Day 10/morning of day 11

So I spent the day studying for midterms tomorrow... I finally went to bed at about 3:30, and laying here I was overcome with sadness.

I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.

I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.

I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...

As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.

In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...

It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....

I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.

Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....

I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.

day 9

Today was much better. I woke up depressed, and lay in bed for a while, procrastinating... and then my best friend called, and I told her that I was in bed... we hadn't talked since Friday when everything with my family went down. We talked briefly... and basically t one point she just said.. you need to just get out of bed and put this behind you.... so I did...

I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....

I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.

a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...

its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.

we'll see.

Day 8

I had a conversation with my brother today. And... by the end of the conversation I was completely second guessing myself... do I really want to let this relationship go? maybe I haven't done enough! maybe its all my fault... maybe if I just hold on a little longer I will prove to them that I am worth it... they will see how great I am, and love me.... I got off the phone questioning how to take care of myself...

and my friend just said ... "how long are you going to fight for their approval"
"you have done everything you can.... you can't do anymore."
"you deserve so much more than this.... "
"people who love you don't make you feel like shit and then don't appologize for it."

"the hardest thing that you are going to face, is watching their reaction to what you do.... when you stop making an effort, watch what happens... see if they chase you down,  ask you for your forgiveness... or do they just let you go without a fight.... then you'll know.... and if you see that they don't put up a fight.... it will be so hard... but then you can move on... and let go... and know you didn't fight for them to continue to reject you."

"how dare they make you feel like you have to work for their love, that you had no choice in being part of their family... and they treat you like you need to earn their love.... and yet they have not done anything to earn YOUR love.... to deserve you.... its just circumstantial... you don't owe them anything."

"your mother did the only thing she knew how... and her fault was to trust them with taking care of her only daughter.... you are her only child and she loved you.... how upset she would be to see the struggle you have faced all this time, how angry she would be that she trusted this man and he didn't take care of you"

fuck him. let it go... you have people that love you, that want you, and you don't have to prove anything....

Thank you... for making it no longer a fight in my own head, for me trying to convince myself that I deserve better, thank-you for telling me I do, and for showing me that I do.... 

this is so freaking hard.

Day 5, 6 and 7... what next?

So, the past 3 days have proven to be the most difficult by far.... I told the universe that I wasn't going to let people treat me like crap anymore... and it slapped me in the face and said "oh really?, we'll see" and then thew the most impossible choice in front of me.

So on Thursday I decided to start a meditation course with a friend of mine, Friday nights for 5 weeks. So on Friday evening waiting for the bus my other friend calls we'll call her L. She calls and we talk about thanksgiving (which is this weekend by the way) So.... she asks if I'm going home, and I say, naw, you know I never go home... haven't been home on a holiday in 5 years. thanksgiving not since the year we buried my mother.... i don't feel very wanted there.

So she asked if I thought that was mostly me, or them? And I said, "well I think that its a lot of them, but that it is definitely me holding on to things from years past.... that my step father had told me probably 3 or 4 years prior when I asked if I could come home, he said "I don't think that's a good idea.".. he had told me on that occasion, that because his daughter and I don't get along, then he didn't think it would be a good idea.

I remember being so hurt that day... her and my mother never got along, but in all the years we lived at that farm, it was never even suggested that she wouldn't be invited home for a holiday. And then they all moved into the house, her, her husband, her mother and their 2 kids.... and I am not wanted. I was sooo hurt that day and I have never even asked since.

So in that moment on the phone with L I thought.. you know what maybe it is all in my head, maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm unwanted.... so I started scheming, figuring out how to get home this weekend. My other friend is out of the country so I had access to a car... and I worked on Saturday night, but not Sunday... or Monday. And... well I could drive up there on Saturday night!

On the bus I got super excited.... I haven't seen my step brother in so long, and he's been going through a really rough patch, and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, so I was so freaking excited about seeing him, my step father.... and my niece and nephew. My step sister, her husband and mother, I didn't really care about, but I knew I could put our differences aside.

So as soon as I got off the bus I called Chris, my brother, and asked what he thought about me driving home for thanksgiving. He said, that he would love to see me! I told him that I was scared that they didn't want me... and he said, "well I can't make that call, that's dad's call, so just call them and ask, or just say you are coming."

