I'm in the moment of realizing how angry I am. How unbelievable angry I am that J. is not fighting for me. To love someone as deep as I love... and for them to just walk away as though it doesn't matter at all. I want to hit him.. I want to throw things.. I am so angry that he's walking away.
I'm realizing that I still care what he thinks... that I want to be amicable... and I am still doing what I was doing before.... trying to make myself be ok with everything. I can barely feel how upset I am... how angry I am... I still don't understand how someone could hurt the person they love most in the world as much as he has hurt me... I want to be ok. I want to let it go.. but man... and to know that I am worried about paying rent for the next few months.. that's why I am keepig it together... in order to survive.
I have to let it out.. I have to tell him I never want to see him again.. that he has hurt me too much.. that we are through.. that our relationship is sooo over.. that he can't get the good without the bad.. and that if he wants me.. he has to want all of me.. or none of me. and I have to face what comes next... for me.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
The Universe creates and provides
I'm buying a car tomorrow. I'm so freaking excited!!!
you know excitement is a really interesting thing... I have always known that if you cut off the bad emotions you don't get to feel the good ones either.. and there have been a few monumental things in the past few years that I knew i should be really excited about.. but I wasn't... like going to Korea, or getting into school, or getting an 85% avg. !! Or getting a letter from my father after waiting for 29 years!... I couldn't feel the excitement... and now.. having tired up all my loose ends.. and burning through this karma... I feel excited again! about my own life! and looking back I can see that everytime I felt excited I felt guilty.. any time that I put myself first people around me criticized me. and brought me down.. so I was scared! and now I see I have these beautiful people around me that just want to support me and for me to be happy and when I am excited they can be too! It's trully an amazing feeling.. and to watch everything unfold so perfectly. I needed a car for this weekend... and it happpened! My Uncle found it.. My aunt agreed to lend me the money, the insurance company got everything in order.. the mechanic fixed it up in time... I just so happened to get tomorrow off.. I was supposed to be in school... just everything! Now my brother is going to pick me up at the train station and drive me to the dealership.. and I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years?
Then I'm going to meet of with J. I'm bringing him his golf clubs. Its so amazing.. I'm living like there are no rules. I amm just following my heart.. and I truly just adore him! I wanted to talk to him tonight so I picked up the phone and called... it was so nice to just chat... and not be worried about what he thought... we just chatted... and it was lovely. He agreed that he would go hide the geocache with me when he was up again, so I'm happy about that. Freedom!
Anyways.. I got to go to bed!
night!
you know excitement is a really interesting thing... I have always known that if you cut off the bad emotions you don't get to feel the good ones either.. and there have been a few monumental things in the past few years that I knew i should be really excited about.. but I wasn't... like going to Korea, or getting into school, or getting an 85% avg. !! Or getting a letter from my father after waiting for 29 years!... I couldn't feel the excitement... and now.. having tired up all my loose ends.. and burning through this karma... I feel excited again! about my own life! and looking back I can see that everytime I felt excited I felt guilty.. any time that I put myself first people around me criticized me. and brought me down.. so I was scared! and now I see I have these beautiful people around me that just want to support me and for me to be happy and when I am excited they can be too! It's trully an amazing feeling.. and to watch everything unfold so perfectly. I needed a car for this weekend... and it happpened! My Uncle found it.. My aunt agreed to lend me the money, the insurance company got everything in order.. the mechanic fixed it up in time... I just so happened to get tomorrow off.. I was supposed to be in school... just everything! Now my brother is going to pick me up at the train station and drive me to the dealership.. and I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years?
Then I'm going to meet of with J. I'm bringing him his golf clubs. Its so amazing.. I'm living like there are no rules. I amm just following my heart.. and I truly just adore him! I wanted to talk to him tonight so I picked up the phone and called... it was so nice to just chat... and not be worried about what he thought... we just chatted... and it was lovely. He agreed that he would go hide the geocache with me when he was up again, so I'm happy about that. Freedom!
Anyways.. I got to go to bed!
night!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Freedom
I have never felt so free. So alive. So thankful.
I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...
Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.
Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...
Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.
I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.
what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.
So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...
I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.
One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.
I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.
Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.
This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.
Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.
Man I'm scared.
Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.
I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.
I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox
I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...
Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.
Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...
Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.
I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.
what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.
So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...
I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.
One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.
I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.
Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.
This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.
Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.
Man I'm scared.
Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.
I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.
I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
transition
So its interesting, for years that voice that whispers to me has always said, write down what you think... write down your realizations and revelations.. and sometimes I do.. and sometimes I don't.. but right now its louder than ever and I must.
I am in a clarity.. a transition if you will... and I know like life there are moments where you are on fire and everything is clicking and then something happens and you lose sight of something... get off track if you will and forget who you are... neither is good or bad.. its just transition... so I NEED to write down what is going on.
I broke up with J. Or he broke up with me... I really am not sure. He left and I let him.
It had been coming for a long while... every major fight we had made me feel closer and closer to the fact that I had to eventually find the strength to leave.
Its been so difficult because he brought so much beauty and light to my life.. he showed me love... he provided a house and a car and a dog, he encouraged me to get out into nature and grounded me in so many ways. I love him sooo much I can't even tell you... and so everytime I saw that he wasn't respecting me, or honouring me... my heart would break at the idea that I could not continue....
a month ago we had a fight where he said 2 things that changed everything "I hold all the cards...I pay for the apartment and the car... what are you going to do about it?" and "maybe you should just listen better, I'm the man."
I had never had someone actually say that outloud to me before.. and for the first time I CLEARLY saw.. that he wanted to control me.
It's interesting, because I know he is completely unaware of the impact that had on me... but I saw the life that I wanted for myself slip away in those two sentences and I thought... I will never get to be the woman I want to be under this suppression.
During one of our many conversations over the past few weeks I said to him that I've noticed that the closer he gets to thinking that I am the one he wants to marry, the meaner he gets.. the more controlling... my thoughts... that he is out of control, because I embody so much of what he doesn't agree with/understand about the world.. andI didn't show up the way he expected... I have not reached my full potential.. and instead of seeing the love that I have for him and cherishing it... he wanted to control it.. like so many men do... and in so doing has lost me.
The freedom I feel 5 days after the last time I saw him is unbelievable... and although I am sad that we need to break up... I am so incredibly thankful for the process... for everything.
Over the past few days I have noticed that something has lifted inside of me and memories long lost have been resurfacing.. a review of some of my life...
I am coming home... to myself... and with every step towards self honouring, self love, self actualization.. what ever you want to call it... I am loving my mother and appreciating her even more.
I come from a different world. I was raised by a hippie, who knew more about health than anyone she knew.. and she was always criticized because it was different.... I was loved to the end of the universe and my mother trully believed that I was given to her to take care of and to build my own wings... we had bumps along the way.. because of course we are only human... but at the end of the day she encouraged me in everything she could.. and wanted to be nothing but myself.
As I got older I saw how she was treated... and I wanted to be accepted.. so I started to treat her similarily... but most of all, I started treating myself like that.. and the past 15 years have been the fall, and the rebirth of those beliefs, but this time from education, knowledge and experience.
I have experienced a life like no one I know. I do what I want. I always have.. and I have always believed it was going to work. I question myself... all the time.. but when I don't life has always just shown up for me... and I am scared to admit that because I am scared of the criticism... but that is the truth. When you trust the universe by trusting the voice inside you.. the voice that always knows best.... the universe provides.
I never thought I would be so happy when I am so sad... so thankful... full of love for life... when I can't bear the thought of seeing him again when he comes to get his things. I keep hoping that something will change in him and he will realize that my love is soul deep... that its the kind of love people dream of... the kind of love he wants... but he is so stubborn, so hell bent on believing what he does.. that he doesn't see the beauty of life staring at him... he has moments... but not the kind ofmoment that would require a complete shift in awareness.. a complete shift in love.
I have always felt that one of the things holding me back was my fear of losing people.. especially men.. it is something that keeps me a certain way, or changes me... I'm scared to be judged.. and not liked... and have felt very alone in my life, so I keep people... and I worry that if I say what I believe I won't be liked anymore.. I will be judged. to be honest... I don't want to be someone who believes in myths and legends.. and a man standing above us.. dictating our lives to us.... I believe in science... and the more I learn.. the more I realize that science is starting to explain what I know to be true.. what I have always known to be true.
We are GOD. Anything you know jesus said is true... its the interpretation that's all fucked up.. and it is not him who must be idolized its who he said we could be.... my favorite"forgive them, they know not what they do."
Its interesting.. I have noticed that so many people say that person is manipulating me... or he is intentionally being mean... but the truth is... most people have no idea.. they are so caught up in their own weird shit in their OWN head... that they think that they are protecting themselves.. or getting what they want... but power does not equal happiness.. and anyone who has tasted true freedom... the freedom to go anywhere and be anyone... that can't be bought. It's an inner quality.. anyone who has tasted true love... knows that can't be bought. Anyone who has experienced pride... knows that can't be bought... people seek happiness in all the wrong places... where we feel empty.. like there is a void in us... a sadness... and what I am realizing that that space that is missing is me. It's scary trying to find yourself.. and to be honest.. its organic.. there are no rules to discovering who you are.. or how to find yourself.. how to turn in... how to start loving yourself...
but I started with 2 things.
1. Everytime I catch myself saying something negative about myself I would say I love you...you are awesome.. or some relation to that... sometimes I would simply say ctrl alt delete, which is something someone told me they do.. man I wish I remembered who that was... at first it was difficult, because I believed the shit I told myself... because as far as I was concerned.. I was... you know what I am talking about.. that voice who when you do stupid shit like burn toast tells yourself that you are stupid and what the fuck.. etc. Or when you dissapoint someone and you think they will never love you again because you are such a fuck up... I will tell you though.. it took a long time to start catching myself. First it was just saying nice things to myself.. like you are beautiful.. I am beautiful.... my stomach would feel weird.. I felt uncomfortable... because I didn't believe it.. and I am honest to a fault.. so I felt like I was betraying myself... but the more and more I started saying nice things to myself.. the more and more I started believing it... at first I caught myself once every month, saying a shitty thing to myself.. then is was once every couple of weeks... I would forget again.. and then the net time I would remember I would praactice... over time the times started getting mroe frequently.. until I started catching myself saying shitty things to myself... actually WHILE I was saying something shitty to myself... and so in the process I was changing my dialogue with myself...
