when serendipity starts scaring the shit out of you

i read once that when you are close to enlightenment... serendipity becomes a common experience.. that as you become more and more present you notice that every little thing happens at precisely the perfect moment that leads to something else perfect... its weird.... because its happening to me.

i am pretty much writing in a state of anxiety. when I made my last post.... I had this feeling that someone would find it... that i offered something unique.. and that the difference that I want to make in the world is just blossoming.... but really how the fuck do yo utell yourself that you may be the kind of person that makes a profound contribution to humanity?

its way too big... its way too scary... so I just go moment by moment.... responding however i am supposed to....

it was just a feeling.... and i just came on to find that the post has been seen more in the past day than anything i have every written has ever been seen. in 5 days. its really intimidating... i am terrified. TERRIFIED.... terrified that people will actually start reading this... and want to know who i really am... to put a face to a name is the most terrifying feeling in the world.... to have everyone know my secrets... my life.... its weird though.. because my friends know this side of me.... i'm authentic with the people i meet.. i'm just scared of everyone else.... i'm so scared to be judged... and to be misunderstood.

Ah well, i guess it will happen exactly as it needs to.


My dad had a heart attack this weekend.... the weekend had a profound impact on me and again i felt like everything that has been happening lately set me up perfectly for the weekend to go better than i could ever had dreamed of.....

I figured my family out :) they all have huge hearts but are sooooooo hard on themselves they are hard on everyone else... that's why i always second guessed myself....

it was so nice to just not need them to be perfect anymore and just love them.... and try to understand them... and talk.... in pure calmness. even my neice commented that everytime i come home i appear calmer. :)

I ended up having the most amazing conversation with J. The first person I wanted to call when I found out about my dad ... oh ya, I decided fuck it... he's my dad even though he'sbeen a jerk at times.. everyone else's dad's have problems too.... so I'm now going to refer to him as my dad..... anyways.. ya... so I wanted to talk to J... his dad had had a stroke shortly after we started dating, so i knew he knew how it felt...I had to tell myself that despite everything he loved me... and I needed to let him try again.... he ended up texting me and telling me he'd be free to talk the next day after noon.... when I finally checked my phone the next day it was about 2 and we chatted for about an hour and a half.... and it was so lovely.... I asked him how he was....where he was and then got up the courage to ask him about his relationship and his girlfriend... honestly there was a moment where my heart broke... I didn't want to let it be real... but then I just told myself that I wanted to know.. that I want him to be happy.. so if he is.. that's all that mattered.

I asked.. at first he was hesitant.... but then he started opening up... he told me that her daughter is just madly in love with him... and has been trying to call him dad... that they have decided where they are going to get married.. and are thinking about opening an outdoor equipment store... he sounded so happy... :) when I asked him if they were going to have a baby he said that they are.... i told him he's going to make a great dad... he said that he was scared.... i told him.. just figure out where his dad messed up and don't do the same thing... :)

I told him that he's going to make a great husband and that I was sooo happy for him... that its weird how life works out.. that we didn't want to leave eachother... we fought against it... we fought eachother..... but in the end it had to happen like that so we both learned what we needed to learn in order for him to find his soul mate and for me to find myself :)

I told him i love you at the end.. and he said I love you too.

it was so beautiful for me to be able to get out of my being hurt so I could actually get to listen to how happy he was... I love that man so much I'm just thrilled that some how he's letting love in!

I've been up all night finishing things in my house that I haven't finished.... telling myself to just do whatever feels good.... in so doing I ended up coming across pictures of me and my friends on my 17th, 18th, 19th and 21st birthdays.... it was sooo fucking weird.... i was putting pictures up on the wall... and then I'd have a thought and go do some dishes.. then I would have a thought about some random thing that would lead me to think of something that would lead me to think of a person whose picture I wanted on my wall.. so I would go and look for it through the boxes of pictures I have... and this happened 3 times where I found the pictures in different boxes.. I also came across pictures i had never seen of my mom the day i was born and then breastfeeding me for the first time.. they were so beautiful... there was a picture of me on my 1st birthday and then on my 5th birthday I think? it was really weird to just happen to stumble across them.... the coolest thing was because I had waited til tonight... had procrastinated every single minute for the past year and a half and havent finisehed my wall of photos... tonight, on the birth of my 3rd decade I got to scan pictures from every part of my life and remember all the beautiful people that have contributed so graciously to my life....

Smoking weed, putting pictures up, cleaning the dishes with my favorite music playing and candles every where......a cup of tea.. a few smokes... incense and an oil lamp... christmas lights... all the things that I have collected throughout my life scattered throughout my house.... my house finally feels like me...  i finally feel my mother. I finally feel. love. just love.

and I am sitting here as countless messages keep streaming in from all these beautiful people telling me how wonderful and nice and kind and thoughtful and special, beautiful.... i'm overwhelmed from the love. OVERWHELMED at who I have become.... a zorba buddha.... party with the best of them.. and have compassion as deep as the cosmos.

well today is going to prove very interesting I feel in my bones.

I've been up all night... I need to sleep.

A

30 years of lessons - what i have learned

Now I will be the first to admit that many of the things I have learned still allude me on a regular basis. When I was 20 I heard something once that said "knowing makes no difference".But.. now I have realized how true that is.

I have, in the past week, been told that I should write a book from a handful of people... I was told tonight from a friend at school that she thinks that if people were in crisis I should be the person they talk to and that I can help... I was told last week by a random stranger that she thought everyone should know me.. I have always felt that I have something special about me... but i am only recently starting to really own it.... recognize it and believe in it. It really came to fruition 2 weeks ago when I just happened to call a woman I had met 6 months ago, randomly... to find out her daughter was killed in a car accident.... somehow I was available emotionally to help support her and her family the entire weekend while they dealt with the death, the wake, the funeral.... and in that process I finally found myself as calm and as integrated inside of me as I have ever been...

i was reading the last 2 posts I have made.. and of course I have fallen back into suffering and questioning myself over the past month.. hence the no writing... but i am recognizing that it really is the journey.. it takes practice, fortitude and a level of self compassion to allow yourself to falter on the road to self actualization. I am starting to realize that I am highly educated and through simply who I am i have found the TRUTH. My TRUTH is everyone's truth, whether they want to believe it or not.... and my soul desire in the world is have people truly love themselves.. that I have been on my own journey in order to be able to share the tools i have gained through life so that other people have them too, and that because of my age, because of just who I AM... I can share the information in a way that lands for people who would otherwise feel like they were different than the rest....

So I continue to share in the hopes that who I am represents something in you that you are scared to admit, scared to be.. and through my own journey I offer you the gift of HOPE.

So... my truth

My lessons.

1. Say thank-you every time someone pays you a compliment... this may be difficult at first... our tendency is to either brush it off or compliment the other person and remove the feeling from ourselves... by doing this you rob the other person of the gift of a compliment... you know how good it feels when you give someone a compliment? you know how good it feels when you make someone else smile and feel good about themselves? you know how you stop giving people compliments who don't listen to them? well that goes for you too... when you don't acknowledge the simple gift of the compliment you rob the other person. Take a moment.. breathe.. take the compliment in... and say thank you. acknowledge the kindness, the thoughtfulness, the energy it takes for someone to get out of themselves to care about you....

you don't even have to agree! that's the best part.... but little by little, the more you let yourself hear the compliments the more you start believing them.. the more you see their truth and the more you realize you are way more awesome than you think you are.

2. Start listening to the way you talk to yourself. You will quickly find yourself saying to yourself the MEANEST things in the world.. things you wouldn't DARE say to anyone...even your worst enemy.... and if you are one of those people that say mean things to people.. this is simply because you do it to yourself.... remember.. in your heart you are still just a child... looking for love, affection, attention and acceptance.... you have to learn how to treat YOURSELF with compassion and kindness, acceptance.... how can you possibly think someone else is going to treat you this way... a stranger.. if you, yourself don't even feel this way...

So start listening to yourself.. and every time you hear yourself say ANYTHING mean.... say something nice right away.... i started playing a game with myself where I started saying the opposite... just for fun... not that I believed it.. or agreed...

I learned once that your brain is structured in a way that whatever wires together fires together..... what that basically means is that if there is a thought you have that automatically brings about another thought... it will always be that way.. but our brains are plastic... they have plasticity which basically means they can change... so if you change the way you think... you actually change the way your brain fires.... so... if you break the thought process between event A and the thought that is negative, you can actually start changing the way you think about yourself.. thus changing the way you relate to yourself.. and ultimately can learn how to accept and love yourself.. DESPITE your faults....

SELF LOVE - that's the only thing that you should focus on.... everything comes from self love... and everything bad comes from self hatred.


the trickiest thing about this experience is that you will find simply because you talk to yourself like shit you completely ignore anything good about yourself..any compliments.. you only focus on the shitty parts of yourself....

now one thing I have seen in myself and others around me is there is a tendency to think that you can't love yourself because you feel that by loving yourself you accept who you are and become complacent... THIS IS NOT TRUE... by listening to yourself.... by changing the way you talk to yourself.. you are learning how to honour who you REALLY are.. and as you learn to love yourself.. you learn to honour yourself... and you start realizing that you have REALLY REALLY BIG DREAMS... and that by loving yourself you start honouring your dreams.. and start putting things in place to make those dreams a reality. your reality.