I got off the phone and called home.... Frank, my step father got on the phone.

We said a couple lines of basic, how are you, how are things... etc.
and then I asked if I could come home for thanksgiving. and he said.... well A. there's no where to sleep here. and I said, I don't care, I'll sleep on the couch.. or the floor.

"well... pause... um.... pause.... i don't think it's a good idea."
my heart sank, like being tossed into an ocean with no life jacket, my heart just dropped into my chest, and started to cry. I said.. "yup exactly what I thought you would say., Can I talk to Laurie. "

"ok! he said.. with severe apprehension in his voice"

So my step sister Laurie got on the phone.. I figured, for all these years I have always just let Frank do her fucking dirty work, and this time I was going to ask her, and have her actually say to my face that I wasn't allowed to come up on Thanksgiving!" I'll be honest... never thought that she would do that, she plays the I'm-so-perfect card so well, I thought there would be no way she'd actually tell me that I wasn't invited.... boy was I wrong.

She got on the phone and I point blatantly asked if I could come home for Thanksgiving.... she made a slight awkward giggle and said "way to put me on the spot!" I said, well I just thought I would ask, Chris is coming home, and I haven't been home in years, and I just wanted to know if I could come home.... and I know you make the decisions.... "

"well, I'd be never one to say to anyone that they didn't have a home and a healthy meal to come home to on thanksgiving... but.... you've done some number on my little family here!" (she was referring especially to an incident that had happened a few months prior where her husband wrote something on facebook that insulted my step father.... and I called him on it... and he told me to fuck myself. I called my brother cause I was so upset, who then wrote him and told him off, then called the house and told my step father and step sister what happened, what happened next, was apparently that they blamed me.... and he stood up for me and told them that this wasn't my fault.)

I said to her "I know we never talked about this, but the thing that happened with Scott was not my fault, he said something about Frank, and stood up for him, and your husband told me to fuck myself. .. I didn't call and talk to you about it cause I didn't want to stir the pot.... I called Chris cause I was upset....

her"well you and chris deleted Scott from facebook, and Chris and scott are just becoming friendly again.. do you think Scott will ever forgive Chris for that?"

while this conversation is going on the dialogue that is going on in my head is a million miles a second, I want to tell her she's a fucking moron, as if Chris would ever want to be friends with your husband he's an asshole, the only reason he's even nice to him is cause you live in the house with his father and he wants to still see his father... but no I don't say any of that, I start apologizing cause I want to come home sooo badly.

she proceeds to tell me that she has bent over backwards to make me feel welcome in that family, and that I have done everything I can to not feel welcome, referring to the last Christmas I came home and didn't even want my presents cause I left them all there... that I came and then left.... I said, that was 5 years ago! I was a kid, now I'm an adult....I'm thinking are you fucking kidding me, my mother had died, and I had broken up with my boyfriend... and i was fucked you fucking bitch!

anyways, there I was saying, yes I played a role in it, but I'm sorry, and that the last time I came home before Korea that she had said to me that it was a pleasure having me home and that I could come home anytime... how quickly we forget what we have said when we want to make someone feel like crap..
I told her that I knew we never have had a great relationship since I was little, but I respect that Scott is her husband, even though he hates me, and hated my mother... I just thought that you not wanting me home was in my head....

that this is my biggest fear... she proceeded to get angry and saying things like, way to guilt trip me... on thanksgiving... that if I want to fix this, call from time to time... come up for a weekend and we can talk about it... RIGHT.... like you have done absolutely anything in my life to make me want you in my life.... and call you?? are you kidding me, you have never fucking called me in my entire life. My mother died... and you never fucking called me!

Sometime when things weren't happening... I could try and fix this... and then got off the phone.

my step father got on the phone and said "I told you I thought it wasn't a good idea."
At this point I was almost hyperventilating I was so upset.... and I responded... "ya I'm sorry, I just thought we've been talking every week for months, and I stood up for you.. and thought that maybe, just maybe you would be able to stand up for me to her... " to which he responded, "now you are guilt tripping me... " to which I responded.. "I'm done. Good-bye...."

After getting off the phone and having experienced this total excitement at the prospect of actually going home, and then having them tell me that I am unwanted I broke down, and started sobbing standing on the street in downtown Toronto. I didn't care what people thought about me, I was just sooo upset.