I think one of the hardest things for most people going through self discovery is the practical side of things.. its all great to learn about everything from an intelectual standpoint.. but how tdo you integrate that... for me the question is always "WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE". well that's what that step looks like... not pretty, annoying a struggle and I would forget all the time... the point though is to just do it when you remember.. and you aren't allowed to get mad at yourelf for not remembering.. because the whole tast is to stop berating yourself... I have had to learn to stop hating on myself so much and thinking that I am a complete fuck up... only then did things start to really change... I still ahve so far to go... but that was the beginning.
2.
The goal in life is to really be true to yourself.. and the only way to become true to yourself is by trusting yourself.. and the only way to trust yourself is to start listening to yourself.. and the only way to start listening to yourself is to stop being a bully to yourself... start being nice.. its not selfish.. its selfLESS.. because when you start listening to that inner voice.. the one that whispers to you through feeling... and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder and louder until finally you are so sick you have to sleep more.. whatever it is... whereever you feel it.. its there.. its intuition.
Intuition for me is the feeling that says that I know best... no one else. and if I listen.. everything will work out.. Now don't get me wrong I am not writing this to preach.. I freaking have no idea most of the time.. I am simply sharing my own experience in the hopes that it will help someone else feel like there is someone who understands...
It's 3:30am.. of course.. and I have to go to sleep because I am going to the gym tomorrow... but I felt that I really needed to write something down.. what I was thinking.
What I feel about J is... well there's a lot.. but for right now... that I am leaving at eactly the right time.. that everytime we got into a fight and I would yell about how he wasn't accepting me for me.. and if he was going to trully love me he had to let me be me... When he told me that he was scared that he was going to cheat on me if I didn't lose weight, that what I believed in was rediculous, that I was naive and didn't really understand the world.. that I had no sense of humour, that I wasn't feminine enough... that everytime he said anything mean to me or questioned who I was... I realized that he is simply saying EXACTLY what I tell myself. That he was an exact mirror of me and my EGO. And everytime I stood up to him.. I no longer had any more ecuses to think that of myself... because how the hell could I tell him he was being rediculous and not tell myself the exact same thing... I learned from every fight that I was better than that..
I had hope that through me standing up for myself and growing.. he too would grow.. but one thing I have realized very recently is that I must take care of my inner love.. my inner heart... and I must learn to honour myself.. honour that voice.
I noticed our last fight that I kept talking to him even though he was saying aweful things to me.. that I kept engaging.. which finally lead up to this week where he got mad again and said the two things that scared me the most... that he loved his ex more than me.. and that I was fat. and for the first time in my entire life I actually said ENOUGH.We were at a stop sign and in a split second I heard inside me... GET OUT.. you don't DESERVE THIS... get out get out get out.. this is your life.. you get to decide what happens.. I unbuckled my seat belt.. and instead of threatening or thinking.. I looked behind.. made sure I was safe and I knew I had just enough time to jump out of the car and get to the other side of the road.
I removed myself from the pain.
I sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes and when I realized that he wasn't coming back.. I walked.... in that time I talked to my friend and got coached on what was going on... a few things she said that have stuck with me is... look at where you are right now...feel it. you are walking home...and the man you love isn't coming to get you... you never want to feel like this again...
and 2. what ever happens you have to promise yourself you will not fight with him.
I called him 30 minutes later and he responded an hour later... and came and picked me up. When he picked me up he appologized for saying the things that would hurt me the most (something that we have been talking about and he is starting to be aware of.. but can't seem to change.) I said ok. in the calmest, unjudgemental way possible. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say and I cheerfully responded "no."
When we got home he asked if there was really was nothing I wanted to say.. and again I responded with a cheerful no.. and then as I grabbed a beer a book and decided to go sit on the back lawn.. I heard him under his breath say "this is your last chance"
I didn't react I just went and sat in the back yard. I figured Id take a few hours.. and we would talk.. but instead he packed the car and came over to me and said "I thought i loved you, but I have to leave" I said ok.
there is more to the story.. as he drove away and then came back. We talked for about 25 more minutes... in which time i remained unbelievably calm and composed and spoke my truth. that the only thing I ever asked for was to be respected... and that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect me. He couldn't see it.... and left.
I haven't heard from him in 5 days... and although I have had moments of shear break down... I have had more moments of insight and my heart is so open to love.
I knew that one day I was going to have to face my fear of losing everything and follow my heart. That this very act was going to change me... because in the moment I cared more for myself than the car, the job, the house, the fun, the food, the dog...and all the love I had received from him.. in that moment I realized that I was enough....and that I deserved more.
I do not hate J.. because through every fucked up scenario I have become stronger, built my self esteem, and become more convicted in my beliefs... through this relationship I found myself... and through letting him go.. I found my strength... my love for myself.
I had been planning it.. but had been so scared because I couldn't figure out logistics... but it was when I didn't care about logisitics anymore.. and I listened to my heart in the moment that it was happening.. all I could hear was "don't resist.. go with the flow" and I let him go.
I do not know what will happen between us... all I know is that I had to go through this in order to believe myself more.. in order to believe in the universe more... and that whatever he needs in order to have his heart cracked open.. could clearly only happen if I had made that choice.
J is so close.. the life he has lived has created this beautiful man... I simply see that he, like I, is terrified of who he really is.. of his true dreams.. and that is what gets in the way of our love... I only hope one day J will realize the depth and magnitude of my love... and love himself... accept himself and his love and blossom into the beautiful man I know he is...
I am so unbelievably thankful, that J had the belief in being completely honest.... because his honesty opened me up.. even though it hurt... and that everything happens for a reason.
I am still struggling with logistics, and with all the other things I do against myself like smoking, drinking, eating meat, not dancing, not doing yoga.. etc. I am working on them one little bit at a time... but since listening to my heart... beauty hass just unfolded around me... my family and friends are supporting me like I have never experienced before... I am opening my heart to love.. and it is all around... the trick though is it is a process.. I always wanted to jump to the other end... but its the process.. and listening to your heart.
My convictions now are, when we finally do talk again... to not get mad.. to stay in this space that I felt today.. today there was a moment of pure clarity and I realized that I am awesome. Not in the vain narcissistic way.. but in the way of realizing that I have lived a life with no regrets. and I am still hopeful.. that I am one of the best people I know.. and i would want to be my friend... and that I deserve everything I ever dreamed of. (of course its going to take alot of hard work... and I still have a lot of growing up to do.. but in the end... I'll get it) So... I hope that I can somehow find it in myself to stay in that place when I see him again.. and not try to fix it or try to get him to see like I always do.. but rather .. remain calm... loving.. and tell him that he has a lot of growing up to do.. and I won't stay with someone who hurts me. EVER. I love him. I always will, and I believe in my heart that someday he will realize... but that I have to let him do that on his own... I can do nothing to fi him.. except to allow myself to accept that this relationship is over... for now.
peace. acceptance. I have realized I am the epitome of the tarot card "the fool" a fool goes on loving, even when people hurt them.. goes on loving and trusting... open to the world... to the universe and to others... and I finally realized what the expression fools don't suffer lightly means.... that even though us fools look naive... we do not suffer lightly.. we have been broken and have put the pieces back together.. and that is specifically WHY we are fools. Because we see the value in love... and it is our highest goal... we suffer.. but then we appreciate life so much more.
I am so thankful for llife... for the beauty of life and to watch it unfold in a brilliant manner. one step at a time.
I got tot go to sleep we are running tomorrow.
I am in a clarity.. a transition if you will... and I know like life there are moments where you are on fire and everything is clicking and then something happens and you lose sight of something... get off track if you will and forget who you are... neither is good or bad.. its just transition... so I NEED to write down what is going on.
I broke up with J. Or he broke up with me... I really am not sure. He left and I let him.
It had been coming for a long while... every major fight we had made me feel closer and closer to the fact that I had to eventually find the strength to leave.
Its been so difficult because he brought so much beauty and light to my life.. he showed me love... he provided a house and a car and a dog, he encouraged me to get out into nature and grounded me in so many ways. I love him sooo much I can't even tell you... and so everytime I saw that he wasn't respecting me, or honouring me... my heart would break at the idea that I could not continue....
a month ago we had a fight where he said 2 things that changed everything "I hold all the cards...I pay for the apartment and the car... what are you going to do about it?" and "maybe you should just listen better, I'm the man."
I had never had someone actually say that outloud to me before.. and for the first time I CLEARLY saw.. that he wanted to control me.
It's interesting, because I know he is completely unaware of the impact that had on me... but I saw the life that I wanted for myself slip away in those two sentences and I thought... I will never get to be the woman I want to be under this suppression.
During one of our many conversations over the past few weeks I said to him that I've noticed that the closer he gets to thinking that I am the one he wants to marry, the meaner he gets.. the more controlling... my thoughts... that he is out of control, because I embody so much of what he doesn't agree with/understand about the world.. andI didn't show up the way he expected... I have not reached my full potential.. and instead of seeing the love that I have for him and cherishing it... he wanted to control it.. like so many men do... and in so doing has lost me.
The freedom I feel 5 days after the last time I saw him is unbelievable... and although I am sad that we need to break up... I am so incredibly thankful for the process... for everything.
Over the past few days I have noticed that something has lifted inside of me and memories long lost have been resurfacing.. a review of some of my life...
I am coming home... to myself... and with every step towards self honouring, self love, self actualization.. what ever you want to call it... I am loving my mother and appreciating her even more.
I come from a different world. I was raised by a hippie, who knew more about health than anyone she knew.. and she was always criticized because it was different.... I was loved to the end of the universe and my mother trully believed that I was given to her to take care of and to build my own wings... we had bumps along the way.. because of course we are only human... but at the end of the day she encouraged me in everything she could.. and wanted to be nothing but myself.
As I got older I saw how she was treated... and I wanted to be accepted.. so I started to treat her similarily... but most of all, I started treating myself like that.. and the past 15 years have been the fall, and the rebirth of those beliefs, but this time from education, knowledge and experience.
