The dilemma

So, the problem with having a blog that you divulge details about your life... and your sex life in particular is that it tends to conflict with the interests of the men you sleep with... or anyone in your life for that matter that could possibly be offended by the details of a sexual encounter with them....so needless to say I have been facing a serious dilemma over the past few months, considering I have some great stories... but then should I say them for risk of offending some people??

for instance.. the dilemma of sleeping with one of your best friend's brother's???

so ya... I've been getting laid, but how to divulge such information without offending anyone is awkward....

The crazies...

So. I've been a little stale lately... stagnant in the water... no new guys, no new sex, old sex is getting a little monotonous... but I'm not on the prowl like usual. no clue why. HOWEVER as far as I'm concerned... FUCKED.

but.. this may also be a reason why my interest in men has soured.

the tale of the crazy internet man.

so i met this guy online a couple of weeks ago. Seemed like a cool guy. We talked one night... his interest in God  of bothered me.. but hey we all have our own beliefs... had a good conversation... boy seemed like he was intelligent and was definitely a potential.

So.. I realized that I have essentially been wasting my summer away and haven't done anything really "summery" so... we plan on meeting on a Monday afternoon for a walk on the beach.

First problem. Boy calls me in the morning to tell me that he is going for his 2 hour long rollerblade in the beaches. 2 hours... do you know how crazy that is? Anyways.... we had planned lunch..but hey, a late lunch could be nice.

Then I start getting reluctant to meet him.. from late lunch what? to me thinking about how sweaty and smelly this guy is going to be on our first date.. not my ideal. Anyways at one point he calls.. and very nicely I convince him that hes tired and that we should maybe hook up some other time.

Next day calls like two times. I don't answer.. sort of feeling a little bothered by this guy.. but hey whatever...

on Wednesday I was online again and saw the letter he wrote, thought he was cool, so write him again apologize for avoiding his calls... then the crazys set in. Over the course of the past 2 weeks this guy has called me just about everyday. And I would say between 2 and three times a day, on avg. We have gone through him apologizing, to him calling me a bitch...

after the first non-encounter he called like 3 times all upset saying he had ruined it... he even text messaged me at one point and told me that he had met a girl and that we should stop talking. "fine... do I look like I care?" and then

So, it finally ended on Sunday in the morning when I came online and told him to stop calling me. I had worked 20 hours ina 36 hour period and I was unavailable. He proceeded to say "fine go on keep avoiding me..." are you shitting me? all I have done to this guy for 2 weeks is give him chance after chance to prove to me he's not crazy and there he goes again!

I told him to fuck off... that I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him that the whole thing was ridiculous cosidering we had never met... that I didn't need all this DRAMA.

CRAZY MAN!

so ya... noticed that I hadn't posted this... too bad... well think I will now

Another one to add to the code

GIRLS:

don't fuck anyone that your friend is fucking... its bad manners... it doesn't matter if they are or not dating.. you know that's off limits.... there are plenty men... go find your own!

BOYS:

same thing with you... don't fuck your friend's fucks... there are plenty of girls out there.. let them have their glory and pride in fucking that one girl you haven't!!!

why is this code so fucking hard to grasp???

The code

so I was having a discussion today with a couple of the boys at work... and we were talking about "the code" you know the unwritten rules that must be abided by when it comes to sex.. and as a result I figured I mine as well write down an amalgamations of rules that we all somewhat live by... again just for my own amusement.. and hopefully yours.

what got this started was the rule that you can't sleep with your friend's ex, but you can sleep with your exs friends:P

now this has been debated.. some of the guys say that it depends on who did the breaking up, if the friend has moved on yet and how long they were together and have been broken up.

I say fuck that... you cannot sleep with your friend's ex. WITHOUT EXPECTING some sort of REPERCUSSION. Now... although I have not done this.. YET :P I know a couple of guys who have completely ruined friendships over breaking this rule.... like I said, its not like it doesn't happen.. just there are usually consequences...

its funny though how easy it is to sleep with your ex's friends... i mean the guys you know.. and love... and get along with... hey why not right?? and I guess the same goes for guys and their girlfriend's friends.

alright so that's the first....the rest are rules, codes, thoughts, whatever.. you know me...