I called my best friend.... and my step brother...

when I told Christopher his response was "they did what?" "no they didn't say that to you..." "are you kidding me?" "well you'll always have me....my heart is bleeding for you right now.... I'm so sorry."

I have spent 3 days in a state of shock.. so much is going through my mind... I am trying to purge the shit in my life.... but to realize that part of that are people you have thought were family.. is unbelievably difficult.

For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am not crazy... that every time I thought I was overreacting, and convincing myself that they didn't want me.... I was actually right.... realizing that and not playing the poor me, victim role is sooo difficult.

I ended up going to a meditation workshop o Friday night which was very helpful.. and then after my friend and I went to dinner... I felt ok... and I know that I can get through this... its just so freaking hard.

I ended up telling her the entire story of Laurie treating my mother like crap... of the guilt trips and the power struggle that existed over the years... of how her husband is a complete waste of space, and treated my mother like fucking crap.. then the hatred really started when I was 14 and one of Scott's friends who was 15 years older, had befriended me, and my mother didn't approve, so when I wanted to hang out with him.... she asked Scott to chaperon.... he dumped the duty on his sister and accused my mother of not trusting him.... looking back on it, she had every right to be worried, it was a fucked up relationship.. he was incredibly creepy.. and at 17 when he called after a couple years of not talking, I told him that I didn't think we should ever talk again.... It was sick that this man wanted to be my friend at 14, and my mother had every right to be worried, but no Scott had to turn it around and convince my mother she was the crazy one... and my poor mother with no self esteem..... believed him.

She never stood up for herself, and frank, her husband never stood up for her either.

I told my friend about how after my mother had died that despite the fact that my mother had invited them all to our family functions every year, and they had always an excuse, the year she died they came to our family reunion, to our Christmas dinner.... and how mad it made me.... that all my mother ever wanted was for their kids to call her Grandma, and how they had refused to allow their kids to do that, and the day she died, the day my mother died, those kids were saying grandma Dana...

I told her about how when I was in the relationship with C. and I knew things were ending, I had asked to come home when I was done school and had been told that my step father had lived on his own for 2 years and didn't think it was a good idea to live with someone else....

I told her about how my mother hadn't written me in the will, but had written Laurie and her children.... and because of that I spent 4 years fighting for a portion of the money that would pay for my school..... that I'm sure my mother just assumed that I would be taken care of, but her trust in them totally backfired...

I told her about the day I read the will, to realize this and then was told that Laurie, her husband, her two kids and her mother were moving back into the house....

too much for one little mind to digest.

I told her about calling home one night because it had gotten to the point at home where I knew C. was cheating on me... and it was awful... and I asked if I could come home, and my step father had said "I don't want you being here for 6 months, so you can come home for a week, pack everything up... "

That the week I broke up with C. I had come home and spent the week packing up all mine and my mother's belongings... and putting them in the barn.

Her response was "you never had a chance... you never had a chance with them... you and your mother never had a chance... she made sure that you always knew that he would never love you as much as he loved her.... and she has power over you because she got everything she ever wanted...and she's the one that got to keep her parent, and you didn't"

yup.. and I have given her that power because I am so freaking jealous that she's a total bitch and got everything she ever wanted.

where's the karma in that????

I am sooo jealous she got to keep her parent.

my friend said.... knowing all the shit you've been through, I would have lost my mind too.. no wonder you are so fucked up over men! These people do not treat you like family... they are not family, they are not blood, and you need to let them go out of your life.... they do not treat you properly... let them win... they just want you around cause they can abuse you. They have power over you and you let them.

FUCK!

I want so badly for this to be a figment of my imagination. I want so badly to have a functioning family, where I have parents and siblings who love me....

accepting this is really difficult.. I find myself, saying, "no, they didn't really mean that!" I don't want to let them go.... I don't want to admit that I don't have parents.... and no home to go home to.... I don't want to admit that to myself at all.

but I have to.. I have to say... you were sold a total load of bullshit and you bought into it... they convinced you you would never be good enough, that you weren't ever good enough..and you believed them, and its NOT TRUE! that you have a family, and a home to go to.... its just your friend's house... and not the house you grew up in....