I have experienced a life like no one I know. I do what I want. I always have.. and I have always believed it was going to work. I question myself... all the time.. but when I don't life has always just shown up for me... and I am scared to admit that because I am scared of the criticism... but that is the truth. When you trust the universe by trusting the voice inside you.. the voice that always knows best.... the universe provides.
I never thought I would be so happy when I am so sad... so thankful... full of love for life... when I can't bear the thought of seeing him again when he comes to get his things. I keep hoping that something will change in him and he will realize that my love is soul deep... that its the kind of love people dream of... the kind of love he wants... but he is so stubborn, so hell bent on believing what he does.. that he doesn't see the beauty of life staring at him... he has moments... but not the kind ofmoment that would require a complete shift in awareness.. a complete shift in love.
I have always felt that one of the things holding me back was my fear of losing people.. especially men.. it is something that keeps me a certain way, or changes me... I'm scared to be judged.. and not liked... and have felt very alone in my life, so I keep people... and I worry that if I say what I believe I won't be liked anymore.. I will be judged. to be honest... I don't want to be someone who believes in myths and legends.. and a man standing above us.. dictating our lives to us.... I believe in science... and the more I learn.. the more I realize that science is starting to explain what I know to be true.. what I have always known to be true.
We are GOD. Anything you know jesus said is true... its the interpretation that's all fucked up.. and it is not him who must be idolized its who he said we could be.... my favorite"forgive them, they know not what they do."
Its interesting.. I have noticed that so many people say that person is manipulating me... or he is intentionally being mean... but the truth is... most people have no idea.. they are so caught up in their own weird shit in their OWN head... that they think that they are protecting themselves.. or getting what they want... but power does not equal happiness.. and anyone who has tasted true freedom... the freedom to go anywhere and be anyone... that can't be bought. It's an inner quality.. anyone who has tasted true love... knows that can't be bought. Anyone who has experienced pride... knows that can't be bought... people seek happiness in all the wrong places... where we feel empty.. like there is a void in us... a sadness... and what I am realizing that that space that is missing is me. It's scary trying to find yourself.. and to be honest.. its organic.. there are no rules to discovering who you are.. or how to find yourself.. how to turn in... how to start loving yourself...
but I started with 2 things.
1. Everytime I catch myself saying something negative about myself I would say I love you...you are awesome.. or some relation to that... sometimes I would simply say ctrl alt delete, which is something someone told me they do.. man I wish I remembered who that was... at first it was difficult, because I believed the shit I told myself... because as far as I was concerned.. I was... you know what I am talking about.. that voice who when you do stupid shit like burn toast tells yourself that you are stupid and what the fuck.. etc. Or when you dissapoint someone and you think they will never love you again because you are such a fuck up... I will tell you though.. it took a long time to start catching myself. First it was just saying nice things to myself.. like you are beautiful.. I am beautiful.... my stomach would feel weird.. I felt uncomfortable... because I didn't believe it.. and I am honest to a fault.. so I felt like I was betraying myself... but the more and more I started saying nice things to myself.. the more and more I started believing it... at first I caught myself once every month, saying a shitty thing to myself.. then is was once every couple of weeks... I would forget again.. and then the net time I would remember I would praactice... over time the times started getting mroe frequently.. until I started catching myself saying shitty things to myself... actually WHILE I was saying something shitty to myself... and so in the process I was changing my dialogue with myself...
I think one of the hardest things for most people going through self discovery is the practical side of things.. its all great to learn about everything from an intelectual standpoint.. but how tdo you integrate that... for me the question is always "WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE". well that's what that step looks like... not pretty, annoying a struggle and I would forget all the time... the point though is to just do it when you remember.. and you aren't allowed to get mad at yourelf for not remembering.. because the whole tast is to stop berating yourself... I have had to learn to stop hating on myself so much and thinking that I am a complete fuck up... only then did things start to really change... I still ahve so far to go... but that was the beginning.
2.
The goal in life is to really be true to yourself.. and the only way to become true to yourself is by trusting yourself.. and the only way to trust yourself is to start listening to yourself.. and the only way to start listening to yourself is to stop being a bully to yourself... start being nice.. its not selfish.. its selfLESS.. because when you start listening to that inner voice.. the one that whispers to you through feeling... and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder and louder until finally you are so sick you have to sleep more.. whatever it is... whereever you feel it.. its there.. its intuition.
Intuition for me is the feeling that says that I know best... no one else. and if I listen.. everything will work out.. Now don't get me wrong I am not writing this to preach.. I freaking have no idea most of the time.. I am simply sharing my own experience in the hopes that it will help someone else feel like there is someone who understands...
It's 3:30am.. of course.. and I have to go to sleep because I am going to the gym tomorrow... but I felt that I really needed to write something down.. what I was thinking.
What I feel about J is... well there's a lot.. but for right now... that I am leaving at eactly the right time.. that everytime we got into a fight and I would yell about how he wasn't accepting me for me.. and if he was going to trully love me he had to let me be me... When he told me that he was scared that he was going to cheat on me if I didn't lose weight, that what I believed in was rediculous, that I was naive and didn't really understand the world.. that I had no sense of humour, that I wasn't feminine enough... that everytime he said anything mean to me or questioned who I was... I realized that he is simply saying EXACTLY what I tell myself. That he was an exact mirror of me and my EGO. And everytime I stood up to him.. I no longer had any more ecuses to think that of myself... because how the hell could I tell him he was being rediculous and not tell myself the exact same thing... I learned from every fight that I was better than that..
I had hope that through me standing up for myself and growing.. he too would grow.. but one thing I have realized very recently is that I must take care of my inner love.. my inner heart... and I must learn to honour myself.. honour that voice.
I noticed our last fight that I kept talking to him even though he was saying aweful things to me.. that I kept engaging.. which finally lead up to this week where he got mad again and said the two things that scared me the most... that he loved his ex more than me.. and that I was fat. and for the first time in my entire life I actually said ENOUGH.We were at a stop sign and in a split second I heard inside me... GET OUT.. you don't DESERVE THIS... get out get out get out.. this is your life.. you get to decide what happens.. I unbuckled my seat belt.. and instead of threatening or thinking.. I looked behind.. made sure I was safe and I knew I had just enough time to jump out of the car and get to the other side of the road.
I removed myself from the pain.
I sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes and when I realized that he wasn't coming back.. I walked.... in that time I talked to my friend and got coached on what was going on... a few things she said that have stuck with me is... look at where you are right now...feel it. you are walking home...and the man you love isn't coming to get you... you never want to feel like this again...
and 2. what ever happens you have to promise yourself you will not fight with him.
I called him 30 minutes later and he responded an hour later... and came and picked me up. When he picked me up he appologized for saying the things that would hurt me the most (something that we have been talking about and he is starting to be aware of.. but can't seem to change.) I said ok. in the calmest, unjudgemental way possible. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say and I cheerfully responded "no."
When we got home he asked if there was really was nothing I wanted to say.. and again I responded with a cheerful no.. and then as I grabbed a beer a book and decided to go sit on the back lawn.. I heard him under his breath say "this is your last chance"
I didn't react I just went and sat in the back yard. I figured Id take a few hours.. and we would talk.. but instead he packed the car and came over to me and said "I thought i loved you, but I have to leave" I said ok.
there is more to the story.. as he drove away and then came back. We talked for about 25 more minutes... in which time i remained unbelievably calm and composed and spoke my truth. that the only thing I ever asked for was to be respected... and that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect me. He couldn't see it.... and left.
I haven't heard from him in 5 days... and although I have had moments of shear break down... I have had more moments of insight and my heart is so open to love.
I knew that one day I was going to have to face my fear of losing everything and follow my heart. That this very act was going to change me... because in the moment I cared more for myself than the car, the job, the house, the fun, the food, the dog...and all the love I had received from him.. in that moment I realized that I was enough....and that I deserved more.
I do not hate J.. because through every fucked up scenario I have become stronger, built my self esteem, and become more convicted in my beliefs... through this relationship I found myself... and through letting him go.. I found my strength... my love for myself.
I had been planning it.. but had been so scared because I couldn't figure out logistics... but it was when I didn't care about logisitics anymore.. and I listened to my heart in the moment that it was happening.. all I could hear was "don't resist.. go with the flow" and I let him go.
I do not know what will happen between us... all I know is that I had to go through this in order to believe myself more.. in order to believe in the universe more... and that whatever he needs in order to have his heart cracked open.. could clearly only happen if I had made that choice.
J is so close.. the life he has lived has created this beautiful man... I simply see that he, like I, is terrified of who he really is.. of his true dreams.. and that is what gets in the way of our love... I only hope one day J will realize the depth and magnitude of my love... and love himself... accept himself and his love and blossom into the beautiful man I know he is...
I am so unbelievably thankful, that J had the belief in being completely honest.... because his honesty opened me up.. even though it hurt... and that everything happens for a reason.
I am still struggling with logistics, and with all the other things I do against myself like smoking, drinking, eating meat, not dancing, not doing yoga.. etc. I am working on them one little bit at a time... but since listening to my heart... beauty hass just unfolded around me... my family and friends are supporting me like I have never experienced before... I am opening my heart to love.. and it is all around... the trick though is it is a process.. I always wanted to jump to the other end... but its the process.. and listening to your heart.
My convictions now are, when we finally do talk again... to not get mad.. to stay in this space that I felt today.. today there was a moment of pure clarity and I realized that I am awesome. Not in the vain narcissistic way.. but in the way of realizing that I have lived a life with no regrets. and I am still hopeful.. that I am one of the best people I know.. and i would want to be my friend... and that I deserve everything I ever dreamed of. (of course its going to take alot of hard work... and I still have a lot of growing up to do.. but in the end... I'll get it) So... I hope that I can somehow find it in myself to stay in that place when I see him again.. and not try to fix it or try to get him to see like I always do.. but rather .. remain calm... loving.. and tell him that he has a lot of growing up to do.. and I won't stay with someone who hurts me. EVER. I love him. I always will, and I believe in my heart that someday he will realize... but that I have to let him do that on his own... I can do nothing to fi him.. except to allow myself to accept that this relationship is over... for now.
peace. acceptance. I have realized I am the epitome of the tarot card "the fool" a fool goes on loving, even when people hurt them.. goes on loving and trusting... open to the world... to the universe and to others... and I finally realized what the expression fools don't suffer lightly means.... that even though us fools look naive... we do not suffer lightly.. we have been broken and have put the pieces back together.. and that is specifically WHY we are fools. Because we see the value in love... and it is our highest goal... we suffer.. but then we appreciate life so much more.
