it had gotten So great...so bad... I was in so much pain... I got stoned and finally gave into crying.

Britt came and sat with me and I talked out my emotions and just cried. Happy sad. The rainbow. And the pain went away.

So here I am. Happy sad. So I held my baby and cried... Then handed her over to james and went out under the almost full moon and cried... And stretched and tried to relax my body... And cried. This is hard this mom stuff. And I miss my mom... And  my dad... And my step dad.

I am trying to keep the baby happy and everyone else... And I don't know how to keep me. I feel overwhelmed and grateful. I feel annoyed and think it's all funny, I am dark and light, yin and yang and I haven't cried in 2 months.

So I cried a little and feel a little better.... And then wrote and it all down and it disappeared...ugh.... . And now the baby is crying again, just pooped and I have to get up to drive James to work and feed this baby before we go. And my neck still feels stiff. Motherhood..2 months in. Lol

Maybe when I get back I'll try and let more go. Let more emotions rise to the surface. Let the pressure built in my shoulders find some release. Cry.

Baby D - sleep deprivation.

I had a baby... I got pregnant, carried her for 10 months and then pushed her tiny body out of mine. It's crazy.

That's what I say to everyone.. this is one hell of a ride this transition into parenting. The first month and a half seemed to go by pretty smoothly. Somehow I found the time to sleep...maybe not eat all so well but Most importantly I found the time to sleep.

Lately I find myself being  cranky. Everything ia starting to bug me...my house is a mess and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. All I can do is say... I'm frustrated.

Last week my partner worked 75 hours. How can I expect him to do anything when he gets home but unwind and sleep? Ah sleep... How I miss thee.

The first 6 weeks I didn't count how much i slept, but James worked in the evenings... So we would atleast sleep in and Delilah was good with that... But the past 2 weeks he got a new job where he has to be there for 630 and be picked up at 4. So we barely sleep. I dont see him and I feel like I'm slowly falling a part.

I have found in the 3 years of being together we only get frustrated with each other when we don't see each other.... We are there again.

And Delilah has decided that she wants to feed constantly again. So I must leave this here. And go feed my tiny milk gremlin.

The next chapter. Baby delilah. Writing

I came across a mom blog this morning that listed the 20 things you need to know for your first week of having a new born. I laughed.

I could relate to some of it... But also in reading it I realized that if I just open up to being vulnerable again I have so much to share.

I debated starting a new blog... Or continuing the one that I started to meet my dad. Fullcircleadventure.blogspot.com

Because this is for sure a full circle adventure. I again... Hesitate to write here because it will bring people back to the person I once was... Back to the person that exists inside me... But alas that it my story...

I'm dreading October because that's the month I run out of maternity leave...I was on EI since October and although working at the gas station this spring while taking James to welding school every day...I didn't manage to accumulate enough hours to get maternity after the year is done... And it's done in October.

And my partner wants to be home this winter with the baby... Take the rest of my parental leave... But finding a job here in the middle of cottage country in the winter has proven quite the feat.... So I need to figure something else out... I want to make money writing... But building the confidence to make that happen feels almost impossible... So i mine as well start where I've left off.... And maybe it will all pan out...

Writing in my journal seems almost impossible balancing a baby on the boob a pen and a book... But maybe embracing this forum again will allow me to write.. I can type and hold my cell with one hand.... So here is to the next chapter. Baby Delilah. The ups and downs. The embarrassments and the triumphs. This is our story. How fabulous you really look!

Im having a baby

I'm catching up on Grey's anatomy. It's the only show I've watched since the first day it was Aired.

I have watched it through all the lives I've lived....

And it all started with Meredith waking up next to a man she didn't know the name of.

The evolution of the characters, the writing, the story.... Has been so real. It shows what trauma looks like and what moving on looks like. It is a show about physical and emotional healing and it reminds me of my own journey.

I am scared to keep writing on this blog because I have become such a different person in the past what? 9 years of this blog. .

I am having a baby with a man I love... I've learned to enjoy the small things... My anxiety is at an all time low.

I have learned to trust myself... My life and the love that exists in every part of my body. .. And yet there is still layers that await my unraveling.

I'm embarrassed of some of the life I lead.    .. And yet I can see as I get older how it was all requires for me to come to this place. And this place is required for me to move into the next place.

I am trying to write my book but I'm scared to hurt those I love with my own truth. I need to come to a place where my anger and frustration were not palpable anymore. Where I didn't feel angry any more....

I suppose I am beginning to really feel that way.

I needed to make peace with my love.... And maybe it's through writing it that I will.

I remembered being in Thailand... My surgery..  And giving Into the possibility of death. I hated that my step dad couldn't tell me I would be OK... But then I knew I had to let go into the possibility of dying and hope that I was strong enough... That my journey along this path wasn't over...but make peace with death.

That moment in my life shifted everything.

Along with countless others.

I learned to rely on myself. I learned autonomy. And I survived.

This journey has been one of learning how to be autonomous and trust my own take on the world... Trust my choices... Trust my knowledge.

I am coming to see what they mean by knowledge is power. It is power over your own life. It is counter intuitive.... The experience is needed to grow.

