something shifted

So, I'm not sure what has changed or why... but I found that in the past 24 hours I have shifted into wanting, being ok with being alone.

T stopped responding to my texts. I found myself tip toeing around him again and it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

JM came to visit me, and while he was here I didn't text T. During his visit, he was lovely but the sex wasn't comfortable for me. The first night all I could think of was that I wished it was T...which validated my feelings completely. The second night I found myself not orgasming, but close enough that emotions I was uncomfortable looking at bubbled to the surface.

I realized that I really want intimacy, that sex isn't fulfilling to me unless there is emotion and care behind it... and I need to feel safe and secure in order to be comfortable really enjoying myself.

and I saw how I cover up my feelings when I am with a man that cant offer me that.

and the third night the sex actually made me feel uncomfortable. I had been drawn to rough sex, controlling sex for a lot of my 20s. Thats the kind of sex I had with my ex C. especially after we broke up... I thought I wanted it... but during it I found myself losing myself in not caring. and after I felt wrong.

I felt as though he didn't care. I asked myself why this was going on for me and my answer was to see how I fall back into that pattern when I start treating myself the way I have been treated by others.

I saw that because T. had stopped responding again that I was feeling unloved and so I resorted to be trusty addiction of sex to cover up how I was feeling. I saw how easily I treat myself like a play thing, and subsequently how I get so dissapointed in men that I treat them the same way, not giving a shit.

After, we talked a little, and JM said something that was interesting... I said I felt like he didn't care and he said "this is me not caring?" it was a fair question... he had taken me to the movies, driven all the way up here and watched a couple of movies and cuddled with me.... so I had to sit with how I felt

after he left I texted T to see if he would be willing to spontaneously come over. no response

I ended up realizing that I am really scared to tell people the insight that I have into who they are and why they act the way they do.... but I looked at it and realized that if I am right, its my gift... I just rarely tell people what I see because I figure they can figure it out... but then it occured to me that its important, and maybe I have insight they don't have.

It occured to me that JM's fantasies that made me feel uncomfortable were maybe a result of wanting to control love. And as I was texting him that.... it occured to me that T. also is trying to control love in a different way... and really we all are. We are all trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt that we try and protect ourselves from love.... and the only way we know how to do that is through control.

The crazy thing about love is it can't be controlled. It comes and it goes.... and if we are to enjoy it we have to accept that it will leave, and be thankful for what it gave us.... be thankful for what that person gave us. ultimately its coming to peace with death.... but before that, its coming to terms with the end of things, with the loss of things.

So.... I ended up writing T a letter. It was all of my interpretation of what has gone on. I realized that I have to honour myself in knowing what I know.... and I felt like it would be great to share it with T, because I have been functioning on the premise that I am right about him.... but I really don't know... and maybe he doesn't even know... so if I shared theletter, maybe he would gain the insight he needs... and I would have confirmation that I DO know him as well as I think.... and that would also prove to him that I know him.

I think him responding and sharing that things weren't going very well for him gave me the proof I needed that he does trust me... and in what ever capacity he can, he loves me. If he didn't like me he would never have responded and he certainly wouldn't have shared so intimately.

So.... the letter came from the validation that how I felt was real.... that he felt it too... but that something happened to make him run away.

The next day I texted him to tell him about the letter and how scared  I was to share it with him, but felt like it may help to bring clarity and that maybe he could come over and I could share it. nothing

By the evening I felt like he needed a kick in the ass, like he had asked, and told him to find his balls and stop being so scared of life and be spontaneous and come over. NOTHING.

Last night I found myself feeling pretty upset that I had waited 3 months.... that T was finally willing to try to come back in mylife.... I supported him when he needed me.... and then I was relegated back to the corners of his life.... that he couldn't even respond pissed me off more than hurt.

I found myself realizing that I feel like I deserve more and that it makes me feel uncomfortable to want more, because its acknowledging that all that someone can give me isn't enough.... and I feel bad as though I am judging them. But I have to realize that I am as special and as wonderful as I am... and I really need to respect that.... and so I texted JM that I think we should stop what we were doing... that I didn't feel cared for during sex and that I should respect him enough to tell him its not working for me before he gets too attached.

I just feel like he is at a totally different space in his life. He doesn't believe in what I believe in, so there is no hope for a relationship, and if its just for sex... and I'm not feeling good about it... then there is no point.

I'll be honest, I have never been in that position before... having to respect that I knew first and to not drag it out. I also felt weird deciding that I wanted to give up sex.... for nothing.

but after I felt relieved.

Which lead me into how I ultimately feel about T.

this is the succession of texts I sent... and the evolution of my emotions.
***********
Jan 19. 9:49am

I had a moment of real clarity last night and realized that you and I both dont know if we are on the same page...If we are running at the same frequency....And I have spent three months analyzing you and myself trying to understant everything.

I realized I'm scared to share wh I have figured out about you...And so I found the courage to write you a letter with my interpretation of whats happened....And maybe whats going on with you now.

It occured to me that you may not even know and maybe I could offer insight. and help.

I know if I dont tell you now, I'll fold it up and keep it because it scares me so much to share my thoughts.

So I'm just going to tell you I have this letter. If you want to hear an objective opinion of you...

If I'm right it will offer you insight into things you may not have considered and if I'm wrong I really dont understand you and we really are on different frequencies.

Me wanting to see you has no hidden agenda. I just want to make peace and see if we can get along as friends.

I know I'm like this little tornado in your life where things feel like they are falling a part and that seeing me may feel unbearable when you are attempting to figure out everything else in your life....that you don't need me to add to everything but I think I can help if you let me.

I'm not going to mention this letter again. Its my gift if you'll let yoursel be vulnerable.... and let me be vulnerable...If you can try not to be so in control of everything... andd throw caution to the wind and see me....I can share it.

Its hand written because my computer wouldn't work and I fell asleep last night writing it.

To be honest right now I dont even know everything Ive written...and if I reread it...Ill be too scared to tell you....but I think...in my heart I may understand you better than you may think...and maybe I'm supposed to share it....Well thats what my heart is saying.

Do what scares you the most. this scares me the most....so Im going to find the courage to hit send. Before I wake up too much and rationalize away why it is rude to share my insight with you.....Accept this all sounds crazy....but hope I'm right that you may just understand  my unique craziness...And this is what you are looking for...But it would be impossible for you to ask.

My heart makes me do rediculously scary things like....

An idea of what I am alluding to? That I realized that when you met me I was like a little bomb went off in your already chaotic life and you just didn't know what to do with me....I triggered so  much in you that it was impossible to have me around because you were trying to keep everything else afloat.... And I threatened that. You didn't know how to not hurt me or yourself and maybe you still dont but you dont know how to express that... you want to have more stability and be happier before you see me... but maybe just maybe... seeing me is what might make you happier. If Im right.

If I'm wrong youll just continue to ignore me like youve been doing again since we started talking again... and Ill just sit here and wait for you to get the courage to tell me whats really going on with you.

*****

I'm going to have an anxiety attack sending that to you. I know its a lot and you told me not too much... but my heart said to tell you.. and I have to listen to it. sorry.
****

January 9,, 2013 1:53 pm

I dont know if you got that. But if you did its intense... I know I'm intense and scary... I just hope you can find your courage and see that I only have honourable good intentions. Be spontaneous. Cancel your plans and come over... see for yourself if what I have to say can help.. if who I am helps.. And if you feel better after seeing me. Please.

******

January 9. 5:22 pm.

K... well I live at ---- So if you can find your heart again... and stop having to control every little thing in your life for one night... then I am free tonight.

I have tutoring from 6-8 and then as far as I know I am free.

So find your balls. And just come have fun and stop making me have to tip toe around you like you are completely fragile. Own up to your heart. I promise itll be fun... no control= freedom=happiness

****

January 19. 8:38pm

Im picking up a bottle of wine and heading home. You going to stop being so scared of life and come?

****January 19. 8:53 pm.

you said you wanted a kick in the ass. This is it. I have nthing else.

*****
January 19 11:02 pm

If you are going to change anything in your life that isnt going well its going to require a huge leap of faith. Thats what your heart needs. A leap of faith.

***
I'm going to type up the letter and send it to you and when you are ready to leap and trust me and the feelings you feel about me... you can let me know.

****

January 20 11:57 am.

I think you treat strangers and people you dont like better than me. You trust me and yet you relegate me to the far corner of your life as though any more is threatening. I love you. But after the distance you created over the past two months.. I atleast deserved honesty and communication. I have earned your respect. In fact I would bet I have stuck by you and trusted you more than most people in your life. I cant believe I havent been able to get you to see your own worth and that there are far more important things to focus on besides the worries you obsess over.