That he wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband, he never stood up for your mother, and your poor mother didn't know any better.... cause she didn't think she deserved any better...

and this time things are going to change... you will never let that happen to you, and you will not teach your children that they don't deserve the very best, because you will love yourself and show them that that's all that matters....

have compassion for them, because how little they must love themselves if they have to prove their power by treating you like crap... someone who just loves and wants their acceptance....

That you deserve people in your life that adore you....

I'm trying to tell myself that this time is different because you don't have to feel sorry for yourself, feel liberated that you can see it all for what it really is.. a total sham... that you are so loved, and adored and wanted, and just cause they don't treat you like that, or feel that way doesn't challenge the validity of your love.

You have to let them go.... you have to stop seeking approval from them..... you HAVE TO STOP.



So...... through all this, I have wanted nothing more than to go get drunk, and find a man who wants to sleep with me... I just don't want to feel this rejection, I want to sleep with a man that proves to me that I am wanted.. even if it is for just one night....

This man that I have slept with a couple of times wrote me on Friday night at 2:30 in the morning... ironically the last time he wrote I was in Toronto too.... and thank-god I was this time, cause I feel like my world just got put into a blender and I am so freaking vulnerable, I wouldn't have been able to say no....

but I am sooo committed to this change in my life.... so committed, that I didn't tell him that I was in Toronto.... I simply wrote "sorry I've decided no more casual sex." he wrote " what if it wasn't casual" and I wrote "no more sex with anyone I'm not dating, that doesn't care about me" he wrote... "well what if I cater to you?" and I wrote "sorry no dice. night"

I can't even tell you how difficult that was. by saying that I have eliminated all the other times he may want to write me...

How I've always dealt with rejection, pain, sadness, loneliness is to get drunk and find a guy... that's the only way I know how to make the pain subside.... and here I am, at this point in my life where I am purging people that I absolutely have loved... and called family for years... and I'm not going to have sex to rid the sadness....

So yesterday the heaviness and the sorrow from this whole thing crept in and I was supposed to go to Oktoberfest with my cousin, and I realized that I was thinking about the men I'd see, and fantasizing about picking up, and realized I am sick.

I have this parasite in my thought process that has convinced me that that's all I can get, and that I don't deserve any better... and that I believe it.... that I can't go, I have to protect myself.... so I decided to come back to Toronto and be with a good friend so that I don't do anything stupid.... I need to protect myself from myself...so I did...

So its Sunday morning... and I am struggling this morning. I am sad.. I'm so sad.

I'm sad for the little girl inside me that never got the love she deserved... I am sad that I couldn't have known any better... I am sad to admit that I will never go back to the farm. That I will never have a father. I am sad to admit to myself that I really am an orphan.... and adult orphan, but nonetheless. I'm grieving this... and all the years I have wasted trying to get them to love me.

and yet.. I am so hopeful. I am hopeful because I am only 28, and I am seeing the truth, I am seeing that it all comes from self love... and I see the endless possibilities if I get to a point where I truly, madly, deeply love myself.... and how unbelievably that will manifest itself in my life... I am excited at creating this love around me, and eliminating the people that bring me down... I am excited about being able to not only tell, and teach, but show my children the difference between someone who loves themselves and someone who doesn't. I'm excited about being a Naturopathic doctor and actually being able to show people how to really love themselves... cause I know what its like to be put through the ringer......

Today... what am I thankful for today??

I am so thankful that I have the strength and the disposition to have never given up.. to finally be able to see the illusion for what it is, and for starting to accept love into my life.

I am so thankful that I am learning all this stuff in my 20s.

I am so thankful to have the friends and family I have.

I am so thankful for the beauty that surrounds us all in the changing leaves, the sun shining down, in rainbows, and thunderstorms.... the sound of walking through fallen leaves, and the smell of fall.

I am thankful for myself. I am so thankful that I am who I am, and not stuck on the roller coaster ride for another millenia.

I love myself.
today I love myself.
and I forgive those that don't know any better.... I forgive myself for not knowing any better.

week 2? can it get any harder? lol.

Day 4

I knew this wasn't going to be easy... and right now is the first of those many waves. It's a small wave.. but it is there none-the-less.Coupled with exhaustion, and frustration for missing a chemistry lab because of lack of planning on my own part... definitely plays a role in my feeling the lack of control that is starting to bubble up inside me...

