Day 1....part 2.

I always say you must tackle all that which is difficult in your life, if you are scared of something then that means you should do it... that you should laugh in the face of fear and show yourself that you can do it anyways... no matter how scary it is.... so here I am, finally tackling probably the hardest thing in my life.... men.

Today is the first day of no men, at all.... no seeking of male attention in anyway. Day one... and I am completely and utterly lost...

I can't even tell you how aweful I feel right now... I feel depressed. Its 3pm, and I have laid in bed this whole time.... 15 hours. I feel like I used to feel years ago when I would just not get out of bed, ski school, or skip work... just get stuck behind my sadness.... every time I would wake up I would run through all the reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.... and here I am, feeling the exact same way.... when absolutely nothing has happened!

It's sooo weird. Its not like it was the weekend, and I am trying to avoid circumstances where I will be seeking male attention.. nope, just school... and I am incredibly depressed. Like I have no freaking idea what to do with myself... like this has been running me my whole life... and I have no idea what to do with myself without this to run me.. eveything I do is about "will I find him" "where is he" , "if I don't go out tonight, maybe I'll miss him.." it's like a tape on repeat.... for 9 years... same shit, all the time.

I feel so sad for me.... all the talk, all the thinking that I've changed, all the hope... and yet, nothing had changed.... I would still go out, pick up and sleep with some ass hole that didn't give a shit about me... but I obviously didn't give a shit about me either.... How deluded we all are to our own behavior... how unbelievably in denial about the things that we do on repeat a thousand times....

What I'm holding on to is.... someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome... well at least, if nothing changes, this is at least something new.... I'm trying something new, and at least that's a change.

OK...I have to go at least study today, so I'm not so incredibly wasteful with my day.

next thing to tackle.... smoking. fuck.

Day 1.

I realize that I am in complete and utter denial about how I treat myself. I have no clue what I am doing to myself... and I perpetuate all the negative things in my life because of the way I am being. I am constantly looking inside and trying to figure out WHY, what causes me to be the way I am and how to fix myself.... I talk to avoid... and I don't REALLY want to see what's going on or change... I get something out of it that I'M not even really clear about right now, and its terrifying.

I've been single for 5 years. 5 Years, and I have completely convinced myself that that is ok. I have completely convinced myself that my behaviour with men is ok and that I don't really care what they think of me.... I am in so much denial, I can't even see it.. but I know its there, and for that I am so thankful.

I constantly seek the attention of men, whether its positive or negative, and I don't even notice myself doing it....

This weekend, I talked to a really good friend of mine that is going through a similar transformation and the clarity that I am getting is profound...

I was telling her a story of the most recent guy I slept with.... we had slept together in the spring and ran into eachother, and one thing lead to another, I was heading home to sleep with him. Completely straight up, knew what was going to happen... we had good sex, soft, sensual sex... and then in the morning when he drove me home I asked if we were going ot exchange numbers. H told me that he wouldn't take mine, but he would give me his... he didn't want to take my number because "I'm just in a spot in my life where I know I won't call you"... ok.... "well I'll take yours then and call you sometime for a booty call.. deal?" "ok"... he gave me his number... to which I texted that night and the next day, only to find out it was the wrong number.

In the past I would have been sooo upset, so yes I have been making some progress... but told myself it must have been a mistake.... on thursday night I ran into him at the bar... walked right over to him and said "did you purposfully give me the wrong number"
"no"
"ok, well I've been texting the wrong number"
"oh" awkward silence
"well can I get your right number"
"no"
"so did you intentionally give me the wrong number"
"no, but I thought about it after and I don't want anything else ot happen between us."
"ok? you know I just want to sleep with you right? nothing more?"
"ya, but.."
"so that's it?"
awkward silence
"I'm going back to my friends now, ok?"
"ok... bye"

I told my friend this, and she says "why don't y ou walk around back of yourself and kickyourself in the back?"

"What?" I replied...

I didn't see it... I thought here I was not taking crap from another guy.. and she was like... yes you are.. you totally put yourself in a position where he was treating you like crap.. you made him, to your face tell you he wasn't interested...

I couldn't see it, I still can barely see it, I completel rationalize it away in my head....

The rest of the weekend was continuously talking about self love, and getting real with yourself...

At the end of the time with her I felt like there is no way I can go home after spending the whole weekend talking about this shit and go back to the same old bull shit... that I Have to make a chage... and my ego is going crazy right now.

every mean thing it could say is being said
"there's no way you can succeed"
"you need to have a guy in your life"
"there's nothing wrong with having sex and it not matter"
"you can never go 6 months without any male attention"
blah blah blah

and then there's this tiny little voice hidden behind it all that says"you can do this, I'm so excited for you... we can have fun again!" its like my inner child jumping up and down and the excitement of being able to live again and be free...

I'm terrified.

I've decided to not listen to my ego and go 6 months without sleeping with any guys... and after talking to my room mate... that means, not even seeking attention from guys... to take it one day at a time... one day...and just try.