So.... listen to yourself... whenever you hear yourself say anything negative say the opposite.... say i love you, say I love myself.... say the sky is blue... say i love my cat... count.... you can do this in your head by the way :P lol.... but honestly.... if its too difficult to say things like I love myself.. or the opposite try anything positive... when you are saying "why are you always late? what's wrong with you?" to say "it's ok to be late, you are doing your best", or "why do you always choose partners that don't give a fuck about you? you are so stupid!" saying "you are so beautiful" or "you are soo lazy, why can't you just get your ass to the gym." ... "its all a journey you'll get there." Just keep trying to be nice to yourself.. that's the most important thing...

THE TRUTH - your parents fucked up.. they fucked up large... EVERYONE's parents fucked up... they fucked up because they didn't know any better... they fucked up because they only know what they know.. they learned from their parents... and them from theirs... how can you possibly expect that they knew ANYTHING? THE TRUTH - they didn't give you the love you needed.... because they don't love themselves.. and if you can't even love yourself.. HOW THE FUCK can you love your kids properly????

My greatest gift was my mother dying... for SOOO many reasons... but it offered me the opportunity to have an objective opinion on my mom... because i don't have to navigate the relationship any more.... I have no concerns about being angry, or upset or thinking something bad about her.. because I don't have to see her!!!! BUT.. you don't have to wait for your parents to die to realize that they are simply you, just 20/30/40 years older... they don't have a freaking clue! their dreams were shattered... and their hope when down the tubes... and you got to see it happen.... FORGIVE THEM.

recognizing that your parents fucked up.. that some of the things you thought were true ARE NOT true... doesn't mean that your parents are bad people... and it certainly doesn't mean you can't love them... your recognition of their behaviour, their beliefs as not being what you feel is right... has no bearing on your desire to love them.... we are all children.... your parents are children.. and typically we all get stuck at some fucked up point in our lives where the trauma in our lives was left up to us to navigate... without any guidance (cause no one else knew how to navigate it) you were left to cope... some people miraculously figure out how to deal with trauma.... but most of us just push the pain down.. hoping one day for someone to bring it to the surface and hold us and make the pain go away... we are all stuck at some random point in our lives.... if we don't let ourselves off the hook, if we don't let ourselves FEEL that trauma... and find ways of processing it.. it will always remain inside you... and everytime something else bad happens, it will bring up the pain... so you try to avoid ALL PAIN....

NEWS FLASH - you can't avoid all PAIN.. IT IS THERE... remember.. pain and suffering is like the waning of the moon.. its not bad ... its just life....

SO... your parents fucked you up.... so now it is YOUR responsibility to learn better.. and start treating yourself the way you KNOW your parents SHOULD HAVE..... BE YOUR OWN PARENT

I honestly had to learn how to brush my teeth everyday, how to do my dishes regularly, how to make my bed... how to go to sleep at a reasonable hour... I'm still trying to teach myself basic ways of caring for myself... and some of that isn't my mother, or my step father's doing.. some of it is simply I just haven't cared to take care of myself....

You have to remember you are the creator, you are the designer of YOU... you are the canvas and your spirit is the ARTIST.... YOU GET TO DECIDE... so start small.... I honestly started with brushing my teeth.... and go from there.. congratulating yourself at every new goal you set for yourself that miraculously you achieve.. and EVERYTIME you succeed celebrate... AND everytime you FAIL tell yourself how proud of yourself you are for trying and recognizing the failure... and try again... this simple act will change your relatedness with yourself.


you got the shitty end of the stick.. your life isn't the way you think it should be... you aren't the person you wanted to be.. or thought you'd be... circumstances have got you to where you are... its a far stretch.. but I promise there will be a point where you realize that it all happened just as it should have. You didn't know any more than you did.... you made mistakes, other people made mistakes.... random events happened in your life... but everything is there to teach you something.. and once you learn it it will serve you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE...

you will continue to experience the same things in your life until you learn the lesson...

so learn the lesson!!!

I heard once.. suffering is only useful until it isn't. THIS IS TRUE. I KNOW.

Remember... this is the first time in HISTORY that we have had so much time, resources and support to deal with our shit... to look at our inner conversation... to look and analyze our own emotions... when you are trying to figure out how to survive tigers, wolves, swords, arrows, bullets, the elements, trying to find food, water, trying to feed your kids.... find shelter, warmth, or coolness, when you are trying to SURVIVE.. you don't have time to figure out how you think and how that impacts you... and your life. SO GIVE HISTORY a BREAK!!!!

We are evolving as a species... we all had to go through EVERYthing we have... the good and bad have all lead us to here... so embrace the history, accept it as what HAD to happen..because GUESS WHAT - it happened... so there really is no other answer.

NOW... I think that one of the most difficult things to accept in order to accept what I know and what I have to say is spirituality... as someone of science I know how difficult it is to jump the expanse of spirituality and science.... but I assure you, from all the things I know.... spirituality is science... and i believe that everything I believe will eventually be proven by science.... I just choose to be able to discern the truth from fiction and be at the front of the pack instead of the back.

MIRROR MIRROR

EVERYTHING you don't like about other people is something that you don't like about yourself... THAT IS THE TRUTH... I know.. its difficult to palate... but its difficult to palate only because we think its bad... but it isn't bad.. it just IS. YOU ARE HUMAN! I know... SURPRISE! lol... but you are... that means... by our very nature we have the capacity to experience every emotion, react in any way... we have the ability to kill.... the biggest realization I am currently coming into is the realization that what is good and bad behaviour only comes from the INTENTION behind the act.... if you were to kill someone trying to kill your children that would be morally good.... because it came from LOVE - that is the only compass you need. Did your actions come from love? yes? then be done with the self criticisms and move on. and if not... well then now you know better.. MOVE ON.

People come into your life to teach you about you... how you react to them is how you react to yourself.... if you watch how you react to other people... you will see the conversation you have with yourself.. because how could you possibly react differently? its a reaction....

if you don't care for other people properly... you don't care for yourself properly... if you make other people cry... you typically are that mean to yourself too... if you think people are stupid.. you think you are stupid... if you think other people are weird... you think you are weird....

if you judge others.. you judge yourself... and there's no point in hating on yourself.. if you hate on yourself you will stay small ... you will never think you are worthy of greatness... and then you rob the world of the gift you were born to contribute to the planet.. the entire planet will be at a loss without you.... you have to learn to FORGIVE yourself.. and choose the behaviour you want yourself to contain...

self awareness is difficult.. it takes countless moments of being present .. of looking for your own truth.. of criticizing, learning and wanting to change.... trying and failing.. its the only way... learning to love yourself is not an overnight thing... and it doesn't mean that you stop changing, evolving and growing.. it simply means you refuse to beat yourself up along the way of growth.

Many people believe that self love is selfish.... SELF LOVE IS THE OPPOSITE OF SELFISHNESS

There is a feeling inside us all that we are trying to fill.. its a void... it is usually felt at our hearts.... in the center of our chest.... its where you feel hurt.... its the space that you feel filled up when you feel loved.. its the space that you are trying to fill with love... sometimes we try and numb ourselves to this void through sex, drugs, food, exercise, talking, cleaning, driving, alcohol, work.. its amazing the ways we try and fill this void.... its also amazing to me that it is possible to do healthy things like exercise to fill this void.... but I ASSURE you.. if your behaviour does not coexist with self love... then it will not fill the void.

Something really interesting i have found about myself is my relatedness to sex. So we all know that I have had sex with many men.... you can judge it as good or bad.... but it just is.... when looking back on it.... and to be honest I still sleep with men who I am not in a relationship with... but when I look back on the reasoning behind the sex.. I see that i have had one night stands for a plethora of reasons.... because i was lonely, because I was hurt and wanted to numb the hurt, because I wanted just to be touched, because I wanted to feel close to someone, because I was horny, because I wanted an orgasm, because I wanted to feel beautiful, because I wanted validation, because I wanted to feel alive, because it was a game, because I wanted love.... the interesting thing is to see that the act was the same it was the motivation behind the act that changes whether the act is healthy or unhealthy.. not the act itself.

realizing that it is the motivation behind the action that determines its health is a profound realization......

and now I have sex to have fun. period.

and guess what.. SEX IS SO MUCH FUN! I have learned so much from having sex with so many different people... its when you get people at their most vulnerable place... and its fascinating to look back at all the different men i have met, their behaviour, their lives, their rooms.... the consistencies and their unique attributes.... what determines a man from a boy.... but at the end of the day.... it is fun... IT SHOULD BE FUN - and your desire to engage in any behaviour should be based on your love and honouring of yourself.

The space we are all trying to fill in our "hearts" is actually us... we are desperately looking for ourselves.... the child inside of us NEEDS the adult we have become to take care of ourselves....

YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO FILL THIS VOID IN ANY OTHER WAY THAN THROUGH SELF LOVE.

I read a book recently called "The art of loving", it said something SOOOO interesting.... that we think of self love as selfishness.... however selfishness is the incapacity to allow ourselves the gift of contributing to others.. its NOT self love... and selflessness is also NOT self love... selflessness teaches our children that they should not care for themselves....