My dad had a heart attack and 2 strokes last month, my friend's daghter dies and I have 40$ in my bank account right now and none of my family will help me out... and the man I feel most like ignores me like the plague. I have been struggling to get through my life... and school... believing its all happening as it should.. and you are focused on a woman who treats you like shit, a job that pays you well, money problems based on some crazy future notion.. and not now.. and your girls who are absolutely fine. If you just refocused your attention... you'd be fine. But I cant force you to be present and happy

****

January 10, 12:10pm

You should be thankful to have me. Not resentful. And its your choice. I think you actually enjoy being sad and feeling like no one loves you... case I'm here loving you and you want nothing to do with me. You make me crazy...you are the most stubborn man I have ever met!

And I think you feel like you are an enigma because you dont know what your heart wants... and if you do you get mad at yourself for wanting what you want... you dont trust yourself. Life isnt as aweful or as serious as you think. You are allowed to play and fall down and not have it all run smoothly. Its unpredictable.. and I think I finally understand why yo keep me at bay. Because you cant control me.. and you dont like anything you cant control.

*****

January 20. 12:30 pm

But your heart loves that I shake things up for you. Craves change.. I think I am your battle between your head and your heart. You dont have to know the future... jst let me hold your hand while you figre it out.

******

*****

and that's where we are. I am not upset.... I know that the past 3 months had to happen precisely as they did. I followed my heart right into knowing I truly deserve more. Before it was forced... before I was trying to convince myself... now I feel it.

I do love him.. and there is no judgment... there's no he's bad or I'm bad... its just I deserve more than hes giving me.

I felt like I deserved more after J. But this is the first time that I am truly choosing to be alone. Its a scary thought... but I can't think about for how long.. or if I am ever going to find him. I simply have to accept right now I no longer want to have men in my life that are going to disrespect me and not value my time or my love.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I had been feeling that the time for T and I wasn't right yet because power was unbalanced... and becase of his behaviours I hadn't been able to be insecure.... that I needed to feel safe before anything could happen... and I didn't.... and don't.

I think that when I get to the point of wanting to leave its usually becase I'm angry, which causes me to push and pull myself from wanting nothing.. to wanting everything... instead of just letting go of trying to control anything.... I think I may have just found my balance.

I knew I couldn't be in a relationship again until I was ready to let them go if they did not treat me properly.. and I think I may have just arrived there.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I wanted to leave J. And I knew that I would have to learn how to cut that time. I thought when I met T... and we subsequently had our issues that I would be able to walk away.. but I just couldn't. Clearly becase I had yet to go through everything I did this fall... and get to the point where I really do believe I am a huge catch.. and value myself enough... know myself well enough, to want what I want and make no appologies for it..... its been a long road.... but I think I may just be getting to the end.... where I can deal with conflict from an objective stand point.. based purely on being present and aware to what is going on... not making any judgments and letting it go the way its going to go.

Like Osho says - the watercourse way.... no competition.. always take the lowest ground.... also known as the path of least resistance.

The other trick I'm finding is it comes from my heart.. not my head. This is not a rationalized slew of texts.... its what my heart was saying... feeling.. in the moment. That I want to be treated better by the man I love.

So we'll see :)
night.

My truth

I cannot write fast enough. I know that how I am feeling right now is my authentic self speaking... just like every other time I have written in here. It comes from my heart, from my spirit, and the relief I feel about letting these emotions come to the surface is a glimpse of the fear and the freedom.

I have been scared of my own truth. I have been scared that my truth is tainted, that it isn't the truth and so I have kept silent in so many ways. Perhaps that is why this blog has been so theraputic. Because I talk about all the parts of me that I can sometimes be fearful of sharing.

I am realizing on this very day, that I have been protecting people from themselves. I carry that burden... why? I think maybe because I don't think they are strong enough.... that they don't see, so how am I supposed to tell them?

I also see I have been scared of telling people my truth because I am scared to lose them.

I finally have someone who has been through a loss as great as mine, and instead of trying to move on and suppress her feelings, she is embracing them. I am teaching her, guiding her through 10 years of my own personal suffering, encouraging her to deal and accept her emotions in a way no one knew how to do for me... and I am finding solace, I am finding peace... and I am finding family.

In her heart she is me. Her daughter died at 20 and my mother died when I was 20 and so we are living the same experience from two different sides of the coin.

and I won't let her make the same mistakes I did.

I was young. I was scared... I didn't know any better, but now I do... and I am attempting to find the courage in me to speak my authentic truth.

I have wondered why I have supressed these emotions for so long, and the truth is that I have known that I could not speak until my emotions could be handled... until I could speak to the facts and not get caught up in my own experience of them... I knew I had to get to a point where I forgave everyone, before I spoke, so that it wouldn't be vindictive.... it was simply the truth... and I feel like I am finally coming into that space....

I love my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without having struggled... and so the result is that I know that you have to struggle to grow, you have to face your fears to grow... you have to look at yourself and be honest with yourself in order to grow.

and so I have to let go of the burden of trying to save people. I have wanted to love people so they can see they are lovable, but what I see now, is that I am not loving myself because I am supressing myself. I am not loving them because I do not trust they know what's best for them.

So I vow. To find the strength to tell people the truth. Without judgement.... so they can find themselves...

I just wrote this:

Lol. Ya im feeling the same way. Its scaring the shit out of me but I have been feeling it for a very long time.. But I was scared. I was scared id be all alone in the world if I stood up for myself. But with you, and Carissa and my mom in my heart. I have true family. I know im not alone anymore. And the truth is the most important thing. I understand why people make the decisions they do... But they are oblivious to it. My compassion is so deep that I forgive people... But the time is coming for me to step into who I am and open peoples eyes to the truth of their own character. No judgment... just truth. Freedom from suppression... From putting myself in this box my whole life. for everyone who ever took advantage of my kindness. I am coming of age. And the whole world is going to know how you have treated me. So if you have any regrets. My advice. Come clean. Heal. Admit your wrong doings..  the legacy you leave will be my voice. I will always love you. I see in your heart you dont love yourself thats why you have behaved the way you have... Because how we treat others is the way we treat ourselves. Be honest with yourself. I love you even though youve hurt me. You are lovable... But you have to know who you really are to change... And ive been protecting you from yourselves for too long. I cant do it anymore. You create your own life. No wonder ive been struggling for my entire adult life... Ive been holding on to your shit... Im releasing myself from having to navigate you. you have to be  authentic with yourself and with me.its the only way to self love.
Ah I cant wait for the courage. I am no longer going to hold on to anything. I release you from me....into your own being... Into yourselves because I cant save you. You have to save yourselves.
Xoxoxo

*****************************

I've been thinking lately about my future in public speaking, and I have been scared that if I speak the truth about my family I am going to hurt them the way they hurt me..... I have even been thinking I am going to have to not talk about my whole experience because I don't want to hurt them... and now I am seeing, I have to free myself from that burden. I have to free myself from trying to control the situation and find love. That I have love inside of me... I know I am loved, and I can no longer protect people from themselves.

So many people have hurt me.... and they need to know. Not that I need or want anything from them... but that they need to hear the trith of themselves.. and I need to let go controlling myself.

The world can handle my sadness. I have to believe that my truth is the only way to set myself free, and the people I tell, can either embrace the truth and change, or stay the same and suffer. That is their choice. But no longer my own.

I am so scared, and so I know its the right thing to do.

******************************************************************


I have thought I was selfish because of money, but now I see it is not money I was ever after, I was after support to go after my dreams, and there is no shame in that. I have to believe that morlity comes from intention, not outcome... and if the intention is out of love it has to be true.

I have hurt a lot, I have been rejected a lot... and I have been scared to be rejected and hurt again... but through this whole experience I am starting to see that no one could hurt me as deeply as my mother dying, as being hit by the man I love, by having my family not support me when my mother died.... that I have been scared to be hurt because I hadn't dealt with the pain of all of things... and now that I am.... now that I have come to peace with so much in my life.. now that they no longer trigger me to hate my life and hate myself... I am left with truth.

I love people. I love people even when they go on hurting me. I had to forgive them, and myself for not knowing any better, but the little girl inside of me is screaming to be taken care of.. and I am finally coming to the age where I am mature enough to stop taking things personally...accept my life for the beauty it is... and without any pain, share my story.

To my step father:

I have been terrified to write this letter to you for 10 years. I have always been scared to lose you.. you were/are a staple in my life, and its hard to imagine life without you... but I am finally at a point where my truth speaks louder than my fear. My love for myself speaks louder than anything else...and so I am letting go of having to control the outcome of this experience. I have to be true.

I love you. I always have and I always will.

I have felt hurt beyond measure as a result of many of your actions.
I have wanted to be loved so badly that I try and pretend our history has not happened.
I want to be whole and in love with myself.... and so the time has come for me to find the courage to admit my own experience.

You came into my life at a critical moment, and I will forever be thankful for what you did for my mother and I. I have felt in debt to you for taking care of my mother while she died, when I was not emotionally, spiritually or monetarily available to handle the situation.

I have come to terms with my mothers death, along with everything else in my life and as a result I am finally seeing everything in a new light. From truth, not from judgement. Not from pain, but from light.