2. if I'm close and you came... get down bitch:P
3. socks and nakedness.... NO WAY
4. you better kiss me after I go down on you.
5. and you better be able to reciprocate....
6. if you expect me to shave... don't you think I want the same?
7. if you are not horny, get drunk....
8. its not easier for girls to get laid... trust me...
9. size does matter... too big or too small, sorry boys:P
10. I cannot go down on a guy before he kisses me....
11. one night stands - no matter how much you say you don't care... you always care a little...

12. you feel like a million dollars when you fuck the hot ones:P
13. kiss during sex....it's hot


alright that's all I got right now... I would, however like to add to this list.. so if you have any ideas just post a comment on here and I'll post your thought!! if you want me to quote you with your name just let me know... you may become infamous:P

I'm out

My biggest pet peeve!

Guys who won't kiss girls after they go down on them. First of all, this is just bad manners, I mean if she's going to suck your cock.. have the decency to thank her for it by kissing her....

PLUS... what are you so scared of? we have to do it... I love giving head... but the whole cumming thing.. not something I would choose to have in my mouth for any other reason than it turns him on and that's hot.

There is nothing more hot for a girl.. well there are prudes out there.. so at least for this girl.. then a guy kissing me after I go down on him.

I would actually give up giving head if it meant that I wouldn't get kisses.

So for those of you that do not kiss after a girl goes down on you.. what is the time limit til whatever you are scared of goes away?

and if you go down on a girl would you want her to kiss you after?
what if she didn't want to?

that's all I got right now.

Room mates and sex...

So to trump the somewhat serious nature of my other blog today I figured I should write something that has been plaguing my mind lately.... room mates and sex/one night stands.. if you are a woman and have ever had a one night stand with a guy who has room mates you know that the second you walk into their room the music or television goes on... well if you are dating someone for that matter and are going to have sex with them.. same thing happens..

Anyways, this music/noise is a signal to all others in the house that this room is occupied... BUT.. this is also a sign of respect for the boys... it ensures that the other guys in the house do not have to listen to the screaming/laughing screetching of baseboard... etc.. all noises that accompany a good romp in the hay... this is not a sign of disrespect... but of respect...

SO... let us talk about girls.. now I am not talking about all girls... but this small action, that for guys seems to be well understood is something that has gone either unnoticed, unrecognized or ignored by most female roommates. First of all... most girls will not turn on music the second the guy walks into their room... especially at 3am... now if you know the guy then maybe.. well and if you know anything about guys.. then maybe... but for the most part girls are more concerned with pissing off their room mates than having them hear their sex antics all night... WHy is that??? Female room mates don't get the point the way male room mates do... they knock, call the cell or bang on the wall, door or floor to "TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!"

I know this is totally irrelevant, but it is something that I have both noticed and have been aggravated by... Why don't girls have this understanding set in stone? Is it cause most girls do not have the PRIVELEDGE of having one night stands as much?

(you love that I just said priveledge don't you??? hehehe, well I am TRYING to change the idea that one night stands are evil.. so long as its consentual and protected)

Either way, I think this taboo music thing has got to stop... cause I don't know about you... but I prefer to have the music blaring when I have sex... so I can be as loud as I want...:) hahahaha (especially at 3am...and well its also my little way of rubbing in the fact that I am getting laid and YOU ARE NOT)

what do you think????

a new woman

I think its interesting... since I found out that my ex cheated on me... far more than my worst dreams could ever have imagined... I have been relatively ok. I say relatively cause I do have my minor upsets... and moments of pure "how could he do this to me?" and "how could I be so blind" ... but all in all I've been in pretty good spirits.

I've been saying to my friends "I think that I am still in shock" to explain my relatively calm nature... but it occurred to me today... while eating sushi at a local restaurant ALONE... that maybe it isn't that I am in shock, but that I am a different woman than before.