If there was a spectrum, selfishness is at one end, selflessness is at the opposite and self love is right in the middle..... as soon as you love yourself you finally are no longer looking outside for things to fill the void... you have filled the void and all of a sudden it makes you available to the people around you.... you give... and you take care of yourself... its a beautiful thing... i have only recently experienced that feeling briefly.... I assure you this advice only comes from another human being.. I struggle with self love too.... but it takes practice.. and it starts with accepting compliments.

The scariest thing I have had to start accepting is that the majority of people do not think like me.. the majority of people are so caught up in their own heads that they can't even begin to see what I know... because they think the voice in their heads is them... they think they are a certain way and have no bearing on who they are... but we do.... we are the only ones that can control ourselves.... and it starts with the way we think.... changing the way we think is the only way to change our lives.

HOW DO YOU FIND YOUR HEART? the best way to find your heart is through suffering... OSHO says that suffering is there as a bullseye to your heart.... an arrow directly into who you are.. because when you feel hurt... you see where you are.. you feel where you are... and if you can remember that feeling, remember where that feeling emanated from in your body... then when smaller, less significant things happen.. you know what part of your body to listen to.

TRUST - How can you possibly trust other people, when you don't trust yourself? when THEY don't trust THEMSELVES? we are all like the blind leading the fucking blind! HERE'S THE TRUTH - when you learn to love yourself.. you honour that voice inside you that knows what it needs... knows what it wants.. you realize that the voice is connected to something far greater than yourself.. you do things... that you may think are stupid.... or irrational... or irresponsible.... but for some reason they excite you, they ignite something in you and you know that not doing them will result in an internal question of "what if I had done that....?" so you muster your courage and go for it... and when you do them, the world opens up because you honour yourself.. you honour the life inside you... you honour the UNIVERSE - the universe created you and it wants you to THRIVE.. serendipitous things happen to you when you honour the voice that is your true self. IT JUST IS....

I'll give you 2 examples.

1. After I was finished my contract in Korea i debated to go home or travel... i decided to travel I had planned a trip to south east asia since i was a kid.. and it was my dream trip.... when i was packing up I got a thought that I should have health insurance.... I talked to a bunch of people who told me that health care was so cheap that I shouldn't bother.. but still that inner voice told me I needed to get it.... I had travelled to 5 countries that year and not once did I think about health insurance.. it was just never a thought.... i had remembered that when I had visited Thailand at the start of the year that I had decided to buy health insurance for the entire year instead of the weekend I was in thailand because it had only been 100$ more... so i went and checked to see if I still had it.... I wrote down the policy number and the phone number to call in an emergency and put it in a little book i had in my pack that I took with me everywhere.... the night before I left I got a pain in my back..... it was like an aching.... but I left as planned and the whole flight over I didn't feel any pain... I even got bumped to first class and given champagne on the take off...  Upon my arrival I started feeling pain again.... when I got to the hostel my friend went and got me pain killers and I took them.... they didn't help much and the pain got worse.... we had lunch... and then went for a walk... all of a sudden I was in so much pain I couldn't see straight.... I had to go to the walk in clinic... miraculously the walk in clinic was in front of our hostel... when we got there they did a quick check on me and thought that it wasn't muscular... so suggested I go to the hospital just to get it checked out..... I HATE HOSPITALS... and I HATE GETTING HELP... BUT we had a train booked for the next morning for LAOS and so my friend suggested that I just go and get it checked because the health care system in LAOS was non existent essentially and BANGKOK apparently had a really good medical system.... so i reluctantly went...I thought it was a kidney infection and i would get antibiotics...  within 6 hours of getting there I was rushed into emergency surgery.. they had found a cyst on my ovary that had contorted and was on the verge of rupturing.... they removed the cyst.... and 80% of the ovary (of which I found out 2 days later).... so let me put this into perspective...

1. Had I come home I would NOT have gone to the hospital because I wouldn't have thought it was an emergency.. I only went because we were going to LAOS the next day

2. Had I come home I wouldn't have had medical insurance because I was out of the country for over a year

3. I had miraculously written down the insurance information and had it on me.. and that is the only way I was even able to go into surgery because I had no idea what hostel we were in... I had no idea what room we were in.. I had no way of contacting my friend... and so I couldn't have gotten the information any other way

4. If it had happened 1 day later I would have been on a train or in LAOS - the cyst would have ruptured and I would have bled out.

5. If everything hadn't happened in exactly the way it did.. I WOULD BE DEAD. so.... you tell me?

2. Letting J. go. letting him drive away because he didn't respect me and I refused to hold on to someone who didn't respect me.. i told the universe that I believed.. and that it better show up.. it had to show up... i had 10$ in my bank account, no car, no way to pay rent, i was in nursing school and just got a job.... within 3 days I had a car... I mentioned that I needed a car to my uncle... he went out and found one... he called my aunt to ask if she would lend me the money and she agreed.... i picked the car up by the friday..... I gave my 2 months notice and then just kept telling myself that it would work out.... I wanted desperately to stay here... to stay in the country...with three weeks left to the summer, not knowing how i was going to pay to move, where I was going to go.... or how I was going to stay, my landlords offered to drop the rent by 200$/month and the son of a friend of my mother's who also died offered to lend me 300$/month for the duration of my schooling in order to help me out.... so I had to come up with 500$/month which is completely reasonable. The universe made sure i would be ok... because I BElievEd.

I honoured myself in letting J. go... now don't get me wrong.. it was EXCRUCIATING... watching him drive away and not begging him to stay.. having him come back a couple of times to get things and not asking him to stay.. it killed me... i was desperately in love with him.. I wanted him to love me back... but I couldn't subject myself to any more of the self torture I was putting myself through in order to prove my love. .. i honoured myself... and therefore I honoured the life I was given... and the universe took care of me.

Be GRATEFUL for the lessons in your life.. for your own unique experience.. and stop judging yourself.... oh well you made a mistake... oh well you like things everyone else thinks is crazy.... ah well....

bE HoNEsT with yourself.... BE TRUE to your TRUTH

MY TRUTH
I talk a lot... I mean A LOT - I always have something to say - I want to teach people as much as I can and I try and use every single moment I have with people... whether for my own benefit, or theirs.. hopefully both.
I am highly educated - i have a B.A. in international development and am currently at university getting a BScN in nursing with an 85% average
                 I have taken courses in philosophy, biology, organic chemistry, microeconomics, macroeconomics, environmental economics, feminism, anthropology, sociology, psychology, anatomy, physiology, nursing, physics, environmental sustainability, history, geography, chemistry, statistics, research methods, medical ethics, human rights,  political theory, development,
My mother was Buddhist so I learned about Christianity and Buddhism from a very young age.. she was a registered massage therapist, colonic therapist and aromatherapist before i was born... so she knew alot about things most people knew nothing about in the late 1970s.... she was an artist and taught me the importance of movement .. she was an artist, an art therapist...
My step father was a geography teacher, an artist, a farmer, a geologist, a historian - I learned about geography, about trees, about mt Everest, about the clouds and the weather about alluvial fans and the Canadian shield, I learned about crystals and the mathmatics behind nature