I am so thankful for llife... for the beauty of life and to watch it unfold in a brilliant manner. one step at a time.
I got tot go to sleep we are running tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 3/when it starts paying off
He just says it comes down to hope.. and if there is no hope we are miserable...
There was a moment last year where I was almost fighting with my boyfriend and my cousin... about that we are turning a new leaf that we need to care about other people, even the poeple in Africa, the poor, the incarcarated.. that we need to realie we are all the same... they were arguing that we are not all the same... and I couldn't articulate my point... because well, I guess for me it just makes sense.. I don't know how to explain it.. it just IS in my world....
we talked about humanity fucking up the eaerth and ourselves... and I always say that I have hope that we will all be able to finally turn a leaf and believe.. believe in ourselves and in eachother.. and make changes that we need to make in order to survive and prosper.... after much discussion I finally said.. it is hope.. I have to have hope, because at the end of the day, why would I even try if there was no hope.
I believe in cycles. I believe that your life is cycles.. cycles of the same thing until you break free.. and I have noticed being self reflective since very young that I could never see what I needed to change until I could see the pattern.... because it is not a harmful thing until you continue to choose the same pattern expecting a different result... and that is how I stopped sleeping with men. I realized that it was the pattern in my life.. sleeping with a guy, thinking that he was going to realie how awesome I am, and want to be with me... when I realized it wasn't that I was going to the bar a few nights a week, and sleeping with men that didn't really care for me... that I was the KIND OF PERSON that would do that.... that's when I realized that I no longer wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone who valued themselves more than that. So through the action was the feeling.
Only through doing it did I feel like I could.
I remember when I realied that the decision wasn't temporary.. that I had to make the decision for ever.... that was so scary for me... because I was scared, I was scared that I would never have sex again. That I could never find that man... I didn't even know what that A.looked like. But making that decision changed everything. I told the universe that I wanted more and I deserved more... and I got more. By changing my actions. I got what I wanted. .. by saying enough to that which I was addicted to.
It would be interesting to re read this blog from that time and see what I was really feeling.. because of all the times in my life I think I documented that relatively well....
So in this moment I really want to share something big in my life.. something I haven't even really been able to digest... well there are actually two things that I haven't really sat down with myself to feel.. to understand... so this may be as good a time as any. .. never mind... I'll share it later....I'll keep watching the show first.
There was a moment last year where I was almost fighting with my boyfriend and my cousin... about that we are turning a new leaf that we need to care about other people, even the poeple in Africa, the poor, the incarcarated.. that we need to realie we are all the same... they were arguing that we are not all the same... and I couldn't articulate my point... because well, I guess for me it just makes sense.. I don't know how to explain it.. it just IS in my world....
we talked about humanity fucking up the eaerth and ourselves... and I always say that I have hope that we will all be able to finally turn a leaf and believe.. believe in ourselves and in eachother.. and make changes that we need to make in order to survive and prosper.... after much discussion I finally said.. it is hope.. I have to have hope, because at the end of the day, why would I even try if there was no hope.
I believe in cycles. I believe that your life is cycles.. cycles of the same thing until you break free.. and I have noticed being self reflective since very young that I could never see what I needed to change until I could see the pattern.... because it is not a harmful thing until you continue to choose the same pattern expecting a different result... and that is how I stopped sleeping with men. I realized that it was the pattern in my life.. sleeping with a guy, thinking that he was going to realie how awesome I am, and want to be with me... when I realized it wasn't that I was going to the bar a few nights a week, and sleeping with men that didn't really care for me... that I was the KIND OF PERSON that would do that.... that's when I realized that I no longer wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone who valued themselves more than that. So through the action was the feeling.
Only through doing it did I feel like I could.
I remember when I realied that the decision wasn't temporary.. that I had to make the decision for ever.... that was so scary for me... because I was scared, I was scared that I would never have sex again. That I could never find that man... I didn't even know what that A.looked like. But making that decision changed everything. I told the universe that I wanted more and I deserved more... and I got more. By changing my actions. I got what I wanted. .. by saying enough to that which I was addicted to.
It would be interesting to re read this blog from that time and see what I was really feeling.. because of all the times in my life I think I documented that relatively well....
So in this moment I really want to share something big in my life.. something I haven't even really been able to digest... well there are actually two things that I haven't really sat down with myself to feel.. to understand... so this may be as good a time as any. .. never mind... I'll share it later....I'll keep watching the show first.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 2
He just said that he feels that what you think is working against you is working for you... I find that very true about J... that everytime I feel like he is hurting me.. that he doesn't understand me.. that I should cut and run... we somehow navigate our way through the pain.. talk.. and come out on the other side stronger than before. We have faced alot with eachother over the past year.. and I have had to face my deepest feelings about myself.. and in the end I have had to stand up for my choices, stand up for me, and through telling him that who I am is the product of my past.. I've had to say the same thing to myself.. and every step is bringing me closer to myself.... its the weirdest thing...
In the past year I have learned how to stand up for myself, that what I see and what I hear I can trust, that I can trust my feelings, and trust myself. That I believe in alternative health, even if I don't fully understand it, that the fact that I slept with so many men doesn't equate my worth.. that it was the result of what I was going through and it was my LIFE... I chose that life...
I believe when I am older.. it will all make sense. That all the components of my life will start matching up... they already are starting to. and that the things that I have chosen for myself, particularily promiscuous sex, staying with a man who didn't care for me the way I deserved, travelling the world, my mother's death, my upbringing, my lack of a father... all my schooling... all th choices i have made will somehow come together... so long as I keep listening to my heart.
In the past year I have learned how to stand up for myself, that what I see and what I hear I can trust, that I can trust my feelings, and trust myself. That I believe in alternative health, even if I don't fully understand it, that the fact that I slept with so many men doesn't equate my worth.. that it was the result of what I was going through and it was my LIFE... I chose that life...
I believe when I am older.. it will all make sense. That all the components of my life will start matching up... they already are starting to. and that the things that I have chosen for myself, particularily promiscuous sex, staying with a man who didn't care for me the way I deserved, travelling the world, my mother's death, my upbringing, my lack of a father... all my schooling... all th choices i have made will somehow come together... so long as I keep listening to my heart.
Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes
I'm just starting to watch the oprah lifeclass with Bishop T.D. Jakes. I should start by saying that when I heard about the life class last year I was so excited, but it wasn't until this year that I finally started to watch it... mainly because my friend who had cut me out of her life last year came back... and it made me feel very confident in that I know what I am doing.. and that I do not waste my love.
So she's back, and she told me about the life class and it got me soo excited. So I watched the first episode at her house... and it resonated at my very core.
I've always felt that Oprah was put on this planet to help people see the truth..
I don't think I realized what that truth was until today when she said that she believes that everyone is worth the same... that's trully how I have felt at my very core... sometimes my behaviour doesn't reflect that.. and my desire to fit in, to be liked stops me from behaviour true to who I am.. but the older I get and the closer to myself I get the more I find the truth in that...
Something happened this past week.. and for the first time in my life, when someone came to complain about someone... I showed them the other side... so that both of my friends could make amends... now I know there is still something I have to work on because when one of the girls got mad and felt that I betrayed her I was angry... because I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be fair and understand that I wasn't doing anything vindictively.. I was doing what was right.
So Oprah... I've always looked up to her... when I was younger I thought I wanted to be her... I love talking to people, helping people and showing them the truth...
So here I am.. watching this show and Bishop T.D. Jakes talks about a purpose being the very thing that would make sense considering ALLLLLLLL the things that have happened in your life... that everything from our faults to our strengths... they all fit into something.. and the only way to find that is to not RESIST.... to flow with what life gives you...
I think that I have never been able to articulate what it is that I do.. but even in my darkest times.. I NEVER lost sight of listening... it is a weird time to look back.. because I still followed the whispers... there was a time there where I got a little lost.. but I think that in and of itself was something I had to go through... see the people that would be there for me. hmm..
anyways.. I listened to the whispers and I followed them.. and although all of this doesn't make any sense... it seems like I resist.. but not too badly... lol... and everytime that I come up against something that is really difficult I always say.. this is happening for a reason.. there is something here for you to learn.. it took a long time for me to start seeing myself for who I really am... and I still find myself scared... scared to recognize how much love I trully have in my heart.... wow.... that's what it is... I'm scared to see how much love I have... and the only people that make me mad in life are superficial people who can't see the truth... and I love them too.
So.... so far... I haven't gotten through much yet... but... so far when I think about whether I am following my purpose I feel like.. yes I have to be.... because not 2 months ago I was talking to my friend, a woman I have known since I was born. There are 3 of us, Ki, Kristen and myself. Our mother's were best friends. Each of us has had similar and different lives. we all have never gone to the same school until we all decided to go to the same university, where we all took International Development. In first year each one of us was in an alternative residence, Ki in eco house, Kristen in Arts house and me in International House. We lived in the same city, but still hung out from time to time. We have maintained our friendship for 29 years.. always in different places... sometimes not talking forever.. but always close. Ki and I were talking and we were talking about her mom, and she asked if I had known that her mom had been in foster care when she was young and I said no. We agreed it was really interesting that she is a social worker and that's what she does everyday.. work with children in foster care. I thought, isn't that interesting, Kristen's dad was an imigrant, and she was just promoted to head that Immigration Services devision of the YMCA. And, me... my mother was the one who KNEW about alternative therapies... and here I am, fighting.. lol with all my might... naw... here I am, embracing the fact that I was born to be in health care... I feel in my bones that my ultimate calling is to create a union between alternative and traditional therapies... the thing is I got to get crackalacking if I'm going to fulfill that purpose.. and the quest is so daunting. I feel like if I really wanted to fulfill my purpose it would be to completely delve into this education and spend no other moments of my life than learning everything I can about health, and alternative health... find out the FACTS. LEARN the TRUTH. it's funny... I've had that feeling, but writing it down on paper is a completely different thing (it's weird how uncomfortable it is to say paper... doesn't sound the same to say 'but typing it out on the screen'... not the same... I digress)
I feel it in my soul.. that I am smart enough that I could maybe even pull it off... but I'm scared.. I'm scared to be wrong.. I'm scared ...hmm.. I'm scared of the truth, and of that not alligning with my beliefs... lol... well that's weird... then there's this voice in me that says, yes but then atleast you'll find out the truth.. and really.. HOW SCARY IS THAT? then you will know..and more than likely you will learn that you are right, and FINALLY You wll have the evidence that you need to know that you are right... and your mom was right... and you trully are of value even if you took an interesting road to get there...