Everything has happened just as it should. I am not angry. I simply have to be authentic with myself. I now can see I have been protecting myself from more hurt, and protecting you from yourself.... and I can no longer assume that you are too fragile to handle it.

I do not know what will come from this letter. I am not cutting you out, but I am also not going to continue to make an effort when I feel the effort has never been reciprocated.

I believe my mother died because she got off her path.... I have analyzed it and sought truth for 10 years.. I know my mother could have survived but she would have had to have found her own truth, and she was too scared to do that...and so, as death is so dramatic, the stop watch was reset and I have been given the gift of knowledge from my mother and my own life. .. the knowledge that if you don't deal with your shit you get sick.

I refuse to die young... I am scared of the person I am meant to be... but I have to find the courage to embrace my truth... and become everything I was born to be.

****

something came up.. I'll have to finish this some other time.

He texted.

I don't know if I should write this here.. I wanted to just write in my diary.. and keep this for myself... but this whole blog has been about this lately... so I figred I owed it to myself to share what was really going on.... for the few of you that read this.

he texted.

it happened and I have never been happier for anything in my whole life. its weird. I sat here and actually said out loud. "this is happening" "this just happened... oh my god this is happening. " with the biggest smile on my face.

I really had just lost all hope. I was texting him over the past week... beating myself up constantly... it was excruciating... just wanting so badly for him to write back.. agonizing about what I could possibly say for him to feel comfortable....

I guess I got to the point where I realized that if we are as alike as I think.. then I must know how he feels.. somewhere inside me I have to be able to figure it out.

what I figured out... and its completely my hypothesis.. but I think I may actually be right... is that I didn't really wait and pay attention to where he was at in his life. He told me... but I guess I didn't listen... or thought it wasn't a big deal.. or wanted him so badly that I couldn't see the truth... I have no idea... but whatever it was I couldn't see it.... it was all about me.

He is dealing with a divorce... in fact I think he may not even be divorced yet and just separated... he had vowed to always stay married because of what he saw in his own life and how he was so hurt from his parents breaking up that he never wanted to do that to his kids.... so he sort of must feal a little like a failure.... so not only did what he wanted more than anything in his life not work out.. but she cheated on him and ended up staying with the guy..meanwhile shes a complete bitch to him.. let me tell you the things I have fantasized about saying to her... lol

He has these two little girls that he is desperately trying not to fuck up and hes scared shitless about taking care of them. Plus he has this job that is incredibly unfulfilling... but gives him some form of security when everything around him feels unstable. His mom isn't supportive.. and she's this crazy hippy who pretends to not be.... and is all broken and avoids being loved.... he loved teaching but lost it and doesn't really know if its what hes supposed to do... but hes like me and has wanted to change the world... known deep down inside that he's meant to change the world.... but in his eyes can't see the whole plan yet and its scaring the shit out of him. I think he feels like a failure... and so doesn't really have much to give himself.. let alone anyone else...

he was dating casually, but nothing serious.. and seemed like he was beating himself up for that too.. he even said to me once that he wants to stop because thats not the kind of guy he is.. as though its somehow wrong to want to have sex once your heart is broken... he's unorganized and doesn't know what he wants becase everything he thought he wanted turne out to be wrong.... he's trying to see it... understand why its all happening.. but hes in the thick of it and then I showed up.

I realized I was like a bomb in his life when he couldn't handle anything.... needing attention.. demanding attention.. and not understanding where he was.... expecting to just jump into something when I didn't even know how his days go...and he didn't expect me... he wasn't looking for me.. and I can be full fledge INTENSE.

I'm not mad at myself... I feel like it had to all happen the way it did.... but I got to this point this week where I just... I can't go on the rest of my life without talking to him ever again. I just can't. I need to talk to him. I need him in my life. however he needs to be. I need him. I have learned so much about myself over the past 3 months... and I know that I wasn't ready for a relationship.. in fact I don't think I still am.. there is alot I still need to work on in myself to become the person I really want to be.

But when I met him... the love was so strong I just couldn't back down.. and I wanted him to love me for me.... so I had to be true to myself... and lets be honest... he pretty much knows all my crazies now lol. I totally have become stronger and more understanding.... and realize that when I get ahead of life it doesn't work...only when I am here.. in the moment is it on fire... everything works. and so... over the past two weeks I have kept writing him.... every time I do I beat myself up for being so persistent.... feeling like I am a retard.. everytime I write him its this spontaneous thing... I cringe at the thought.. and then tell myself... well he already thinks your crazy... so really at this point you have nothing to lose... and these are the texts.

so first I sent him an email

December 23, 2012

coffee? peace?
A.

December 25th, 2012

I woke up in the morning on Christmas and alll I could think of was him.. hoping that he got to see his kids.. hoping he wasn't alone, I had wanted to ask him but knew he wouldn't respond... and so I simply wrote

T. I hope you and --- and --- have a lovely Christmas. All the best in the new year :)
A.

Then on December 28th, 2012 Igot this weird feeling like maybe I could catch him spontaneously.... and really at the end of the day... how could he not just see me for a freaking drink... that I just wanted to see him. make peace and be ok with whatever between us. I called my friend N. who I had given his number too when I had deleted it the first time.. and asked her to send it to me. The first time I texted him since my birthday.

I texted

Hi. Its A.J. Would you be free to go out for a drink tonight?

NOTHING.

I felt stupid.. but then just told myself it was ok... New Years came and I really just let go.... I met this musician at the wedding and had the time of my life.. I was so honoured to be the maid of honour for my best friend... and I felt like I finally came home. I told the girls at the end of the night.. "I know yo lost me for the past decade... bt I really want to come back." Kris said "the door is always open."

I am so freaking lucky to have those girls.. loving me through everything.

JM, the musician and I ended up going back to the hotel with some other people, hanging out and playing msic....

actually it was interesting that night... we danced together and then would split up.. I would look for him and would get that anxiety like I do sometimes at the bar when I meet someone I like... that he's going to dissapear and I am going to lose my chance.... bt then I would just tell myself.... let it be.. whatever happens is what is spposed to happen.

it was weird... no attachment.. just fun.

We shared a bed that night.... honestly? because we are both retarded.. well I am a retard and didn't realize I needed to find a place to sleep.... until the day of the wedding.. I'm not exacctly sure how I didn't know that... I mean its a pretty obvious thing. but i didn't... I couldn't tell Kris cause I didn't want to stress her out soI just told myself it would work out... then a girl at the wedding that I knew told me I could sleep in her room... so I was relieved... then I met JM and he hadn't planned to stay either... so he didn't have a place to stay.. so when this couple invited us to party with them I asked if it would be ok if we stayed in their room and they said yes.

So JM and I shared a bed and it was so much fun...
we ended up making out and it was so innocent because we were in the same room as this couple who was being very generous.... so we were like teenagers.... so much fun!

The next day we ended up getting our cars back.. and then going for breakfast where we saw both the bride and groom's parents.... it was lovely.. and we just chatted and hung out and ate... the grooms parents ended up telling s the story about how they met and it was an awesome story.... then JM and I just sat out in the car for hours talking.. it was weird... he ended up telling me all about these crazy things in his life... we talked about past relationships and sex... and just alot of our shit.... and we totally turned eachother on.

we ended up going for a drive up the escarpment and then making out in the car on the side of the road. I ended up asking him if he would want to come visit and he said yes... basically I really wanted to have sex with him.

I got home that night and the next afternoon I was in and out of catching up on sleep and I ended up having that feeling again where I want to write T. and so I wrote

January 2, 2013

3:05 pm.
hope your new years was good. How are your feelings on getting together and making peace... and starting off the year with a clean slate?

NOTHING.

3:32pm
I know you may think I am crazy for even wanting to talk to you still after ignoring me for two months. But I would prefer nor being intimidated and awkward around you when I run into you... And I believe everyday is a new day to be different. I wasn't going to ask but I figured Id give you the benefit of the doubt again.

I didn't want to sound pissed off... but I wanted to convey that this is really hard.... to keep hoping.. and really I just don't want to be awkward... I just want to make peace... that's it.

NOTHING.

so the next day... I randomly texted JM and asked if he wanted to be spontaneous and come up that night.... and he did.

We had the best time.... and I had so mch sex. lol... it felt amazing. We spent the entire day in bed the first day... he played music for me and told me he really liked my smile.

BUT. he had some weird fantasies.... it was interesting though.. because I .. for the first time inmy life wasn't thinking about dating this guy.... simply put.. he didn't even begin to wave a candle at how T made me feel.... and so I knew it wasn't a long term thing... but I was ok with whatever it was for the moment and so thats how I treated it.. whatever happened happened... no judgement.... so he shared his fantasies.. and I played along.. and I had great sex... lol

We ended up randomly going to Ottawa together and walking around it was awesome... we even went skating.