I know about astronomy, astrology, alternative medicine, traditional medicine,
My parents first date was to a pow wow on Manitoulin island - I went with them.. it was the first time I was ever in a tent - i learned about granola and Colman lamps
I have experienced so many life lessons
I have been cheated on by 3 different men who i loved
I have had sex with over 80 men
I have smoked pot and hashish, eaten mushrooms, snorted cocaine
I sometimes throw temper tantrums when my frustration gets too much for me to handle
I can judge people... and notice that when I judge people its because I forget their humanity, that they have insecurities too
I can get angry
I am LOUD
I talk a lot
I can be selfish
I can be selfless
I have been incredibly overweight - my highest was 237 lbs - this has taught me how easy it is to be in denial about something so blatantly obvious - it has offered me a deep sense of compassion
I have a cat
I smoke
I drink alcohol
I see the humanity in every person... i get we all have shit
I've played the flute, the clarinet and the ukelele i want to learn how to play the guitar, the piano and the fiddle
i sleep a lot
I am late A LOT
i procrastinate
I think A lot
I believe in reincarnation - i don't think i could know as much as I do with only one life... I think you can't learn everything in one life and life is there to teach us lessons... you have to keep coming back til you learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF
I love architecture
I love art
I love dance - I am a dancer in my heart
I love photography
I love bubbles, fireworks, fireflies, scavenger hunts, and anything that glows in the dark, I love butterflies and watching barn swallows catch mosquitos
I love talking
I love listening
I love helping people
I love swimming, cycling
I have climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji in Japan
I have gone scuba diving and swam with sharks
I have lived in Toronto and gone to school just south of Jane and Finch
i have lived on a 100 acre farm
I have milked cows and goats and put pigs on a truck for the butcher
i have seen a calf being born
I have visited the cemetery that is at the start of saving private ryan - its devastating
I have signed the book at the Canadian cemetery in Normandy
I have walked across the quick sand next to Mont St. Michel in France
I have been up in the towers in Notre Dame cathedral
I have climbed the Eiffel tower
I have ridden on the top of an elephant
I have had sex in the ocean
I have had sex on the hood of my car under the stars - AMAZiNG.
i have played duck duck goose with 200 rural Zimbabwean children
I have seen giraffe, crocodiles, zebras, elephants, impala, dung beetle, monkeys, ostrich in their natural habitat
I have sailed down the coast of Thailand
I have learned Reiki
I have gone to the mud fest in Korea
I have lived in Banff
I speak French and Japanese
I know how to ride horses
I have been to the top of the CN tower
I have gone to the washroom in a bathroom in zimbabwe with huge spiders all over the walls
I have walked on the Athabasca glacier
I have watched the sunset on December 1999 over the ocean next to the aquarium in Osaka
I have watched the sunrise on january 1st 2000 at Osaka-Jo castle in Osaka Japan
I have been to the museum in Nanjing china that documents the rape of Nanjing(Nanking)
I have walked the crazy intersection in Tokyo Japan
I have seen the only building still standing from the bomb in hiroshima - I have also seen the museum in Hiroshima
I have been to an electronic music festival in Seoul
I have been on a 4 day camping trip through algonquin park
I have stepped foot in Lake superior, Erie and Ontario
I have gone under Niagara Falls on the maid of the mist
I have gone up the trolly in Pittsburgh
i have seen a steelers game in pittsburgh
I have walked up a mountain in Georgia
I have stepped foot on red soil in PEI
I swam with a sea turtle - the most amazing experience in the world
I have 6 tattoos
I have been head butted by a boyfriend
My mother died when I was 20
My step father didnt support me properly
My mother only left me records in her will
I have jumped off the gorge at Victoria falls on the Gorge swing
I have felt the mist off victoria falls
I have had a thai massage in thailand
I have experienced the most intense thunderstorm on an island in thailand
I have been up the gondola on Langkawi island in Malaysia
I have taken the train from the north of Malaysia to Kuala Lumpur
I have watched the fireworks at the towers in Kuala Lumpur on New Years eve
I have watched chuck wagon races at the Calgary Stampede while drinking a Caesar - proper Canadian style
I have Tye dyed
I have gone skinny dipping
I have collected chicken eggs
I have picked potato beetles off potato plants
I have been down hill skiing
I have not gotten off the chair lift and taken the chair all the way back to the bottom
I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing
I have swam in the Atlantic Ocean on both sides, the Indian Ocean,  and the Pacific ocean
I have been to Tokyo Disney land
I have gone fishing
i have drank a Singapore sling in Singapore, a Mai Thai in Thailand
I have walked in the gay pride parade in Toronto
I have taken boxing, karate and kung fu lessons
I have been on a scooter in phuket Thailand and gone to the buddha on the hill there
I have been to castles in korea, Japan, France
I have taken mushrooms and sat in a field in Japan with a temple on the hill in front of me and tame wild deer roaming the city
I have been to versailles
I have celebrated the winter solstice with a bon fire
I have lay under the stars and watched Haley's comet with my friends
I have been to Motopos, Zimbabwe - full circle from the power of one
I have learned how to silk screen
I have built a table and have used a planer, a jig saw, a lathe, a router, a band saw, a scroll saw, a screw driver, a hammer
I'm really good at math
i do yoga
I do tarot card readings for my friends
I have made eye contact and given thanks to the Dalai Lama
I have learned to make thai curry in Thailand
I have been to a night market in taiwan and thailand
i have been on a scooter up the TOROKO gorge in Taiwan
I have lived in the beaches, in downtown Toronto and in north york of Toronto
I have moved over 30 times
I have owned/ slept in 30 beds not including hotels or friend's
I have learned tea ceremony in japan
I learned kendo in japan and own a Kendo sword
I have been to the mask festival in korea
i love things that sparkle
i can discern at least 10 constellations in the sky and can easily find the north star
I know the names of trees by their appearance and their leaves
i know countless species of birds
I know how to make clay pottery
I know how to sew
I know how to knit
I know how to make things out of wood
I Danced for 12 years and have performed at the Royal Ontario museum an an orff conference in Toronto
I tried out for the national ballet of canada when I was 8
I have lived in an apartment building, in a basement apartment under a rub and tug and in a farm house
my first car had a hole in the gas tank and the gas guage was broken - try that one on.. and the exhaust pipe had fallen off the car - my mother told me to tell the police that it had just fallen off despite the fact that it was under clothes and a plastic bag and was cold.
I have had 32 paying jobs (babysitting counts as 1)
    1. i worked at a petting zoo scooping poo
    2. I babysat
    3. on a goat farm, milking goats
    4. as one of the people who scares people in a haunted house
    5. a camp counselor
    6. wendy's making sandwiches/wendy's front of house
    7. grocery store cashier
    8. selling clocks that I made when I was 13 at the farmer's market
    9. selling popsicles for dickie dee
    10. teaching English in Korea
    11. front desk clerk at a hotel
    12. foodprep at a cafe
    13. 14. 15. serving at East Side Marios in three differing location
    16. serving at the Baton Rouge
    17. selling unique lawn chairs at a music festival
    18. helping out a woman with gardening, painitng, cleaning, taking care of the dog
    19.20. bartender at 2 different pubs
    21. 22. 23. 24. server at 4 other smallrestaurants
   25. 26. salesperson/cashier at a store in Banff and bow Lake lodge
    27. making french fries at a french fry kiosk at a fair
    28. cutting red peppers for my friend's mom's business
    29. knocking on doors for world vision
    30. serving at the rainforest cafe
    31. serving at kelsey's - worst boss of my life
   
what I have learned is there is something to learn in every job.. in every opportunity to do and learn something new
   

I have lived in 5 different countries and travelled to 11 - this has taught me we are all the same.. I have physically lived and participated in the lives of 10 different familes this includes living with only my mother for 12 years, living with my mother and step father for 6 years, living with host familes in france (1), Japan (4) and Zimbabwe(1), on my friend's couch for 6 months and by myself
i have had 20 different room mates (including 2 boyfriends)

I love painting my face

i have spent the vast majority of my life obsessed over the opposite sex
i have been selfish
i have been overweight
i have told myself that i am stupid
i have told myself that there is something wrong with me
I have told myself that I am crazy
I have told people to go fuck themselves
I have lied
I have thought that I am not good enough to love
I have told myself that no man would ever love me
I have blamed men, my mother's death, being cheated on, having no money given to me from my mother's insurance policy, my sister and her husband, my step father, fucked up situations, my weight, money, and lack of support ... for not being happy....... funny thing... none of that has changed.... but I am happy.

I have realized that men just are the way they are... that i cannot control them.. they have their shit.... I attract men based on how I am feeling about myself - they treat me exactly the same way I treat myself

I have realized that my mother's death has played an integral role in my ability to see the world for what it really is... not having gone through that experience completely on my own... at 20 would mean that i wouldn't know what i know now... and i would never want to be older to have to figure this out...that her death has taught me more than anything else in my life

1. That when you lose sight of your dreams you get sick
2. If your only dream is to get married and have a kid... when you get both there really isn't any point in living is there?
3. What it is like to be as depressed as I think a human being can get before committing suicide
4. That I am stronger than I ever thought
5. That she loved me but wanted a man to take care of her and that lead her to lose sight of her dreams... ultimately I CAN NOT make the same mistake
6. Her insecurities, her desire to be liked outweighed her love for herself... so she put up with shit she shouldn't have EVER - also a lesson I am trying to teach myself
7. That death is dramatic
8. That someone can die in peace with no morphine, from cancer
9. That the most painful things in life are the things that make us be able to handle the rest of our life with grace.
10. That not getting over issues in your life will manifest as illness and eventually kill you
11.  That people do not know how to handle death
12. That you have to feel all the feelings in order to let something painful go... you have to accept it as part of you in order to come to peace with it
13. That I am never going to give up on my goals
14. That the most important thing in life is to figure yourself out... and make sure you figure out how not to sell out on yourself
15. That you can still feel someone if you remember the exact experience - you can only do this when it no longer makes you sad to think of them... so you have to come to terms with the positives in their dying.... so you have to see the positives... so you have to deal with your shit.
16. that most people are totally screwed up in the head.
17. That life is a piece of art.... and that your life is part of the tapestry.... there is a reason for everything... its all beautiful... even the dark patches
18. That love is full acceptance - my mother loved me and accepted me just as I am... and not having her has been so painful because i felt different than everyone else... except my mother.... so I had to learn to be ok as a complete individual while honouring the amount of love and support she had for me and my dreams... ultimately I always asked myself whether my mother would support my decision - she loved me properly. and so I can see what happens when you are loved properly as opposed to everyone who wasn't.. and how they don't get half the shit i get.
19. That everything happens just as it should
20. That you have to get through the pain of losing them to be able to honour and remember who they were.

what I learned from my mother
1. That sexuality is natural
2. That music, art, dance are essential for the soul
3. that your feelings must be let go.. she taught me how to look at how I am feeling in the moment... figure it out and know how I am feeling and to always express my feelings
4. she taught me about birds
5. that its ok to be myself - even though I lost that for a while
6. that its imperative that you listen to your heart and go with whatever your heart really wants - she let me cut my hair all off at 6 because I wanted to... she let me change my name in grade 1 because I wanted to... she let me go to France at 14 and japan at 16 because i wanted to...
7. That you have to give advice freely and not be attached to whether someone takes it or not - she was really bad at this
8. That other people's decisions in life are none of your business and judging them only makes matters worse - she was bad at this
9. That there's nothing wrong with being naked


those are the things i can think of right now....