What is this like? you ask. It's trying to kick a habit, an addiction, I'm sure.... but its an emotional addiction that hides itself under the surface.... Now, I am not going through crazy hard feelings right now, just a feeling like I don't know what to do with myself... I just want to get drunk and make the feeling go away...

In the past when I start feeling like this I mistake it for loneliness, and I go out to the bar, distract myself with beer and people, and then, hopefully find someone who wants to share my bed and make me feel not so alone...

Knowing, simply knowing that I can't go to that space anymore scares me... let alone when I actually feel that way. I want so badly to preoccupy my time with stupid chatter, going on POF and trying to find someone to talk to, that I KNOW, won't lead anywhere... its difficult to realize that you've been hurting your self for so many years that you can't even see it any more.

When I told one of my friends that I had decided to not have any interactions with men, aside from conversations with friends... but no seeking male attention of any kind, she said " well you don't have to do that, just be aware of your interactions, watch them, observe how you are... " I said" I can't"

what I realize is that my interactions with men have spiralled down the rabbit hole, and are at a point now where my neutral ground is so far in the negative, that what I think a positive interaction is still in the negative. My perception of what is going on is not in fact what is going on....

We've all heard that it's in the interpretation, its weird to start realizing that your interpretation is out of distorted goggles, that your view of something is completely squewed... it is also difficult to, despite the fact that you know this... when you can't explain it, articulate it.... its so hard to forge through, believe that you have it right, because of course, I could be completely wrong...

there's this tension that lies in the middle of my chest.... its the feeling right before a panic attack, the heaviness.... it's light... but someone once told me that panic is the feeling you get when you supress your emotions, when you don't want to let them out, its not being in control...

that's how I feel, out of control....

it's weird, I think that perhaps my interactions with men is how I attempted to gain control of the situation... as a kid and a teenager, I never had guys interested in me, so I finally took it upon myself to make things happen... I pursue men, I make it easy for them to pursue me, to make out with me, to sleep with me... I make the game easy, so that It actually happens.... that's where it started.... and now its become habit, I don't even realize, or see, that I made that choice, that I made that happen... that I made the game easy, and in so doing, made the outcome less and less enjoyable, to the point now where when I sleep with a guy I don't even care.... I don't expect him tocall or write, and if he does, there are 2 out comes... either I find something terribly wrong with him, and I run the other way... or 2. I just sleep with him, I make myself completely available to him, and make sleeping together how I validate myself....

ah its so sad... what my mother would think if she were able to see.... she would be so sad for me, that I let myself get to this point... to see how much I devalued myself... how I don't cherish myself.

So control, realizing... or at least starting to realize that this is all about control, control over my own life, removing these situations makes me feel like I'm not in control, and sends my brain running around in panic mode.... perhaps that feeling isn't my brain though? perhaps its my ego trying to regain control of the situation.... man its sooo hard to figure this shit out.

I had a fantasy last night... a fantasy that for the first time in my life I had sex and it meant something... that it was special, and loving and kind, and passionate, and important. That I met a man who was sensitive to the sacredness of it all. That I was at a point where I could actually be vulnerable with someone and make love.

It's difficult to imagine that I have never had sex where it means anything to the other person. That I have shared myself, and my body with countless men who don'tcare about me... and to be honest, that I don't even care about....

It's bizarre to realize that I have come so far that I just don't care anymore.. I don't care about the men, I rarely remember them, it just becomes another blur.

There was a time where I remembered everything about my life.. and now every day sort of runs in to the other... I'm not present in my own life.... This is my attempt to regain myself, be present, and reclaim my body, my mind and my spirit.

It doesn't make it any easier, when there's hope but no assured outcome... I hate doing anything unless I know that its going to turn out... I hate the risk...I want to be in control... and yet... here I am... feeling like I'm losing it... for the hope that I get it all back, but this time in a different, more empowered way...

doesn't make right now any easier though :(

Day 1....part 2.

I always say you must tackle all that which is difficult in your life, if you are scared of something then that means you should do it... that you should laugh in the face of fear and show yourself that you can do it anyways... no matter how scary it is.... so here I am, finally tackling probably the hardest thing in my life.... men.