When we first broke up I was upset driving away but a sense of relief came over me... I was free! I immediately did the "me" thing as my friends would contest to.. which is seeking out sex. No attachment sex..... which I did... a 4 hour extremely fun romp in the front seat of my car with a guy I've known for years but have never been friends with. An exciting adventure that left me a little disappointed that I knew nothing would materialize with this seemingly great person... who needless to say was a great lay!but... still free...

the freedom of being able to sleep with anyone you want to is something that I think we take for granted.. this may sound wrong, but I think that the ability to choose when and where and with who to enjoy your sexuality is a freedom that many of us condemn... but when you are in a bad relationship with bad sex to top it off.. the freedom of finding someone to satisfy those needs is exciting!

especially considering I had gone atleast a year and a half without great sex... and longer is debatable.. but I'll give him a little credit that at the beginning of our relationship there must have been some reason why I stuck around ;)

So a week later I left for Africa... I also joke that no one could EVER compete with the fact that I went to Africa to get over my ex. I thought that doing what I love to do would make me completely forget about him... and satisfy my own needs... instead I fell completely back in love with him... well I fell in love with this amazing image of what I thought he was.... obviously skewed by the distance, the lack of sex.. and the disappointment that it didn't work out.. Despite my relief...

We talked on occasion.. always me instigating the conversation... but mostly we talked about having sex when I got home... I mean break up sex was always the most fun... and at this point I had gone 2 months without any.. so i figured his was pretty good considering!... well I won't get into too much detail but needless to say when I got home life came crashing down.. he wasn't the person I had remembered..

for records sake we haven't seen eachother since that day I drove away.... so for inquiring minds.. no the break up sex never did happen... and in retrospect THANK GOD.. (I am not religious.. but feel that it is quite fitting:P.. especially considering we are talking about sex)

But, 2 months without sex in Africa I went again back to the "me" thing and started going to bars or talking to guys on Lavalife to satisfy my needs... sex does wonders. I kept joking with my friends by saying that " I had taken a 2 and a half year hiatus just to go back to my same old antics"

But, despite my similar antics, my mood quickly changed and I wasn't going to bars anymore... this is maybe 2 weeks after I got home.. one reason may be the creepy guy who wigged out on me.. and then proceeded to call me at 4 am every Friday and Saturday night... drunk...common.. I know girls who get the point faster than this guy:P


So here I am almost 2 months since I got home... 4 months since we broke up finding out that not only was he a really bad bf, but a REALLY REALLY bad boyfriend and its not rocking me the way I thought it would... I said that I went back to the same old "me" than before my ex. But it has occurred to me that I am not.

I've been through so much since the last time I was single... and well maybe I should give myself a little more credit. I am a superfox mind you... lol

What's amazing is despite all this crap... I feel great about who I am in the world and why I am here. I truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason... and that things only happen to you when you can deal with them... a saying a replayed over and over in my mind when my mother died...

I also know that despite my shitty ass relationship.. i needed what ever it gave to me throughout the years that I was trying to cope with out my mother... and he gave me whatever that was... and that we wouldn't have broken up if it wasn't opposed to be that way.. and I wouldn't have found out about these other women if I wasn't ready to hear it...

But.. I am really proud of myself... I feel like a rock star today. What's crazy is when mom died I said that I went through it first.. so that when it happened to my friends I could be there for them... and I was able top.. although it was sooo difficult.. deal with out the relatedness that comes with having a friend have gone through the same experience... so here I am at the end of another rollercoaster ride... and none of my friends have ever been with a guy for this long.. lived with him.. only to find out that he was sleeping with other women...

I am officially a trooper. and I officially love this blog cause I can totally toot my own horn!

So there... a new woman, someone who has gone through the loss of her mother, the purging of a real home... devestating fights with her step father... a broken relationship... cheating... only to come out on the other side... with ironically more self esteem then ever before...

which I also give credit to a good friend I have who always tells me how great I am.. and how pretty:) Guys... do this for your girlfriends.. cause who knows, you may be the only person they hear it from.