I truly believe that your life does exactly what it is supposed to do... and even though I have struggles it has been through all my struggles that I found my way here... and if I hadn't been through everything... well I wouldn't be a good nurse.
It's how I feel about J... that we all try to rush our futures, but the universe gives us exactly what we need to learn.. and who am I to say I know what I want... I want to grow, and that is exactly what I have. The trick is... figuring out what it is you are meant to learn. Every situation has a lesson if you are willing to look... and everytime you want to change you have to understand the conversation will happen a few times til the shift completely happens... we all fall back into the same pattern.. its cause we know what we know.. and we don't listen to the internal voice enough... we get inspired, and excited, and then we talk ourselves out of it.. we tell ourselves we can't because of a thousand excuses... so don't worry... but I have.. in my experiences learned a trick... any consistent complaint you have.... is something to look at. Anything that you notice in other people.. the thing that drives you crazy about someone else is something inside of you that may want to be free.
Every human being has EVERY componant of being human in them. We are all capable of everything... it is our hearts that keep us on track. our heads get scared. our hearts know.
I always tell myself... anytime i do something that scares me... when I am older will I regret doing this... or regret not doing this... and when I say I'll regret not doing it... when it scares me the most.. I always try to do it... there still are quite a few things that I still can't get to that point about... but its a trick I have tried to implement in my life and when I use it... it has always been something i never regret.
ok.. well that was an ineresting stream of thought.. back to the class.
So she's back, and she told me about the life class and it got me soo excited. So I watched the first episode at her house... and it resonated at my very core.
I've always felt that Oprah was put on this planet to help people see the truth..
I don't think I realized what that truth was until today when she said that she believes that everyone is worth the same... that's trully how I have felt at my very core... sometimes my behaviour doesn't reflect that.. and my desire to fit in, to be liked stops me from behaviour true to who I am.. but the older I get and the closer to myself I get the more I find the truth in that...
Something happened this past week.. and for the first time in my life, when someone came to complain about someone... I showed them the other side... so that both of my friends could make amends... now I know there is still something I have to work on because when one of the girls got mad and felt that I betrayed her I was angry... because I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be fair and understand that I wasn't doing anything vindictively.. I was doing what was right.
So Oprah... I've always looked up to her... when I was younger I thought I wanted to be her... I love talking to people, helping people and showing them the truth...
So here I am.. watching this show and Bishop T.D. Jakes talks about a purpose being the very thing that would make sense considering ALLLLLLLL the things that have happened in your life... that everything from our faults to our strengths... they all fit into something.. and the only way to find that is to not RESIST.... to flow with what life gives you...
I think that I have never been able to articulate what it is that I do.. but even in my darkest times.. I NEVER lost sight of listening... it is a weird time to look back.. because I still followed the whispers... there was a time there where I got a little lost.. but I think that in and of itself was something I had to go through... see the people that would be there for me. hmm..
anyways.. I listened to the whispers and I followed them.. and although all of this doesn't make any sense... it seems like I resist.. but not too badly... lol... and everytime that I come up against something that is really difficult I always say.. this is happening for a reason.. there is something here for you to learn.. it took a long time for me to start seeing myself for who I really am... and I still find myself scared... scared to recognize how much love I trully have in my heart.... wow.... that's what it is... I'm scared to see how much love I have... and the only people that make me mad in life are superficial people who can't see the truth... and I love them too.
So.... so far... I haven't gotten through much yet... but... so far when I think about whether I am following my purpose I feel like.. yes I have to be.... because not 2 months ago I was talking to my friend, a woman I have known since I was born. There are 3 of us, Ki, Kristen and myself. Our mother's were best friends. Each of us has had similar and different lives. we all have never gone to the same school until we all decided to go to the same university, where we all took International Development. In first year each one of us was in an alternative residence, Ki in eco house, Kristen in Arts house and me in International House. We lived in the same city, but still hung out from time to time. We have maintained our friendship for 29 years.. always in different places... sometimes not talking forever.. but always close. Ki and I were talking and we were talking about her mom, and she asked if I had known that her mom had been in foster care when she was young and I said no. We agreed it was really interesting that she is a social worker and that's what she does everyday.. work with children in foster care. I thought, isn't that interesting, Kristen's dad was an imigrant, and she was just promoted to head that Immigration Services devision of the YMCA. And, me... my mother was the one who KNEW about alternative therapies... and here I am, fighting.. lol with all my might... naw... here I am, embracing the fact that I was born to be in health care... I feel in my bones that my ultimate calling is to create a union between alternative and traditional therapies... the thing is I got to get crackalacking if I'm going to fulfill that purpose.. and the quest is so daunting. I feel like if I really wanted to fulfill my purpose it would be to completely delve into this education and spend no other moments of my life than learning everything I can about health, and alternative health... find out the FACTS. LEARN the TRUTH. it's funny... I've had that feeling, but writing it down on paper is a completely different thing (it's weird how uncomfortable it is to say paper... doesn't sound the same to say 'but typing it out on the screen'... not the same... I digress)
I feel it in my soul.. that I am smart enough that I could maybe even pull it off... but I'm scared.. I'm scared to be wrong.. I'm scared ...hmm.. I'm scared of the truth, and of that not alligning with my beliefs... lol... well that's weird... then there's this voice in me that says, yes but then atleast you'll find out the truth.. and really.. HOW SCARY IS THAT? then you will know..and more than likely you will learn that you are right, and FINALLY You wll have the evidence that you need to know that you are right... and your mom was right... and you trully are of value even if you took an interesting road to get there...
I truly believe that your life does exactly what it is supposed to do... and even though I have struggles it has been through all my struggles that I found my way here... and if I hadn't been through everything... well I wouldn't be a good nurse.
It's how I feel about J... that we all try to rush our futures, but the universe gives us exactly what we need to learn.. and who am I to say I know what I want... I want to grow, and that is exactly what I have. The trick is... figuring out what it is you are meant to learn. Every situation has a lesson if you are willing to look... and everytime you want to change you have to understand the conversation will happen a few times til the shift completely happens... we all fall back into the same pattern.. its cause we know what we know.. and we don't listen to the internal voice enough... we get inspired, and excited, and then we talk ourselves out of it.. we tell ourselves we can't because of a thousand excuses... so don't worry... but I have.. in my experiences learned a trick... any consistent complaint you have.... is something to look at. Anything that you notice in other people.. the thing that drives you crazy about someone else is something inside of you that may want to be free.
Every human being has EVERY componant of being human in them. We are all capable of everything... it is our hearts that keep us on track. our heads get scared. our hearts know.
I always tell myself... anytime i do something that scares me... when I am older will I regret doing this... or regret not doing this... and when I say I'll regret not doing it... when it scares me the most.. I always try to do it... there still are quite a few things that I still can't get to that point about... but its a trick I have tried to implement in my life and when I use it... it has always been something i never regret.
ok.. well that was an ineresting stream of thought.. back to the class.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Why I have low self esteem
There is so much that has happened.. like always when I go into hiding. I realize I go into hiding when I am worried that what I share may come back and hurt someone I love.. the truth of what I feel and what I think.. well I never want to hurt people... so the fact that honesty hurts... and that I am honest to a fault... can sincerely hurt.. and so I try to keep things just to me... just in case, one day one of my friends sees this.. I never want them to feel betrayed...
Over the past 4 months, why I haven't been sharing.. and been honest is because I have been working through a lot of things with my boyfriend.. and I never want to make him feel embarrassed... so its difficult for me to actually share what's going on and what I am learning.. and how I am learning it.. because its so intertwined with his life that I don't want it to hurt him....
So here I am.... so much has happened.. and I am learning sooooo much about myself and my life.. and I can't explain everything.. obviously cause there is too much.. but I am going to try...
I have low self esteem because I see the TRUTH.... and I SEE why people are the way they are... I see it.. and I'm now realizing they don't... not only do they not see they're own behaviour.. but they don't even look at themselves.. they go through life thinking its other people.... and have a difficult time looking inwards and seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of themselves...
so here I am... here I come with the TRUTH... and when I share it... when I tell... I'm wrong... I'm hurtful... I'm mean... I'm selfish.. I'm too sensitive.. I'm uncaring... I don't know what I am talking about...
The TRUTH is so difficult... not because it is.. but because as soon as we know... we can change.. and change is scary so we try to pretend that everyone else is wrong so that WE don't HAVE TO CHANGE.
I try to be a better person everyday.. I try to look at myself and be responsible for myself.... and find who I am in the chaos of everything else in my life.. inside of my story and all the stories I have told myself I am trying to find myself.. and what I am realizing is WHO I AM... WHO I REALLY AM.. is someone who SEES the TRUTH.. but I don't like to fight.... IRONIC!
Who I am is someone who can see your HUMANITY.. and forgive all our faults.. that's just who I AM... I understand completely...
SO.. when people get mad at me.. and feel hurt by me I feel like I am bad and wrong and that what I am doing is wrong.. but the problem I have never seen before is that is not what I DO.. it's truly WHO I AM.