Today is the first day of no men, at all.... no seeking of male attention in anyway. Day one... and I am completely and utterly lost...

I can't even tell you how aweful I feel right now... I feel depressed. Its 3pm, and I have laid in bed this whole time.... 15 hours. I feel like I used to feel years ago when I would just not get out of bed, ski school, or skip work... just get stuck behind my sadness.... every time I would wake up I would run through all the reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.... and here I am, feeling the exact same way.... when absolutely nothing has happened!

It's sooo weird. Its not like it was the weekend, and I am trying to avoid circumstances where I will be seeking male attention.. nope, just school... and I am incredibly depressed. Like I have no freaking idea what to do with myself... like this has been running me my whole life... and I have no idea what to do with myself without this to run me.. eveything I do is about "will I find him" "where is he" , "if I don't go out tonight, maybe I'll miss him.." it's like a tape on repeat.... for 9 years... same shit, all the time.

I feel so sad for me.... all the talk, all the thinking that I've changed, all the hope... and yet, nothing had changed.... I would still go out, pick up and sleep with some ass hole that didn't give a shit about me... but I obviously didn't give a shit about me either.... How deluded we all are to our own behavior... how unbelievably in denial about the things that we do on repeat a thousand times....

What I'm holding on to is.... someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome... well at least, if nothing changes, this is at least something new.... I'm trying something new, and at least that's a change.

OK...I have to go at least study today, so I'm not so incredibly wasteful with my day.

next thing to tackle.... smoking. fuck.

Day 1.

I realize that I am in complete and utter denial about how I treat myself. I have no clue what I am doing to myself... and I perpetuate all the negative things in my life because of the way I am being. I am constantly looking inside and trying to figure out WHY, what causes me to be the way I am and how to fix myself.... I talk to avoid... and I don't REALLY want to see what's going on or change... I get something out of it that I'M not even really clear about right now, and its terrifying.

I've been single for 5 years. 5 Years, and I have completely convinced myself that that is ok. I have completely convinced myself that my behaviour with men is ok and that I don't really care what they think of me.... I am in so much denial, I can't even see it.. but I know its there, and for that I am so thankful.

I constantly seek the attention of men, whether its positive or negative, and I don't even notice myself doing it....

This weekend, I talked to a really good friend of mine that is going through a similar transformation and the clarity that I am getting is profound...

I was telling her a story of the most recent guy I slept with.... we had slept together in the spring and ran into eachother, and one thing lead to another, I was heading home to sleep with him. Completely straight up, knew what was going to happen... we had good sex, soft, sensual sex... and then in the morning when he drove me home I asked if we were going ot exchange numbers. H told me that he wouldn't take mine, but he would give me his... he didn't want to take my number because "I'm just in a spot in my life where I know I won't call you"... ok.... "well I'll take yours then and call you sometime for a booty call.. deal?" "ok"... he gave me his number... to which I texted that night and the next day, only to find out it was the wrong number.

In the past I would have been sooo upset, so yes I have been making some progress... but told myself it must have been a mistake.... on thursday night I ran into him at the bar... walked right over to him and said "did you purposfully give me the wrong number"
"no"
"ok, well I've been texting the wrong number"
"oh" awkward silence
"well can I get your right number"
"no"
"so did you intentionally give me the wrong number"
"no, but I thought about it after and I don't want anything else ot happen between us."
"ok? you know I just want to sleep with you right? nothing more?"
"ya, but.."
"so that's it?"
awkward silence
"I'm going back to my friends now, ok?"
"ok... bye"

I told my friend this, and she says "why don't y ou walk around back of yourself and kickyourself in the back?"

"What?" I replied...

I didn't see it... I thought here I was not taking crap from another guy.. and she was like... yes you are.. you totally put yourself in a position where he was treating you like crap.. you made him, to your face tell you he wasn't interested...

I couldn't see it, I still can barely see it, I completel rationalize it away in my head....

The rest of the weekend was continuously talking about self love, and getting real with yourself...