I haven't been skating in a decade. I even got my skates sharpened the night he came. The skates I haven't worn since I was 18 visiting my mother in Ottawa and I would skate the canal by myself.... I haven't touched those skates since she died... and I put them back on in Ottawa... it was like I was making peace with my past....

and ironically because JM shared all these fantasies with me.. I shared mine with him.. and I realized that I have literally been sexual since I was born... things I have never told anyone I was telling him about kissing tag with the boys and touching this boys penis... about how he was my neighbor and we would hide nder my blankets and I asked him if I could see his penis and touch it... I remember he was way more nervous and weirded out than me.... I was always facinated.

I even remember showing the boys in my preschool my vagina and what? maybe 4?

I told him about the first time I was fingered... in the bar in Japan.. how my first kiss was with this random brazillian guy... that I had thought my first kiss would be this romantic kiss with someone who loved me..but by 16 I just didn't care anymore...it was Christmas eve.. I was 17... . and how I kissed 8 guys that new years eve.

I told him about how I never had a boyfriend or anything in highschool.... and it made me crazy.. and so I went to banff and I actually went a little crazy.. I told him about making out with this one guy on a bench over looking the water.. and another guy in an ally....about the first time a guy went down on me...

about what it felt like when I went to university.. making out with guys.. but never having sex.... wanting to save it... and knowing that the second I had sex... nothing would stop me....and thats what happened. about how my first bf chated on me.. and the next guy I slept with was in the back of his car outside my dorm .. he asked me for my number after and I looked at him and said "you just fucked me in the back of your car. why would I want to give you my number? you don't respect me!"

I even got so true with myself that I told him weird fantasies that I have had in my life.. and related them to how I was feeling about myself at the time.... I understood.. and didn't judge and through that I started remembering who I am is really sexal and I was born this way... I think I made peace with my sexuality.

When we got home from Ottawa we had sex again... he played for a few hours while I lay in bed and then said he wanted to leave that night. I was shocked... and dissapointed.. I wanted to cuddle more... lay in bed and slked a little. He came in and asked what was wrong and I told him that I was dissapointed.. but nderstood and to just give me a couple minutes I will get over it.

The coversation I had with myself was really interesting. I asked myself why I was so upset.... that he was leaving... but I didn't want to date him... and the whole time was lovely because it was spontaneous.. that I couldn't guilt him into staying and that we hada lovely time..and if he was ready to leave then I needed to be too.

He wanted to cook food before he left so i lay in bed and told him what to cook and how to cook it... so he made dinner.. I finally got out of bed to enjoy the last few minutes with him and have his company. He left.

and I was happy. before he left I told him that it was so nice to have him.. that I feel like I made peace with parts of me.. and it was nice to just hang out with no expectations.... lol at one point I actually said " so when you want to get laid again give me a call..."  realized what I had said and then said "well isn't that telling about what I think of men.. lol.... "

he texted when he got home.... that he made it to the farmers market and that he was going to sleep.

I woke up around 10:30 and lay in bed... and then the voice inside me said "get the fuck up.. T is at the farmers market... I wanted to ignore it.. but I couldn't

I got out of bed and got ready and went to the farmers market.

I looked for him... but nothing... in fact I sat in the parking lot for an hour after wondering if he would randomly show up.... the feeling was so strong...

and by 12 I was sitting in my car and I wrote

January 5th, 2012
12:02pm
"Is there anything I could say to make you feel comfortable. "

I was lost. I realized there I was waiting to see him..bump into him... I just can't let this go... and I would do anything.. anything to talk to him again.

he made me feel amazing when I was around him... and I can't not have him in my life.

NOTHING.

4:27 pm
"why am I so scary?"

at this point I just couldn't understand.... how he could not want to talk to me... why he was so scared of me..I was so confused... which is when I really started to understand... that I hadn't seen that he had nothing to give me. He was either protecting himself.. or protecting me.... whichever it was... he didn't have to and I needed to show him that he didn't need to be scared. That I had come to a point where I was ok with whatever... I just know that I want him as a friend.

by 9:44 I was desperate.
I wrote

"I don't know how you can do this... I don't know if you are trying to protect me.. Or protect yourself bt your silence hurts and denies everything we talked about... Everything we shared. I know I cant do anything more. Bt I feel incredibly powerless and its very difficult to just let it be. Everytime I say goodbye.. It hurts and everytime I'm vlnerable and put myself out there  hoping you will change your mind and talk to me.. just to be ignored it hurts... I don't know what to do.

I was completely vlnerable. naked in my confusion.. in my frustration.

I went to a party that night.... I had so much fun.. and then ended up downtown randomly.... met a bunch of people.. talked to a bunch of people... and came home at 4am.

Today was a crazy random day trying to get to my car.. my charger was in my car so my phone was dead.. my friend was supposed to come visit but couldn't remember the address... so she ended up driving the whole way and then driving home because I didn't have my phone... it was fucked.

I ended up going for a walk trying to find my cat... which by the way hasn't returnedyet and I am getting worried... man I love that cat.
and on my walk I was beating myself up again for texting him and then I heard myself say "no A..... you were invented this way... yo couldn't be any different.. there are no mistakes in this.... its happening exactly as it needs to.. just accept it...

I got home
at 3:42 today I wrote this:

"we;;. Ive grown a lot in the past few months... I realize now that I wasn't ready to be receptive and I didn't respect where you were at in life. I know it would be difficlt to believe but I really just want to be a friend... respect that you don't want to date me and not have me react poorly to that. I really just want to chat... You were the best conversation I have ever had and it would just be nice to have you in my life and forgive me for being an emotional girl and contributing to the chaos. If you change your mind I'd like to invite you to the farm... We can go for a walk and catch up.. We don't even have to talk about what happened between us... just start from scratch. If not well I guess I have to find the strngth to accpet this and see you when I see you. Please just say hi so I don't feel like a parriya.

At this point I finally realized what I wrote at the start of this entry... that he has broken pieces.. and I didn't listen... I wanted to be loved so much... I couldn't really and trully love him... but all the growth I have gone through has brought me to a place where I really can accept what is... and what is is that he does not want to date me... for whatever reason that is.. he has a lot of shit and if I want him in my life I have to not contribute to the burden.

friends. thats it.

then tonight i start watching this movie called "what's your number" and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. It was me in a movie. half way through I was laughing so hard I had to tell my girlfriends... so I paused it and texted or called them.... then I got the text.

I can't even tell you what it felt like.. I was literally shaking seeing his name. I couldn't even believe it and it simply said :

Janaury 6, 2013

Hi. We can start slowly I'mopen to that. My lifeis in a total flux. I can't handle much beyond getting up each day and getting through it. So added stress is not something I want. Nor any pressre on any level. I honestly don't even have much time for friendships. So take it for what its worth. Don't be offended or weird if it takes time for me to respond.

I have never been happier in my whole life. For something so small. communication. Thankful for communication. that's all I wanted....

it alsobroke my heart a little that he's suffering so much... and doesn't sound happy. and so... with all my might I simply wrote back

"ok. deal. :)"

and I wait.

I've never cared for another human being in my whole life. Where I am actually not thinking about myself... but rather entirely him... actually.. ironically it seems like I am going through the same thing with my biological father right now.

I have written 2 letters now that i have stopped writing because I feel like I am being too intense.. that I have to remember that he is fragile too.

and so I have to give them both only what they can handle...

the only reason I can is because I finally love myself enough that I am not looking for love... I can give it now.

I have to learn how to be receptive.. and this friendship has to happen at T's pace... only T's pace. and so I wait... til tomorrow, or maybe next week.. or maybe next month.... but that I have to keep myself in check.... because when I don't... we won't talk. I will lose him again.

So.. I've learned how to be present... realized that when I get a head of life... I freak out.. and when I am in the moment.... waiting for the next moment... I am available for life... for whatever my beautiful life has in store for me...and what an adventure it is :)

I'm so proud of myself for not giving up... for accepting myself for who I am. and for learning to love myself so I can love those around me.. and hopefully.. if he lets me.. I can atleast be a friend while he is going through all this.. and not want for anything more than to give..

crazy.

school starts tomorrow and I also beat a fear of mine down.. Ive been debating whether I should take the second pharm course. The first one almost killed me... you need a 65 in it to take the second and the only way to do acute in consolidation is to do the second pharm.. bt I've been scared... I haven't wanted to do acute cause it scares the shit out of me... and I don't want to take pharm cause it scares ths shit out of me... but I found myself telling myself that I have never ever closed a door on anything in my life.. and that I can't now. I may not do acute or even want to.. but I need to make sre I atleast have the option.. pls its good to learn all about the drugs. I won't get this kind of education anywhere else... and to not be scared... I got 70 in pharm.. somehow I did it... and so I can do this too..... I have to believe in myself. more......

so that's my day. now its getting late. I need to go to sleep and be ready for tomorrow. properly. :)

2012 - the year that changed everything

At the end of every year I sit down and reflect on the year...

I am leaving in the morning for my oldest and best friend's house... for her wedding in which I have been asked to be her maid of honour. a true honour. I never thought anyone would ask me to be their maid of honour. I felt that in my whole life no one was that close to me- no one felt that I was their best friend... so to be asked is truly an honour - one that has made me feel relatively inadequate.