Ok.... so where I am at at this point in my life... right now.

something shifted in me around T. this week - basically I couldn't let go... I felt somehow like i was giving up on him.... I had fallen so hard for him and totally saw my life headed in a direction with him that I couldn't stop wanting to be his friend... wanting to show him how great he is... I had been saying the same thing over and over that I needed to let him go... but still my heart pulled me back... i texted and we ended up hanging out 2 more times... one time was a drunken.. hottest make out of my life.... to waking up in the morning to him telling me it was a mistake.... and then 3 days later me telling him that he was ridiculous and that we shouldn't be friends.... to me texting him when I needed him the most and him not responding.... my friends were telling me I deserve better and couldn't understand what was wrong with me... why I was so obsessed over this guy.... but still my heart pulled me towards him.... and then this weekend I randomly came across a conversation I had had with this random guy in 2006. We met on myspace and talked for a couple months... re reading our messages to each other I realized (and simultaneously remembered) how cool I thought this guy was and how much random shit we had in common.... and it made me realize there are so many men out there..... and I get obsessed over the guy in front of me.... thinking I am never met a guy like him before... and yet... I have...... 6 years ago..... no we never met, and I never experienced what I did with T.... but who is to say I wouldn't.... I have no idea.

Two weeks ago I ended up taking care of a woman who I had met once and had talked to for 5 hours about life and love while she did my hair (she is a hairdresser out of her house) and her family after randomly calling her up on an unsuspecting thursday afternoon to find out that her 20 year old daughter had been killed in a car accident the night before.... I became someone I had never been and the weekend taught me how to silence the voice in my head completely and just be present, follow my heart and be calm... I have never been calmer in my life...

So.... I realized that its all a big joke... first off... the biggest thing that bothered T. about me was that I was too eager... I was impatient... I was not calm... and yet I couldn't be as calm as I am right now.... UNLESS I had gone through what I did 2 weeks ago..... SO.... there is NO WAY I could have been what T. wanted me to be... because this drastic, life altering event had to happen, in order for the calmness to happen....

So calmness coupled with letting go of my desire to be with him allowed me to let in all life's possibilities again.... and within 24 hours a guy I had met a week before I had met T. ended up coming over.. I knew he was cool shit... but we had only hung out once.... he came over and we had a great time...I felt I could be myself completely.. that both of us could be ourselves completely and in the end we ended up having sex.... and it was awesome... and he slept over.... we cuddled all night... and then had sex again in the morning.... i drove him to work... and all i have heard from him since is when I asked how he was feeling last night he wrote back "ugh".... i haven't texted him since then and I feel great! I feel like it would be nice to have someone in my life that when they are there they are there.. and when they are not.... oh well...

I have no idea what will happen.. and I don't care...

all i can hear in myself these days is be receptive.... stop trying to control.. just flow with whatever life brings you.. and accept it as it comes.... stop resisting... so i am the painter.... but only in that I have to listen to my heart.. and create the life I am born to create....

Soooo... that's where I am at.

In terms of schooling I have found over the past 2 months I have been really diligent at times and then fallen off the wagon.. I realize that I have all these huge ideas, but I don't know how to focus them .. so i get anxiety feeling like it is too big.. and then i do a half ass job at it when it HAS to get done... so I am trying to change that... speaking of which I have a quiz I have to take tonight because I start my new job tomorrow and its due on Friday so I have to go and do that.....

its feeling good to come back to writing.. giving myself 5 hours just to write in here instead of rushing it at the end of the day... maybe that's something else I need to start doing... setting aside an hour a day to just writing on here.

namaste
A.

learning about yourself.

Its weird when you have an experience that changes the entire way you look at yourself. I mean... I would assume many people have experienced this... but I can't name any that I know....

when you become so incredibly aware of yourself.. and how you act i the world.. ok.. I'll talk in the first person... man did you know that is a very difficult thing to do sometimes.... its easier to say you... its much more difficult to own the experience.

So I, am.. I guess in the experience right now... I feel its because I have become so aware of who I am... that I have recognized most of the things that I get embarrassed about.. and then realized that I was actually judging myself for those same things... recognizing that I really really need to love myself in order to feel whole.. and happy.. that all the books I have ever read say the answer is to fully love yourself.... so I'll be honest. That has been my freaking mission. lol.

Learn how to love myself. hmm.. I never quite thought of it like that.... if I were to actually think back that would be the unspoken vow.... something that I have never named... but its been a feeling of looking for myself.. ad my happiness.. and somehow by the grace of the universe I was given all the tools.. all the signs to get me to here...

I am sure there is more to enlightenment.... but that's all I want... I want to experience what it is like to love myself wholy and completely that I get to experiences what the sages have been saying for thousands and thousands of years.... every spirituality.. if you listen to their inner story.... it is all leading to exactly the same place... to freedom.. to happiness... to love.

and the only way you can really experience the love of what some call god, or ala, or whatever that feeling is they all speak of.... that deep love...... is to learn to at least love yourself... because... lets be honest.. how could you ever feel that deep love if you don't even think you deserve it?

Over the course of my life I have recognized that I really don't see love when its there... and I see it in the places it doesn't seem to be. I got to a point where I realized that I must have everything backwards... or at least a large portion of it....

The first time I really remember feeling that way was in Korea. I remember telling people that I didn't have a family... that I was all alone... to be honest... I still catch myself doing that from time to time... and every time I say it I can hear this voice that says "that's not true, you re not alone.. you have may friends and family that love you... its just no the way you wish it was." Its true... I have felt sorry for myself for years that I was given a single mother with no siblings and a family who can't deal with their emotions.... I felt sorry for myself for having a crazy, different, weird, mother... who couldn't figure out what she needed or wanted in life....... I felt sorry for myself for growing up with very little money... I felt sorry for myself for my mom dying. I felt sorry for myself for being bullied in school... I felt sorry for myself for not having many friends when I was a kid... I felt sorry for myself that all the other shit happened.... I completely felt sorry for myself... I felt like the universe had given me this shitty life.. and what the fuck did you want from me... I honestly.. at one point in my last relationship I really was like "WHAT THE FUCK!" How did this happen to me? I think I am a decent judge of character... and then to have that fucking weird ass shit go down.. let me tell you..... I FELT SOOOOO SORRY FOR MYSELF... and to be honest I am still fighting with myself... because its a habit... its by far the hardest habit I have ever tried to kick..... feeling sorry for myself.. also known as the VICTIM.... we all do it... because...

I think I may have actually figured it out... its because if you start thinking it from a different angle.. if you start looking at it like its just a handful of incidents that occurred over a very vast life.... and when I thought of all the beautiful things in between all those crappy times.. something started to change in me...

Throughout this going on... I remember facing all the things with J.... watching as every one of my insecurities was thrown out at me.. it was really really weird to watch. That this beautiful man was telling me everything mean..... I would always call him mean.... I would get so angry that he was soo mean. only to realize I was angry at him for being angry... I was angry.... it was the weirdest thing to realize.... to watch myself be angry... I was never angry like that... and I realized that it was honestly something I had never wanted to admit... I still have problems admitting it... but I get angry.... I am a nice person who sometimes gets angry... and so is he... man even saying that is hard for me to say.... I have still been hating on him.... literally being angry at him.. and wanting desperately not to be.... because I see myself as being nice... so I don't want to be angry.. its like I force myself to not be an emotion I already am..and am in complete denial to myself that I can get angry....

through this experience I started thinking that maybe there was some truth to the fact that your partner is always your mirror....


 instead of just letting myself be angry.. I swear its an internal battle... between me thinking "look what he's done... he's an ass.. you should be angry..." and "but being angry is bad..." I completely judge myself.

honestly when I get past that struggle is only when I say to myself... "its ok to be angry... but everything happened exactly as it should.. and look at you NOW!!!!" you have learned sooooo much from all of this that had you not gone through that discomfort.. that pain you wouldn't have realized everything you have!

Honestly fighting with him and have him fight with me over really little things... make me feel bad, I realized that it was really not ok to have someone talk to me like that... I would get sooo upset... and then I would realize that hearing it out loud.. and recognizing that it was unbelievably hurtful, I was also able to recognize the voice in my head that had been saying the same thing....

to be told by my boyfriend that he would cheat on me if I didn't lose weight.. I actually found myself feeling like that pretty much could have been the meanest thing he could ever say.... it made me sooo insecure.. and I realized that it was my biggest fear come true... and why was it my biggest fear? because I had actually thought about that happening! and why had I thought about that possibly happening? because I thought I was too fat for anyone to love me.. really. and why did I think that? because I completely judged myself for being overweight.. I criticized myself and belittled myself and didn't look at my body in pictures.... I totally took my body for granted.... and despised it.... so much that I had actually thought about my bf not being able to love me.... for my weight.... as soon as I realized I had done that to myself... I said... ENOUGH.... and ironically that totally didn't come true until the most recent man... who again ended up having a problem with my weight. This beautiful man who I felt totally soul connected to ended up saying exactly the same thing... and I found myself saying... well then I deserve better.

The growth I have experienced over the past couple of months... the depth of self awareness I have.... seeing who I really am.. I am starting to see that I have always been this person... and the things that I judge myself for are the things about me.. that I have always been, but they are the things that other people don't like about me... and so I have put myself in a box, where I too have labelled all the parts of me that are socially unacceptable....

through all this I am finally seeing that I am just the way I am... and I can't change who I am at my deepest level.... and that I have to love myself for me.... in doing this, I have come to realize that I love being with myself... that I find myself incredibly refreshing.. and I wish there were more of me in the world.