I have no idea how I am going to do this... I totally equate male attention with my own value, and if I'm not seeking it, if I am not looking for it, or accepting it... I have no idea where that value is going to come from... but I am determined to get off this fucking roller coaster ride.... and I know the only answer is to love myself... and treat myself with respect, take care of myself and not allow myself to equate my own worth to whether someone is paying attention to me...

so. tomorrow is day one.

I have gone through my phone and facebook and deleted all the men that I would call for a booty call.... or just to get attention from. Most guys were fine.. but a couple of them. Its so hard, because I want them to want me.. I want them to like me... and I know that when I delete them, I will never hear from them again.

I am hiding my plenty of fish account.... because I am not ready to delete it...

I am terrified, I am scared that I can't do this.. that in 2 days I am going to text some one or invite someone over. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. I am scared that at the end of this.. if I put 100% and actually get to 6 months/year without sleeping, or even kissing a single man, nothing will have changed. I will still be exactly here, and still single. That it will all be in vain.... deep down I know that won't be the truth, but that's how I feel right now... I feel like its the biggest mountain EVER! I am so overwhelmed... how the fuck am I going to do this.

I'm going to try my best to document this journey....
INTENSE.
A.

new insight....

It's interesting how we bounce back and forth as we grow and move forward, how we slip up from time to time... how we beat ourselves up for not being the person we want or think we should be....

every time I come to this blog now I feel like I am in a completely different place than the last time.. and yet I know that it's just a different day, and there still are days where I feel like those other posts...

lately I've been incredibly introspective, trying to look at my ways of being that haven't been working, and how I can change them... one thing that I have been starting to do is really being aware of how much time I spend being negative, especially towards myself... and making small changes to try and rectify that...

I'm starting to get some of the anecdotes that people have been saying for years... but I just wasn't in a place where I could really get them... like take care of yourself first.... now that's one that I just never got... and now I am realizing.... albeit, slowly, that if you respect yourself, you take care of yourself, and have the ability to respect and take care of others...

One thing I am very aware of is how hard I am on myself... and yet I am a very happy person, so I can't help but feel sad for those people who are negative, and how mean they must be to themselves....

In light of this new awareness, I am trying to be more dedicated to appreciating myself and being more kind to myself... so as a result, every time that I catch myself saying mean things or negative things, I immediately say the opposite.. in my head of course.. and even though I may not believe it, I'm trying to train myself to think differently.... hoping that it will cause a shift inside me, where I really, trully, love myself.

A perfect example of this in action was last week I wanted to go to the gym, and wanted to rride my bike... after thinking that I immediately said, it's too far, it's too difficult, its too hot, you can't do it.... there's a very large hill between here and the gym and I am incredibly intimidated by this hill... but more, I'm concerned with what I would look like panting up this hill, or if I got off my bike and walked.... it's rediculous, really... I spend so much time thinking about what's in other people's heads, despite the fact that I have no idea.. and probably don't give me on my bike a second thought...

anyways, as soon as I realized I was being negative I said, its not far, its not hard, its not too hot and you can do it... and I got on my bike and did.

Its the little things and I am making huge steps forward...

With regards to men, I have been having revelations lately... not only with regards to myself, but as a result with regards to men... and I have decided that I know what I want in a relationship. I want it to be easy.. I want to just be gotten, and I REFUSE to listen to those people that say it will never happen.... because I have come to the conclusion, that I would really be ok not being in a relationship than being in a relationship that isn't working.

I have accepted that I know myself better than anyone else, and that I respect myself enough to not try and convince myself to be any different than I am...

What's funny about that statement, is that by accepting myself as I am, and respecting what I want... I am in fact changing who I am and how I am.... but I am gaining so much confidence and strength.. I feel way more grounded... and hopeful for the future.

sex.... damn you.

So... I am having a dilemma today.. and most days for that matter.... sex... I swear if it weren't for sex I would have much better control of my life. I think about it a debilitating amount of times a day. Sometimes my skin crawls because I want it so badly, physically its a craving to be close to someone else, and to release the energy that's built up inside me.... I don't know how to let it go without having sex... and so I find myself, drinking, picking up at the bar, and havig sex with a complete stranger.... or in last nights case, trying, with no success and then finding myself walking home alone.... and waking up in the morning feeling almost crazy, because I still haven't found someone...

I don't think its normal... although I wish someone would tell me its normal, and help me figure out a way to satisfy that urge inside me....

You know what just popped into my head... is that I didn't feel this way last week when i was going to yoga.... maybe, that helps??? Maybe excercise in any form would help me atleast a little.... man I hate this feeling, its like it controls me.... I want to cry its so frustrating... the worst is sometimes when I feel this way, I do have sex, and I'm still not satisfied.... I just want more...

Sex can sometimes be soooo unsatisfying in itself. I have a really difficult time orgasming... my fantasies usually consist of being tied down or held down some how, being forced to orgasm.... I can very rarely just cum... and I hate that, because that's where the release is. and yet, its like I bottle everything up and can't get it out... all this energy is festering inside me... eating at me... making me feel soooo frustrated.

anyways.... I felt like I had to write how I was feeling today.... somewhere.. so I chose here... I know. Random.