I haven't understood why I haven't been able to feel the excitement... perhaps its because I just don't know what to say... I am so happy for her.. and so proud that she chose me as her maid of honour.. but don't feel like I deserve it.

My life has taught me many things... but being worthy was never one of them. I have spent the majority of my life hoping, praying that people will like me.. that a man will like me.. love me and prove to me that I really am worth it.

Its a belief.. that is so strong in me... and well my mother didn't even write me in the will.. so really, at the end of the day... the person I trusted more than anything in the world.... didn't look out for me...and so its hard to fight with that belief.... its so deep I barely know its there... my unworthiness.

I want to be a good person. but I want so desperately to love myself. its terrifying the things I have to do to honour myself....

This was the year of learning how to  really loving myself..although loving myself felt excruciating at times... I have to say this was the year that I finally listened to my heart.

I have looked back on my relationship with J and realized that I behaved in that relationship exactly as I should have... I stood up for myself whenever he would hurt my feelings... and yet I was compassionate, forgiving and kind.

Being hit was literally the scariest thing I have ever experienced... to have the man I love disconnect like that... it was weird... I'd never seen anything like that before.... or atleast not since I was a little kid... but to see in his eyes...emptiness.... and then to watch how he denied it had happened.... I had such compassion for him... but made him talk about it... feel what had happened... accept what happened.. as I did.

I promised myself that I would break up with him when I felt like he didn't care anymore... and I stayed true to my word.. even though it killed me inside.

I was unhappy and scared... and the life I was living was no longer the life I wanted for myself....

its funny how it all happened... I didn't even have to do anything.. it just happened. and I never cried less over anything in my life. I was so hurt... so deeply pissed off that he would be so cruel... and so thankful that I was no longer in the relationship.... that I felt free...

Feeling free was relative... because at first I felt so proud of myself... like I came out of the fires of freaking hell... and then I was worried about money - about my apartment...

at the same time all this shit happened with some girls at school and I basically hid the entire time.. spending most of my days alone.. to be honest I am not exactly sure what I did in that time.. watched TV, read and slept....

there were days in there that were unbearably sad... thank god my room mate was there... honestly.. thank god for facebook and being able to keep in touch with good people that kept encouraging me...and I gave everything to God. I couldn't bear it... so I got up every day.. did what I had to do and went back to sleep. I couldn't do anything more.

I loved the summer though...I would spend days out on the lawn just soaking up the sun... I loved watching the fireflies come out in the valley and listening to the birds come back.

This farm is what kept me sane during everything.. that when I felt like everything was falling apart... the beauty outside my doors made me feel like it was some how bearable.

When I found out Cody had cancer and was going into the hospital... I was overwhelmed with grief... and fear.... I didn't know what to do, or say.... but I did what I thought was the right thing to do. And in the end.. I think I did. I sent my love.. and support. I did what I thought I would want in that same situation.

Cody dying impacted me... I remember thinking that weekend that I wish I could be more rediculous like Cody - he was always making a fool out of himself and I loved that he just didn't care what people thought... I knew he did... but I liked that in a way he didn't... I vowed to be more relaxed and to not take life too seriously.. which by the way.. I have been failing at recently... lol

and then I met T. It honestly gave me hope...and I guess that's really all it was meant to do. I fell in love with T... because of all the ways he was like me... in the three months that I have analyzed what happened.. I have learned more about myself than ever before. I truly admire the person I have become... I mean, I still need to make money and be able to support myself... and I need smarter clothes... but I value myself in a way I have never felt before.

its hit or miss sometimes... but the biggest difference between how I feel about T and how I felt about Matt was T, I never once thought he didn't like me... like I had done something wrong... and that has changed everything in my heart. Everytime I ask myself if I did anything wrong.. the answer is nope.. you just followed your heart. and there is never anything wrong with that... I didn't know where the road was going to take me... and its taken me here.... its been a doozy... but I was myself from day one... I wanted him to love me.... but I wasn't going to change...

it's a funny thing realizing that you really like yourself... because there are a lot of people that don't agree... it's difficult being self critical and wanting to truly know myself... and yet not internalizing all the bullshit.

The hardest thing about letting go of T. is that I felt the only reason it all fell a part, was not that he didn't feel the same way as me.. but rather I represented all that he wanted but was scared to have... I represented his mother... and the part he loved so much about her was also the part he hated about her... and so he couldn't possibly want me... if he didn't like that about his mom.

I wanted to teach him to love himself... but we are all on different journeys... and I am so tired of having men in my life that aren't ready for love. But then I guess I have not been ready for love either.... scared of the person I am.. I am intense. that I am sure of... and although a lot of people criticize me for it.. I feel it is one of my best qualities... in fact.. it was something I truly loved about T.... he was just as intense as me... I learned to honour and love myself.. I learned that I am addicted to people who can't love me back.. andeven though I know that... it's difficult to break the addiction.

To not feel sorry for myself... but rather choose to step away. I have to.

It's crazy how many other things happened this fall, with school being incredibly intense... no job... finding out about J's new girlfriend (which btw I found out he proposed to her on Christmas eve)... to Carissa dying.

It's fucked. this year has been totally fucked.

This fall I started off well, joined yoga and kung fu.. was eating properly and waking up early... but I quickly lost my fire. I seriously can't believe I got through this semester.

C.  dying changed me. It taught me what it felt like to really be there for someone... to be able to handle the most difficuly of situations with grace, love and compassion. I was honoured to be able to help L. and her family out and thankful that I had the life experience that taught me how.

This year was the year I became thankful for my own life. and realized that the people that do not support me, don't know how... because they have never walked in my shoes... and those that have.. those are the most compassionate.

This year taught me strength beyond measure.. and perseverence... I cannot begin to believe that I even passed my courses.

To finally.. having my step father have the heart attack and strokes... and rebuilding bridges between me and my family.

The best thing that happened to me this year was the letters from my biological father. What a treat...in the midst of all the chaos.. a little girl's dream came true.

Finding out J. is engaged.... is interesting.. 6 months ago it would have destroyed me... but now I can only be happy for the man I was once in love with.. and accept that that was NOT my path.

and so I go into the new year with hope. Hope that I have gained unsumountable strength for whatever life has in store for me.. that I am capable, strong and resilient.

This year taught me that I will survive. That I looked back on my life and I was thankful.. I am thankful for everything good and everything bad.. and have finally accepted it for what it truly is.

life.

2012 changed my life.

and now I am heading into 2013 with my oldest friends... women that I have shared my entire life with... with our mothers.... although my mother cannot be there in body... I know she will be there in spirit.. we will drink and dance the night away... celebrating the start of 2013 with love... and thankfulness for all the beauty life has bestowed upon us.
namaste.
A.

unrequited love

Unrequited love.

Love is the most confusing emotion I encounter. I completely understand why we all get so resigned about it. Love requires both parties.

I understand why in fairytales no spell can control love – because unless it is freely given it isn't love.

This past year has been unbelievably difficult.... I feel at times I want to understand my life so badly I analyze it so much... I avoid the feelings that accompanies the analysis.

Losing J. was unbelievably painful... but I can barely even remember – part of me thinks its because it hurts so deeply that I avoid it.. and the other part of me feels that I just moved forward and accepted that it was meant to happen exactly as it did.

Losing T. on the other hand... is totally fucked. J never made me feel the way T. did... not in a year and a half did I feel understood.

Every time I say to myself 'enough' I think about him even more... everytime I keep hoping it hurts... nothing I do takes away the frustration of having a man like that not reciprocate my feelings...

to be so sure – to see more clearly than I have ever felt before – and then it strip me down – strip me down so much that I feel resigned to love.

Its one of those things that I just can't understand... and there is a part of me that resents the universe for putting him in my life only to take him away.

I don't know if T. was there to show me what else I could have so that I could let go of J. easier and faster... I don't know if I was deluded when I met him... I don't know if he was just trying to protect me from himself... I don't know if he did just really not like me... I just don't understand.. and with no explanation – with no relatedness on his part I have been left in completely limbo.

I've been here before... with Matt. I was shocked to figure out he really wasn't the one.... and I guess the same is true for T.... but god.. its so difficult to believe that...

Its difficult to understand how I could fall so desperately in love with him so quickly... to let myself fall... knowing that I was going to get hurt... to be so sure that he felt the same way... to be so wrong.

I know everything happens for a reason.. but god.. this fucking sucks...

I keep trying to remind myself that someone is out there.. that will click with me like T. did... but this time reciprocate my feelings... but to be honest... I don't know if I believe that... we clicked in so many ways.. it was weird... and exciting... I guess its having faith that if it happened once... it could happen twice.

I caved and wrote him just before Christmas “coffee? Peace?”

I thought he would no doubt say yes... that after seeing me in the bar – would want to see me again...and remove this tension between us... but no... nothing.