So... that leaves me always scared.. and so I don't feel fully self expressed... because obviously if I was.. I'd tell you when you were hurting me... but the thing that makes me different is that if I had the courage I would tell you you are hurting me.. and tell you why I think you are hurting me.. so you can move gradually... so you can see the truth... and realize that I love you EVEN though you can hurt me...
we are all testing each other.. we are all trying to see if when you say you will be there forever... if you TRULY will.... but how do you know if I'm going to be there for you??? ONLY if you behave exactly who you are.. and I'm still there.. and that means sometimes not being able to see the smoke for the trees.... most people can't see the truth.. they don't know WHY they are the way they are.. and so if I tell them... I must be wrong... I must be crazy...
Who wants to admit that they are mean?
Who wants to admit that they are addicted to men?
Who wants to admit they don't trust people?
Who wants to admit they are fat?
Who wants to admit that they are not who they want to be?
We all want to be happy... we all want to be satisfied with the life we have chosen for ourselves.. and because of that.. we SELL out... but the reason we sell out is because we have NO CLUE what's in our way... what's in our way is WHO WE ARE.. FULLY SELF EXPRESSED...
NOW... fully self expressed does not mean you go around and tell people they are dicks... its understanding that people are hurting.. that people only do as much as they know.... and that even though they don't want to hurt you... even though they don't think they are someone who hurts other people.... I love you.. and you are....
The problem with me... is that I take things personally.. so when someone hurts me.. I forget all I know.. I forget they are hurting and they are only behaving the only way they know how to... and it has NOTHING to do with me... because clearly they misunderstand... its so hard for me to know what I know and still... tell myself that the other is hurting me and they can't see it.... because I'm hurt and I want them to care enough to know I'm hurt.
Even though I know all this... this is what typically happens when I'm hurt.. both in my head and in practicum..
I get hurt...
HOW I GET HURT -
I get hurt when I'm excluded,
I feel hurt when I'm excited and someone is too busy with themselves to care about what I'm excited about
I feel hurt when I feel like the other person isn't being generous
I feel hurt when I'm judged.... BEING JUDGED is probably the thing that hurts me the most...
I get hurt when people are behaving poorly... and in my head I figure.. they must know they are hurting me... they must know they are behaving BADLY... I mean how hard is it??
well I'll tell you how hard it is.. we all can't see ourselves.. so why the hell do we expect others to see themselves??
we are scared.... so is EVERYONE ELSE... we have no clue.. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.
So I get hurt.. and then I hide... placate.. pretend that I am not hurt.. WHY? because I know that they wouldn't have done what they did.. had they KNOWN...
BUT... I also don't want to get hurt again... So.. I know they probably don't see what I see.. but then I'm too scared to tell them... cause well can you really listen to someone tell you about WHY you are doing something when you are mad at them... or they are accusing you of hurting them? when you didn't even know?
The most uncomfortable feeling in the whole world is when someone tells you you hurt them and you had NO IDEA.... to know you are THAT blind.. that you could hurt someone....well for most people its way too hard to admit they don't know themselves... because they think they do... BUT how many people do you know who are honest with themselves?? so.. its REALLY hard to listen to someone else telling you the truth.. when you can't even tell yourself...
I think that's why this blog has helped me... because I tell my deepest fears of people knowing... and because of that I have to look at myself... I think this blog is what shifted me... my ability to look back and see what I was really doing to myself... and more than that... TO REALLY SEE THAT I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.. and get REALLY straight with myself..
I'll be honest there are still so many things that I'm struggling with being honest about to myself... It's so hard.. because then you have to take responsibility... make the change.. and become the person I know I can be....
WHAT'S MY FEAR.. that who I am, that person that I want to be will challenge people so much I will be very unliked.... and I hate not being liked...
So how I'm trying to handle being hurt... its in progress... and learning how to be confident is helping.. but because I am yet at that point of confidence.. I still get scared.. still feel threatened.. and am still scared that I am going to lose the person if I'm honest.
Cause let's be honest... people cut and run when they are hurt.. and well... HONESTY hurts sometimes...
I think the trick is making sure that when you are hurt you come to the other person FROM LOVE.. pure love and understanding.. and just let them know that you are hurt.... instead of accusing them of being mean... come to them and say.. hey... I don't know why but you really hurt me...
my problem is I get defensive.. and terrified, so I come at it like a bull... I raise my voice... I am we could say as far from graceful as possible lol...
I am, however becoming more aware of myself when I am upset.. and this week I had a moment where I caught myself yelling at a friend... when I felt attacked.. as I was yelling I could see I was over reacting and so I calmed... I brought myself back down and as I was doing it I was telling her that I'm sorry that I was yelling.. I was scared and felt trapped...
I was so unimpressed with myself.. but at the same time I was proud to have seen what I was doing.
Over the past 4 months, why I haven't been sharing.. and been honest is because I have been working through a lot of things with my boyfriend.. and I never want to make him feel embarrassed... so its difficult for me to actually share what's going on and what I am learning.. and how I am learning it.. because its so intertwined with his life that I don't want it to hurt him....
So here I am.... so much has happened.. and I am learning sooooo much about myself and my life.. and I can't explain everything.. obviously cause there is too much.. but I am going to try...
I have low self esteem because I see the TRUTH.... and I SEE why people are the way they are... I see it.. and I'm now realizing they don't... not only do they not see they're own behaviour.. but they don't even look at themselves.. they go through life thinking its other people.... and have a difficult time looking inwards and seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of themselves...
so here I am... here I come with the TRUTH... and when I share it... when I tell... I'm wrong... I'm hurtful... I'm mean... I'm selfish.. I'm too sensitive.. I'm uncaring... I don't know what I am talking about...
The TRUTH is so difficult... not because it is.. but because as soon as we know... we can change.. and change is scary so we try to pretend that everyone else is wrong so that WE don't HAVE TO CHANGE.
I try to be a better person everyday.. I try to look at myself and be responsible for myself.... and find who I am in the chaos of everything else in my life.. inside of my story and all the stories I have told myself I am trying to find myself.. and what I am realizing is WHO I AM... WHO I REALLY AM.. is someone who SEES the TRUTH.. but I don't like to fight.... IRONIC!
Who I am is someone who can see your HUMANITY.. and forgive all our faults.. that's just who I AM... I understand completely...
SO.. when people get mad at me.. and feel hurt by me I feel like I am bad and wrong and that what I am doing is wrong.. but the problem I have never seen before is that is not what I DO.. it's truly WHO I AM.
So... that leaves me always scared.. and so I don't feel fully self expressed... because obviously if I was.. I'd tell you when you were hurting me... but the thing that makes me different is that if I had the courage I would tell you you are hurting me.. and tell you why I think you are hurting me.. so you can move gradually... so you can see the truth... and realize that I love you EVEN though you can hurt me...
we are all testing each other.. we are all trying to see if when you say you will be there forever... if you TRULY will.... but how do you know if I'm going to be there for you??? ONLY if you behave exactly who you are.. and I'm still there.. and that means sometimes not being able to see the smoke for the trees.... most people can't see the truth.. they don't know WHY they are the way they are.. and so if I tell them... I must be wrong... I must be crazy...
Who wants to admit that they are mean?
Who wants to admit that they are addicted to men?
Who wants to admit they don't trust people?
Who wants to admit they are fat?
Who wants to admit that they are not who they want to be?
We all want to be happy... we all want to be satisfied with the life we have chosen for ourselves.. and because of that.. we SELL out... but the reason we sell out is because we have NO CLUE what's in our way... what's in our way is WHO WE ARE.. FULLY SELF EXPRESSED...
NOW... fully self expressed does not mean you go around and tell people they are dicks... its understanding that people are hurting.. that people only do as much as they know.... and that even though they don't want to hurt you... even though they don't think they are someone who hurts other people.... I love you.. and you are....
The problem with me... is that I take things personally.. so when someone hurts me.. I forget all I know.. I forget they are hurting and they are only behaving the only way they know how to... and it has NOTHING to do with me... because clearly they misunderstand... its so hard for me to know what I know and still... tell myself that the other is hurting me and they can't see it.... because I'm hurt and I want them to care enough to know I'm hurt.
Even though I know all this... this is what typically happens when I'm hurt.. both in my head and in practicum..
I get hurt...
HOW I GET HURT -
I get hurt when I'm excluded,
I feel hurt when I'm excited and someone is too busy with themselves to care about what I'm excited about
I feel hurt when I feel like the other person isn't being generous
I feel hurt when I'm judged.... BEING JUDGED is probably the thing that hurts me the most...
I get hurt when people are behaving poorly... and in my head I figure.. they must know they are hurting me... they must know they are behaving BADLY... I mean how hard is it??
well I'll tell you how hard it is.. we all can't see ourselves.. so why the hell do we expect others to see themselves??
we are scared.... so is EVERYONE ELSE... we have no clue.. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.
So I get hurt.. and then I hide... placate.. pretend that I am not hurt.. WHY? because I know that they wouldn't have done what they did.. had they KNOWN...
BUT... I also don't want to get hurt again... So.. I know they probably don't see what I see.. but then I'm too scared to tell them... cause well can you really listen to someone tell you about WHY you are doing something when you are mad at them... or they are accusing you of hurting them? when you didn't even know?
The most uncomfortable feeling in the whole world is when someone tells you you hurt them and you had NO IDEA.... to know you are THAT blind.. that you could hurt someone....well for most people its way too hard to admit they don't know themselves... because they think they do... BUT how many people do you know who are honest with themselves?? so.. its REALLY hard to listen to someone else telling you the truth.. when you can't even tell yourself...
I think that's why this blog has helped me... because I tell my deepest fears of people knowing... and because of that I have to look at myself... I think this blog is what shifted me... my ability to look back and see what I was really doing to myself... and more than that... TO REALLY SEE THAT I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.. and get REALLY straight with myself..
I'll be honest there are still so many things that I'm struggling with being honest about to myself... It's so hard.. because then you have to take responsibility... make the change.. and become the person I know I can be....
WHAT'S MY FEAR.. that who I am, that person that I want to be will challenge people so much I will be very unliked.... and I hate not being liked...
So how I'm trying to handle being hurt... its in progress... and learning how to be confident is helping.. but because I am yet at that point of confidence.. I still get scared.. still feel threatened.. and am still scared that I am going to lose the person if I'm honest.
Cause let's be honest... people cut and run when they are hurt.. and well... HONESTY hurts sometimes...