Oh the summer...

I haven't read what the last post was... but I think I wrote about my detox... I did it, I completed it.. I felt great and then I lost all my motivation.. and have been just surviving again...

That's what I tend to do... the roller coaster of life... I wish there was just a switch in my head that I could turn off, or on if you will.. and be the person I want to be, but the demons inside me always have the ability to creep back in and I lose all clarity I had before..

The summer has proven to be interesting, I have had 2 flings, one lasting about 2 months, and it ended in us deciding to just be friends...at first I was hurt by the rejection I was feeling, but, then the more we hung out as friends, the more I realized i didn't even really like this guy.... and so have moved on, without being hurt...

The second guy was a one night stand that turned into us hanging out a few times, him dropping in at the bar and hanging out with me.. then finally going to a movie last week. It felt like we were becoming some sort of relationship... and then when I asked he reiterated that he thinks we should just be friends...

I was really confronted with it... cause just being friends scares me... but I suppose I have nothing to lose...

then this weekend I lost my job... get completely wasted and ended up bringing a guy home.... to my horror I have no idea what happened once we got home... I woke up on my sofa, and he was gone... the most uncomfortable feeling I think I have ever had... since, I told a friend and she wrote me a letter getting mad at me for not respecting myself and allowing men to just use me...

So here I am, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me... I just looked up this sexuality map online... http://www.humansexmap.com/ and to my great thrill I'm not as fucked as I thought, cause most of the stuff on that list I have more or less disgusted with...

I think now that my need for one night stands doesn't have much to do with self hatred, or low self esteem, although I'm sure there is still a little self esteem issues that are tied up in it all, I think its more just habit now.. I have no idea how to just give a guy my number and go home bymyself... I am addicted to continuing the night through sexual gratification... and what bothers me is not the amount of men that I have slept with but rather, that I don't value sex enough to want to wait for someone that actually cares about me... I just don't care. It's this complete disassociation with the intimacy.. and I have no idea how to get it back...

I've decided to try and start doing yoga a few days a week, and hopefully that will help rebalance mind body and spirit....

I really have no idea what to do...

but thought I would write this, because at the end of this crazy journey, someone has got to be able to feel some sort of relatability... and hopefully, knowing that someone else has been there will atleast help a little...

The voice in my heart says that I should stop having sex completely.. and when I feel the need, to just sit with it... explore what the feeling truly is, where it emanates from, and why it exists.. and maybe that will enable me to pass through it, to a place where my sexuality doesn't run me... but that it is simply a part of me that I can control...

I think that's all I want... to know that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality, but rather that I am not at the mercy of it...

I know i am most definately moving in the right direction....but this set back from the weekend, feels like I'm back to my same old destructive behaviour which feels far more debilitating... like I'm defeated.... that something else controls me... not me...

You are in control.....you are in control... you are in control.

If someday.. why not today?

So, for years and years I have been telling myself that I will lose weight.. get healthy. And days pass, weeks pass, months pass, years pass. So here I am, 27 and still with the health issues I have always had, well atleast in my adult life.

I decided this fall to pursue a career in Naturopathic Medicine. For many reasons, but one reason is because it feels right in my bones... my apprehention, besides money and time lay in the idea that I am not that person yet, I smoke, I drink, I'm overweight, I still have one night stands from time to time....

But.. I realized that in becoming a Naturopath, I would become the person I want to be....

So, I've been back in school now for 4 months... the 4 months were a complete roller coaster ride, from freaking out and feeling overwhelmed, to getting 95 on a Chemistry midterm and feeling like a superstar! I've battled with all my issues over the past 4 months, from lonliness, missing mom, missing my ex cause I am back in the town that we lived in together and the last time I was here was when I found out he was cheating on me and packed up all my shit...

I've spent nights, drunk, stoned, morrnings in bed with complete strangers, have had amazing conversations, and not so amazing conversations, and have been surprised by many of the kids I go to school with.

In the past 4 months I think I have finally started to put to rest many of my demons... like a purge.

Which leads me to this week.

I've been telling myself for years that I am going to change... do a cleanse, and quit smoking, and every time I plan on it, something comes up.. my girlfriends are going out for a big celebration, its a long weekend, its my birthday, its a holiday... there's always an excuse and so I put it off...

With smoking... I told my cousin that smoking was like a crutch for me...like my legs had been broken, and smoking supported me... I started when I was 16 to fit in... to have friends, to be able to make friends, and it has served me well, I have met so many people standing outside having a smoke, asking for a light, or just starting random conversation.... they were my crutches, like so many of my vices are... they are a way for me to feel like I belong.

And so now, at 27 my legs have healed, I am strong and confident...but I`ve been walking with these crutches for so long, that I`m not confident enough to walk on my own 2 legs... until this week...

On Friday I said... if someday... why not today?