That I am independent, vibrant, loud, intelligent, funny, innovative, kind, loving, forgiving, creative and a whole slew of other things that make me really like the person I have become....

There are still areas of my life where I know I still have insecurities... but to be able to finally see how lovely I am, and to start realizing my own self worth is an incredible feeling...

It is also the feeling of incredible love... its a sliver of the kind of love I imagine religions talk about.. but i am getting there... that deep self love is the feeling of the Divine.

The most recent aspect of my character that I have had to learn to accept and love is the fact that I have had sex with so many people... how Ironic it is that my whole life has been about self acceptance and self love and yet I have created my own life to have to love and accept that I am a sexual woman, that I am not ashamed of the men I have had sex with, that I don't think its bad and wrong, and un-womanly... I am in the process of learning that I have to go against everything society tells me about the sexuality of women..... and accept myself wholy and completely.... including that aspect of me. Its incredibly freeing... self criticism is painful... and it keeps me from being happy.... it keeps me from love.... and I want to feel the deep everlasting love that can only come from knowing the depth of yourself and liking all of you.

Life is so very interesting.


I realized that that was absolutely innapropriate for a boyfriend to say if he actally loved me.... telling him that it was not ok to talk to me like that.... telling him that if he actually felt like that we should break up... and have him retract.... I started asking myself why

how fabulous you really look

I wish I had been writing on here more over the past couple of weeks... so much has happened.. and something in me has completely shifted... I am going to try and remember over the course of the last weeka nd maybe over the next week start writing it all... so I can remember what happened here.. just incase I go back.... which is totally possible.. because I know how these things work now.. you get clarity and then society starts making you question yourself....

and in thepast I have totally succumbed.... thought there was soething wrong with me again... but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.. I am just exactly who I am supposed to be... good or bad.. loud, full of energy... excited, interested, nice, did I mention loud! lol...

I have finally accepted me just for me.... and I am a pretty wonderful person! I talk to so many people.. I love people.. I love dancing!

It was my addiction to men. I kicked the habit. finally.....

It was T.. the perfect man that I met last week.... honestly meeting your mirror... meeting yourself in a man's body is the most fucked up experience I have ever gone through...

I fell instantly in love with him. Like I had beenlooking for him my whole life.... the first time we met it was like 5 hours of serendipity... we both commented that it felt cosmic....

and then everything started falling apart... and it was scary and devestating.... and somehow I kept a positive attitude.. like everything really will result in something good. .... it's been so difficult letting him go.. and forcing myself to realize that I deserve someone to feel that same way about me... and he doesn't...

Its sooo hard to not want to change the person that you think is the coolest guy in the world.... when he doesn't see how great you are... but I think he is so wonderful.... and he still has stuff to deal with.. and that process... I have realized... through trial and error... cannot be rushed. and so I had to let him emotionally go.. and believe that I really do deserve everything I ever wanted!

today we saw eachother.. and it was sooo comfortable.. it kills me that he doesn't see how different he feels when he's around me... but he can't. he's scared... and that's ok.... life happens at whatever speed it chooses... and I need to let him just be... I was going to cut all ties because I thought it would be too hard for me... but he really wants to stay friends... and said that he's really just not ready for a relationship.. at first I thought.. that's why it would be so difficult to be friends... because I would be hoping the whole time... but I realize that I have no idea what will happen.... I have to let whatever happens... happen... and I really want to be friends... and I will wait for my perfect man to come into my life.

it's weird how my ego tries to manipulate every situation to get something out of it... even if I am making the choice from my heart it wants to sneak in and make it so it gains.. and strategizes.. its hard to be present.

Anyways.. I'm calmer then I have ever been in my whole life... and I went out dancing tonight and didn't drink and had the night of my life!!! I danced my ass off and was completely myself. sober!

and I love me!!!!!!!!!

I have finally realized that i have been looking for the beauty in things my whole life so that I have reason to believe there is good in everything.. even the bad things.... I realized that I have always found it... and so I should start trusting the universe... that it all happens exactly as it should... like the waxing and waning of the moon or the cycles of the morning glory....

so I am trying to embrace every moment... for what ever it gives me....

tonight I felt free for the first time in my life... I think just letting T. go... being present and no longer being attached to what happens in the future.... but striving for the best.... freed me. I finally realize that I really am a great person.... and that I need to be the kind of person that I like.

I had no idea this is how it could feel. and I sincerely hope this feeling doesn't go away!.. but I can already start feeling the self doubt creep in :(

but right now... I feel like I finally understand the line..... and you never knew how fabulous you really look. .....lol.... neauty is found on the inside. and I can finally see clearly... I can see the good people. I know what kinds of people I want around me!!!!

NICE PEOPLE. I am a nice person. and I like nice people. and as far as I am converened... niceness in this world is beautiful.. and thats what I celebrate... people who are still nice when everything has shat on them.

so ya. I feel amazing. I have started yoga too... oh and the LTC chose my idea for our project :) which makes me unbelievably proud and excited.. that I am actually going to create something interesting and exciting!!!

and its going to help people!

I am so proud of the person I have become.. and its all through all the shit that I have been through! its amazing!

A.

forgiveness.

This week stripped me down... who am I kidding this semester stripped me down. I was justlaying in bed, with a pure sense of calmness, unlike anything i have ever felt before and I got this feeling that i needed to record how I a feeling.. I was going to write in my journal, but thought this was faster.. and in the end, mabe one person might read this and get something out of it. This is the first day in forver that I got to just be with myself.

So much has happened over the past year... the past 10 years... the past 29.... its like i havenever had room to breathe... always worrying about something. Rent, school, pans, men, sex, everything I am not yet and everything I want to be... and I think that I am finally coming into my own... I think at the root of it is this sense of trusting myself... and with trusting myself I have to believe that te universe is breathing through me.. so by default I am trusting the universe... the energy that feeds the plants, the trees, the animals.... it took care of me... somehow I got through everything.. and I am emerging on the other side... better for having been through all the experiences.. so how can I be angry anymore at the universe?

This week.... last Friday a friend of mine died.. we were never realy close, but I worked with him years ago... and he got a friend of his to tell me he had gone into the hospital... I was really touched that he thoguht of me... and went through the spectrum of emotions.. on how to help him with alternative medicine, to trying to get down there, but couldn't because of money, school and also being partially in denial... he died last week and I was forced to look at it... to find the lesson.. because something I have learned from mom dying is that eventually, if you stay true to your heart.. you realize that the worst thing that happened, made you the person you are... and if you are proud of the person you are.. then you have to be thankful for the experience... there was a lot I learned from Cody.. both in life and death.... first and foremost to laugh. Cody laughed all the time.. was rediculous and let eveeryone be rediculous with him... people felt gotten by Cody.. and its something I want to do... he was rememebred for his positive outlook... and I think that I tend to look at my life like its a sob story... as opposed to being positive about it all... so I am forcing myself to be positive...

I wrote my exams on Tuesday and Wednesday... te irony that they both had things on cancer in them... went to the wake on Wednesday night... partied... went to the funeral on Saturday... hung out with old friends... worked on Friday for 8 hours... partied... Saturday.. partied.. Sunday...got a bottle of wine... took the tarp out with a banket went into the field... dictated a letter I wanted to write J... and just sat under the stars and watched the meteor shower.... just to enjoy the beauty that is the earth, the stars.. the universe.... its special when you get in sync with the beauty that exists just outside my door. I slept pretty much all day... and then got up... and did some of the things I had to do before I leave on Wednesday.

Dictating the letter.. and then watching the stars brought me a huge sense of peace around J.. I realize that I had forgiven him when he hit me... I forgave him for everything.. until I couldn't forgive anymore.. and I needed out... I have been incredibly angry that he left and didn't fight.. and yet I have been incredibly thankful that everything happened, because I had forgotten how independent I am... or I had never been so aware... I realized through all this that I am a beautiful person.. that I am kind.. and thoughtful... and people like being around me.. that I have friends that love me.. even if they don't agree with me all the time.. or they don't understand me completely. I learned that when I trust the universe.... it takes care of me... I realized that I love living in the country and I don't want to live in the city. I have learned that I worry so much about what everyone else will think.. so I have been sorting out what I want from when I think others want from me... and I have found that I truly just love people. I understand people... and I forgive them for what they don't know.... I forgive J.

I started thinking that I had focused on al the bad things because it was easier to palate that we were breaking up when I hated him... but trusting my heart tells me that he trully is a good guy in his heart... that we had something really special... and that what happened between us wasn't fake... but that it was the depth of my love and the depth of his love that forced us to break when we were confronted with what we didn't want.... our relatinship taught me what I really want and what I am not going to settle for....

With regards to sex... I have also had sex with two men this week... two very different men... and alot of feelings came up around them... first I needed it.. but second.. its not what I really want for my life anymore... that I really enjoy the closeness that can't be forced in a one night stand.... I like slow... loving touch... and that comes only from being completely in the moment... so alcohol forces the not caring.. and the being in the moment, but misses the best part.. the intimacy that comes from sharing that experience with someone that you admire and respect... so... we'll see how that goes... but I think I no longer want to sleep with men. I realize that I really just enjoy being on my own... doing things just for the sake of doing them.. like laundry, writing, reading... I want to start learning the guitar.. and taking all the time I have to focus entirely on myself... and what I love...