At the end of the time with her I felt like there is no way I can go home after spending the whole weekend talking about this shit and go back to the same old bull shit... that I Have to make a chage... and my ego is going crazy right now.

every mean thing it could say is being said
"there's no way you can succeed"
"you need to have a guy in your life"
"there's nothing wrong with having sex and it not matter"
"you can never go 6 months without any male attention"
blah blah blah

and then there's this tiny little voice hidden behind it all that says"you can do this, I'm so excited for you... we can have fun again!" its like my inner child jumping up and down and the excitement of being able to live again and be free...

I'm terrified.

I've decided to not listen to my ego and go 6 months without sleeping with any guys... and after talking to my room mate... that means, not even seeking attention from guys... to take it one day at a time... one day...and just try.

I have no idea how I am going to do this... I totally equate male attention with my own value, and if I'm not seeking it, if I am not looking for it, or accepting it... I have no idea where that value is going to come from... but I am determined to get off this fucking roller coaster ride.... and I know the only answer is to love myself... and treat myself with respect, take care of myself and not allow myself to equate my own worth to whether someone is paying attention to me...

so. tomorrow is day one.

I have gone through my phone and facebook and deleted all the men that I would call for a booty call.... or just to get attention from. Most guys were fine.. but a couple of them. Its so hard, because I want them to want me.. I want them to like me... and I know that when I delete them, I will never hear from them again.

I am hiding my plenty of fish account.... because I am not ready to delete it...

I am terrified, I am scared that I can't do this.. that in 2 days I am going to text some one or invite someone over. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. I am scared that at the end of this.. if I put 100% and actually get to 6 months/year without sleeping, or even kissing a single man, nothing will have changed. I will still be exactly here, and still single. That it will all be in vain.... deep down I know that won't be the truth, but that's how I feel right now... I feel like its the biggest mountain EVER! I am so overwhelmed... how the fuck am I going to do this.

I'm going to try my best to document this journey....
INTENSE.
A.

new insight....

It's interesting how we bounce back and forth as we grow and move forward, how we slip up from time to time... how we beat ourselves up for not being the person we want or think we should be....

every time I come to this blog now I feel like I am in a completely different place than the last time.. and yet I know that it's just a different day, and there still are days where I feel like those other posts...

lately I've been incredibly introspective, trying to look at my ways of being that haven't been working, and how I can change them... one thing that I have been starting to do is really being aware of how much time I spend being negative, especially towards myself... and making small changes to try and rectify that...

I'm starting to get some of the anecdotes that people have been saying for years... but I just wasn't in a place where I could really get them... like take care of yourself first.... now that's one that I just never got... and now I am realizing.... albeit, slowly, that if you respect yourself, you take care of yourself, and have the ability to respect and take care of others...

One thing I am very aware of is how hard I am on myself... and yet I am a very happy person, so I can't help but feel sad for those people who are negative, and how mean they must be to themselves....

In light of this new awareness, I am trying to be more dedicated to appreciating myself and being more kind to myself... so as a result, every time that I catch myself saying mean things or negative things, I immediately say the opposite.. in my head of course.. and even though I may not believe it, I'm trying to train myself to think differently.... hoping that it will cause a shift inside me, where I really, trully, love myself.

A perfect example of this in action was last week I wanted to go to the gym, and wanted to rride my bike... after thinking that I immediately said, it's too far, it's too difficult, its too hot, you can't do it.... there's a very large hill between here and the gym and I am incredibly intimidated by this hill... but more, I'm concerned with what I would look like panting up this hill, or if I got off my bike and walked.... it's rediculous, really... I spend so much time thinking about what's in other people's heads, despite the fact that I have no idea.. and probably don't give me on my bike a second thought...

anyways, as soon as I realized I was being negative I said, its not far, its not hard, its not too hot and you can do it... and I got on my bike and did.

Its the little things and I am making huge steps forward...

With regards to men, I have been having revelations lately... not only with regards to myself, but as a result with regards to men... and I have decided that I know what I want in a relationship. I want it to be easy.. I want to just be gotten, and I REFUSE to listen to those people that say it will never happen.... because I have come to the conclusion, that I would really be ok not being in a relationship than being in a relationship that isn't working.

I have accepted that I know myself better than anyone else, and that I respect myself enough to not try and convince myself to be any different than I am...

What's funny about that statement, is that by accepting myself as I am, and respecting what I want... I am in fact changing who I am and how I am.... but I am gaining so much confidence and strength.. I feel way more grounded... and hopeful for the future.

sex.... damn you.