I have this vision of myself.. for the first time.. I can actually see myself as this thin, strong, beautiful woman inspiring people by who I am just BEING.
So it's day 5. No alcohol, No wheat, No dairy, No gluten, no sugar... for 21 days.

As for smoking, I've been cutting down over the past 4 days, and yesterday I had 1..... so today is the first day I am going to try to go the entire day without a smoke.

Everytime I feel like this is too much, or want to say that its hard... I say to myself... "you are in charge.. you get to decide.. it's your life, either you make it easy or you make it difficult, which one is it going to be?"

I really believe that my weight and health is at the crux of my issues.. that I've been unhealthy because I've had low self esteem, and I have had low self esteem because I've been unhealthy. So now that I have built up enough self esteem to get me through, I can tackle the weight... which I am sure will just add to my self esteem. I feel so good right now, tackling this... finally!

On Saturday I went to the gym, and I was 211 lbs. ... my goal is 160lbs
So I'll hopefully write on here and talk about what I'm going through... the journey that is the new A.

crazy!!

clarity

there are moments in my life that I am clear. Everything seems clear to me... and then in an instant the clarity disappears and I am left here... now.

When I'm clear its like I step outside myself... my thoughts aren't bombarded with all the experience.. its like my thoughts are new.. untainted and uncynical...

I am writing this in the middle of losing the clarity...

but atleast I feel like i have it right now.. so I am going to write...

I went back to school 9 weeks ago... I haven't put pen to paper in as long...

it's weird how that happens, I have very little documentation of big transitions in my life... it's almost like I avoid writing it down... why? I have no idea...

but I want to... so here it is...

Things have changed formidably for me in the past year... I am a different person... and yet I am the same...

there's too much background info... but here is where I am...

I have changed a lot in the past little while... but the one thing that has gone back to the same old same old.. is having one night stands.

I thought I was past this... I really did.. I thought I had learned confidence, I had healed parts of me I didn't even know I needed healing... I had a feeling about myself that i was confident, calm, collected... and beautiful... and that that would help me move past this stage of my life... where I enjoy it sooo much, but in enjoying it I disrespect myself, and don't feel like I'm better than that....

which is painful.. because I know I do.... but maybe I don't yet in my heart..

anyways, sitting here, at the end of the night... without having anyone to sleep with, without having anyone to call, being lonely..

I looked... just for a second of clarity... why it is that I have been single for so long.

And in my moment of clarity.. I realized that I am soooooooooooooooo too intense for men. Maybe I am wrong and that most women are like me... I have no way of knowing... but I believe from my experience that the truth is.. I am too intense...
i get close to people really fast... guys tell me shit about themselves they don't tell anyone... spending a night with me is passionate, interesting, fun, and intense... and maybe that's why it never goes anywhere... because there's too much there already.... it's scary.

well even if I am wrong...

As a result... I will be single until I find someone who is as passionate, as confident, and understands that I can be incredibly intense... and that has to be ok.

So that's all I have today.
A.

coming into being...

I came on here because I wanted to write what was going on for me, and then I read my last post, and remembered what it was about, and am moved at my own growth and am left wondering what I wanted to write in the first place.

So much has happened in the past few weeks... I am making peace with so many parts of my life.. and making peace with myself... with my fears, my frustrations, and in so doing I am becoming more aware of the light inside of me.. and my purpose... who I was born to be.

I am scared of failing.. all the time... and yet, finally I have the strength to look past that fear and start to move towards who I know myself to be. Strong, Loving, Kind, Intelligent, Successful, HEALTHY.

I've decided to go back to school... to pursue the gifts that I was given at birth... and was scared to go after.. to incorporate all that my mother passed on to me.. all that I hold in my heart, my love, my knowledge and my dedication.. I am embracing my path in life and its thrilling.

As for men... things have been starting to shift for me... slowly. I still have my moments where I seek the attention of men to cover up something else in my heart. But I am getting better at my choices, and forgiving myself for my shortcomings.

I'm also learning to let the drama go.... also very slowly. When drama shows up in my life I am quicker to diffuse the upset in my heart and not bombard those around me with my own angst. Learning how to not take things so seriously and personally. I'm still growing!

Life is such an interesting series of events.. all that got me to this place had to happen.. all the sads, all the happys... all the failures and all the successes... all the moments where I wished it was different.. have all pushed me forward through time and space to this moment. And although there are a few things that I would like changed, I finally understand that the struggles create space to learn, to grow and shift the path of life.

I am surrounded by so much love... its amazing.

Thank-you for the love.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a moment.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for an hour...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a week...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a month....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a season....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a year...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a decade..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for eternity...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a moment...

Everyday I see love...or am blessed by feeling love in my heart... my heart is so warmed.. and I am comforted... however, what almost automaticall comes from that love is the comeplete and utter fear of losing that love... having it dissapear into the abyss of existance.. as fast as it came...

I try desperately to hold on to love.. only to have it dissapear faster than it came...