I told myself... no more.. but then on Christmas day I wrote to say Merry Christmas... and then... last night... when I was sooooo frustrated and I just wanted to talk to him I got his number from a friend (who has been keeping it after I deleted it) and wrote him “are you free for a drink tonight?”

This is where I have no idea about human beings... I have never ignored anyone intentionally.. and so many people I have encountered have this technique down pat... its painful to be cut out of someones life... right now my best friend is also using this technique on me.. and I swear... it makes me go crazy..

trying to figure out how I can break the silence. Feeling like there is nothing I can do.... and yet wanting to so desperately... writing letters hoping that the other person will have some level of compassion that they will write me back.. and just let me know where they are at... just even a check in – like – hey, I'm sorry I am just still trying to process this... I will be in touch soon.” anything...

I want to just forget about both of them... pretend like it doesn't hurt.. and tell myself that I don't give a shit... but that isn't me. I hate this feeling.. and so I would never do it to someone else. But really.. I don't know what hurts more... being the person trying to get attention from someone and having them so coldly ignore you... or being the person who is so closed off that they can't even talk.

I'd like to say I don't give a shit about T... but if I said that I would be ignoring how I felt over the past 3 months.... I can't not give a shit about someone I love.

UGH

So.. a thought that recently occurred to me was that the universe may not be giving me what I want because I don't seem to know what I want...

I was looking at how I was processing the whole T thing and I noticed that as the course of time progressed I kept wanting less and less in a relationship... ok with just friends... being ok with just letters at the very least... I found myself being ok that he had children... to accepting that if I was with him I wouldn't be able to have my own...

Forcing myself to let him go found me feeling like I don't even know if I really want children.. and I don't even know if I want have the relationship I once thought I did....

Kids scare the shit out of me. I don't even have enough organizational skills to take care of myself – let alone a child.... I still think I would fuck them up.. which is totally rediculous.

I have just found that in order to accept what I have in front of me... I keep letting go of the things I have wanted since I was really young.

What I WANT?

I want a man to look at me and think that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met, inside and out. That he feels astonishingly lucky to have me.... and I feel the same way about him. I want to feel like I came home.. to a man that makes me feel safe, understood and loved unconditionally.

I want a relationship where we don't play games... but just talk about what is going on for us.. and help each other out of the dark times instead of hiding.

I want to be madly, ridiculously in love.. and carefree about the future... just being so happy in the moments we get to spend together.... we don't care what will happen. I want to find my exact match, me in a man's body.

I want children – I want to love little people and give them hope.

I want a fairytale love... and I won't accept anything less...

and it scares the shit out of me that I will never have it.... and then be alone because I believed in fairytales...

writing that makes me realize that I really believe in that...and that I cannot become resigned.... that it has to happen.. because I have earned my wings.

I have earned my wings..... and I want someone to share my life with... I know we are always alone... but I really really really want someone to share my life with... to look at when I wake up... kiss, touch, love... I want to love someone so desperately and treat them the way they deserve.... take care of them while they take care of me.

But then I have these moments of convincing myself that that is asking for too much.... and because of T.... faith is fleeting.. because I never knew you could feel like that in a day.... and how he could not want that feeling is absolutely beyond me... so I am left more confused than I have ever been.

He loves me back... but can't have me around him... its totally fucked and it hurts more than I could possibly explain... to have someone look in my eyes and tell me that I was the most beautiful woman they have ever met, inside and out... to tell me he just wanted to hold me... to tell me he understood how lonely life could be.. and how lonely I must be... to kiss me and tell me that I want to do this but doesn't know if he knows how to be loved... To run.

And leave me trying to be the strong one.... while my heart is breaking... trying to keep it together... trying to understand.. trying to keep faith... when I've become a nothing in his life.

Its completely fucked up and I don't know what to do about it.. literally.. every time I try to do anything... there he is in my head.. in my heart and it makes me hate my heart... honestly.. it hurts so much I find myself resenting myself for loving and wanting him so badly.

Maybe its that what he said represented what I don't give myself... and I want to have someone who tells me that.. who understands to validate how I have felt over the past 30 years of my life.


I feel like I have been trying to keep my head above water for 30 years.. I swear... I feel like I'm always trying to prove myself to keep people around me... always worried about money.. always worried about how I am going to pay rent.. how I am going to succeed in life.. how I can prove myself to men so I will be loved... its fucked... I have never felt like there is a safety net under me... well since my mother died...

I feel like no one knows how to take care of me.. and I just want to be taken care of... supported. Loved. Even my friends don't quite understand me... T was the first time in my life that I felt completely understood.

I can't believe I understand life to the extent that I do.... and yet this shit just makes no sense.

So I just sit in this feeling.... recognizing that there is nothing I can do about it.... unrequited love is a bitch.

Christmas Miracle

There are moments in our lives where the truth of life is so blatantly obvious that it can't be denied.

This is one of those moments.

Feelings are difficult to express in the best of times – and although I typically wouldn't say I have difficulty expressing myself – this occasion was one where I was left relatively speechless.

As this unfolded I was left almost in shock - I was trying to figre out how I could adequately express how I felt and feel - and the only thing I could think of was honesty and context - So I offer this letter with humblest gratitude and I hope it shed light on how important your gestre means.

 

Your generosity plays into a story way bigger than the circumstances and I would like to share a portion of it with you – because it is the story that makes the best part – and it is the story of people's lives that we get to live on in – and you will go on as a part of my story – forever in my heart.

My name is A.J. I was born to a single mother in Toronto and grew up on welfare – my mother was so loving but never had much to give – and so I was raised believing the most important thing you could give to anyone is unconditional love.

We moved into my mother's boyfriend's house on 100 acres up near Ottawa in grade 6 – a huge change from Toronto for a 12 year old – but living in a small town taught me about community. He took care of us until my mother's death in 2003.

Since her death I have experienced what feels like a thousand lives – always striving to find why it all happened to me and what my purpose is.

Which is where L. came into the picture.

This year has been the turning point in my life where I finally see how the suffering I have endured has given me a level of love and compassion only obtained through knowing what loneliness and despair feels like.

This year is the first year where I have really begun to see how it all had to happen exactly as it did in order for me to become this person.

L. is my hairstylist. When I moved to Peterborough for nursing school I wanted to help someone locally and saw the sign outside of her house – which is how we met.

The first day – it was like we knew each other forever – I met her brother that day and found out that they had been raised in foster care, that their brother had committed suicide a few years ago and L.had experience dealing with a relationship similar to the one I was in – she was critical in me being able to leave mt boyfriend, believing that I deserved better and to trust my heart.

When we broke up I had 10$ in my bank account, no car, lived in the country and no way to pay rent – within a week I had a car and just before I was to move out my landlords dropped rent by 200$ and the son of a friend of my mother's (who had also passed away from ALS) offered to lend me 300$/month to get me through til I was done nursing school. 500$/month in rent was doable with my OSAP.

This fall has been one difficult thing after another... coupled with not being able to find a job it has been incredibly stressful – me just having to believe that its happening just as it should I called L. on November 1^st, hoping that I could help her work a trade show to make a little extra money to get me through until I found a job.

November1st, 2012 changed my life – the call I made resulted in L. telling me that the night before, on her way to take her brothers trick or treating – 5 minutes from home - C.'s car lost control in the rains of Hurricane Sandy and was struck by a bus.

How do you respond to that? What do you say to someone in the most traumatizing moment of their lives? All I heard in my head was just be yourself.

My response? “Oh my god L.– that's totally messed up, I'm so sorry :(”

I cried and offered any support I could.

When I got home I convinced myself to go over and just give her a hug. I didn't want to impose – but I remembered for me – hugs made me feel a little better – human contact. So I went over just to give her a hug and offer anything I could.

That night she texted me to ask me if I could check on her brother, J., and drive him to O. – where she was staying with her aunt and cousin. I went over with a bag of healthy food along with all the typical coping vices – smokes, coffee and a joint.

He couldn't leave that night because his son was coming by in the morning, so I just kept him company during one of the darkest nights of his life. The next day after clinical I drove him to O. and ended up hanging out with the family that night – just allowing them to tell me stories about C., smile, laugh and cry – just encouraging them to be okay with whatever emotion they were experiencing.

They asked me to come to the wake on Sunday and so I drove Jason to the wake on Sunday and spent the day getting people water, snacks, conversation, hugs and just human contact while they were numb.

It's an interesting thing to have experienced something traumatizing like my mother dying – and not having had the support I needed – spending ten years trying to figure out what had been missing for me and healing those broken parts – seeing that it is in not accepting what has happened that causes suffering.

It is in not allowing ourselves to feel our own experiences that leave us numb to the world.

In my own recent realization that every thing happens to teach us what we need to know to carry ourselves forward – I saw that most of us push our feelings so far down that we avoid all things that trigger the pain because we don't want to accept the situation – it has been through my own experience of finally having to accept my life for what it is, embrace it – and dare I say be thankful for all of it – the bad along with the good that has left me calmer and more at peace then I have experienced before.