I think the trick is making sure that when you are hurt you come to the other person FROM LOVE.. pure love and understanding.. and just let them know that you are hurt.... instead of accusing them of being mean... come to them and say.. hey... I don't know why but you really hurt me...
my problem is I get defensive.. and terrified, so I come at it like a bull... I raise my voice... I am we could say as far from graceful as possible lol...
I am, however becoming more aware of myself when I am upset.. and this week I had a moment where I caught myself yelling at a friend... when I felt attacked.. as I was yelling I could see I was over reacting and so I calmed... I brought myself back down and as I was doing it I was telling her that I'm sorry that I was yelling.. I was scared and felt trapped...
I was so unimpressed with myself.. but at the same time I was proud to have seen what I was doing.
Anger
The moments in my life that I observe anger... It makes me angry.... I've been asking myself why anger makes me soooo angry and upset... and the only thing that I can think is that I have anger deep in my soul... anger so deep that I don't want to let it out... for fear of destruction....
there are moments in my life that anger starts bubbling to the surface.. and I smoke. I smoke anytime that any negative emotion comes up inside me.. like the smoke will kill it....
I hate smoking... this is one of those moments.
Chest constricts,
lungs hurt.. I want another cigarette..
atleast then I can pretend the pain is self inflicted...
How can you be mad at the world?
how can you express that anger... for the selfishness, the naitivity, the pain and suffering we inflict on eachother...
I see the TRUTH. I see the truth... and I am told NO... you are crazy...
HOW DARE YOU... you don't know..
Maybe I don't know either.. but I know more than most... I see more than most...
I love and understand more than most... and I always see the WHY.
I have to believe that we aren't a mistake.. that our lives aren't a mistake...
We are built to ask why.. we are built for meaning... so then how could that be a mistake?
I'm angry at all the mother's who dismiss their children
I'm angry at all the father's who don't see their children hurting..
I'm angry at all the teacher's who tell those unloved children they won't amount to anything..
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???
Squashing dreams the way your parents squashed yours... do you not remember the pain?
Do you not see your life, the life that you have lead... BECAUSE of the lack of understanding.. the lack of love.
We are all trying so desperately to live a PERFECT life.. and we are so fucking scared of getting found out.. of losing those we love...
WE HIDE... we can't be ourselves.. FOR FEAR OF LONLINESS...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll smarten up and think something different...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll stop being so naive?
WHO ARE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE???
I hate that you have that power over me.
I hate that your childhood didn't teach you how to be an open and loving person
I hate that your parents and teachers and doctors didn't know any better.. I"M ANGRY BECAUSE WE ONLY KNOW AS MUCH AS WE KNOW.. and how the hell are we supposed to love each other.. when we are all so scared?
I'm SO ANGRY...
I'm angry that with all our knowledge... they are building a damn and dismissing the lives, the history, the ecosystem of 400,000 indigenous Brazillians.. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????
If we embraced the technology we have you would see that damn only bottles up progress... and puts us a little closer to death.
The flower and plants and knowledge those people have.. their inate value as a human being...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? We should share knowledge not supress knowledge... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR HOME.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'm ashamed.
I hate this world... I HATE the selfishness... I hate that people believe in a God and don't recognize that they are GOD... that they effect those around them.. they effect the earth and they effect the cells inside them... If ONLY YOU WOULD SEE.. YOU ARE GOD.... YOU DECIDE..
Do you love? or do you hate?
Do you judge? Or do you accept?
Do you celebrate excitement? or do you squash it?
Do you appologize? or do you blame?
Do you understand? Or do you dismiss?
Do you hug? or do you isolate?
Do you express your inner love? or do you hide?
Do you open your eyes and see the world around you for what it really is?
Or do you hide and pretend that there is nothing you can do?
Do you teach your children they are special? Or do you dismiss them?
Do you celebrate others success? Or celebrate others failure?
Do you forgive? or do you begrudge?
Do you let the child in you come out and play? or do you tell yourself to go away?
YOU ARE GOD. you are GOD to yourself and the world and what you say goes...
I am angry because you have infiltrated me.. you got to me.. you told me that I was different and in this world you can't survive if you are different...
You got to me and pushed me away.. and I felt like I was a bad child, I was a bad girl and I was a bad woman...
REJECTION.
All I wanted was love... AND YOU REJECTED ME.
Do you understand what it is like to just love.. love.. love... and be told.. no thank you.. I don't want your love? Your love is strange... your love is wrong.. your love is bad...
YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. YOU HURT ME PROFOUNDLY
I love you.....
I HATE MEN. You covot the earth, you hurt eachother... you don't look inside, you don't see your destruction.. you think you are always right and you tell us that we are too emotional, too sensitive... you dismiss us.. you hurt us... you complain about us... you lie to us and cheat on us.... you devalue us.. and treat us like we were created for your enjoyment...
I DON'T BLAME YOU... you were taught to be unkind... but do you not see how YOUR HATRED FOR WOMEN keeps you small, keeps you isolated... keeps you alone and unloved...
The Earth is your mother.. and you HATE your mother... thus you hate me.
SO that's what it is eh? My hatred for men... who knew it was so deep.
How hard it is to reconcile... the LOVE for men that I inately have and the HATE I have for the cruelty I have experienced at their hand?
How do I love you when you abandon me? Cheat on me? use me? destroy me? push me away? Hit me? call me a cunt? a bitch? too sensitive, too emotional?
HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE stripped me from all that makes me beautiful... from all that makes me a woman?
I am patient and kind.. and always hope that one day you will see... see the pain you have inflicted on me.. and the pain you have inflicted on yourself...
I have hope that one day you will embrace your femininity.... as I embrace my masculinity and we will become whole again....
Please apologize.
I know you didn't know any better.... but now that you do.. PLEASE PLEASE accept responsibility so we can start healing... so we can tach our children to love. that they are love.
I do not hate men.. I HATE FEAR.... I HATE HISTORY... I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION... I hate that you didn't know any better... and that I didn't see... and let you get to me.
there are moments in my life that anger starts bubbling to the surface.. and I smoke. I smoke anytime that any negative emotion comes up inside me.. like the smoke will kill it....
I hate smoking... this is one of those moments.
Chest constricts,
lungs hurt.. I want another cigarette..
atleast then I can pretend the pain is self inflicted...
How can you be mad at the world?
how can you express that anger... for the selfishness, the naitivity, the pain and suffering we inflict on eachother...
I see the TRUTH. I see the truth... and I am told NO... you are crazy...
HOW DARE YOU... you don't know..
Maybe I don't know either.. but I know more than most... I see more than most...
I love and understand more than most... and I always see the WHY.
I have to believe that we aren't a mistake.. that our lives aren't a mistake...
We are built to ask why.. we are built for meaning... so then how could that be a mistake?
I'm angry at all the mother's who dismiss their children
I'm angry at all the father's who don't see their children hurting..
I'm angry at all the teacher's who tell those unloved children they won't amount to anything..
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???
Squashing dreams the way your parents squashed yours... do you not remember the pain?
Do you not see your life, the life that you have lead... BECAUSE of the lack of understanding.. the lack of love.
We are all trying so desperately to live a PERFECT life.. and we are so fucking scared of getting found out.. of losing those we love...
WE HIDE... we can't be ourselves.. FOR FEAR OF LONLINESS...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll smarten up and think something different...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll stop being so naive?
WHO ARE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE???
I hate that you have that power over me.
I hate that your childhood didn't teach you how to be an open and loving person
I hate that your parents and teachers and doctors didn't know any better.. I"M ANGRY BECAUSE WE ONLY KNOW AS MUCH AS WE KNOW.. and how the hell are we supposed to love each other.. when we are all so scared?
I'm SO ANGRY...
I'm angry that with all our knowledge... they are building a damn and dismissing the lives, the history, the ecosystem of 400,000 indigenous Brazillians.. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????
If we embraced the technology we have you would see that damn only bottles up progress... and puts us a little closer to death.
The flower and plants and knowledge those people have.. their inate value as a human being...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? We should share knowledge not supress knowledge... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR HOME.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'm ashamed.
I hate this world... I HATE the selfishness... I hate that people believe in a God and don't recognize that they are GOD... that they effect those around them.. they effect the earth and they effect the cells inside them... If ONLY YOU WOULD SEE.. YOU ARE GOD.... YOU DECIDE..
Do you love? or do you hate?
Do you judge? Or do you accept?
Do you celebrate excitement? or do you squash it?
Do you appologize? or do you blame?
Do you understand? Or do you dismiss?
Do you hug? or do you isolate?
Do you express your inner love? or do you hide?
Do you open your eyes and see the world around you for what it really is?
Or do you hide and pretend that there is nothing you can do?
Do you teach your children they are special? Or do you dismiss them?
Do you celebrate others success? Or celebrate others failure?
Do you forgive? or do you begrudge?
Do you let the child in you come out and play? or do you tell yourself to go away?
YOU ARE GOD. you are GOD to yourself and the world and what you say goes...
I am angry because you have infiltrated me.. you got to me.. you told me that I was different and in this world you can't survive if you are different...
You got to me and pushed me away.. and I felt like I was a bad child, I was a bad girl and I was a bad woman...
REJECTION.
All I wanted was love... AND YOU REJECTED ME.
Do you understand what it is like to just love.. love.. love... and be told.. no thank you.. I don't want your love? Your love is strange... your love is wrong.. your love is bad...
YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. YOU HURT ME PROFOUNDLY
I love you.....
I HATE MEN. You covot the earth, you hurt eachother... you don't look inside, you don't see your destruction.. you think you are always right and you tell us that we are too emotional, too sensitive... you dismiss us.. you hurt us... you complain about us... you lie to us and cheat on us.... you devalue us.. and treat us like we were created for your enjoyment...
I DON'T BLAME YOU... you were taught to be unkind... but do you not see how YOUR HATRED FOR WOMEN keeps you small, keeps you isolated... keeps you alone and unloved...
The Earth is your mother.. and you HATE your mother... thus you hate me.
SO that's what it is eh? My hatred for men... who knew it was so deep.
How hard it is to reconcile... the LOVE for men that I inately have and the HATE I have for the cruelty I have experienced at their hand?