Allowing love to come.. in and then out is an art, I have yet to master... it is so easy to start wondering what you did wrong to lose the love... what you did wrong.. self-pitty... self deprication... self-hate...

it is such a gift to feel that intense love from and for another human being.. even for a split second... why oh why are we so crushed at the loss of it? Why not embrace how lucky we were to experience it?

I always feel ripped off it was love for just a short time... and then I came up with this in my head...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was for just a moment...

...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was just for an eternity...

because its all perspective... a moment is in itlsef eternity.. and instead of grieving the loss of something so special we should all be so thankful love found us in that moment.. that for a brief time we created that devine space for GOD.. for love, for the devine to show up in our lives..

And I also must thank-you for giving me the space to be me.. and let me love you... cause you also created that perfect moment.. even it was for just a moment...

I wonder if we've been playing htis game through lifetimes... teasing eachother... showing up at the perfect time to remind eachother that love... deep.. unconditional, heart stopping breath taking away kind of love is out there... we just have to be available.. and accept its timing in our lives...

I also am learning that love can show up in so many different ways.. and to stop only seeing love as one specific manifestation. Love is everywhere.. no matter how scared you are. From a smile, to a sweet smell, to a wink, a touch, a look, a kiss, a tear, an orgasm, a breath, a word, a call, and even silence... love shows up in the form of people trying to protect us from themselves. Even though it hurts... to accept this kind of love is exceptional, because its being greatful for something that doesn't seem great.... but if you see the love... then all is again right in the world...

So... I say..

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for an hour.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a day.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a weekend.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for one week.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a month.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a season.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a year.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for a decade.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if was just for a lifetime.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for eternity.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment.

following your heart and growing up.

So where to start,
I am sitting in my hostel room in Malaysia right now.. and how I got here, I have NO idea... well actually I do, but its so crazy..

Ultimately at the end of the day I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are all exactly where we should be... even on the days where one doesn't necessarily feel that way.

I finished my year in Korea in the most interesting way... I was confronted with a situation where I could either trust myself and potentially ruin a friendship or I could ignore my instincts and convince myself that I was crazy....something that I have had a lot of experience with over the years... in the end I decided... with a lot of help and support from a few friends that I needed to trust myself and realize that I have to start treating myself like my own best friend.. something that I have not done, my whole life.

It was a very interesting end to the year, but in the end I felt like the Universe was testing me to see how much I had grown over the year and whether I was going to walk away having gained insight into myself and grown, or I would revert back into my old way of being.

In the end I decided to trust myself... and it felt sooo good to trust myself. Unfortunately it could be the potential of the end of a friendship, but then it was the start of me starting to honour myself... I think that my whole life the whole "do unto others as you would do unto yourself" was so powerful for me, that I missed the point that you have to honour yourself in the start... so I would always excuse people's behaviour, forgive, apologize, fix, treat people the way I WANTED to be treated but at the end of the day I wasn't treating MYSELF with honour... hence all the bull shit with guys... my ex, my family etc.

Its been a long life of constantly selling myself short, and treating myself worse than how I would treat anyone else.

I think I have always had this fear of not being liked, of losing people and so I let people walk all over me... in the name of trying to show them that they can't do any wrong in my eyes.. but just like everyone else we all make mistakes and I am realizing that NO it is not up to me to judge, but that i don't have to like everyone and I don't have to subject myself to negativity all the time.

It was hard for me to make the decision I did to confront this person.. stick to my guns and tell them that what they did was not what friends do, and that I didn't care what her excuses were... this was simply how I felt and she knew that and pursued with her behaviour despite me warning her that it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.... since the event it turns out that I was completely right and although I have moved past it, and its basically a non issue now, it was a true test of the growth that I have experienced over the past year.

So I left Korea... headed for my dream trip.. only to get to Bangkok and 6 hours later find myself in the emergency room of the hospital. I thought I had had a kidney infection... but after various tests they found a cyst on my ovary and I was admitted for emergency surgery... when I tell people the story they say "you must have been so scared" its funny, I wasn't I was just trying to figure out what it all meant... why it had happened and why I was where I was.

Laying in my hospital bed the day after reflecting on what happened I felt like it had to be bigger that just surgery that there was something to all this, and since I've been on a path of more self discovery and trying to get more in tune with my heart and what I need to do next in my life.

In surgery they found that the cyst had contorted around my ovary and had hemorrhaged, in order to protect my further health they removed the cyst and 80% of the ovary...

I joke that I came to Thailand and thought i would get a new tattoo and now I have 4:P

Its amazing though what happened in the course of events... If I had gone home I wouldn't have had medical coverage, nor would I probably have been taken care of so quickly, I would have been in the emerge room thinking that i just had a pain in my back and I would have kept being bumped for more emergencies... and the doctors say that had I left it that much longer it could have become gangrenous and then who knows...

So deciding to come to Thailand meant that I had medical coverage... an also very interesting story.. cause bought insurance last year and because it was 100$ more for the year as opposed to the weekend I bought it for the year and then just before I left Korea I had this intense feeling like I REALLY needed to write down all my insurance info... trusting myself.. there it is again.