My life gave me the life experiences I needed to be able to be the support L. and her family needed on that weekend and it was an honour to have been able to. I was 20 when my mom died and C. was 20 when she died – so L. and I are living the opposite experience.

That weekend changed my life - I had to be completely present and just listen to my heart - calmness took me over and grounded me in trusting the universe to be taking care of us even when we don't believe it.

Since that weekend we have become fast friends – and her faith in life – in everything happening just as it should – has brought me a sense of validation and peace I have never felt before.

Which leads us to two weeks ago. It took me 3 hours to convince myself to go out that night and grab a drink and go dancing – it was a stupid argument with myself where I felt foolish going out by myself – but eventually convinced myself that I always have fun – I always meet people and to stop being so self conscious.

I went out – had one drink and then headed to hang out with people I had met the week before that had been at Spanky's. And then I ran into R..

I had no idea that the moment would be so auspicious.

We got to talking about my philosophy on life and he mentioned that I should consider getting into public speaking and said he might beable to help me out – so we exchanged numbers.

Two days later L. left my house and within 5 minutes had texted me to tell me her car had died – she had coasted into the gas station.

I went to pick her and the boys and all we could do was laugh – between the two of s we had maybe 300$ - she had just paid her rent and bought a couple Christmas gifts for the boys – so basically we knew only a miracle could fix this.

It's the moment where you throw your hands up and say I give up and laugh at the joke – that no matter how much you want to control life – it always throws things at you that you can't prepare for – so with a laugh we left the car at the gas station and headed home for a drink.

We both didn't have CAA so I decided to text a few guys I had met randomly in Peterborough and ask if they knew anyone with a tow truck. R. texted back, but I had already found one. He asked what was going on and I told him the synopsized version of this story – and he told me to keep him posted.

When we found out on Monday it was the transmission I texted R. to let him know that we were just going to leave the van at the local auto shop and I was going to drive L. around til it sorted itself out. R. said “leave it with me”.

Within two days R. had found ---- to tow the van to Mr. transmission where the owners had offered to fix the transmission at cost. By the end of the day he had found 6 of you to donate.. by the second day there was a total of 14 of you – random strangers – that found a special place in your hearts to help out L. and her kids at the most important time you could have.

Texting R. and hearing one by one as you each offered to help was overwhelming – how do I process something like that – it was above and beyond anything I had ever been part of in my life.

I have never had much to offer in my life – but my unconditional love and loyalty.

Through my own journey I have learned that it is in being our authentic, flawed selves that we have the most to offer.

If I wasn't the type of person that meets random strangers and shares who I am with them I would have never met L. or R.  - it truly is in living authentically that I have the chance to be part of this.

Life is full of the good and the bad – the struggles that change us – we have no control over – it is only our reaction to those events that matter to our lives.

When we accept these events and recognize how lucky we were to have those we love in our lives and let them go with love and appreciation for whatever they gave us in the time they were with us – we are able to be thankful for all of what life hands us – believing that we do not understand the bigger reason – but it is all happening just as it should.

The value of one's life is found in how they left people feeling for having met us.

C., although I never met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives just for having met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives jst for having met her.

When I was at her wake I told L. that C. obviously made a difference while she was alive and she will continue to make a difference in her death – through her short life she was able to impact more people than most people do in their entire long lives – if we can all be more like C. the world would know peace.

So I continue this journey living into C.'s legacy – my mother's legacy andoffer my own life lessons as my gift, my thank-you.

The truth about life is your capacity of generosity, appreciation, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, support and love.

We have to forgive ourselves – love ourselves and recognize that our lives give us a finite number of experiences to teach us and it takes us living to learn – that we couldn't have known more than we have.

Forgive those we love that have wronged us knowing that they didn't know any better either.

Forgive the universe, forgive life, for having life experiences be both good and bad.

We need to let go of judging our lives and be thankful for the experiences that have shown us how STRONG AND RESILIENT we truly are.

We are all perfectly flawed and it is in our flaws that we find the special thing that we have to offer the world. - mine is that I talk too much - not that you haven't figured that out already :) lol.  It has been in my struggling that I am able to offer support that cannot be taught from a book...only learned through life experience...

What determines your success is your capacity to relate to other people – recognizing that we all struggle – but we struggle together and together we can CHANGE THE WORLD :)

Your kindness in helping L. and her family represents the authentic good on all of you... it is something that can't be bought – but is fostered through life.

When I met R. he saw somethig in me - he trusted me and recognized that I was authentically good - I told him that we only recognize that in another person when we are the same way - that he was like me - even if he didn't believe it.

I never knew how true that was when I said it.

The fact that he went out of his way to call of you and organize this without even thinking twice is remarkable.

The fact that he has fostered relationships with all of you who trusted him and supported him is really special and I want to acknowledge the depth of character required to organize a feat like this.

I also want to acknowledge each of you - So please take a moment  to recognize the same in yourselves – that we only recognize the greatness in others when we are the same way - recognize your inherent humanity – the good in you that exists and is represented in your kindness and love.

I wouldn't have survived my life and be where I am.. without the love of strangers – the support of strangers – who became friends – because if there is one thing I know about myself its that if you cross my path – you have me for life – so the offer is passed back. If you are ever in need – I will always have my love, compassion and friendship to offer.

I had a dream to change the world since I was a child – a dream I still believe in – so know – as I change the world – you go along in my story of having faith in love – in the goodness in all human beings – that if you always act from love, from your authentic self – then everything will eventually work out.

I carry you in my story. My humblest gratitude.

On this, Christmas eve, you have all touched my heart in a profound way – that you gave me the opportunity to help when all I had to give was love. You are part of what Christmas is all about – love and light – hope, compassion and joy.

C. had a dream to help set up schools in Africa. I did my first degree in International Development and volunteered in Zimbabwe in 2006, so in the new year we are going to set up a foundation in her name, and her and my same dream will come true. It will be called the -- Rainbow Foundation for Africa.

May the highest good be in your heart.

As my mum would say
         Angels on your pillow

love and light

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays and Happy anything else you celebrate

A. J.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

December 24th, 2012

I love you more than you love yourself.

Ha.

The most amazing thing just happened to me. I was talking to my friend J. And I finally saw myself for who I really am... its funny because in the last post I was writing about how I am starting to realize that I have this incredible capacity to forgive.... I forgive you before you forgive yourself.... I love you before you love yourself.

You ask anyone I have ever met - and they would say.. if there is one thing I know about A.. its that she'll always be there.

*****
Last summer I had a friend skype me that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years.

We broke up - she is the only person in my entire life that I have ever really and truly broken up with. She was so mean to me.. and we'd break up constantly.. until finally one year I snapped on her.... we didn't speak for a year and then she sent me a message on facebook.

I told her that she was a very angry person, that I know she has shit from her childhood but that she has to figure it out because she was so mean to me.... she wanted to put it behind us and I told her she had to apologize for how she treated me... and she couldn't... so I said good bye.

She called me last summer in crisis and told me that I was the only person she knew who wouldn't judge her and would always be there....

and we talked for a few hours... I helped her and told her she was way better than what she was putting herself through.... she thanked me and told me I sounded really different - really good.

I haven't heard from her since.

so I'm that person.

****

So I was talking to my friend... and then all this crazy wisdom came out of me I will try and remember -

Change happens. We need to learn how to accept change - we get so ahead of ourselves based on this desire to live a cozy life - a safe life - STABILITY is all we desire in our lives - and yet stability is boring - stability, safety... is not where life exists... life exists inside of being willing to change... being willing to change the job when you are unhappy, being willing to change the car when you want a new one... being willing to move to another country because you think it would be interesting... or taking the savings you have and take the whole family on a six month trip to Asia - life is where change happens.. and unless we as a culture learn to accept change we will suffer -

I said - I think its interesting now, that the life, we as a society has set up for ourselves... for this stability is finally starting to collapse... and people who have had comfy jobs for 30 years are being forced to change - life celebrates change - and we resist it... but if there is one thing that is certain... things are going to change :)

we were talking about relationships and this is what I had to say:

When you live into a future where everything is painted the way you want... you will accept nothing else...nothing else will do.... so you ignore the things that come.. you cut love off because it doesn't look exactly the way you painted in your head - or you hold on to love too long because you are holding on to that dream....

When you have a picture you decide what is going to happen before it happens... you are playing ahead of the speed of life - you decide what is going to happen.. and so make decisions based on that - for example what happened with T.

He was so scared of hurting me down the road.. he hurt me right away.. he didn't even let us go on one date before he pulled the brakes... all because of the fear... that ironically happened anyways.. because let me tell you - if we had dated for 6 months and then we realized that we didn't quite match I would have understood breaking up then.. far more than right away... it was like his reality wasn't really reality - we hadn't even gone on a freaking date! and I didn't handle this whole thing very well - I mean I have been devastated because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just give me a few dates to enjoy ourselves....

and so I was telling my friend who is going through a similar thing in which she broke up with this awesome guy because he said he doesn't want to have kids....

that she's dated assholes her whole life.. she has never let someone love her back... and this guy does... so what if you break up in six months...what ever you are supposed to learn from each other - you will learn.. and you will feel even better - because you have survived breakups before - you can survive them again - and why not enjoy the time you have together before you decide its not right.... its ok to let yourself get to know someone... its ok to date someone you don't know if you want to be with forever .. love is about always having the choice to leave - its about always asking yourself if you want this.. and always answering yes.... and if that changes.. if that answer becomes no.. honouring the person.. and letting each of you part... happy to have had the time together.... loving the person for gracing yor life with what ever lessons they were supposed to teach us.