So... I am having a dilemma today.. and most days for that matter.... sex... I swear if it weren't for sex I would have much better control of my life. I think about it a debilitating amount of times a day. Sometimes my skin crawls because I want it so badly, physically its a craving to be close to someone else, and to release the energy that's built up inside me.... I don't know how to let it go without having sex... and so I find myself, drinking, picking up at the bar, and havig sex with a complete stranger.... or in last nights case, trying, with no success and then finding myself walking home alone.... and waking up in the morning feeling almost crazy, because I still haven't found someone...

I don't think its normal... although I wish someone would tell me its normal, and help me figure out a way to satisfy that urge inside me....

You know what just popped into my head... is that I didn't feel this way last week when i was going to yoga.... maybe, that helps??? Maybe excercise in any form would help me atleast a little.... man I hate this feeling, its like it controls me.... I want to cry its so frustrating... the worst is sometimes when I feel this way, I do have sex, and I'm still not satisfied.... I just want more...

Sex can sometimes be soooo unsatisfying in itself. I have a really difficult time orgasming... my fantasies usually consist of being tied down or held down some how, being forced to orgasm.... I can very rarely just cum... and I hate that, because that's where the release is. and yet, its like I bottle everything up and can't get it out... all this energy is festering inside me... eating at me... making me feel soooo frustrated.

anyways.... I felt like I had to write how I was feeling today.... somewhere.. so I chose here... I know. Random.

Oh the summer...

I haven't read what the last post was... but I think I wrote about my detox... I did it, I completed it.. I felt great and then I lost all my motivation.. and have been just surviving again...

That's what I tend to do... the roller coaster of life... I wish there was just a switch in my head that I could turn off, or on if you will.. and be the person I want to be, but the demons inside me always have the ability to creep back in and I lose all clarity I had before..

The summer has proven to be interesting, I have had 2 flings, one lasting about 2 months, and it ended in us deciding to just be friends...at first I was hurt by the rejection I was feeling, but, then the more we hung out as friends, the more I realized i didn't even really like this guy.... and so have moved on, without being hurt...

The second guy was a one night stand that turned into us hanging out a few times, him dropping in at the bar and hanging out with me.. then finally going to a movie last week. It felt like we were becoming some sort of relationship... and then when I asked he reiterated that he thinks we should just be friends...

I was really confronted with it... cause just being friends scares me... but I suppose I have nothing to lose...

then this weekend I lost my job... get completely wasted and ended up bringing a guy home.... to my horror I have no idea what happened once we got home... I woke up on my sofa, and he was gone... the most uncomfortable feeling I think I have ever had... since, I told a friend and she wrote me a letter getting mad at me for not respecting myself and allowing men to just use me...

So here I am, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me... I just looked up this sexuality map online... http://www.humansexmap.com/ and to my great thrill I'm not as fucked as I thought, cause most of the stuff on that list I have more or less disgusted with...

I think now that my need for one night stands doesn't have much to do with self hatred, or low self esteem, although I'm sure there is still a little self esteem issues that are tied up in it all, I think its more just habit now.. I have no idea how to just give a guy my number and go home bymyself... I am addicted to continuing the night through sexual gratification... and what bothers me is not the amount of men that I have slept with but rather, that I don't value sex enough to want to wait for someone that actually cares about me... I just don't care. It's this complete disassociation with the intimacy.. and I have no idea how to get it back...

I've decided to try and start doing yoga a few days a week, and hopefully that will help rebalance mind body and spirit....

I really have no idea what to do...

but thought I would write this, because at the end of this crazy journey, someone has got to be able to feel some sort of relatability... and hopefully, knowing that someone else has been there will atleast help a little...

The voice in my heart says that I should stop having sex completely.. and when I feel the need, to just sit with it... explore what the feeling truly is, where it emanates from, and why it exists.. and maybe that will enable me to pass through it, to a place where my sexuality doesn't run me... but that it is simply a part of me that I can control...

I think that's all I want... to know that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality, but rather that I am not at the mercy of it...

I know i am most definately moving in the right direction....but this set back from the weekend, feels like I'm back to my same old destructive behaviour which feels far more debilitating... like I'm defeated.... that something else controls me... not me...

You are in control.....you are in control... you are in control.