The fact that I was in no pain on the plane to Thailand meant that I left Korea complete... happy and relaxed... and the fact that it happened when it did meant that I wasn't in Laos where there is little to no medical coverage... ANGELS were watching out for me....

The whole experience still feels surreal... like there I was... and now I am here... waking up in the recovery room from anesthetics was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced... waking up with the air tube down my throat was so scary.. not being able to breath trying to hit people to tell them that I couldn't breathe... my throat was soo dry that after they pulled the tube out I was choking and thought I was going to die... That was the terrifying thing.. wanting to be alive and feeling like I wasn't going to be able to breathe...

I spent the next day very drugged out talking to various family members and friends on the phone and not making any sense.. but a thunderstorm came across the city and livened me up...

Through the whole experience i experienced how blessed I am in my life... and realized that I had convinced myself that I had no one, no reason to go back to Canada, no attachment because my mother had died... and now I feel like i do REALLY have a place, have family and friends that love and support me...

I've realized that I was running away from something.. that I have been running from something my whole life... trying to make the feeling of not being wanted go away.. I sleep with guys, party, spend as much time with large groups of people, and travel all in trying to convince myself that I am not alone...

But in the end this experience really taught me that I was never alone.. that I have always had so much love in my life, but I've been denying it.

In recovery over the next week I went through a lot of awareness about why it happened to me and what it all meant. One thing that I feel very strongly about is that most sicknesses are manifested through emotional turmoil, and the fact that this issue had to deal with my reproductive organs made me start looking at how I've treated myself all these years in regards to men... and through conversations with a few friends I realized a few considerable things about myself.

I always go for men that I KNOW in my heart aren't going to be there for ever.. they tend to be either one night stands or people that I feel need my support... I know a lot of girls do this... and sometimes it works... but that I find people that are not REALLY available cause its safe... No MAN has EVER stuck by me... and so deep down inside I have convinced myself that there are no good men... and I've also been punishing myself for not being good enough to keep men around.. and its all rooted in the fact that my biological father left...

you know its very interesting cause its something I have never really put much thought into.. I know that it must affect me, but I haven't given it a lot of weight, but at the end of the day, I think a child's relationship to their parents is a very important one and establishes one's relationships with both sexes... and so I've been replaying my mother's life over and over again cause I know no better...

So after this event happened in Korea and I stood up for myself in regards to my treatment of a guy and a friend, I think my body was willing to say... ok we think you are ready to purge this bullshit.And so I ended up in the hospital having it removed.. and regaining my womanhood, and more strength.

I'm not saying that I am all cured about my tendencies with men but I am much more aware of it, and am on the road....

So after being in the hospital I went to stay at a hostel and the second night I was there there was this huge crash and I got out of bed to find that the entire ceiling in my bathroom had fallen to the floor... EVERYTHING. light fixtures, metal, tiles.. and I had this intense.. "get the fuck out" come over me... the riots were going on in Bangkok at the time and although I didn't really hear or experience much it was in tandem with this event so I felt this intense need to go back to Canada.

I have travelled extensively and at the end of the day I have NEVER wanted to go home so badly... giving up my dream trip.. it didn't make any sense to me... but that's what I was being guided to do.. that's that my heart said to do.. and my heart has never let me down so far...

So I headed to the airport.. on my way there we saw burnt out buses and the remnants of the riots from the night before... it was so weird because we really didn't experience it at all.. so I got to the airport and told the universe (that is what ever you believe in) that if I was REALLY supposed to go home.. that it would be easy to go home... well needless to say it wasn't it was going to be 4000$ and like a 40 hour journey...

In the end I ended up at the Natural Healing Center that I had been to earlier on in the week to get a Reiki treatment.. there I felt safe.. with people that were in parallel with who I am under all the facade, people who believe in guides and angels and intuition and all the things that I am growing to believe in.. the things that my mother believed in but I have pushed away for years and years...

talking to the owner.. he said well you can stay here for as long as you want until you sort things out... I then asked myself what I should do... and like Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Eat Pray love while laying on the bathroom floor crying.. I got this intense.. GO TO SLEEP A.. So I went upstairs and slept. When I woke up I decided to stay and learn Reiki like I had planned...

Over the next two weeks I did the Reiki course and then a meditation course and was just with myself. I didn't drink, I slept early and woke up relatively early and read a lot. I was introduced to these books by Lobsang Rampa and through them a lot of clarity came up for me around feelings I have had my whole life... it was really empowering and relaxing.

At the end of the two weeks an old friend from high school just happened to be in Bangkok and we spent an afternoon together reminiscing and laughing... he reminded me that he was in the car when I hit my best friends car when I was 16 and they had to lie to her father that it was some random person in the parking lot.. I was SOOOO embarrassed... imagine a 1982 New Yorker trying to do a U turn next to a car.. basically I misjudged the circumference of my circle and hit her side panel.. ah the crazy shit that you do when you are young..

anyways.. it was really nice to see a familiar face.