I have never experienced great violence.... But I have experienced emotional trauma... And also unconditional love.

I am coming to see how the parts of me have come together and why I think, act and do the things I do. How each pain played a role in my personal evolution and although my heart has been broken countless times.... I still open it up to the goodness that exists in between the sorrow.

I'm on the next leg of the journey. But it includes the past.

I am having a baby... And her life will be the result of the life I lead.... The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through our lives together.

But more than everything... I have come to see that in order for your children to feel safe, secure and open to the world.... You must embody that love... And give yourself permission to love all of you no matter who you are..... Forgive your past. Move past the ways your happiness was blocked... And find your little kid happiness again.

epic trip

i leave tomorrow.

i cant believe how much ive grown. what i have learned and how in love i am.

its been an incredible journey so far... learning to love myself.... let love in and believe myself worthy to have love to come home to.

making peace with my past..... with the patience i ave ha to build and the depth of understanding men

thanks for coming on this journey with me.

amanda

full circle adventure

It is 11 days until I leave on our epic road trip to meet my biological father.

I can't believe it is all happening... all the past, all the things I have been through and I am finally happy!!!!

I am so madly in love with my boyfriend, and healing the parts of me that never get to see the daylight....

it's the strangest feeling to make peace with the parts of me that have been so hurt and so lost for so long. Crying when you are happy..... the relief that comes from relaxing into life. Expecting the best moments.... expecting it all to work out.. even when it feels like the opposite.

I could only feel this excitement by feeling the disappointment and sadness from my life... all emotions are contained together... you can't get the light without the dark. You can't be happy without willing to admit that you have been desperately sad.

I have been struggling with posting to this blog during my trip or starting another.

I haven't had the time to look through this blog... all I know is it exposes the very raw side of my journey... of my journey through love, sex and feeling whole..... I run into moments of embarrassment ... and I continue to remind myself that this is who I am.... this is what makes me me... and there is nothing to feel ashamed about... however, I have decided to start a new one...... the new journey. fullcircleadventure.BlogSpot.com

I am so thankful for my life.... and so thankful that I could have experienced all the randomness that life has to offer and now it is revealing its magnificence.

Thank you for this journey.
Amanda

The very first time I heard my father's voice.

It happened.

That little girl dream.... the one she only tells herself in the quietest places in her heart. The one she dare not share.... for fear someone or something will rob her of that simple hope... that simple dream.

But it's not so simple. It has never been, nor ever will be. But it was my one wish my whole life. My whole life. Breathe Amanda. Breathe.

I struggle with writing at all. It scares me... the way my life is just blossoming before me... after all the things I've done... man, the idea of this blog still scares the shit out of me. I want to read back.. but haven't.. I'm scared I'll delete shit if I read it.... and I don't want to... I just want to share myself.. and share my story and believe that if I sanitize it I rob people of the story. Of the true story... the path of my coming to myself... and making peace with the opposite sex.

This is my journey on these proverbial pages.... and I write here differently than I write in my journal.... but this forum always compels the very best of my desire to write.

I suppose I should accept that I am a writer and have been wandering everywhere trying to find my craft... when perhaps... if I am lucky... I have been doing it all along.

******

I feel like a million fireworks went up in my heart, in my body, in my head..over the past few days. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be me right now... it's insane.. like every emotion that ever existed inside any human being is racing through my body at all times.. I'm stressed and relaxed, anxious and safe, excited and terrified, happy and sad... all at the same time.

I have a lump in my throat that I haven't let go of.... like I feel like I am going to pop if I let it all in.

I watched a movie with my boyfriend last night called Harold's search for Happiness or something to that affect... I feel like he feels at the end of the movie when his brain lit up like a fireworks festival. These emotions are all wrapped up...

The most important point on Harold's list, in my opinion is... Happiness is not the avoidance of what makes you unhappy. TRUTH.

I could not feel what I am feeling right now had it not been for the sorrow I have felt. I can only explain that my emotions encompass every emotion I have ever felt.... excitement being the hardest to really share. And the relief.... the heaviness that has sat for years, lurking in the shadow.... is being acknowledged again and loved. I suppose that;s maybe what this feeling is.... self-love. Just pure pride in myself for loving others enough that I get to love myself. To live a life I am proud of, honestly... and have the universe reward me.

I am humbly self aware of the thoughts that I am experiencing. One of the most predominant is the feeling that I don't deserve this. Who am I to get my happy ending? Who am I to have my dreams come true?

I am trying to remind myself that when you let yourself be happy, you give others the space to be happy too.

I am trying to remind myself that if any of my friends have anything to celebrate I celebrate with them... and if my friend was going through something like this I would just lose my mind in excitement. And so. I am allowed. I am allowed to enjoy these next few months....

I am allowed to celebrate. I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time this past Saturday night. 

the feeling of which.... makes me want to pop... and that's a weird thing to think. I'm just so full up with energy....

and as I write this the only thing in my head is.. "GO OUTSIDE. BREATHE. SCREAM. MOVE. DANCE. LET IT GO... whatever is binded around your heart..... LET IT GO and LET THIS FEELING IN. LET IT IN. Don't be scared.

ya... right... lol.. it's like that time I went and hugged a tree and ended up sitting under it for 2 hours.. just being with the land.... it helps.