I called J this morning to ask if he wanted to come down for the day and we could pack together... everyone I know has told me they think its a bad idea to be here when he is here.. they are worried for my safety.. especially considering I told them about him hitting me... but in my heart I know that he wouldn't do it again.... and that he would only get to that point if he had no other options and now that we are no longer together... he doesn't feel so trapped. I was thinking that with mom I was in complete denial about the experience... and with J. I have had the past couple of months be angry, be in denial.. and now I am thankful for the love.. thankful for the breakup... and know that I love him.. and that I want to honour breaking up. That thank god we don't have kids.. but if we did.. we would have to see eachother.. we would have to deal.. so why not force myself to deal with it...

I had this fantasy of just being positive and pack... and just be present with eachother... entirely to the other person... with no personal attachment to what he said.. just spend a day daying good bye... without the pain inside.

I called him this morning to suggest it. He was out on a fishing trip... I was really nervous.. and cried a little.. but suggested it.. and asked him what he thought and he said thankyou... that he really appreciated it. He said he was really good.. and I felt myself be happy for him.. which made me know that I really do love him... and that its difficult to love someone and let them go... but we still have a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes I feel like he is my soul mate still, just because I love him for him.. for all the things he wants... and thats important... but then I think that maybe he was just my soul mate for right now....and if thats the case... well then that's ok too.

Basically I am up for anything.. I want the universe to just give me exactly what I need.. and accept it all for what it is.

He told me he would figure out what he was going to do and get back to me... either way... he didn't.. and the weirdest thing happened.. I wasn't angry.. I just figured it was whatever it was for him.. and maybe it was just that I needed to extend the hand... and still not see him. ... who knows.

Through all this I got an email this week from C that really closed the door for me... we had been talking.. and were going to get together... he was showing me a completely different side to him and it was awesome.. I was so excited to see him again.. and then he fell off the planet again.. I went through frustration to anger.. to love... and he finally wrote me back and told me that he realized that he just wanted to use me... fuck me.. and that it wasn't fair.... I couldn't believe it. I thanked him for his honesty and for protecting me from himself and told him when he was ready to be friends to let me know.

I think I am finally learning how to let people go without struggle... with just love....

Watching the meteor shower last night was incredible... just me.. under the stars... I felt the earth... felt that it was conspiring for me... tried to imagine the vastness that is the universe... I felt my love for it.. and it for me... that i was part of it all... no matter how small I am.... that I am part of it all... I felt my love inside.. and I really just love people.. and that's ok.

I notice these moments are coming alot faster now... it used to be only once or twice a year that I would feel truly calm and happy.. now its happening atleast once a month.. and this one is the most significant. I feel like I am finally forgiving the people i love.. and forgiving the universe for giving me all the struggles I have experienced.... forgiveness... true forgiveness..... who knew?

I am learning to really love myself... deeply enough to figure out my deepest desires... and honouring them... without judgement. I can't imagine no longer judging myself :)

i have to go to sleep.
Angels on your pillow.
A.

FEELING... your anger.

So what I am beginning to realize is that you have to actually force yourself to feel the emotions you don't want to... I have been telling myself for months now that being angry isn't going to help.. isn't going to do anything... but then this week school slowed down.... for the first time in 3 months I don't have anything due... and tomorrow I have a day off.... and so all the emotions I haven't had time for started bubbling to the service... all night I found myself trying to watch TV, thinking about who I could call.... smoking... doing ANYTHING i could to distract myself.. meanwhile.. in my head there's a little voice that's reminding me that it feels really good to write in my journal.. that when I force myself to put pen to paper something changes inside me.. there's a release.... and man was there EVER...

I have been realizing that I have alot of anger... and I haven't had a place to release it.... and now I do... just writing out how angry I am at what J did was helpful.... and its validating.. writing it down and looking at it makes it real.. he did these things... he is this person..

I also realized that I have been terrified.. like I mean terrified.... I noticed that I know that he's been writing things on his facebook just to piss me off... just to make me think he's not hurting... purposefully trying to hurt me... and it does..to be honest when someone tries to hurt me on purpose they do.... and I really don't want them in my life anymore... so here I am, hurt and not wanting J. in my life anymore.. but I can't delete him from facebook... are you fucking idding me? I mean what the fuck is my problem.... so I asked... part of it was because I want to have him ACTUALLY see how I prosper and grow... but REALLY.. it is because I am terrified of him.

He has hurt me as many ways another person can hurt someone... and I'm scared that he's going to take that little bit that he hasn't taken yet... and YET.... I am in the process of realizing... o looking around me and realizing.. that somehow I got him out of my house...without any money in the bank and no car... being in nursing school and having to work... he left the house... he paid for the rent for the summer... I got a car and I can stay in this house, I am totally going to pass this semester with a 90 average, and all without him.... I can do this on my own.. i am fully capable... and all the things in the house I am worried about him taking, or breaking.... I told myself tonight that "you're worth more than these things, your feelings matter more than any of this, and if you don't want him in your life anymore.. then don't and don't be scared he's going to ruin your life... he already tried... and you won that battle... there's nothing more he can do. YOU ARE FREE.

I have no idea how this is going to play out... I don't know if he's goiing to lose his shit and start seeking revenge because he cannot handle me deleting him, or if he's going to act like an adult and appologize and respect my boundaries. THESE ARE MY BOUNDARIES... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE..... you hateful, selfish, manipulative, insensitive, abusive, vampire. You sucked the happiness out of me.. and I am going to fight to get it back....and I wish you all the luck in the world... you have NO FREAKING idea the kind of love you just through away..... it takes so much to turn me... and congratulations you have....you are toxic.

Thank you for all the beauty you showed me, for making me realize what love really is.. and what love is not. and you my friend.. have NO IDEA what love is....

I'll tell you what love is... and I'll tell you what love is not.

love is feeling like you are understood - not feeling like your boyfriend is embarrassed by your bubbly personality
love is feeling like you can be yourself 100% and never have to appologize for being you - not being told to quiet down when you are excited... and you rarely get excited because people have always told you to mellow out and quiet down... life can be pretty dreary, and boring.. so when I get excited.. LET ME FUCKING GET EXCITED.. and maybe jump in... and be excited with me... you could do well to encorporate this.

love is laughing - not telling racist jokes or make sarcastic remarks and then when I don't laugh telling me that i don't have a sense of humour and there is something wrong with me.. and when I get hurt telling me I'm overly sensitive.... people tell jokes to make people laugh.. not hurt them or insult them... its not ME that doesn't have the sense of humour its YOU dumbass.

love is hope... hope for a beautiful future, one that I can be proud of being part of... so when I am hopefully and smiling and talking about how we all need to be good to eachother... its not you telling me that its not practical and that you are a realist.... you condescending ass hole. Just because I am hopeful doesn't mean I am stupid.. it meeans that I wake up each day hoping for a brighter tomorrow... and making today the best day I've had so far.

love is compassion - its helping the little old lady at the baggage claim - its not telling me that you are worried that you are going to cheat on me if I don't lose weight.... you son of a bitch that hurt me deep

love is kindness - its not telling me that you are worried about me because I miss my mother so much.... like I have a problem.. you try being someone like me and then the only person in the whole world that truly loved you and understood you dies. GO FUCK YOURSELF.... I get to miss her forever.. and honour her in leaving you..... she would be so proud because leaving you and your type of manipulative kind... was something my mother never could do... I MADE HER PROUD BY LEAVING YOU... HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

Love is sexy - its not telling me that you've had better sex with someone else, and there's something wrong with me.. when you are so self conscious.. and think all sex should be part of a porn.

love is feeling like the other person adores you ... its not being told that women should have stayed in the home....

love is feeling safe - not worrying everytime I was hurt that you were going to leave me high and dry with no car and no money in this house.... NOT telling you about my past... being so vulnerable and have you write a HUGE letter telling me how big a slut I am, how much you feel betrayed.... how dirty I am and how embarrassed for yourself you are.... well NEWSFLASH.. I am embarrassed that I still thought you might be a good guy after this.. I am embarrassed that I didn't cut and run that day.... you jerk. and its certainly NOT being head butted because I was so upset that youpush me away....

love is tenderness... not pain

love is breathing together, not getting mad when I want to go to bed early just to hang out.

love is connection - deep energetic connection - not being told that energy is bullshit... MORON.. what the hell do you think atoms are.

love is loyal - not leaving me on the side of the road after telling me you would love your ex 10 times more than you would ever love me... and that I was fat..... and then expecting me to appologize.. and when I didn't telling me you really didn't love me and you had to leave me... because it was my fault....

love is freeing - like really freeing where someone is there to remind you of who you really are - even when you forget - its not telling me that there must be something wrong with me if someone doesn't like me.... that I am too dramatic... I am not too dramatic.. I AM TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH - teling me "what are you going to do about it, I own the car, and I pay for the rent.. I have all the control." OH YA? I'm sorry WHAT? YOU DO NOT CONTROL ME.. I am fiercly independent.I LOVED YOU - that is not possessive... I wasn't there because I had to be.. I was tehre because I loved you... because I wanted to be there.... the second you wanted to control me was the second I no longer wanted to be there.