Oh but the best thing is... I'm not letting this dictate whether I can date yet... so who knows... atleast I know that It HAS to be good sex.. or I'm OUT!!!

so ya.. i think that's it for right now.

The female version of a stud..

ok... so here's the question... why is it that there is a double standard between men and women when it comes to sex.. and promiscuity?

truly. When I was younger I thought that was long gone.. but as I grow up I realize that this is still incredibly prominent in our society... and its not just from guys.... to girls.. its form girls to girls....so what if a girl really loves sec? is that a bad thing? What if she is confident enough in her sexuality, in her abilities as a women and in her approach that she has sex whenever she wants to.... even if there is no boyfriend in the picture?

why can't she be a female stud??? why can't girls look at her and be proud of her taking her sexuality into her own hands and not limiting herself based on the men in or out of her life???

A guy I know said to me today... "I don't get why there is a double standard" "if a guy I know tells me that a girl is a slut and he wouldn't sleep with her, I ask him if he likes sex.... when he says yes... I say then why are you limiting YOURSELF??? you are being your own cock block."

its interesting eh? Especially our understanding of men and their sex drives... we just assume that they are fulfilling their carnal need... so why not women too? why can't women just be satisfying their carnal instincts???

I love sex. there is no need to explain why... its fantastic... well when it is ..it is... when its not.. it SUCKS! hahahaha

and well its hard to find a partner that is completely satisfying in the bedroom... so sometimes you have to test out the merchandise before you commit!!!

And is it sooo bad that I am saying that?
Atleast I am honest right???

I do not think a relationship can work if the sex i bad.... or non existent.... and when people talk about the key to relationships is communication... nothing is more true... but especially around sex. Partners should be willing to learn... experiment and listen.... only then will the relationship have a fighting chance....

NOW... I need to make a point of clarification... this blog is also coming from a 23 year old... so I am not attempting to speak on behalf of anyone, of any other age... and maybe when you are older relationships can work out despite a shitty sex life.. but right now.. I am here to say that nothing good will come from a relationship where the sex is bad....

and well we've also figured out that if he's a bad lay its probably cause he's giving all the good sex away:P




so that's my piece.

Cheaters cheaters:P

so maybe I should add a couple to the first list....

if you think he's cheating.. HE IS

if he can't say I love you... its probably cause he doesn't love himself.. and well he's probably cheating on you!


well its 3am... I just found out that my ex cheated on me constantly while we were going out.... surprise surprise!... .... I don't really know how to react... he wasn't ever that great a person to be around... never paid any compliments to me... and has never made an effort.... wow.. writing it makes it sooooo silly....

I have no idea why I stuck it out.... I really needed bs apparently!!

Boys: if you are reading this... one piece of advice... Don't EVER tell her.... no matter what..... she never needs to know! don't try to do the "right thing" its not the right thing to tell her!!!!

Its weird though... the first guy that cheated on me.. I was a wreck.... couldn't eat.. sleep or anything... but right now I want to almost laugh... what a retarded thing to find out.... I mean its so stupid....


I am however wondering if there are any guys that don't cheat:P

So you want to know what's really going on.... I don't care about this whole ex thing.. what's killing me is that I don't have my mother to call.... how crazy is that?.... I used to say that no matter what happened to me... it could never be worse than losing my mom.... well here's the exact situation.... it doesn't feel like that big a loss.... But its the lack of someone to calla t 3am who will tell you that you are fantastic..
shit happens...

its crazy though.... I knew... my friends REALLY din't like him... and I knew underneath all of it.... i knew.... but I had completely convinced myself that there was no way cause I knew where he was at all times!!! and I could call whenever.... funny what you hide from yourself.

So here's the deal.
I let him manipulate me.. and make me feel bad for questioning his loyalty.... and the results are in... I was right. surprise surprise.... me right? lol


Oh well.

maybe it is a good thing I know.... I suppose it just makes it easier to know why you aren't together....