Sometimes I'm just so embarrassed to admit the things I think and do.... but I suppose I figure.. if they help me.. then maybe there is someone else that it might help too.

****
So right now I am completely overwhelmed by what has gone on in my life over the past month and a half... I've just had to let go of someone I really love... and the pain of it made me mad.... quite literally I have been so angry and sad and confused for over a month now.... and then the day after I decide to just let that feeling go.... this happens. the second I chose to forgive.... I got my wish.

The second I gave myself permission to be happy despite the circumstances... and remove all thoughts of ill will, my life got even fuller.

And now I sit in a space of feeling like I have worked my whole life for this very moment...... and yet.....there are parts of me that feel that I do not deserve this... why doesn't everyone else get their happy ending too? I only wish that every human being could just feel the gratitude I am feeling right now for every single moment they have played a role on this planet.

Too many people have affected my life... too many to count... to many cultures... too many lovely lovely human beings from every religion, walk of life imaginable... and I am just so thankful that the lessons I learned through the journey of my life has brought me here.

I am so thankful. I understand where the bow comes in... its a bow to the creator... in gratitude for the life it gives us. No matter what the pain.... if we spend our lives searching deeper and deeper into ourselves..... being able to be proud of yourself is the deepest pleasure. Being able to love beyond all impossibilities....it hurts, but when it doesn't... MAN its worth all the pain. this feeling... is worth. all. the. pain.

Now... if only I can remember that the next time I'm losing my mind in sadness or anger..lol... but I suppose that is the lesson after all, it's just learning to roll with life.... doesn't mean you are always going to be feeling good.... but knowing that there is happiness on the other side of all pain...helps make it a little easier to palate.

I suppose true happiness is the sacred calmness inside that constantly reassures that everything is alright, even when it doesn't feel like it... the confidence in your inner dialogue..to be able to trust it. To feel completely at ease inside in knowing, and not knowing... and always being available to grow.

I think I need to go outside.

Be back later.

**** 1 hour later.

My bf's best friend showed up and we went and stood in the field acorss the road and watched this beautiful sunset..... the ice particles made it so there was a line of light both down and up from the sun... and the snow has meleted and frozen just so to be shiny... almost like an oil slick when the light hits it.... its gorgeous, crisp, fresh, quiet.

It's a funny thing... the more love you have in your life the more alone you feel you can be.

The journey starts with the first step..meeting my father

 This journey of mine has been a long and interesting one. Somedays I think back on my life fondly thus far and recognize that every step has lead to the next one.. that I only knew as much as I knew and that I have atleast lived as true to my heart as I could inside the internal turmoil that I was going through.
Somedays I look back and think oh no! I don't even want to read this blog and actually remember it all... I struggle between guilt over my life.. and gratitude for it.

Which leads me to this phase.. the phase of finally meeting my father.

Do I even have the right to spend money on this trip when I owe people money for helping me out through nursing school?

I considered setting up an account with kickstarter or indiegogo.... trying to maybe fundraise money by trying to make it into a book... or a movie.... I don't know.... then I think "who would want to dnate to that? why do I deserve any money to get what I want?"

it's a hard thing this confidence thing..... there are so many reasons to not feel adequate enough... to not feel like I deserve my happy ending... all the reasons in the world to think why would anyone else care about my life.. about what's happening to me....

But then there's this part of me that wants to share it with the world! I want to scream it from the rooftops! That I am so freaking excited and really want to document it... I really want to share my excitement.. I want to share the experience... I want to include people.... but then maybe I need to keep it for myself..... not make a big deal out of it.

I don't know what to do!!!

All I know.. is today my cousin and I made a tentative plan to leave at the start of April.... and for me to be in Victoria mid April - meeting my dad.

We have 14 stops scheduled.. almost every city there is a friend or family member waiting.

Nashville - Atlanta - New Orleans - San Anotonio - Pawhuska - Grand Canyon - Las Vegas - Yosemite - San Francisco - Yosemite - Mt Hood - Seattle - Vancouver - Victoria

I leave my oldest friend in Guelph and end up with the third of our triad in Vancouver.

Seeing people from my life..... staying with people from my life. .. sharing my excitement.

EEK!

I'm so scared to share.. Im so scared to document.. and I'm so scared to have the story of my past to be part of this.... to continue this story on this blog.. so that anyone who comes to read about this leg of my journey can go back at any point and watch my journey... I'm scared... embarrassed.... scared.

Bu if I knew that I would be bringing hope to atleast one person... I would gladly share my experience.

We will see.
Amanda

Choosing aloneness

It's an amazing thing to be in the midst of a total internal shift and to be aware of it...

watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...

wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...

watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...

I think I want to be alone again.

I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....

I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...

and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.

I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....

when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."

ugh.

I have to be alone.

The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.

To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.

What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.

and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.

So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.

and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.

I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.

ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.

I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...

:(
Amanda