love is sweet, like picnics and kisses just because... wild flowers and poems... love is lighter than air... and feels like coming home.

love is adventurous but comforting - not being told that you would rather be with someone who already knows how to camp.... knows how to do everything.. that you hate having to teach me... what's wrong with you? The best thing in the world is having something you can share with someone.

love is not being able to keep your hands off eachother... NOT telling me that you aren't very attracted to me... and that you don't want to have sex with me.

love is intoxicating.. not suffocating

love is understanding.. not telling me that what I believe in is bullshit, when you would never listen... and tell me that I am crazy..... newsflash, I am WAY more knowledgeable. I KNOW SHIT.. I have been through SO MUCH IN MY LIFE.. you can't even begin to shake a stick at the things that I KNOW... and if only you were willing to trust me.. and believe in me.. I could have taught you... but NO.. you know EVERYTHING.... well good for you... you keep trying to cookie cutter yourself and think you are so freaking wonderful..... and I'll stay my pretty damn fine coarse to happiness.

love is cooking a meal together.. not getting mad when I ask you if you would help me make cookies.... or offering to cook dinner with the ONLY ingredient I HATE>..... and then getting mad at me for "ruining your plans." WHAT THE FUCK KINDS OF TACTIC IS THAT?

love is noticing - noticing when I was having a rough day... and loving me anyways... its not pulling all this shit when I was in exams..... I'm in NURSING SCHOOL! do you know how hard this is????? fuck you for jeaopardizing this for me... I WANT THIS.. I FUCKING NEED THIS... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE SO I CAN LIVE THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS>>> BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN THEM.

love is real...


and in the end I know.. you can't find love until you tell what's not love to take a hike. ALL I WANT IS LOVE. that's it

I'm getting stronger.... slowly but surely I am starting to realize how great of a person I am.. and how I trully deserve eauty and love.. I have never let anything in my life corrupt my heart... my hope.. and my love... they can try.... but I am learning pretty quickly that everything I get through makes me stronger... SO BRING ON THE PAIN... because then I will be unstoppable.

What I have learned from this relationship about myself.

I am incredibly smart.. I know things I didn't even know I knew.. I can talk about so many topics.. I love learning, and I really appreciate when someone takes the time out of their lives to teach me somehting I didn't know before.

I am STRONG - like REALLY strong. I cannot believe that I am here... at the end of my first year.. dealing with all of this shit.. and not only am I here.. but I live in a beautiful house.. and have a good job and am doing exceedingly well in school

I AM BEAUTIFUL - inside and out.. I have lost 35 lbs... and I will lose 30 more.. and I wil be smoking hot.... the way I have always wanted to feel

I AM UNDERSTANDING - I really forgave him for so many things... I understand that we only know what we know.... and that sometimes our interpretation of what is right and wrong was calibrated on a misaligned frequency.. ie. when your dad is abusive to your mom.. you have no clue that you picked up the same habits... and I don't blame you.. its just your responsibility to own that you have... and change it.


I AM LOYAL - through all of this I have never even thought of cheating.. I still thought maybe we would be able to work it out at the very end... I had so much hope.. and I had given my heart completely... and I wasn't going to give up... but I told him in the beginning.. I would leave the second I feel like he doesn't care anymore.

I AM LOVING - I loved deeper than I have ever loved before.

I have learned that I LOVE being outdoors, that I love having a dog, that I love living in the country, I have learned that I can do anthing that I put my mind to.. and FINALLY I have LEARNED.. that the voice inside me.. is both everything and ME... its the universe guiding me... and when I listen.. when I trust myself... everything always works out... to my benefit.. even though its painful.. it makes me stronger.. more alive and more resiliant.

i need sleep.
A.

love and hate

I think I finally understand what it means when they say that hate and love are so close to eaachother. To really hate... you have to really love.. and feel wronged. To give everything to someone... all the love and compassion and understanding you hold inside.. and have them continue to hurt.. continue to throw it in your face... continue to just be mean for the sake of being mean. To have completely disregarded all of your feelings... for their own... to deliberately take your love and use that against you.... they have to take your very precious love.. that sacred part of you that is help only for a special few.. and abandon it, use it... disregard it... stomp on it. That's how I feel about J.

I feel crushed. When I let myself go to the place in my body where the hurt from this relationship resides.. its pure anger. Pure hate... and pure love.

I waffle. There are moments where I remember all the beautiful moments we shared.. and I miss him... I miss him so much it hurts.. I am reminded of how deep my love for him goes... and then just as deep as that love goes... the hurt goes too. the hurt is as deep as the love... and that is why I can understand what they mean when they say that hate is so close to love.. because withot loving to the ends of your soul.. you cannot be hurt to the ends of your soul. And he did just that.

Whenever I have week moments and want to call him, or write him... I tell myself no. There are moments when I think of just writing "hi" and I tell myself "no" I have to tell myself every single day.. atleast 20 times a day "you deserve more". It's soooo difficult to be so self disciplined in my emotions... to remain steadfast in my resolve that I do deserve more and will get exactly what I have dreamt of. But so much of my time is spent trying to convince myself.... fighting against the part of me that wants so desperately for J. to love me.. that wants to beg him to forgive me.... because in a way I know that if I sold out on myself... we could work.

Its weird not having friends that call you once in a while to tell you that they are so proud of you being in nursing school.... its weird that in the past 6 weeks.. the only people that check on me are Julia, Britt and my brother Barry. Julia its more like we are talking... so she just knows... Britt same thing.. and Barry actually texts to see if I am ok. But everyone seems to want to be avoiding me... avoiding me struggling... not wanting to get too close... its weird...

Jess says its weird too.

Honestly I have no idea what I would do without Jess. There's no way that I would still be in school. I would have certainly dropped out. She is the only person I talk to. She is the only person I see. She is my best friend for sure right now. I have never had a friend like her... its really cool. I know she has my back.. and she will be 100%... because she has my best interests at heart.... no matter how I feel about hearing the truth. She'll always tell me the truth.

So ya. Love and hate. I cannot believe he squeezed every last drop of love out of me. I mean really? I can be pushed to the end of my soul.. and I will still love you.. and he certainly did that. To finally have to say ENOUGH.

He said that he didn't want to burn any bridges and that in 5 years.. maybe... what I struggle with is there is no chance in hell. I have no more love to give. He hurt me deeper than any person EVER in my ENTIRE life. and people have hurt me.

Its so hard to admit that the man you love...isn't a good man. To actually have to admit... that he is mean, and manipulative.. and he has a brain.. and that I can no longer give him excuses that he just doesn't see... that he could use his brain and figure it out.. but he refuses to. He's the meanest man I have ever met in my entire life.

He called me fat
He told me he was worried that he would cheat on me if I didn't lose weight
He told me that I'm not good in bed
He called me a slut
He told me it must be because I slept with so many dicks that my vagina is so loose
He told me that I just didn't understand men
He told me that I was overly sensitive
He told me that I was overly dramatic
He called me crazy
He told me he was embarrassed for me on numerous occasions
He told me that what I believe in was stupid
He told me I was crazy
He told me "what are you going to do about it, its my car.. and I pay for the rent... I have all the control... what are you going to do about it."
He made me feel sorry for him.
He told me he loved his ex fiance more than he could ever love me.
He left me on the side of the road.
Instead of appologizing he expected me to appologize.. and when I didn't... he drove away.. and that was the last time he lived here.

Yup... I can certainly say that no one has ever said most of those thngs to me... oh and did I mention he head butted me because I was freaking about about how unloved I felt.

and all this from a man who claimed he loved me.. who would send me flowers just to let me know he's thinking about me..
Who brought back a rock from an old mine because he knew how much I would appreciate it... I mean really? who brings back a rock... and whose girlfriend would appreciate it as much as me?
Who would write me love notes
Who would tell me how much he knew I could get through nursing school... man do I ever miss that... no one is telling me that right now.. and its hard to keep myself motivated.

this from a man that would dance around the kitchen and come over and kiss me... or who would teach me about the plants and nature.. who would laugh with me and go geocaching.. Who bought this colour flame stuff because he knew how much I would love it... every present he bought me was sentimental.. was exactly what I would want.... he put so much thought into making me happy.. when he wanted to make me happy.. and then he was so careless with his words. So careless with his anger.. as though I couldn't get hurt... as though it didn't matter.

He broke my heart... shattered it. It feels like a freight train plummeted into me.. and I miss him every day... but I have to tell myself. "NO" you cannot be with a man who hurts you so deeply.. just because they can be nice sometimes.. and that is freaking killing me. I will not beg. I will not ask. I'm not even talking to him anymore.

I've removed him.. and he's gone without a fight. It's weird.

But I guess in the end.. I just keep saying.. just get through this program... if you can do this... then you can do whatever you want after.

BC. YOGA. DANCE. BOXING. SURFING. LIVING IN THE COUNTRY. GARDEN. GUITAR. NICE CLOTHES. CAMPING SUPPLIES. KAYAK. CANOE. TRUCK. HEALTHY FOOD. TRAVEL. PHOTOGRAPHY - NEW CAMERA and PHOTOSHOP.

What I love to do costs money... I can't wait til I can afford the basics.

So ya... I have never been this emotionally disciplined in my entire life. Calm. Cenetered.. while everything else is off its rockers.

A