Here's the thing about cheaters....

people cheat... that's what they do... women do it, men do it... and if they're partners find out.. its devastating... and ridiculous.... but at the same time.. why don't we expect this from our partners? We are human... and its very much in human nature.... the way I see it though is... if you are cheating.. and you still want to stay with the person you are are with... here's some ground rules:

don't tell them ever
always use a condom
make them feel like they are the Queen/King of the world at all times.... atleast they will fell like the shit....

now you should know this won't make them feel any better when they find out... but its better to think you were with someone cause he treated you like an angel as opposed to he never gave you the time of day and you tried to make it work..... then you just feel stupid!!!

give them that decent respect....

also don't be mean abou it... don't talk to girls on MSN when your girlfriend is around... don't make her question her own instincts

that's not fair.


GIRLS: believe yourself... and if he's not a good lay.... get rid of him.. whether he cheats on you or not.... its not worth it!!!!Make sure he also treats you the way he's supposed to... and nothing less.. EVER! ie. he has to reciprocate oral sex!!!!if you are going to do it.. he better be up for it!!

look at me... no matter what I am still thinking about sex!!!

TRULY A SCORPIO!

friendship Friday June 2, 2006

I find it interesting how life throws friends at you and you have to decide how or if they fit into your life. What bothers me more than anything is the fact that everyone tries to put friendhsips into little boxes... if the person messes up, or the frienship isn't a conventional one... its always questioned..

can you be friends with someone you've slept with?
can you be friends with an ex?
can you be friends with your best-friends partner? or does that run the risk of taking sides?
can you be friends with your parents?
can you be friends with your ex's friends??

I think that unconciously we always question our frienships.. sabotage them, take them for granted... so there's teh friends that no matter what you do, they know that you are a good person... and forgive you... then there's the friends that just get lost along the way...

I have a handful of really good friends... and I know I'm lucky for that.

23 years
23 years
12 years
20 years
12 years
 3 years
5 years
12 years

these are the people that would go out of their way for me, and I them... Coming up with that list I have so many other people I think that I would bend over backwards for.... but who have gotten lost along theway... and then there's the friends that you have. but don't know for how long....

Then there's the question of love. Who can you love? and when does it become confusing.... clearly.. it'll probably get more confusing with someone of the opposite sex if you are hetero that is! So, if you have a guy friend.... are you allowed to love him? are you allowed to fall in love with him? cause what does that mean exactly... that you love themfor everything they are right??? that you love spending time with them... that you would do anything for the...

but then... what's crossing the boundary? can you love someone yet remain just friends.. or does it cross into that confusing place where one person wants more.. and the other friend doesn't.. ruining theperfect friendhsip you once had.

How long is too early to love someone??? This is always a question that plagues me... with my last boyfriend I knew i loved him in the first 3 months... I decided to tell him around the 3 month mark cause I didn't want to wait and put pressure on him.... and he never ever said it... but that's a whole other story.... but really? when is too early.. or is there a too early? can you love a friend that you just made???

Because I just moved to the city I have made a couple of friends.... and these are deffinately people that I would do anything for.. right now.... but then if I love them am I running the risk of being used? or of expecting more from them then they are willing to give to someone they just met?

so, then if you do love someone... when can you tell them? I've always lived by the notion that people should know when they are loved. Nomatter how rediculous... or inconvenient.. that there isn't enough love in the world... and as a result you should say it as much as you can....

that's my mom talking:P


I believe that frienship and love is hard to come by, and as a result putting either into a box limits both even further. If you find someone who loves you... wants to spend time with you and affords you the privelege of good conversation then embrace it....

if you limit your friendhips you limit yourself. I may be a dreamer but I think you can be friends with someone you've slept with, your ex, your friends partner, your parents, your ex's friends....
Officially? My friendships are what gets me up in the morning.... and I love them..... I don't care how long I've known them for.... if they are in my life... they are clearly special people.... and they deserve my love.....


the 2am ramblings of yours trully....

the weird things that go on in my own head....