So then I met up with the boat.. I was so excited.. finally getting to go on vacation...

man I wish I wrote more often cause they are all very funny/interesting stories but to write them all in one go I'm trying to not keep you here forever! or myself for that matter..

anyways the owner of the boat was.. well let's just say we didn't get along.. the first night that I was there he asked me if I gave good massages.. before I realized WHAT he was REALLY asking me I said yes...
and then he asked if I could give him one... hesitatingly I said I think the Thai girls probably give much better massages.. HINT HINT.. then he said well I even have baby oil! AHHHHH are you kidding me? I had no idea what to do... I should have just gotten off the boat that day.. but I'm still not very good at these situations... anyways, he then asked if I would like to sit on him.. THIS IS NOT going on!... I said actually why don't you sit here.. he said you mean lay down and I said.. NO SIT!!! so he sat, I rubbed his shoulders for about 5 minutes then tapped his back and said "all done" even writing this right now gives me the creeps.. I can't believe I did that!

Anyways we spent the next three days sort of establishing our boundaries.. i think because of what had happened I was WAYYY more on guard.. and so I was a lot more harsh to him.. but he treated me basically like an idiot.. he never explained anything fully and then would get mad at me not understanding...

The day before i left I met these really amazing people.. a couple that had had a crazy story of getting to Bangkok and being arrested... long story short they had lived here 3 years ago and their house burnt down. according to the investigator turned out that there was faulty wiring with the air con unit.. well they were back on vacation and being arrested for grand arson and fleeing the country.. it was a crazy tale that ended in them having to pay close to 50, 000$ to stay out of prison for the next 18 years and having their records cleared... they were an amazing couple and I really enjoyed hanging out with them.. so I asked the owner of the boat if I could stay and meet up with him later..

his response turned into a power trip and I could see it from a mile away.. trying to control me, and dominate me... he basically threatened that there was sooo much work that still had to be done on the boat and that if I didn't help out with it then the next day while he was on land I would be doing the work.. after arguing with him for 10 minutes I gave up the battle... turns out the work I had to do when getting back to the boat was cooking him dinner...

We left the next morning for Phi Phi Island... On the trip across I was really feeling like i didn't want to be there... stupid things, like making me cook lunch for him and this woman that came with us.. making me pull up the anchor without gloves so my hands got ripped to shit... making me steer for 2 hours when there was auto steering.. just really sly things..

then we arrived on Phi Phi island... one of the most beautiful places I have EVER been in my whole life.

The first night The owner and I got into a little fight as he was very condescending and in the end told me that i really should get over my mother's death.. that I wasn't living in the real world and that I have a lot of potential but need to grow up and let go of my baggage, shall I mention that I had simply mentioned my mother in passing.. let's just say I don't really talk about my mother to a lot of people... and he was certainly NOT a person that I thought would be someone I should talk to about the whole experience...

anyways I walked away and then came back and told him that I wanted off the boat.. that I would get my stuff the next day and that would be it.

He then informed me that we had checked out of Thailand and we were not OFFICIALLY still in the country... I suppose it wasn't all that bad or I would have found a way out of it.. but I decided to stay to get to Malaysia and then we would part ways..

I ended up getting a room on Phi Phi and spent the week partying,. meeting great people... and I learned how to scuba dive.. something I have always wanted to do..

I was in great fear at first to not be able to breathe under water, but once i got over it it was amazing.. for the first time in my life I was experiencing being completely conscious of my breathing and just my surroundings without being able to talk.. I think that was the hardest thing for me.. I am a talker and I ask a lot of questions and in the water I couldn't ask any questions... it was scary.. but really good for me.. and the most amazing thing is on our first dive I got to swim with a hawksbill turtle.. and there was a guy with a video camera so I have footage of me swimming next to this turtle.. it was AMAZING and peace that I have never experienced.

we ended up seeing 6 sharks on our two dives and an eagle ray soaring above us..its a place that is very special, under the water...

I ended up getting my PADI open water certification... and spending 3 days waking up at dawn, and not being able to party and regrounding myself.

The last night I spent with some great people I met for the full moon party, drinking sitting with a very nice boy and watching lightening across the water.....

The next day we set sail for Langkawi, Malaysia and freedom!

The first night was spent on Ko Rok, a small island about a 7 hour sail from Phi Phi. I went snorkeling in the most crystal blue water you have ever seen. It was like floating over little villages, these huge mushrooms of coral covered in all sorts of colours and life...

although it was beautiful I started getting a little nervous about what may be under these beautiful formations.. in the dark... what could potentially come and EAT me:P

I decided to stay relatively close to the boat... at one point I saw this blowfish the length of my arm and it was just staring at me.. and made me feel pretty uncomfortable where I felt like it was getting too close to me... then I started thinking about sharks.. and getting really nervous.. then out of the corner of my eye... there it was... AHHH maybe 20 meters from me this shark sped past... I was sooo freaking scared that I took off my mask and kept my head out of water..

swimming frantically back to the boat.. I knew that they wouldn't hurt me, but my terror was getting the best of me and I convinced myself that this shark was stalking me in the water and i was going to be bait... I kept telling myself to swim slow, sharks can smell fear, tapping into EVERY ounce of training I have had about surrounding myself with white light, being calm.. etc I swam back to shore... not wanting to know where it was, convinced it was going to eat me:P

I got back on the boat, shaking... the song that I have as the title of this blog came into my head.. there's a line where he said "do one thing every day that scares you" well let me tell you.. I was scared SHITLESS.... shaking, I sat on the boat and felt the adrenaline pumping through my body, feeling very alive and very scared. but alive.