Look at me and J. That relationship was fucked... but I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I told him at the start of the relationship that I would stay with him until I felt he no longer cared.. and that's exactly what I did... and every time we got into a really big fight.. and we were talking about staying together.. I always asked myself "are you ok with continuing knowing that you are going to get hurt even more the next time.. because now something has happened and you have evidence to leave.... so you are not only going to be hurt but you are going to feel guilty for not knowing better... and every time I would answer - I forgive myself for no knowing better.. and I accept that I am going to get more hurt - and so I did... quite a few times.. until I felt he no longer cared.. and we broke up. It was excruciating - but it had to happen... it was the right thing to happen.. and had either of us been scared to change - we wouldn't have done the right thing for ourselves.. and since he has met his perfect match.. and I have been dealing with falling in love with a guy that is scared to hurt me. lol.

As we accept change we also start to accept that people come in and out of our lives - it is inevitable.... I have travelled the world.. and made some pretty profound friends, especially in Japan and Korea - people that I know to this day ... I made profound connections with people I knew would leave... but I didn't stop myself from making friends before we parted... I enjoyed every second we had with each other... we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone 3 years down the road.. and you are allowed to change your mind...

you are allowed to break up with someone when you no longer feel its right.. without any guilt... which leads us back to learning to love yourself... you have to honour your feelings... and not be scared of them.

you can't live into a future you don't know about - you will miss out on great loves.. or great moments....

you know at the end of the day.. if I were to be very honest - every man in my life that I have been sexual with.. always started with the hope of it being something great. Even if for a night....

I was reading today in an old journal about this guy I had met in Korea at the mudfest - I met him and found out quite quickly his brother had died... I kissed him and hugged him and asked him to have the night with me... we hung out all day.. laughing and drinking and making out....hanging out with our friends... and then I lost him...some how I found him on the beach 5 hours later and he was so excited to see me... he hugged me and said "how... out of 10,000 people did you find me again?... its fate" we watched the best fireworks display of my life... and he told me that he wished he could call his mom... I told him to use my phone... he didn't want to but I told him "if I could I would.. so please call." he looked at me and I said "I know what its like to lose your best friend". He kissed me and called his mom... I even have pictures of that phone call... and told her that he loved her...

we spent the whole night together.. and had sex in the ocean... he crashed on the floor of our hotel room and in the morning was super sweet to my friends.

As we were walking back to the beach the next day I thanked him for the night and he said "no thank you, it was a privilege.. it was so nice to be with you. "

before I left he told me that "no matter who you meet, always show them who you really are, never change who you are A... now kiss me." I kissed him and said good bye.

****

he changed my life.

I even write how he was the first guy who really made me feel good about myself... I felt love from him.. and it was one night in my life...

I knew it would only be.. and that was ok.

and funny thing - that wouldn't had happened unless I had had all those other experiences with one night stands and accepted them as being ok.

so let yourself love... let yourself live.. and change.. and don't feel guilty for wanting to change... because life gets WAAAY better when you embrace that you are capable of anything... so long as you accept shit happens... the bad with the good.. what are all the other adages we have heard a thousand times in our lives?

when you limit change - you limit your emotions.. when you limit your emotions you are terrified of experiencing those emotions so you run your life trying to avoid anything that even remotely triggers those emotions... and how the hell can you follow your dreams if you are scared of getting hurt? hurt comes... EMBRACE THE HURT - the hurt is what got you here in the first place... the hurt is what made you finally decide to change.. that change is good... the HURT is what got you to change... so feel the hurt - accept that you have been being a complete retard your whole life and continuously sold out on yourself because you were terrified of experiencing life - experiencing loss - experiencing love and devestation - calamity will happen. I ASSURE YOU CALAMITY WILL HAPPEN - no matter how much you try and avoid it - life seems to make sure you will experience shit at one point in your life - so embrace that fact - and ride the wave of your own life... get in tune with who you really are and make no apologies - people will survive - but you are not alive - you are dead and its no ones fault but your own....

courage is walking into fear.

every breakdown there is a breakthrough

people only change when they are stretched - stretching only happens through pain....

suffering is only important until it isn't.


****

At the end of my conversation with J. I said... I love you more than yo have loved yourself... it has been my job to show you what love is... to be here... waiting, watching... so that there would come a time where I could tell you about why you hurt me.. because I have watched you... and been here waiting.. and finally you are ready to hear what I have seen...

and then I realized... whoa she was listening.. whoa she was really calm and really vlnerable.. and I started laughing and cheering and I was like " Oh my god J... you are vulnerable! Omg you are listening and not getting defesive... omg I think you may love yourself... and in that moment.... I realized that because she finally was loving herself... she was finally capable of loving me back... it was a profound moment for me on the phone.... that she loved me back the way I have loved her...

and I said "you finally get it... I'm never going to leave.. that's what true love is... and you finally see.... how mch I love you. :)

****

I have finally realized what I have been searching for so long.... no one can love me the way I love them ntil they love themself.. so it has been my journey to love people more than I love myself.. and it has been learning to love myself that I have realized what I have been doing all along... it is in honouring myself that I am able to finally recognize how compassionate I truly am.. and maybe? start to look at why I have qestioned myself for 30 years.... because.... I have wondered why people can't love me back.... and thought it was me... meanwhile... it had nothing to do with me...

****

Tonight I realized where this may have all come from.... my father left before I was born.... and yet.. I am so happy to be alive... that I couldn't have asked for anything more in life... life.. was all I wanted.. all I needed from him....

my father abandoned me.. and I was not agry or hurt.. I was just curious about him.... and so.... throughout my life I have felt - if I don't hate him.... my father....for leaving me.... then I can't possibly hate you. ... nothing was worse... and then since my mother died... that has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. and it is in recognizing her death happened to catapult me into all this self reflection.. all this inqiry... accepting her death as part of me.. as part of a devine plan for my growth.. that I am finally able to start accepting life for the beatifl tapestry it is.... and love is my thread.

I love people the way jesus loved people. unconditionally. If I can forgive people, and understand why people are the way they are.... then anyone can.. we jst have to be eachother's cheering squad, encouraging each and everyone of s to learn to love ourselves... its in encouraging others... that we find the love we've bee searching for....

you free yourself... because yo love yourself enough to be vulnerable... to accept that people are going to hurt you.. bt only because they don't know why they do what they do... and we all need help figring out what and why we behave the way we do... heal old wounds... and learn to trust ourselves again..

It is not to have learned the lesson to not be vulnerable.. it is the actual lesson we were supposed to learn... being vulnerable is what causes us to get hurt - but hurt causes us to grow - and growth causes s to be vulnerable again... it is in embracing vulnerability... that we free ourselves from the shackles of the rules we have put in front of us in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt...in order to protect those we love from getting hurt by us.... don't worry. I will survive... I just want to be able to know you.. before we part... and part from you, having known our love.

give me the gift of you loving me... by first loving yourself... we all have something special to share.... we all have something to contribute to the whole... it is in your very existence that you are special... so you get to decide whether you want to be proud of yourself.. and go out and honour who you are and follow your heart.. live in the uncertainty.. and die feeling like you REALLY lived.

Its ok to be scared.. its ok to be any emotion you are... because you are feeling... give yourself a freaking break for not knowing any better.... and doing your best.. even though your best wasn't perfect.. it was all you knew at the time... so forgive yourself and go forth with the new knowledge and the recognition that you only hurt others based on how mch you love yourself... on how much you let yourself feel.... so let yourself feel... let yourself be loved.... and love yourself the way your parents should have.. the way everyone in your life that has ever dissapointed you should have...

let me tell you... its difficult learning to love yourself without anyone who loves you as much as I do.... but you have me. Even if you are reading this blog and will never met me... just get that I love you.. through time and space.. I love you... and what ever you are going through, what ever you ahve done.... I know I would forgive you.... I would just keep loving you.. hoping that one day you will learn that you are only hurting yourself... it is your choice to keep love at bay... it is in keeping yourself scared that you stay small.. and don't play the game of life...

so flap your wings... and believe that if there is only one person... that you need to know you are loved by. that's me.

and just so you know.... you can walk outside and realize that all of natre loves you.. all of life loves you.. and its been secretly conspiring just for you.... trying to get you to see.... My love is simply a reflection of the love the entire universe has for each living being.. because life is a miracle... and you were no mistake. nature doesn't make mistakes.

Angels on your pillow.
xoxoxox
A.