How do I love you when you abandon me? Cheat on me? use me? destroy me? push me away? Hit me? call me a cunt? a bitch? too sensitive, too emotional?
HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE stripped me from all that makes me beautiful... from all that makes me a woman?
I am patient and kind.. and always hope that one day you will see... see the pain you have inflicted on me.. and the pain you have inflicted on yourself...
I have hope that one day you will embrace your femininity.... as I embrace my masculinity and we will become whole again....
Please apologize.
I know you didn't know any better.... but now that you do.. PLEASE PLEASE accept responsibility so we can start healing... so we can tach our children to love. that they are love.
I do not hate men.. I HATE FEAR.... I HATE HISTORY... I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION... I hate that you didn't know any better... and that I didn't see... and let you get to me.
Friday, September 23, 2011
nursing 101
what can I say.. I have a tendency to almost not write when I can't handle what life throws at me.. over the past 5 months I have thought time and time again that I need to write I need to document this new journey in my life.. embrace it, own it... and yet I keep bypassing it.. avoiding it.. tting en to paper about things.. well I have found diifficult over the past 5 months... it has been a roller coaster ride and everything is finally come to head... and here I am back.
I hope that i have the diligence to continue writing in this blog, because I find solace in looking back.. in having something tangible that documents my life...
being able to see how much one person's life can change over the course of a few short months.. and of all people, myself... is something that I know I need to do for myself.. in order to be able to adequately show myself... prove to myself that things have changed.. that things are changing.. and that life doesn't come easy... but if you fight, if you listen,, if you believe.... you can figure things out.
I have essentially been numb over the ast 5 months... J got a new job in May and left for 8 weeks. for 8 weeks I had to ut my love, my longing for him aside... and just do.
I worked at this awesome restaurant all summer where I felt wanted, and appreciated and all the people that I served were so kind and happy...
I got into nursing school... I spent the summer working, preparing myself for nursing school and trying to figure out how to be the girlfriend of a wonderful man who is off on his own adventures in life.
I was numb to how much I miss him.. and i was numb to this.
Nursing school.
What can I say.
What has brought me back to this page is simple.
I am terrified.
I have just set sail into something that totally terrifies me.
I play life small, my drama has always been about boys, money, family, about the things on the outside.. but part of the changes I decided to make this time last year have catapulted me into this new dimension where I am finally walking into something for the first time in a long time that scares the shit out of me.
I know in my heart that I can do this..but I am so conflicted.
I have never done anything that I thought I could fail at.
I have never stretched myself to the ends of myself.. to see how far I can be stretched..I have never fully taken on my life and told myself to just deal.
and here I am, about to learn how to do the job that scares me shitless.
I know I belong.
I feel it in my bones.
I feel like I am already part of something.. a sisterhood, a part of something way bigger than myself. My personal problems are nothing... school, and only school matters, and my past behaviours of drama, and partying, doing what i want... has to be put aside in order for me to get through this program.
The truth is I want this soooooooo badly, and it is sooooo scary to admit that to myself. That I want something... and the only way to get it is to give up all my bad habits and get down to business.
I miss J. I miss him being here to hold me, and yet I know that him being gone will give me the space I need to do this properly. He is my knight in shining armour because I get from him exactly what I need.. even if it isn't what I want.
The shit you have to know in order to pass your tests.. the shit you have to know in order to be an effective nurse is fucking scary and intimidating.. and I consistantly have moments where I feel inadequate..
but deep down inside me I know that because of that fear.. that deep rooted fear I will succeed... because the feaer is a longing, a longing for a life I have never had.. and I am soo scared of failing.... of not succeeding.
I hope that me writing in this blog will suffice as documentation for this adventure...the adventure of my life.
I thought of starting a new blog. Because, well, I really didn't want people to be able to find out my past... but I have decided to keep it the way it is. because the one thing that I know I have on my side is the fact that every one who meets me learns about my past.. my not so pretty past.. and that it is my past and how I have continued to deal with things that has made me who I am. I know that iit is my past that will make me a great nurse, because I get it. I get what its like to smoke and want to quit, to have a mother with cancer, to have emergency surgery with no one around. I know what its like to be asked in a doctor's office if you are sexually active and say yes.. only to be asked if you have a steady partner and answer no.
I know what its like to get the news you have an STI.
I know what its like to watch the life you thought you had dissapear.. and everything that comes from that.
I know that my life will serve me well because Ihave a vast amount of compassion.
and I feel that when people understand that you too fuck up, you too don't know what to do or where to go or how to even get out of bed in the morning....when people realize that you are ok admitting your mistakes... they feel like maybe its ok for them to be ok with their mistakes.. to share things with you that they would never otherwise share... and to believe that they too can change their life... because you did... and well, I hope that one day one person reads this blog and sees that the life they are living isn't what they want.. and they have the choice to change.
So I am keeping it.. with all the skeletons that I am terrified of sharing.. worried that one day someone I work with will read this blog and judge me... that writing this will somehow get me into trouble.... and yet I stick by my convictions. we all fuck up... but we only do the best we know how to do at the time.
I am madly in love with J. every time he comes home something shifts with us.. and now that we have moved here... we have a home together.. out in the country and I feel HOME. I finally feel home... like I have never felt before.
We have started to learn how to communicate better and how to stay on eachothers side.... although sometimes I still feel like we are separate.. we are learning... and I know that he loves me. That he appreciates who I am... and that we are both growing and learning from eachother. My only hope is that we get through this next 2 years.
I am in nursing school. It is the scariest thing I have ever done... and I am soooooooo excited to do this.. to be really proud of myself for believing in myself enough to giver 'er hell.
This is my new life. Living in the country with a dog and a cat... head over heels.... and starting nursing school.
Wish me luck.
I hope that i have the diligence to continue writing in this blog, because I find solace in looking back.. in having something tangible that documents my life...
being able to see how much one person's life can change over the course of a few short months.. and of all people, myself... is something that I know I need to do for myself.. in order to be able to adequately show myself... prove to myself that things have changed.. that things are changing.. and that life doesn't come easy... but if you fight, if you listen,, if you believe.... you can figure things out.
I have essentially been numb over the ast 5 months... J got a new job in May and left for 8 weeks. for 8 weeks I had to ut my love, my longing for him aside... and just do.
I worked at this awesome restaurant all summer where I felt wanted, and appreciated and all the people that I served were so kind and happy...
I got into nursing school... I spent the summer working, preparing myself for nursing school and trying to figure out how to be the girlfriend of a wonderful man who is off on his own adventures in life.
I was numb to how much I miss him.. and i was numb to this.
Nursing school.
What can I say.
What has brought me back to this page is simple.
I am terrified.
I have just set sail into something that totally terrifies me.
I play life small, my drama has always been about boys, money, family, about the things on the outside.. but part of the changes I decided to make this time last year have catapulted me into this new dimension where I am finally walking into something for the first time in a long time that scares the shit out of me.
I know in my heart that I can do this..but I am so conflicted.
I have never done anything that I thought I could fail at.
I have never stretched myself to the ends of myself.. to see how far I can be stretched..I have never fully taken on my life and told myself to just deal.
and here I am, about to learn how to do the job that scares me shitless.
I know I belong.
I feel it in my bones.
I feel like I am already part of something.. a sisterhood, a part of something way bigger than myself. My personal problems are nothing... school, and only school matters, and my past behaviours of drama, and partying, doing what i want... has to be put aside in order for me to get through this program.
The truth is I want this soooooooo badly, and it is sooooo scary to admit that to myself. That I want something... and the only way to get it is to give up all my bad habits and get down to business.
I miss J. I miss him being here to hold me, and yet I know that him being gone will give me the space I need to do this properly. He is my knight in shining armour because I get from him exactly what I need.. even if it isn't what I want.
The shit you have to know in order to pass your tests.. the shit you have to know in order to be an effective nurse is fucking scary and intimidating.. and I consistantly have moments where I feel inadequate..
but deep down inside me I know that because of that fear.. that deep rooted fear I will succeed... because the feaer is a longing, a longing for a life I have never had.. and I am soo scared of failing.... of not succeeding.
I hope that me writing in this blog will suffice as documentation for this adventure...the adventure of my life.
I thought of starting a new blog. Because, well, I really didn't want people to be able to find out my past... but I have decided to keep it the way it is. because the one thing that I know I have on my side is the fact that every one who meets me learns about my past.. my not so pretty past.. and that it is my past and how I have continued to deal with things that has made me who I am. I know that iit is my past that will make me a great nurse, because I get it. I get what its like to smoke and want to quit, to have a mother with cancer, to have emergency surgery with no one around. I know what its like to be asked in a doctor's office if you are sexually active and say yes.. only to be asked if you have a steady partner and answer no.
I know what its like to get the news you have an STI.
I know what its like to watch the life you thought you had dissapear.. and everything that comes from that.
I know that my life will serve me well because Ihave a vast amount of compassion.
and I feel that when people understand that you too fuck up, you too don't know what to do or where to go or how to even get out of bed in the morning....when people realize that you are ok admitting your mistakes... they feel like maybe its ok for them to be ok with their mistakes.. to share things with you that they would never otherwise share... and to believe that they too can change their life... because you did... and well, I hope that one day one person reads this blog and sees that the life they are living isn't what they want.. and they have the choice to change.
So I am keeping it.. with all the skeletons that I am terrified of sharing.. worried that one day someone I work with will read this blog and judge me... that writing this will somehow get me into trouble.... and yet I stick by my convictions. we all fuck up... but we only do the best we know how to do at the time.
I am madly in love with J. every time he comes home something shifts with us.. and now that we have moved here... we have a home together.. out in the country and I feel HOME. I finally feel home... like I have never felt before.
We have started to learn how to communicate better and how to stay on eachothers side.... although sometimes I still feel like we are separate.. we are learning... and I know that he loves me. That he appreciates who I am... and that we are both growing and learning from eachother. My only hope is that we get through this next 2 years.
I am in nursing school. It is the scariest thing I have ever done... and I am soooooooo excited to do this.. to be really proud of myself for believing in myself enough to giver 'er hell.
This is my new life. Living in the country with a dog and a cat... head over heels.... and starting nursing school.
Wish me luck.
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