The three days on the boat were reasonable I just kept my mouth shut telling myself that it was all going to be over soon and so just hold my tongue and make it easier for both of us.

I spent those days trying to figure out what to do next... what all this meant, why it had all ended the way it did. Everyday I would wake up and think Go home.. everynight i would go to sleep feeling the same way... something that has been incredibly strong for me was that I should find my biological father.

He's someone that I think about from time to time, but I've really denied the effect not having him in my life has had on me... and lately I've been feeling like its probably one of the single most biggest events that has shaped who I am and why I behave the way I do around guys... So even though I am in paradise something I am coming to terms with was this trip was really a space for me to grow and become whole and complete and move forward in my life and no matter how beautiful the scenery or where I go and what I do, what I am REALLY LOOKING FOR isn't here... its back home in Canada.. I am looking for a place, for answers... to know where it all began. and I feel like in order to move forward in my life I need to close this chapter in my life..and nevre before have I had the money, the time or the capacity to want to find him.. and now I do, and although it scares the shit out of me... the rejection that I could possibly face, the dissapointment.... Its one of the only WHAT IF's I have in my life and I need to find closure around it...

The last night on the boat and in Thailand I ended up talking to that boy I had mentioned months ago... it had been about 4 months since I last talked to him and I had been recently fantasizing about going home and being able to see him, be with him... having something... going camping up in northern Ontario... while talking to him that fantasy quickly dispersed. He broke his back in the spring and in the time since we last talked he has gotten a lot worse emotionally.. its so difficult for me to see someone I love in so much pain and sadness... But one thing I am learning in life you can't help people that don't want it.. and how you can be there for people is not necessarly the way you want to.. but you have to respect what people need especially if you REALLY love them. So, even though it pains me, I know that I can't have all that negativity in my life and he also made it very clear that he is SOOO far away from being to have a relationship... something I admire in him because I am not able to identify that in myself...

its difficult... but I am coming to terms with the idea that he is not right for me.. and that we will only be friends.. and although its difficult to let go of a fatasy I have had for years... a childhood fantasy it frees me up. Love him from afar...

One thing I realized that its been relatively easy being on the other side of the world during us getting to know eachother cause we CAN't see eachother... but if I go home and he doesn't WANT to see me.. it changes things.. there are no more excuses other than I don't want to be with you...

So I am heading home... to what I am not sure... but I feel in my heart its the right thing to do... today I sort of thought it would be interesting to drive across Canada over the summer using Couch surfers and meeting people from across our beautiful country, findng my way to Vancouver Island and then finally finding Patrick.

Something I also thought about was that I could potentially write a book on my adventures across Canada, the events, the characters I meet and the experience I have trying to find my father.

I think I will keep it here...

you know its diffficult for me, I want to share this blog with people that are closest to me, and I feel like i Would have to delete all the crazy stories about guys.. but everytime i come close to doing it I feel like it wouldn't be complete without those stories without the evidence that I have evolved as a person.. to delete those stories would be to delete that part of my life..that undeniable struggle.. its the experience of what got me to this place in my life.. and although its difficult to observe I am still struggling, and its real. Its my LIFE.

Something I failed to mention earlier is that on Phi Phi I had this realization.. that I always go for guys that are really attractive.. they tend to be relatively unatainable guys... most of the time.. and that for the most part I am really shallow, that I expect guys to not be shallow, but I am in fact incredibly shallow.. my standards are really low, and they tend to become a conquering to see if I can get them.. which I usually can, so in so doing I prove to myself that they are all shallow and aren't going to stick around.. and that I fulfill this insecure part of me that wants to make sure the hot ones find me attractive.. its really rediculous... anyways.. I realize I NEVER go for the nice guys. NICE guys Do like me, but I miss them, I ignore them... and in the end.. that's what I REALLY want... a niceguy... someone who is like me.. plain and lovely.

Its really interesting the thought of people that have been reading my blog over the ast few years and what you must think of me and my evolution as a person. The struggles I share, the experiences I have with guys... when I go missing for months.. and then come back with some random tale..

I wonder how it occurs for you.. how I occur for you.. but I was talking to someone last week and in sharing part of my story they said we all go through that in our twenties... we all struggle with our identity what to do, what's next... welcome to your twenties, this is what its like.. and so at the end of the day I hope that someone sees themselves in what I write and in their similar experience as a human being.

thanks for listening.
I'll try to post more frequently from now on.
A. yes that's my name. the REAL me.